I'll Always Remember You Young

This song has been playing on the radio a lot lately. It catches my ear, but I seldom hear all of the words simply because I'm lost in my own thoughts most days. However, the other day was a rough one. 

Christmas is always tough time, but this was the first one without my partner in crime, my rock, my best friend...my beautiful boy, Diesel. My heart has been a bit heavier this year. I've been missing my grandparents, my dad, Diesel, my cousin (and now his partner) and my mind has traveled across the ethereal plane, wondering if they are all okay.

The first time I remember asking my grandma how old she was, she answered, "I'm 53." She wasn't much older then than I am now. I cannot imagine Grandma coloring her hair wild colors and wearing the clothes I wear. But in my mind, she is forever 53. Playing ball with us kids, making date candy into dog turd shapes to give to her baby brother, and playing Chinese checkers on rainy Saturdays.

My grandpa is frozen in time as a younger man. Reminding me to hold my silverware like a lady, to not wear my cap so far down on my ears cuz "ladies don't have cauliflower ears", and buying his only granddaughter plastic collectible ponies for Christmas.

My parents will be forever in their thirties. Back when they were happy. Back before Dad's PTSD took over his life. Back when we were still a family.

My cousin will always be 18 (and I can hear him laughing). I remember his smile...god, how I loved him. Driving to town with him to pick up his paycheck, Billy Idol blasting on the radio, no cares in the world. 

I know my cousin, Beth, will laugh, but to me, she'll always be 16. Rimming my waterline with black eyeliner while Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons rocked out on the television in her parents' living room. She is the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had.

And my darling Diesel will forever be the puppy who loved to be carried to bed, sung "Baby Mine", and was the best friend a girl could ask for.

 

My friends are forever frozen in time at 18. When our futures were bright, life was simple, and the world was ours for the taking.

The other day, someone asked me what I was like when I was younger. I paused a moment or two and let my mind travel back in time. I wasn't much different than I am now. Ballsy. Full of sass. Full of spirit. I was the girl who hung out with the guys with jacked-up trucks on Main Street on Friday night, her best friend by her side. Driving backroads with the windows down and the music up loud. Seeing just how much trouble we could find. My nose wasn't always in a book, but pretty damn often. I dreamed of getting out of the one horse town and being someone special. I had big dreams and lofty aspirations. 

I've often wondered how people remember me. If they remember me at all. I'm sure I'm the bad guy to some, wounded to others, beautiful with an ugly heart/ugly with a beautiful heart, unlovable, untouchable, and I'm sure the list goes on. I just hope someone somewhere remembers me fondly as someone who gave her all. And always remembers me young!

There is Something About a Man...

When I was going through the break-up of my marriage, my best friend looked at me one day and said, "Next time, you should try women." I laughed at him and said, "Nah, I like men. They have all the proper appendages." He rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, but you can BUY those." I remember sitting there laughing at him simply because he didn't get it. He told me, "Women are soft and squishy. They always smell good. They are smooth. Men are hairy and nasty.They get sweaty and stinky." I may have made a noise along the lines of "Mmmmmm...." to which he just shook his head.

Let me describe my best friend...He's 6 ft. 4 inches with dark brown hair and melted chocolate brown eyes. He's furry, big, and very teddy bear-like. When we first met, there was no facial hair. Then, he grew this beard that, well, let's just say, I like...A LOT!!! His family makes fun of it, but I find it about as sexy as anything. Then, there's his voice... Anyway, you get the point! This man is all sorts of sexy!

In the midst of the above conversation, he turned those heavily lashed brown eyes on me and said, "If I were a woman, I would totally be a lesbian." I snickered and tried to tell him what I love about men. There are so many things that make men the number one choice for me.

1. Their strength- Knowing he can hurt me, but won't is a huge turn on for me. So often I find myself needing someone to lean on when life gets to be too much and I always turn to my guy friends.

2. The way they feel- I'm not a woman who likes a guy with abs of steel. I want a guy with a bit of a belly. It's more comfortable to lay my head on when we are snuggling on the couch.

3. Their fur- There is just something about running my hands over a guy's fur that makes me go all weak in the knees. The contrast between my smoothness and his fur makes the womanly side of me become more defined.

4. Their smell- I don't mean their cologne, though that is nice, too. I mean their natural smell. I don't know how many times I've heard "I don't want to hug you because I've been sweating and I stink." Seriously? HUG ME!!! I love the smell of sweat on a man's skin. I don't mean the nasty, stinky sweat, but the sweat of an honest day's work is a good thing.

5. Whiskers, oh gods, the whiskers- This should be classified under fur, but I can't. Beards, mustaches, goatees...oh gods, I am a sucker for facial hair. The five o'clock shadow thing is nice, but a full on beard rubbing against your soft skin? Oh yeah, baby!

6. Their arms and hands- For the most part, men have these hands that are made to hold women, ya know? They are big and strong. They can hold a woman in her weakest moment and treat her gently. There is power in those hands. There is nothing (for me) like a man wrapping his arms around me, pulling me against him, and stroking my hair while I cry. See I used to be a "jeans and t-shirt" kind of woman, still am to a point, but there is just something about the way a man rocks a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms...sigh... Seeing a man dressed up and ready to head out makes me glad to be a woman.

