Strength

I have a few friends who are going through some tough stuff at the moment. Because I am their friend, my shoulder is always available for them to lean on. I'm not going to discuss their issues here because it isn't my business to discuss, but I will say that in most of the cases...been there, done that.

The funny thing is that these friends don't know each other, yet their responses are the same, "I wish I had your strength." And I laugh. However, I thought maybe you all needed to hear this, too, so a blogpost was born.

I wasn't born strong. Strong-willed, yes, but strong, no. This is strength that was born of fire. I had to walk through it to be this strong. This is born of years of struggling. I didn't come from much. I was never given much. Everything was earned by sweat, blood, and tears. I watched my parents struggle. Fighting to survive. Life was never easy and I would certainly not be the person I was if it had been. I've spent years walking through the fire of Life. Determining that I wanted to survive. Battling the elements and the demons that fought to keep me down. I spent 20 years battling my own dragons with no knight in battered armor to defend me. I learned to wield a sword and battle them myself.

Someone has told me that my backbone of steel could only be forged by the fire of battle. I chuckle because I've always thought I was simply made this way. I've never thought I was forged in the fire. However, I have always pictured myself as a phoenix, rising from the ashes. Beautiful, flame-colored plumage that glistens in the sun and catches droplets of water in the rain.

Life is seldom fair and we spend more time in the storms of Life than walking on sunshine. Strength comes from the storms more than the sun. It's there, deep within you. Show the world that you aren't their bitch! Live life on your terms!

And when the storms of Life rage around you, take off your shoes and dance in the rain!

Who You Are...

Do you know the exact moment it happened? The very moment that you became the person you are? Do you know when it occurred? 

I believe we are always evolving and changing, but I also knew the moment where I became the woman I am...the very core of who I am.

It was a difficult day and I knew there would be no return to who I had been. The day when I had the rose-colored glasses yanked off my eyes and I saw the world as it was. It was the day when I realized that come what may in my life, I'd never face a moment like this one again. Nothing as difficult as this moment.

I remember the smell of the office, the feel of the table under my fingers, the way my breath caught and my heart broke, and the rage I felt at the very kind man who was doing his best to help a broken-hearted woman. I can't imagine doing his job on a daily basis!

It wasn't the day I found messages from my now ex-husband to another woman. It wasn't the night I got the phone call telling me my dad had passed away. It happened while I was sitting in a conference room in lower Michigan, attempting to find a way to honor the man I loved more than life itself. The day I had to plan my dad's cremation.

I looked at the man sitting beside me, who knew the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I knew this is where our journey together ended. No matter what happened from this moment on, I was walking this path without him. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my father, but the death of my marriage as well. The other man sitting with me wanted to help in every way, shape, and form to make this as easy as possible. He took notes and wrote down the things that came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, he didn't do my father justice. I had intended to write my dad's obituary myself, but I just couldn't.

That day I knew I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I didn't need the man who was holding my hand, trying to console me. I was on my own! The one person I had relied on from the beginning was gone and, from here on out, I was never going to be the same person. 

And I'm not. I'm strong. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not sure I'd recognize the woman I was before. I'm pretty certain she and I wouldn't have been friends. This new and improved version is walking barefoot along this stone path, relishing the calluses that have formed. The softness and naivete are gone. The uncertainty has disappeared. There is a sureness in each stride. Confidence is a more consistent friend. 

Maybe I needed this day to happen. I miss my dad dearly every day! However, if I hadn't had to plan his cremation, I wouldn't be where I am. I would still be stuck in a place I didn't want to be in. And I really love where I am at this moment! 

Making the Grade

The other day, I was surfing the net and found a blog post from a mom who was frustrated with her son. There's not much news there, right? What mother doesn't get frustrated with their children? However, this post took me back to a place that I would rather not go...my past. See, this mother and father are upset because they think their teenage son, a senior in high school, is not taking his future seriously. Instead of studying for an upcoming exam, he was more focused on playing video games. They believed their son lacked ambition. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't...the point is that this kid was getting good grades...without studying.

I was that son...okay, I was a daughter, but still...you get my point. I was constantly being reminded that I needed to apply myself and how my grades were more important than having fun with my friends. Now, like the son in the blog post, I made decent grades. I wasn't a straight-A student, but I probably could've been. I worked part-time all through high school and school came easy. I made B's without making an effort. Blowing off homework to have fun with my friends on the weekend was part of my life. My homework always made it in the teachers' hands (and no, I didn't copy off someone else). I can still hear my mom and grandma saying, "If you'd just apply yourself..."

Apply myself to what? The one dream I had was dashed on the rocks before I ever made it to high school. I had no idea what the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. Some days, I still wonder if I'll ever get it all figured out. Anyway, how do you apply yourself to something when you have no clue where you're headed? And what is funny is that no one asked me what I wanted to be. But I wasn't being pushed to go to college. I wasn't being steered in any direction. I don't think anyone ever thought I'd be more than someone's wife and mother.

