It Looks Like We Made It...

As we close out the year, my Facebook feed is filled with people making lists of their accomplishments. People have traveled the world, gotten degrees, published several books, gotten their dream jobs, started their own businesses. All things that are great things! And I am so happy for them all. Then, there's me...I survived!

Yes, that is my great accomplishment for 2018...survival! I know it may not seem like much, but trust me, it has been a feat.

Depression has tried to kick my ass and some days it felt like it would succeed, but it didn't. I'm still here. I have watched my dreams get put aside because Life got in the way. My anxiety has shot through the roof. There were days when I couldn't even think of leaving my house. However, after a day of self-care, I managed to get out in the world again. I cried more tears than I have in a long time. I've hated myself, my life, and everything in between. However, I've also managed to fall in love with certain aspects of myself and laughter managed to wipe out the tears. And my dreams? Well, we'll see what comes of them. Right now, I'm not expecting much.

2018 has not been the best year on record, let me tell you! I haven't thrived in any way, shape, or form, but I have survived! To be honest, that is more important than anything. If I don't survive, I can never thrive.

So, let me tell you something. A while ago, I wrote about highlight reels and how people are only revealing their best selves on social media. They want the accolades that come with their successes. They don't show you the struggles or the downfalls they've faced.

Life has kicked my ass this year. I'm not being anything other than honest. I've scared the people who love me most. I went darker than I have gone in a very long time. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day and the future me will find her way. People tell me that I have no faith. They're wrong!

Did you have a year where you saw dreams come true and made great strides in your life? That is great! I'm so happy for you! Did this year kick your butt? Are you still breathing and fighting for a better life? That is awesome! I'm proud of you!

I am praying that 2019 will be a better year. I hope I can find my lost path or maybe forge a new one. I hope to thrive and find a few of those long lost dreams coming to fruition. However, if I merely survive, well, that is okay, too! 

I wish you a happy and blessed New Year! Be safe! Be loved!

Suicide Awareness Month

September is Suicide Awareness Month, in case you didn't know. Not a lot of attention is brought to it because, let's face it, this is still a very hard subject to discuss. It isn't a commonly talked about topic and, in truthfulness and my opinion, we need to destroy the stigma around it. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone so today I'm opening up my world to allow you to peek inside.

If you know anything about me, then you know our veterans are very dear to me. I have loved many in this lifetime and I'm honored to call many of them my friends. According to the VA, there is an average of 20.6 suicides amongst this group. DAILY! And while these numbers include active service members, it still is 20.6 too many. I'm the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. This used to be a very real part of my daily life...keeping my dad here for as long as I could. Some days were easy, others not so much. My dad saw war and did things of which he was not proud. These things weighed on his soul. Watching it wear away at him was not something I'd wish on anyone. With the other veterans I love, I can see the hauntings in their eyes some days. It is terrifying to think of losing any of them. Fortunately, my dad didn't die by suicide, at least not in the conventional sense, he drank himself to death while those around him watched it happen. 

My grandpa, however, did. My grandpa was one of the strongest people I knew. One day, something just snapped and he took his own life. Devastated doesn't even begin to express how we all felt.  Shocked. Surprised. Puzzled. Looking back at the events that led to that horrific day, I understand how that was the route that he took. He'd watched the two women he had loved in this life die. He'd had some health issues that led to him having dietary restrictions. Friends had died. He was taking sleeping pills in order to sleep at night. Grandkids had grown up and had lives of their own. I think he felt alone and I truly understand why he chose to leave on his terms.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this on more than one occasion. Life has been difficult and some days I just get tired of it all. My depression rides me hard and I struggle to breathe when that happens. On those days, I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Then, I think of those I love and fight through it. I really do want to see where this life takes me. So far the journey has had a lot of twists and turns. But in the midst of it all, it is a battle that I wonder if I can win. A friend once told me "When it is the darkest, reach out your hand and you'll find someone reaching back for you." So, that's what I do. And I hold on for dear life!

Suicide should not be viewed as a weakness or a sin. It merely is. In this world, it is an inevitable thing with which most of us will have dealings. We need to have conversations with our children, our friends, our family members, and even acquaintances. Removing the stigma around mental illness would help. Teaching our children that bullying is NOT okay would help. Recognizing the signs of depression would help. There is help out there. It needs to be more accessible to people.

