I'll Always Remember You Young

This song has been playing on the radio a lot lately. It catches my ear, but I seldom hear all of the words simply because I'm lost in my own thoughts most days. However, the other day was a rough one. 

Christmas is always tough time, but this was the first one without my partner in crime, my rock, my best friend...my beautiful boy, Diesel. My heart has been a bit heavier this year. I've been missing my grandparents, my dad, Diesel, my cousin (and now his partner) and my mind has traveled across the ethereal plane, wondering if they are all okay.

The first time I remember asking my grandma how old she was, she answered, "I'm 53." She wasn't much older then than I am now. I cannot imagine Grandma coloring her hair wild colors and wearing the clothes I wear. But in my mind, she is forever 53. Playing ball with us kids, making date candy into dog turd shapes to give to her baby brother, and playing Chinese checkers on rainy Saturdays.

My grandpa is frozen in time as a younger man. Reminding me to hold my silverware like a lady, to not wear my cap so far down on my ears cuz "ladies don't have cauliflower ears", and buying his only granddaughter plastic collectible ponies for Christmas.

My parents will be forever in their thirties. Back when they were happy. Back before Dad's PTSD took over his life. Back when we were still a family.

My cousin will always be 18 (and I can hear him laughing). I remember his smile...god, how I loved him. Driving to town with him to pick up his paycheck, Billy Idol blasting on the radio, no cares in the world. 

I know my cousin, Beth, will laugh, but to me, she'll always be 16. Rimming my waterline with black eyeliner while Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons rocked out on the television in her parents' living room. She is the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had.

And my darling Diesel will forever be the puppy who loved to be carried to bed, sung "Baby Mine", and was the best friend a girl could ask for.

 

My friends are forever frozen in time at 18. When our futures were bright, life was simple, and the world was ours for the taking.

The other day, someone asked me what I was like when I was younger. I paused a moment or two and let my mind travel back in time. I wasn't much different than I am now. Ballsy. Full of sass. Full of spirit. I was the girl who hung out with the guys with jacked-up trucks on Main Street on Friday night, her best friend by her side. Driving backroads with the windows down and the music up loud. Seeing just how much trouble we could find. My nose wasn't always in a book, but pretty damn often. I dreamed of getting out of the one horse town and being someone special. I had big dreams and lofty aspirations. 

I've often wondered how people remember me. If they remember me at all. I'm sure I'm the bad guy to some, wounded to others, beautiful with an ugly heart/ugly with a beautiful heart, unlovable, untouchable, and I'm sure the list goes on. I just hope someone somewhere remembers me fondly as someone who gave her all. And always remembers me young!

It's Only a Bad Day...

Today I walked into chaos when I walked through the doors to my second job (formerly known as my primary job). I'm usually only there a couple of days a week. I have found that while I miss the people I work with, I don't miss the job itself.

Let me tell you what happened. First of all, before I could even punch in, the one sales associate who was supposed to be my support for 4 hours called in. Then, I punched in only to find one of our registers was down. On a Saturday. When the sun was finally shining. And no one had bothered to share this information with me. We also had a new computer upgrade that is wreaking havoc with the only working computer! I texted my manager who told me to see if the other two people working later in the day could come in early. Neither were available. Which is definitely NOT their fault...people have other lives :) I had one person left to call in and she strode through the doors like Wonder Woman. She got to be my superhero today. Our day was crazy busy and, fortunately, breathing is an automatic response. When my other friend walked through the door, I had hit my limit. I was close to tears from the stress of it all and I managed to keep my shit together. Barely. Wonder Woman spent her unexpected shift dealing with the nonsense like the amazing person she is. And she handled my mood like a pro. The ray of sunshine who walked in at 2pm reminded me that I am loved and let me vent about the bullshit of the day.

I went home, took a long hot shower, ate a HUGE dinner (and am stuffed to the gills), and sat down to relax with a warm blanket. It was as I took a deep breath that I realized that I hadn't internalized the bad day I had had. I was able to process the events and put them away. It was only a bad day, not a bad life. This day will pass and will end on an up note. At the end of this day, all that will matter is that the people I call "friends" still want to be my friend. They understand the crabbiness isn't pointed in their direction, it is just the job that I despise.

This is only a bad day. The bullshit of the day will pass and when tomorrow dawns, the bullshit won't matter, but the friends will.

My Grown-Up Letter...

