The End of An Era

It has been almost a week that I've had to survive without my best friend by my side.
On March 25th at 3:19am, I held my best friend's paw and felt his heart take its last beat. With the final beat, an era came to an end.

Diesel was the end of a long line of love. It began with Kodiak and when Diesel drew his last breath, the line of love ended. 

For the first time in almost 20 years, my house doesn't have a dog residing within its walls. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

There is no more "thump, thump" of his tail as I walk through the door. My bed stays completely made each day because there is no dog pulling my pillows to the center of the bed so he can lie on them. There is no one to eat half of my meals each day. There are no toenails sounding on the wooden floors. There is no jingle of his chain as he gets up to move around. There is no body interrupting my sleep so he can get as close as possible to me. There is no ungodly snoring to warm my heart. There is no massive paws demanding a scratch when I'm in the middle of another task. And I miss him with every beat of my heart.

He came into my life when he was 4 months old. After my Rottie passed away, I had sworn there wouldn't be any more additions to our pack. Then, 9 months later, Diesel came along. He was a spoiled Mama's boy from the start. I would hold him, rock him, sing to him, and treat him better than some children. Everything I did was for him. I got a job so I could afford to give him the life he deserved. I went to school every day because I needed a better job. He was the reason I got out of my bed every single day. He was what kept the depression and anxiety at bay. His goofy antics and his big wrinkly face could brighten up every single day.

My dear boy was the love of my life! I was so blessed to be his mom for his lifetime.  Rest easy, big guy! I loved you more than you could ever know and you blessed me the day you chose me to be your mom. There was NEVER a day that I regretted anything I did for you. You were the best thing in my life and I cannot tell you that enough!

I used to sing this song to Diesel all the time. The morning he passed away, I was blessed enough to sing this to him one final time.

With all the love in my heart, I miss you, my darling boy! Fly high. Run free. Tell Daddy I miss him, too. I'll see when I reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Diesel: 2008-2019

Who You Are...

Do you know the exact moment it happened? The very moment that you became the person you are? Do you know when it occurred? 

I believe we are always evolving and changing, but I also knew the moment where I became the woman I am...the very core of who I am.

It was a difficult day and I knew there would be no return to who I had been. The day when I had the rose-colored glasses yanked off my eyes and I saw the world as it was. It was the day when I realized that come what may in my life, I'd never face a moment like this one again. Nothing as difficult as this moment.

I remember the smell of the office, the feel of the table under my fingers, the way my breath caught and my heart broke, and the rage I felt at the very kind man who was doing his best to help a broken-hearted woman. I can't imagine doing his job on a daily basis!

It wasn't the day I found messages from my now ex-husband to another woman. It wasn't the night I got the phone call telling me my dad had passed away. It happened while I was sitting in a conference room in lower Michigan, attempting to find a way to honor the man I loved more than life itself. The day I had to plan my dad's cremation.

I looked at the man sitting beside me, who knew the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I knew this is where our journey together ended. No matter what happened from this moment on, I was walking this path without him. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my father, but the death of my marriage as well. The other man sitting with me wanted to help in every way, shape, and form to make this as easy as possible. He took notes and wrote down the things that came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, he didn't do my father justice. I had intended to write my dad's obituary myself, but I just couldn't.

That day I knew I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I didn't need the man who was holding my hand, trying to console me. I was on my own! The one person I had relied on from the beginning was gone and, from here on out, I was never going to be the same person. 

And I'm not. I'm strong. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not sure I'd recognize the woman I was before. I'm pretty certain she and I wouldn't have been friends. This new and improved version is walking barefoot along this stone path, relishing the calluses that have formed. The softness and naivete are gone. The uncertainty has disappeared. There is a sureness in each stride. Confidence is a more consistent friend. 

Maybe I needed this day to happen. I miss my dad dearly every day! However, if I hadn't had to plan his cremation, I wouldn't be where I am. I would still be stuck in a place I didn't want to be in. And I really love where I am at this moment! 

No Time For Regrets...