And in case you need to hear it today, you are a beloved and cherished part of this universe. You are uniquely you and nobody can be a better you than you! Hold on, it will get better! If you feel like you've lost all hope, reach into the darkness and find that hand reaching back for you. 

I'm Sorry

I had a blogpost written about love, but something happened in my day and I needed to deal with it.

Lately, I feel like I've spent most of my life apologizing. I wasn't the perfect child. Back in the day, words like "introverted", "depression", and "anxiety" weren't used as easily as they are today. It's taken me all my life to find words to explain why I am the way I am.

I wasn't the daughter my parents necessarily wanted. I was mouthy. I had an attitude. I didn't date. I preferred to lock myself in my bedroom. I wasn't the most beautiful girl in my class. I didn't have the most amazing social life. I didn't want to be involved in sports. I was simply me. It was as if I was never satisfied.

I wasn't the most popular girl. I had a few close friends, but that was it. I kept my nose in a book. I wasn't thin by anyone's standards. I was plain in so many ways. I didn't want to be noticed.

I married someone I liked well enough, but that's all that can be said. I tried my best to be a good wife, but, if I listen to him, my best wasn't good enough. There was always something to find fault with.

I am not the best student. I work hard for my grades and they often fall short. It's not because I don't try. I try so hard, but I have professors who tell me I need to try harder. I work 40 hours a week plus go to classes plus have to clean my house, etc. plus a ton of homework to do. When I tell you I'm doing my best, I promise you it is the truth.

I'm a shitty dog mom! I buy Diesel the best food I can afford. He has toys and treats, though the treats are no longer homemade like they used to be. I have time to walk him around the yard and snuggle with him at bedtime, but that's it. We live in a fucked up house with a landlord who refuses to fix things, yet constantly brings up when I fall short of his mark.

Which brings me to: I'm not the best tenant. When I ask you to work with me so I don't have to live in my truck and you say, "Sure, not a problem," I take you at your word. When I have a lawn service all set to mow the grass to keep my end of the month to month lease that was signed (with my former roommate) three years ago and you proceed to mow of your own accord, I think you are doing it to be kind. My yard service cancelled my account because I had to cancel them too many times and now you complain?

I'm not a size 2 or supermodel pretty! I take up space and maybe it is more than I deserve, I don't know. I try to be more than pretty. I try to be kind, supportive, friendly (as I can stand), generous, loving, and happy. I try to make the world a better place every day. You'll never understand what it takes for me to get out of  bed some days.

I'm not writing. Believe me when I say, I try. My characters want their stories told. I've hit a rough patch with the next Cedar River book and I don't want to write what I know must be written. My dragons aren't "dragony" enough. My goal was to write about special people not have them embody their animals. I'm so unsure of myself, my writing, and my life that I have no idea when I'll put cursor to Word again.

In a world gone mad, I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine by me! I don't fit into the mold most people have for me. I'm just trying to be the most honest version of me I can be. I'm not one who pretends to be someone I'm not. My house is a mess. I have a laundry basket of dirty clothes. There is a stack of bills that need to be paid. I have boxes that need to be gone through and stuff to get rid of. I need to plug up the mouse holes with steel wool to keep them out of my closet, kitchen, etc. My hair is a mess. My dog needs a bath. My truck needs an oil change and a bath. I'm running on fumes. And I'm tired of apologizing for that! I'm doing my best and that is truthfully all I can do.

A Box Full of Darkness

As most of you know, I've been on this journey. Lately, I've been looking at the things that have gone wrong in my life, either due to my bad judgement or because I allowed the wrong people to take the helm (so bad judgement on my part). I've been counting my blessings and learning to bless others as I walk along the yellow brick road.

Here's a thought: What if the darkest parts of the road where actually the times I was most blessed? Those times when I felt the lowest, I walked the path with hesitancy and trepidation, but I still kept putting one foot in front of the other. It was in those times that I found my strength. It was during those times when I found my determination. It was in the moments when I stumbled and fell, but rolled over for a moment or two to look up at the sky to watch the stars, that I saw the light.