7. Their brains- I know a few women are saying "Wait a minute! Do men have those?" Yes, they do and they are remarkably brilliant...for the most part. There are some men who still sit around and laugh at fart jokes or any other crude behavior, but the men I'm talking about are brilliant. They have these minds that see things that women overlook. We may think they are being lazy, but in all sincerity, they are just taking their time.

8. Their eyes- Their eyes, if you've got a good one, sees you...the real you! The you they fell in love with. They see the beautiful woman you are and the reason they fell in love with you. If you've got an incredible man, he will even tell you how beautiful you are and how sexy you are. In your eyes, you may miss those things, but to a man...mmmmm...he sees it.

9. Their voices- Oh wow, the timbre of a man's voice is enough to push me over the edge of ecstasy. And it isn't just the voice itself. It's the words they say and the way they say them. Whether it is said in a whisper or at a normal tone, the words they say aren't always pretty, but they say them from their hearts.

10. Their hearts- They pretend to be all rough and tough, but inside, most men are smooshy, squishy tubs of marshmallow fluff. They have such sensitive souls and they love so intensely that it is sometimes hard for us to see that. I find myself liking a man that I have to be a bit more tender around. Not walking on eggshells sort, but simply watching my tone and words...not being bitchy simply because I can be.

11. Their lips- I love to kiss and be kissed...that is my girly side showing through. A man knows how to kiss tenderly and he knows when to take it deeper and rougher.

Yes, I love men. They are these incredibly complex beings (though many would deny it) and I simply want to know their secrets, their thoughts, their desires, their hopes, and their dreams. I want to be the woman who stands by one man for the rest of her life, sharing his joys, sorrows, and tomorrows. Men (or at least one in particular) makes my world turn. His strength keeps me balanced. His logic keeps me grounded. His love gives me security.

After the Fall...

Yesterday was the day where I didn't feel like getting out of bed or going to class. I forced myself...okay, I'll be honest here, Diesel forced me to get up. My depression was at an all time low. I felt unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and unneeded.

Well, Diesel fixed one of those for me. He definitely needed me...to run him outside for his potty, to feed him, to change his water, and to get out of "his" bed. 

I figured since I was up and had to go to classes. I was doubting so much about myself: not sure if I even belong in the academic world anymore. Questioning myself, my decisions, and my abilities to actually do this. I sat in Journalism and texted my best friend all during class, tears streaming down my cheeks because I hurt so badly. 

Something I should explain...I told him that I didn't think he truly had my back (a promise we had made to each other...we'd always have each other's back). I hurt him. I pissed him off. And you know why? Because for the last two years, he's ALWAYS been the one to have my back...ALWAYS!!!!! I hurt him and I hurt because of it. I love this man so much and I promised I would never hurt him. 

I made it to my Women's Studies class and I have NO idea what we discussed. My mind and heart were on the text messages exchanged previously. But I reached some clarity...I was the one who didn't have HIS back. In the midst of all the drama, I let him down. I was acting like a spoiled brat who wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and how she wanted it. I never once gave thought to how he must feel, what he must be struggling with, what I could do to help him. Instead, I felt sorry for ME!

He came for dinner last night before his late class. He gave me more of his time than I deserved, to be honest. We laughed. I cried. We straightened out the mess that was created when people text message. (Trust me, if you need to say something important, DON'T TEXT IT!!! Instead call the person so they can hear the emotion in your voice. How you might mean something to sound isn't revealed through text and your meaning can be taken all wrong.) I apologized for acting like a spoiled ass brat. He gave me this look that only he can give me and said "Never once have I thought you were spoiled." (Did I ever mention how perfectly imperfect he is?) For the record, he also said he's never thought I was an ass or a bitch. LOL When he left, I felt more loved, wanted, and worthy than I'd felt in a while. I am hoping he can say the same thing.

This little bump in the road made me realize just how much I take for granted, including him. See, I love him dearly. He's been there for the roughest two years and he's stuck around. Why? I have no idea, but he's here. He has been my rock, my soul, my friend, my partner, my shoulder, my safe place, my laughter, and my heartbeat. When I say that he is the reason my world turns, I am not lying. He's kept me moving forward with only occasional glances backward. He's taught me so much more than he can ever realize...one lesson I'm learning now is that I'm strong. I need to be...he deserves a much better person to walk beside him on this journey than I've been lately.

So, I've written a bit today. I've applied for jobs. I've looked at places for Diesel and I to live. And I'm making a plan...summer classes which will ease me right into the fall semester which will lead me up to a spring graduation with a bachelor's degree, if I plan it all right. It's going to take some time and hard work, but I can do this. But most of all, I am making a commitment to be the friend my best friend deserves. One who doesn't see him as her be all end all, but as the one who is willing to walk through fire for him, to crawl across molten glass to ease his pain, to die for him, if he needs her to...you know? The kind of friend he has been to me.

After the fall...I've found that I'm the exact person I was trying so hard to not become, but I can fix me. I'm the only one who can.