I'm one of those weird people (oh shuddup! I can hear laughter ringing through the interwebs). I try to live my life sincerely and without regrets. I try not to look back and overthink why I made the decision I did and how it may be right or wrong. I often joke about what would have happened if I had taken that right at Albuquerque (huge Bugs Bunny fan) instead of the left, but I truly wouldn't change anything.

When my grandma passed away, I heard people saying "Oh, I wish I had listened to her stories when she asked me to" or "What I would give for just one more day." Funny enough, I always took the time because I had it. I listened to her stories even if I had heard it a million and one times. She would call me at least twice a day to see how I was. I took the time to visit with her and spent a lot of time with her. I was devastated when she died, but only becauseI lost one of my best friends. I often wonder what she thinks of my life now and how vastly different it is from what it was, but never a regret for words unsaid.

My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, but still no regrets. We would talk often and 3 days before he died, we spoke for over 2 hours. We said everything that needed to be said and probably a few (funny) things that didn't. Like Grandma, I wonder what he would think of my life today and the changes I've made, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I divorced my husband of over 20 years. I did what I could and it wasn't enough. I got tired of the crap and gave myself an amazing birthday gift...I filed the necessary papers. Do I regret it? Nope! Not in the least. He's happy with his new life and I'm happy with mine. We're still friendly, but things were left too long to be fixed,

I followed my then friend to a new campus in a new city in a new state. Not a regret to be had. It was the best decision I could've made. I got a new chance at life. We had fun while it lasted. Experimented with things that made us both happier than we had been in a while, but shit happens and friendships fade. Still no regrets.

Dated a man who harmed me and did more damage to my psyche and body than anyone should endure. Any regrets? Not a one. Because of him, I found my strength and determination to walk away. I needed him for his part of my journey. He taught me more in 4 months than I'd learned in a lifetime. Not one single regret.

I guess my point is that, if at any juncture, I had made a different decision, I wouldn't be here. Something as simple as lifting my head and looking up brought me some of the most amazing people to walk this journey with. If I had chosen to buy the orange juice instead of the apple juice one day or taken astronomy instead of geology or dropped that creative writing class instead of trying it out or taken math my first semester instead of waiting or taking a math class that started later in the day, I may have missed out on so much. But I didn't. I'm exactly where I need to be...here!

So today, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

Missing You...

Some days, dancing in the rain is not an option. Some days, I'm lucky to get out of bed. My depression is so bad lately that I feel as if I'm drowning.

See, I'm coming up on a big anniversary...the day my hero left this world. It happens to fall right after my birthday. I'm so focused on this anniversary and how my daddy is not here to call me that I can barely keep moving. 

It hurts so badly this year. You see, my dad used to call me constantly, but on my birthday when I'd answer the phone with my usual, "Hi." I'd get "Happy Birthday" sang to me in his "I think I'm Elvis" voice. I'd roll my eyes and laugh. Then, he'd tell me how much he loved me and about the night I came into this world. The last time I spoke to him was my birthday. We spoke for two hours that day. This was one of our longest conversations. It is forever ingrained in my memory. His final words to me were "In case, I haven't told you...it is an honor to be your dad." We told each other "I love you" and hung up. Three days later, this great man took his leave. 

Now I know I was lucky! Not every girl has a daddy like mine. And that's okay, too! I was a daddy's girl and proud of that. Hell, we were both proud of that!

I am reminded every day of how much I'm loved. I do know that. The people in my life never let a day go by without telling me they love me. 

Everyone tells me that the reason I'm having a hard time this year is because I'm truly happy for the first time. That might be. I'm taking some big steps in my life and I wish I could seek his advice. Am I making the right decisions? Am I doing the right things? Could I be doing something better? Am I headed in the right direction or should I have taken that right at Albuquerque (Bugs Bunny reference)?

Depression will NOT beat me! I won't allow it!! But for today...I might just let the darkness stay for a little while longer. (Damn flying monkeys are determined to kill my happy!) 

Never mind...Toto is up and needing a walk. The Wizard and a couple of Munchkins are wanting breakfast. No wallowing allowed today!