I've always loved the dark. Someone once asked me why I loved the darkness as much as I do. I told them "Because in the daylight, we all put on masks and hide our true selves from others. But in the night, the masks come off and we get to be ourselves. The darkest part of the nightfall is where the freaks play." (Freaks is very much an endearment as I am one of those people.)

I don't know why I think the light of day will guide me and show me what I need to see. Bad things hide in the shadows of the daylight, but in the darkness, well, the true light shines. I look at some of the events of my life and think "Wow, what the hell were you thinking? If only you had taken that right turn at Albuquerque. If only you would have stuck to your guns and not listened to friends. If only you would have followed your heart." Do you know what? If I had taken that right at Albuquerque, not listened to others and followed my own heart, I wouldn't be here, in this place, in this moment, in this time. My path may have been easier, but we don't learn anything when things are easy. The struggle is where we learn who we are and what we are made of. I could have avoided a lot of pain and sorrow, but I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn. I've learned that I do value myself more than I believed, that I'm stronger than I thought I was, that I'm more intelligent than I originally believed, that I am beautiful (maybe not to everyone, but to more than I could have imagined), that I have the right to have crazy colored hair no matter what my age, that tattoos are works of art, but most of all, that I can allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love. 

It is in the darkest times when we truly find ourselves. I don't need people to tell me what I should be studying or where. I don't need to hear that I'm beautiful, intelligent, or incredible. In the darkest times of my life, if I would have listened to my heart, the answers were right there. The stars were the true light, guiding me to my destiny and showing me the path that has been right in front of me all along. 

With this realization in mind, I am putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where this road leads. This time, I'm allowing the stars to light my way and I'm following my heart.

Funk It

I've been in a bit of a funk the last week. I'm not sure why. I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Just that sort of funk I can't shake. I've tried to mediate. I've lit candles and incense. I've prayed. I'm just in a funk.

It may have to do with the fact that everyone is back in classes except me. I made the decision to take the semester off to write and refocus my thoughts, find my direction. I needed to take a break, but I'm regretting it. I miss the people I talked to on a daily basis. (That is a big confession for this introvert.) I miss sitting in the cafe with a cup of coffee and talking to my friends. 

Writing is important to me and I love doing it, but for some reason, something is off in my world. I mean, off to the point of crying because this is my passion. Why am I not feeling it? Why am I having this issue? I put my butt in the chair and I have the keyboard in front of me. No thoughts come to me and I just can't see the point.

I'm not feeling inspired, I guess. Even my cooking and baking is slacking. I'm sticking with the basics and not really trying anything new. A lot of easy meals with no thought process required. Cut the chicken, put it in the pan, cook it, add the veggies and any sauce, let cook. Serve over the rice. (I eat a lot of Asian food.) 

There are people who will tell you that the situation with my rental house is the problem (crappy landlord who refuses to fix things, like the ceiling that is falling in my dining room), and maybe they're right. Everything is in disarray due to the landlord not dealing with the issues that need to be handled. Most of my stuff is packed up, waiting for a place away from this town. I'm just not meant to be a city dweller. Others would tell you that my employer drains me. Now, they're not wrong either. I'm run down on my best of days. I take vitamins to keep my energy level up. I don't eat a lot of junk. Truthfully, I think my depression is cycling again. And all of the things above probably add to it.

I'm trying to make the appropriate changes, but it feels as if the universe is conspiring against me until I learn the lesson I need to learn. So, yellow brick road is keeping me returning to this point.

Somebody sent me this video. Thought I'd share the love with you:

Missing You...

Some days, dancing in the rain is not an option. Some days, I'm lucky to get out of bed. My depression is so bad lately that I feel as if I'm drowning.

See, I'm coming up on a big anniversary...the day my hero left this world. It happens to fall right after my birthday. I'm so focused on this anniversary and how my daddy is not here to call me that I can barely keep moving. 

It hurts so badly this year. You see, my dad used to call me constantly, but on my birthday when I'd answer the phone with my usual, "Hi." I'd get "Happy Birthday" sang to me in his "I think I'm Elvis" voice. I'd roll my eyes and laugh. Then, he'd tell me how much he loved me and about the night I came into this world. The last time I spoke to him was my birthday. We spoke for two hours that day. This was one of our longest conversations. It is forever ingrained in my memory. His final words to me were "In case, I haven't told you...it is an honor to be your dad." We told each other "I love you" and hung up. Three days later, this great man took his leave. 