Dear Santa,
     There are people in the world who would say that I'm too old to be writing a letter to you, however, Grandma always told me I was never too old to believe. (My grandma was a smart woman :)) And I just don't give a shit about the world's opinion.
     I'm usually pretty snarky about these "Dear Santa" things. But here I am, being sincere and all. I have quite a list for you and all it comes from the deepest depths of my heart.
       I have a few things I want for myself, but first, I want to get the big stuff out of the way.
     Santa, I know most of this is big stuff and for most people it would be impossible, but I believe that if anyone can do it, you can.
     1) I want all of our soldiers to come home, safe and sound. So, I guess what I'm asking for is Peace on Earth. Our men and women in the military deserve so much more than we, as a nation, give them.
     2) I want every child of the world to know what it is to feel safe, secure, and loved. No child asks to be brought into this world and so often, we forget that.
     3) I also would like every animal to know they are loved and cherished members of the family. We tend to forget that their care, too, was given to us by their Creator.
     4) I would love to have every homeless veteran to have a home, the medical attention they deserve, and the financial help owed to them from an often ungrateful nation.
     I could be selfish and ask for so many things that only money can buy for myself, but, in all truthfulness, Santa, I've gotten older and maybe a bit wiser. I've learned Christmas isn't about stuff or things. Christmas is about love, laughter, friends and family, and joy. So for myself I ask for the following things:
     1) May my friends and family know how dearly loved they are and may the new year bring them all the happiness their hearts will allow. May they be blessed this holiday and all year through!
     2) I've worked hard this year. I've studied until I can study no more. I've typed, added, edited, divided, read, learned, and tested until my eyes and brain hurt. Please, Santa, let me get passing grades in all of my classes!
     3) The next two I will not give words to, however, I was always told that you know what's in my heart. I don't ask for perfection, Santa, but you know my sincerest desires and what lies in the cold black depths of my heart.
     I know this is short notice and some of these things are next to impossible, but it weighed on my heart and mind tonight. 
     I still believe in you, Santa, and I hope you still believe in me, too!
     With love,
     Gemma
P.S. Diesel would like to add Nudges and squeaky toys to the list.

     

Being a Grinch

I want to apologize for not posting much lately. The final weeks of college have been horrendous. I've been focusing hard on getting through finals and not much else has gotten done.

However, let me say, I feeling a little extra "Grinchier" than normal this year. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure there really is a reason. I'm just not feeling the holiday spirit.

I saw a post the other day that spoke to my heart. I wanted to share it with you. And now I can't find it. The gist of it was this: "The Grinch didn't hate Christmas, he hated people." Now, my spin on it is that the Grinch didn't hate people, per se, he hated the greed and meanness that came out of people during the holiday.

I've seen the sweetest people in the world become so horrible and mean to their fellow man during the stress of the holidays. It breaks my heart. 

Maybe this comes from my growing up poor (though I never knew it). So many years, there were handmade gifts under the tree. My mom would sew dresses or new shirts for me. She'd make gifts because money was tight. Sure I wanted the toys that all my friends were asking for, but I knew in my heart I'd never get them and that was more than okay. In a couple of months, their toys would be cast aside because they wanted something different. But even as young as I was, I knew that handmade gifts came from the heart. I knew the love and time that went into each stitch my mom made.

I'm curious as to when Christmas stops being about stuff and becomes about loving one another. Remember how at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Whos remember what Christmas is truly about? It's about family, friends, community, and loving one another. 

I avoid the stores, if at all possible, so I don't have to deal with the worst in humanity. After all, at the end of my day, I really do want to like people. And some day maybe I'll shed my Grinchy green fur and allow my cold black heart to grow 3 sizes bigger.

Surviving...

The last two days have been way more emotional than necessary. See, my beautiful, amazing, and brilliant roommate moved out yesterday. We had discussed the possibility of this happening, but that doesn't mean it didn't rock me to the very core of my foundation.

One of the things I admire, respect, and love about him is his devotion to his family. And let me tell you, what I know of his family...well, I can see why. They are the best of the best. And that is why he moved out...his family needed him.

I cried. I raged. I bitched at the gods that I hold holy. I simmered. I fell apart. I vented. I moved my stuff into his old room. I figured things out...sort of.

But the most important thing of all had been avoided...talking to him. You'd have to understand my esteem issues to know my thought process. Fortunately for me, he does. He gets me like no one else. As I simmered and was prepared for him to say "Goodbye", I finally worked up the nerve to confront him and his words to me? "This is not goodbye!" And he repeated it as often as I needed him to until I finally started to believe it. See, in the two years that we've been friends, we NEVER say "Goodbye". It is always "See you later." But my mind jumps to the worst...like always. We hugged. I cried. He held on when I was ready to let go and he promised me that this would all work out. We'd be okay. Not "You'll be okay." Not "I'll be okay," but "We'll be okay."