I've made it to college and I'm working on my degree. I work hard for my grades, but let me share something with you. I've applied myself to the science and math classes because I was working toward my BS. I've failed miserably. I've studied until I cannot see anything except fx(g) or metamorphic vs. sedimentary rocks. What do those things have to do with an English degree? Nothing. Where will I use these things? I won't. However, they are part of the "core requirements" for a BS, so I'm forced to take them. Two semesters I took and retook math and geology in the hopes of getting better grades than the previous semester. Because of my BS, I needed those classes. I grew frustrated and I kept hearing the words, "If only you'd apply yourself...you're just being lazy." My depression was at an all-time high. I've finally remedied the situation and am working on a BA instead. Still need the math, but I've got the science requirement covered.

I sat in my math class that second semester with Mr. Charismatic Smile from the previous semester and almost lost it when he walked in. He had this huge smile on his face and he sat down with me. Tears filled my eyes when I told him that I felt stupid. (I hate it when people tell me I'm stupid/not smart/unintelligent/lazy/etc.) He squeezed my hand and said, "No, you're not. You're in the same boat as me. This just doesn't make sense to us. But you are NOT stupid. I'm not stupid. We're just not able to comprehend this stuff." In fact not too long ago, he shared this and I cried:

So, here's a little bit of advice: Don't tell your kids that their grades define them, they don't. It doesn't matter if  your kid gets an A or a C on a test. Hell, it doesn't matter if they fail it. You need to ask your kid where they see their life going, who they want to be, where they want to go. Maybe your kid doesn't want to go to college right now. Yes, it would be easier, but in all seriousness, your kid getting a job at a gas station or factory isn't the end of the world. They may just find out who they are. And going to college? It may not be in the cards for your child, at least, not now. But the decision needs to be THEIRS. They're not stupid or lazy because they don't follow the goals YOU laid out for THEM. And teaching your children to stress over getting a B instead of an A, well, that just turns them into people who think they have to please you. Teach them to set goals for themselves and live up to THEIR expectations. And just a little FYI: relaxing in front of a video game or a computer screen or even with a book isn't going to kill your kid. You might be surprised at how much they actually learn...about how to manage stress. Take it from someone is just now learning how to deal with stress...like biology, algebra, and English, teaching a child to deal with stress is just as important.

 I've changed my major three times since I started college. I'm finally content on my choice, but that college debt is all mine. I've made mistakes and I own each of them, but you know what? At the end of the day, I took my own path, not the one carved out for me, and I'm so much happier now.

Sure you want Junior to be successful, but what is success really? My definition is this: Success is being happy with your life. It's not about a big house, a fancy car, or a big paycheck. It's about paying your bills, having a roof over your head and food on your table. Success is being able to look at yourself in the mirror and liking the person you see there. Happiness=success and no one can convince me otherwise.

How Can I Say Thanks?

This isn't one of those mushy posts where I tell everyone how much I love them and thank them for making me, well, me.

You don't have to know me personally to know my struggles. Financially, emotionally, mentally...we all have them. Mine aren't any different from anyone else's. I'm not special or pretending to be. But today, I took a step in the right direction. I put a payment down to insure my future will be better than my today. That my dreams will come true. That I will be able to have it all!

I've fought this war within myself for the better part of a year. An independent woman who asks no one for anything. Who will go without simply out of pride. I've cried and rallied at the universe for the issues I've faced. For the people I've lost. Today, I learned a very valuable lesson. I'm strong. I'm determined. I can stand on my own (despite being told I would never be able to do it). I learned that sometimes I amaze myself and in the best ways.

I'm not a confident woman. If you've read some of my blog posts, you know that. But today, I'm standing a little bit taller. I've done something that makes me proud of who I am and where I am.

I didn't get to this point by taking the easy way. My mom has told me on occasion that I don't have to try and climb over the mountain. I could have just walked around it instead. She's right! The problem is that I don't always see two paths, so I take the one I see instead of blazing my own. People have left me when I thought they'd always stay. Friends have stabbed me in the back. It is to these people that I say my thank yous! Because they left or hurt me, I found my own strength. Their words were often hurtful and unfair, but you know what? They taught me the lessons I needed to learn. For that I'm eternally grateful. Had they not left my life and not looked back, I may not be sitting here today, writing about how I found my truth and strength.

I cannot depend on someone else to make my dreams come true. That is all on me! Today, I took one step closer to seeing this dream through. It may not seem like much to you, but it is a big deal in my world. I kicked off the covers, took a deep breath, and flipped off all the people who said I'd never make it without them. I've cried and fought against the changing tides, but it has gotten me nowhere. So, I went out to sea with the tides and let the waters swallow me, change me, wash me of all my doubts.

I'm taking control of my dreams and I'll be damned if anyone takes the control away from me. This is MY life and I will live it MY way. I deserve happiness. I am worthy. I'm on my way!