Now I know I was lucky! Not every girl has a daddy like mine. And that's okay, too! I was a daddy's girl and proud of that. Hell, we were both proud of that!

I am reminded every day of how much I'm loved. I do know that. The people in my life never let a day go by without telling me they love me. 

Everyone tells me that the reason I'm having a hard time this year is because I'm truly happy for the first time. That might be. I'm taking some big steps in my life and I wish I could seek his advice. Am I making the right decisions? Am I doing the right things? Could I be doing something better? Am I headed in the right direction or should I have taken that right at Albuquerque (Bugs Bunny reference)?

Depression will NOT beat me! I won't allow it!! But for today...I might just let the darkness stay for a little while longer. (Damn flying monkeys are determined to kill my happy!) 

Never mind...Toto is up and needing a walk. The Wizard and a couple of Munchkins are wanting breakfast. No wallowing allowed today!

After the Fall...

Yesterday was the day where I didn't feel like getting out of bed or going to class. I forced myself...okay, I'll be honest here, Diesel forced me to get up. My depression was at an all time low. I felt unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and unneeded.

Well, Diesel fixed one of those for me. He definitely needed me...to run him outside for his potty, to feed him, to change his water, and to get out of "his" bed. 

I figured since I was up and had to go to classes. I was doubting so much about myself: not sure if I even belong in the academic world anymore. Questioning myself, my decisions, and my abilities to actually do this. I sat in Journalism and texted my best friend all during class, tears streaming down my cheeks because I hurt so badly. 

Something I should explain...I told him that I didn't think he truly had my back (a promise we had made to each other...we'd always have each other's back). I hurt him. I pissed him off. And you know why? Because for the last two years, he's ALWAYS been the one to have my back...ALWAYS!!!!! I hurt him and I hurt because of it. I love this man so much and I promised I would never hurt him. 

I made it to my Women's Studies class and I have NO idea what we discussed. My mind and heart were on the text messages exchanged previously. But I reached some clarity...I was the one who didn't have HIS back. In the midst of all the drama, I let him down. I was acting like a spoiled brat who wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and how she wanted it. I never once gave thought to how he must feel, what he must be struggling with, what I could do to help him. Instead, I felt sorry for ME!

He came for dinner last night before his late class. He gave me more of his time than I deserved, to be honest. We laughed. I cried. We straightened out the mess that was created when people text message. (Trust me, if you need to say something important, DON'T TEXT IT!!! Instead call the person so they can hear the emotion in your voice. How you might mean something to sound isn't revealed through text and your meaning can be taken all wrong.) I apologized for acting like a spoiled ass brat. He gave me this look that only he can give me and said "Never once have I thought you were spoiled." (Did I ever mention how perfectly imperfect he is?) For the record, he also said he's never thought I was an ass or a bitch. LOL When he left, I felt more loved, wanted, and worthy than I'd felt in a while. I am hoping he can say the same thing.

This little bump in the road made me realize just how much I take for granted, including him. See, I love him dearly. He's been there for the roughest two years and he's stuck around. Why? I have no idea, but he's here. He has been my rock, my soul, my friend, my partner, my shoulder, my safe place, my laughter, and my heartbeat. When I say that he is the reason my world turns, I am not lying. He's kept me moving forward with only occasional glances backward. He's taught me so much more than he can ever realize...one lesson I'm learning now is that I'm strong. I need to be...he deserves a much better person to walk beside him on this journey than I've been lately.

So, I've written a bit today. I've applied for jobs. I've looked at places for Diesel and I to live. And I'm making a plan...summer classes which will ease me right into the fall semester which will lead me up to a spring graduation with a bachelor's degree, if I plan it all right. It's going to take some time and hard work, but I can do this. But most of all, I am making a commitment to be the friend my best friend deserves. One who doesn't see him as her be all end all, but as the one who is willing to walk through fire for him, to crawl across molten glass to ease his pain, to die for him, if he needs her to...you know? The kind of friend he has been to me.

After the fall...I've found that I'm the exact person I was trying so hard to not become, but I can fix me. I'm the only one who can.