I have a few friends who are going through some tough stuff at the moment. Because I am their friend, my shoulder is always available for them to lean on. I'm not going to discuss their issues here because it isn't my business to discuss, but I will say that in most of the cases...been there, done that.
The funny thing is that these friends don't know each other, yet their responses are the same, "I wish I had your strength." And I laugh. However, I thought maybe you all needed to hear this, too, so a blogpost was born.
I wasn't born strong. Strong-willed, yes, but strong, no. This is strength that was born of fire. I had to walk through it to be this strong. This is born of years of struggling. I didn't come from much. I was never given much. Everything was earned by sweat, blood, and tears. I watched my parents struggle. Fighting to survive. Life was never easy and I would certainly not be the person I was if it had been. I've spent years walking through the fire of Life. Determining that I wanted to survive. Battling the elements and the demons that fought to keep me down. I spent 20 years battling my own dragons with no knight in battered armor to defend me. I learned to wield a sword and battle them myself.
Someone has told me that my backbone of steel could only be forged by the fire of battle. I chuckle because I've always thought I was simply made this way. I've never thought I was forged in the fire. However, I have always pictured myself as a phoenix, rising from the ashes. Beautiful, flame-colored plumage that glistens in the sun and catches droplets of water in the rain.
Life is seldom fair and we spend more time in the storms of Life than walking on sunshine. Strength comes from the storms more than the sun. It's there, deep within you. Show the world that you aren't their bitch! Live life on your terms!
And when the storms of Life rage around you, take off your shoes and dance in the rain!
For years, I have carried this quote with me. It has been my mantra whenever I've found myself questioning my life.
Looking at my life, I had plans. By this age, I had intended to have children who I would be seeing off to college, attending weddings, big family holidays. I was going to be married and planning our retirement. I would be half owner of a house, driving a better vehicle than I am, and life would have come together.
Instead, I am renting my home. I'm the one in college working on my bachelor's, not my children. No weddings are being planned. Holidays are a bit more subdued than I imagined they would be.
It is as if I have just beginning to find myself at this age. I'm learning new ways to cook and enjoying new foods. I'm elevating my heat levels in my cooking and loving every bit of it. I'm dipping my toes back into the waters of literature that I have always loved. I am falling back in love with Chaucer and Hemingway. I walk across campus and sit in classes with kids. I'm learning from them and forming friendships with them. I won't go bar hopping or partying with them, but to sit and share ideas, I am all for that.
At this age, I expected I would be settled and content with my life. Instead, I am loving my life! Hell, I'm living my life!
I had these big plans for where I was going and how I would get there and who would be on this journey with me. However, as I have been told by my mother recently, God has other plans.
Do you ever feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? Picked up and set down in a strange place? Having to deal with things and people who are unfamiliar? Yeah? Well, welcome to my world!
I've been thinking a lot about my life's path lately. From day one, I was destined for the weird and unusual. My life's path has led me down many darkened lanes, into a few Forbidden forests, and I've met some people I never dreamed I'd meet. I wouldn't change it for the world because it has led me to this place and this moment.
I've lost people on this path. Either their paths ended while mine continued on or they took an exit to a different path. However it went, I trust they are doing okay wherever they are.
I've learned a lot about myself on this journey. Funny enough, it's the darkest times when the road isn't nearly as golden that I have found my strength. And it seems as if I'm buried in darkness at the moment. I'm in over my head and I feel like I'm wandering around this path that keeps leading me in circles. Which means I've got to learn something before I get the see the rest of my path. But what am I supposed to learn? I'm jaded and I don't trust very easily. The people I trust the most, let me down more often than not. Is that my fault for trusting them or expecting too much of them? Or is it just human nature that people will let you down? I've found my faith waning and my faith in people is almost non existent. Maybe that is my lesson: Trust when times are toughest not merely when the road is easy.
Lately, my road is filled with dead-ends and I have to re-trace my steps in the hopes of finding my way back. When I do that, I run into the same people and I lose my heart again, only to have it handed back to me, bleeding, battered, and broken. What lesson should I be learning here? I'm guessing I need to hang onto my heart and not give it away. Either that or I need to be more careful with who I let hold my heart in his hands. I don't know anymore. My doubts overrun my mind most days and I wonder if I'm doing anything right.
I sat down to watch one of my favorite movies the other day, We Bought a Zoo. It has been in my DVD player for over a week and I play it every chance I get. Why? Because it speaks to me. It's about a man who takes a chance and risks it all. At one point, Benjamin Mees (played by Matt Damon) asks his daughter, "Rosie, am I doing anything right?" I have been tearing up at that line every time. I'm to the point where I'm asking Diesel, "Am I doing anything right?" He just sighs and rolls over to continue his nap. Benjamin also tells how "it only take 20 seconds of intense courage" to change your life. A mere 20 seconds!!!! Can you just imagine? Over two years ago, a man had 20 seconds of intense courage when he said hello to a woman he had never met. We became friends and our lives changed. For the better? If you talk to either of us separately, we'd probably say not always. We've ended up in a place where neither one of us is happy and depression is our ruler.
I think this is because we've stepped off our yellow brick road and tried to do things without the other. I maybe wrong. I wonder if my yellow brick road has just run out of yellow so I need to just make my own path. Stay tuned!!! I'm off in search of my ruby slippers and I sure as hell ain't carrying my version of Toto in a basket. I've met a couple of witches, more than one flying monkey, the Tin-Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. I think it may be time to lay down and take a nap in that lovely field of poppies I see ahead. Just long enough to get myself together and find the next step on my path.
