I've been thinking a lot about my life's path lately. From day one, I was destined for the weird and unusual. My life's path has led me down many darkened lanes, into a few Forbidden forests, and I've met some people I never dreamed I'd meet. I wouldn't change it for the world because it has led me to this place and this moment.
I've lost people on this path. Either their paths ended while mine continued on or they took an exit to a different path. However it went, I trust they are doing okay wherever they are.
I've learned a lot about myself on this journey. Funny enough, it's the darkest times when the road isn't nearly as golden that I have found my strength. And it seems as if I'm buried in darkness at the moment. I'm in over my head and I feel like I'm wandering around this path that keeps leading me in circles. Which means I've got to learn something before I get the see the rest of my path. But what am I supposed to learn? I'm jaded and I don't trust very easily. The people I trust the most, let me down more often than not. Is that my fault for trusting them or expecting too much of them? Or is it just human nature that people will let you down? I've found my faith waning and my faith in people is almost non existent. Maybe that is my lesson: Trust when times are toughest not merely when the road is easy.
Lately, my road is filled with dead-ends and I have to re-trace my steps in the hopes of finding my way back. When I do that, I run into the same people and I lose my heart again, only to have it handed back to me, bleeding, battered, and broken. What lesson should I be learning here? I'm guessing I need to hang onto my heart and not give it away. Either that or I need to be more careful with who I let hold my heart in his hands. I don't know anymore. My doubts overrun my mind most days and I wonder if I'm doing anything right.
I sat down to watch one of my favorite movies the other day, We Bought a Zoo. It has been in my DVD player for over a week and I play it every chance I get. Why? Because it speaks to me. It's about a man who takes a chance and risks it all. At one point, Benjamin Mees (played by Matt Damon) asks his daughter, "Rosie, am I doing anything right?" I have been tearing up at that line every time. I'm to the point where I'm asking Diesel, "Am I doing anything right?" He just sighs and rolls over to continue his nap. Benjamin also tells how "it only take 20 seconds of intense courage" to change your life. A mere 20 seconds!!!! Can you just imagine? Over two years ago, a man had 20 seconds of intense courage when he said hello to a woman he had never met. We became friends and our lives changed. For the better? If you talk to either of us separately, we'd probably say not always. We've ended up in a place where neither one of us is happy and depression is our ruler.
I think this is because we've stepped off our yellow brick road and tried to do things without the other. I maybe wrong. I wonder if my yellow brick road has just run out of yellow so I need to just make my own path. Stay tuned!!! I'm off in search of my ruby slippers and I sure as hell ain't carrying my version of Toto in a basket. I've met a couple of witches, more than one flying monkey, the Tin-Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. I think it may be time to lay down and take a nap in that lovely field of poppies I see ahead. Just long enough to get myself together and find the next step on my path.