© Sitha Suppalertpis

Diesel and I spent our first night on our own last night. He spent his night crying and not knowing how to deal with moving into a different room. However, I got to spend my morning, snuggling up to him and thinking about the next step from here. We've got time. We've got breathing room. We've got this. No matter what, I know we've got this.

I'm discovering that I am a survivor. I know it might not seem like much to you, but it is everything to me...it means I am stronger than I ever thought.

And loving someone means letting them go so they can deal with what they need to deal with. It's being the rock for the one who has been a rock for you all this time. It's trusting that he will walk through his fire and come through it stronger than ever. 

We will survive this. We will thrive because of this. This will only make us stronger people and better friends. When I tell you that he is the best part of my life, I'm not exaggerating by any means.

What I'm Thankful For...

"A day late and a dollar short" as my grandma would say. Yes, that is me. I've been so neglectful lately and it shows in everything. From my writing to my friendships to my homework, I've been neglecting way too much.
I promised everyone that this was going to be a year of change, but I never dreamed how many changes would come my way. What a difference a year can make!
Yesterday, I spent my first holiday...alone. I cooked a small dinner for my Diesel and me. I spent the day in my pajamas, working on homework, playing on the internet, and watching movies. My baby sister called and we talked. Okay, I cried a lot, she coughed a lot (she's sick), and she listened to me bitch. Then, I realized that I never wrote out what I'm most grateful for.

So today I will share what I am most grateful for (in the order of which they came to me):

My baby sister who listens to me. She makes me laugh, cry, think, and roll my eyes. Her humor is twisted and dark. Her brain is weirdly wired like mine and her weirdness can catch mine toe to toe. She lets me vent when things aren't working and doesn't laugh (too hard) when I realize the situation isn't nearly as bad as I thought.

My roommate, my best friend, my partner who gets me. He gets all of me...most of the time. He came into my life when I felt more alone than I had ever been. He walked through that classroom door and flipped my world upside down. He gave me hope. He cared when I felt no one else did. He helped when I didn't think I had a friend in the world. He organized and strategized. He gave light to my darkness and showed me the weird freak that lives inside of him. His weirdness dances with mine and  my demons quiet at the sound of his name.

My furkid who has been there through all the insanity of the last year. His paw was always there for me to hold when I needed that physical contact with someone or something. He's made me laugh more than anyone else could. He accepted the changes in our life like a trooper and fell in love with the people who have come into our lives. He doesn't begrudge me the times when I leave him alone for a few hours to go out and explore my darkness. He's been my constant through it all.

My friends who helped me through the worst summer ever. I don't know what I would have done without you. You gave Diesel and I a place to live while asking for very little in return. You listened as I cried and bitched about the move we were going to make. You kept me from making the worst decision of my life. You helped us move into our new home and helped out with the little things we needed...like a shower curtain and a bed. You came to visit and told me I always had a home to come home to. You are my friends who became my family and I love you more than you will ever realize.

The friends who have often sent a text message or FB'd me just to check in and let me know they are there if I need a shoulder.

My fans, new and old, who stand by patiently (or not so patiently in some cases) while I get my shit together. You've been faithful and loyal. For that alone, I am truly grateful. Book 3 is almost finished, I promise.

To live in the country I live in where I can get an education and become anything I wish to be

To have had the childhood I did

To have been raised by the most incredible man in the world...my daddy.

To have known the love of a mother, even though she wasn't MY mother

To have had the courage to make the changes I made

For my talent as a writer

For my family who still stands beside me

For the new friends who have come into my life, accepted me and showed me that I'm not alone in my darkness. You've helped me grow and you've shown me that I'm not nearly as weird as I thought I was. I've learned so much from all of you in the short time we've been acquainted. More often than not, you keep the light burning bright inside of my cold, dark heart.

There are many things that I'm sure I'm forgetting, but these are a few things (and people) I am most grateful for. Without the people in my life, I would be more lost than I ever thought.

One more thing, I'm grateful for...snow. I have discovered just how much I love the stuff. It is beckoning to me now and I need to get out and shovel. It's actually more invigorating than I ever imagined. One of these days, I'll post some pics for you.

For now, be good to each other, love one another, and hug those you love most!