The End of An Era

It has been almost a week that I've had to survive without my best friend by my side.
On March 25th at 3:19am, I held my best friend's paw and felt his heart take its last beat. With the final beat, an era came to an end.

Diesel was the end of a long line of love. It began with Kodiak and when Diesel drew his last breath, the line of love ended. 

For the first time in almost 20 years, my house doesn't have a dog residing within its walls. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

There is no more "thump, thump" of his tail as I walk through the door. My bed stays completely made each day because there is no dog pulling my pillows to the center of the bed so he can lie on them. There is no one to eat half of my meals each day. There are no toenails sounding on the wooden floors. There is no jingle of his chain as he gets up to move around. There is no body interrupting my sleep so he can get as close as possible to me. There is no ungodly snoring to warm my heart. There is no massive paws demanding a scratch when I'm in the middle of another task. And I miss him with every beat of my heart.

He came into my life when he was 4 months old. After my Rottie passed away, I had sworn there wouldn't be any more additions to our pack. Then, 9 months later, Diesel came along. He was a spoiled Mama's boy from the start. I would hold him, rock him, sing to him, and treat him better than some children. Everything I did was for him. I got a job so I could afford to give him the life he deserved. I went to school every day because I needed a better job. He was the reason I got out of my bed every single day. He was what kept the depression and anxiety at bay. His goofy antics and his big wrinkly face could brighten up every single day.

My dear boy was the love of my life! I was so blessed to be his mom for his lifetime.  Rest easy, big guy! I loved you more than you could ever know and you blessed me the day you chose me to be your mom. There was NEVER a day that I regretted anything I did for you. You were the best thing in my life and I cannot tell you that enough!

I used to sing this song to Diesel all the time. The morning he passed away, I was blessed enough to sing this to him one final time.

With all the love in my heart, I miss you, my darling boy! Fly high. Run free. Tell Daddy I miss him, too. I'll see when I reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Diesel: 2008-2019

Hello!

I'm taking a break from studying to say "Hello!" I'm in the middle of studying for my mid-terms and it's hurting my brain. I've gotten out for fresh air (and to put gas in my truck). I've made food and ate. I've...wait, I swear I'm not stalling! :) 

My study buddy

This guy has been by my side all day. He's such a snuggler on days when he can get some snuggle time in. He's not much help when I'm trying to figure out algebra or history, but he's my heart. Having a bigger bed to snuggle in has absolutely NOTHING to do with his love! *snort* Life is good and I'm so grateful for all that I have!

I hope you have a blessed week ahead of you. I've gotta get back to this studying thing. I've got 7 layer dip Combos and Pepsi to sustain me. 

Bright blessings to you and yours!

Dedicated to My Diesel...

WARNING: I'M HAVING A SAD SORT OF DAY TODAY! TEARS MAY BE INVOLVED!!!!!

Before Diesel became a part of my life, I did the research. For me, it was extremely important to know what I was getting myself into. I mean, a mastiff is a HUGE dog and with a dog of this size comes issues, right? That and getting a dog is a massive responsibility.

I read all the breeders' websites I could find and the health issues were far outweighed by the love this breed has. One thing so many breeders spoke of was the snoring. One even went so far as to post a video of her male and female, lying on either side of her, snoring in stereo. It made me laugh. I mean, c'mon, is it really that bad?

Diesel came to be and the puppy snores were the best. There was absolutely nothing about this dog that didn't make me fall in love with him more every day. He was always the best. He was housebroken very easily and quickly (less than a week). He helped mend my broken heart. There were days when I wondered who fell in love first, me or him. (I still wonder this sometimes.) And to this day, I wonder who chose who. I mean, this is the first puppy who climbed the fence to get to me.

As I sit here typing this out before heading to class, Diesel is on his back on the sofa, snoring his little heart out as if he hadn't slept all night. He sleeps in my bed, snoring all night long, so I know better. I don't know how many times I have to nudge him with my foot because he is snoring and "running". And, yes, the snores are as bad as the breeder's video showed!!! But do you want to know something? I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. There will come a day when I don't have those precious snores to wake me up at night or the dreaming to make me nudge him awake.

So many of my mastiff friends are losing their babies and it had me thinking this morning. With the love of a big dog comes the reality that they don't live as long as we'd like. My Diesel turned 6 years old in December. My best friend tells me that he believes Diesel will live to be 12 or 13 and I pray that is the truth. The thought of losing the love of my life breaks my heart to even imagine. A life with no puppy snores, no thumping of a tail when L comes home, no doggy kisses, no drool all over my good clothes as I'm heading out for the night, and no Diesel snuggles is a life that will be very sad. 

So for today (and tonight), I will treasure all the love that this big lug holds for the me and the men I've brought into his life. He cherishes his humans as much as we treasure him. I've lost count of the times I've heard, "I love Diesel" from any one of them. It shows me that at the end of Diesel's days, he will have touched many and been loved by all who have met him. 

I've Been Thinking...

I know that thought scares most of you who know me. Thinking means this Gemini is either bored and looking for trouble or she's stalling. Actually, I'm neither. 

A friend of mine posted a thought on Facebook today and she got me thinking. Her question went along the lines of; "How does your idea of happiness in your twenties differ from your idea of happiness now?" (Thank you, Liane!) This really started my mind working overtime.

My idea of happiness when I was twenty involved a home, husband, and children. My idea of happiness now? Well, not those things. I had a husband, I no longer do. My children have all been four-legged and furry. And I've made a home out of the most I've had. Now, my happiness is slightly different. Happiness now involves sharing a single bed with a 170 lb. dog who steals as much of my bed as he can throughout the night. Spending my days studying and my nights writing. "Playing" with my best friend and enjoying this lifestyle we are exploring. Hanging out, watching movies, and eating deep-dish pizza. Laughing with my little sisters or best friend and his brothers. Cooking breakfast for my best friend and hearing him say, "This is the best one yet!" Knowing I am appreciated and loved every single day. Knowing that my studies are leading me to the career where I can make a difference in this world. Realizing that my stories are being read by people and people are loving them. 

Puppy kisses and sharing the bed with this guy...priceless!

My idea of happiness and success are so vastly different that they used to be! In many ways, this has to do with the changes I've made over the last year. In so many others, well, they have to do with my best friend and the way he has showed me how to use different lenses to look at things. He is slowly changing my pessimistic ways...the glass isn't always half-empty anymore. Sometimes it is half-full. Other times, there is simply water in the glass and I need to be grateful. Whether it is half-filled or only a swallow, I need to be happy with the fact that at least I have water in said glass.

So tell me...has your idea of happiness changed over the years? I want to hear your thoughts!

What I'm Thankful For...

"A day late and a dollar short" as my grandma would say. Yes, that is me. I've been so neglectful lately and it shows in everything. From my writing to my friendships to my homework, I've been neglecting way too much.
I promised everyone that this was going to be a year of change, but I never dreamed how many changes would come my way. What a difference a year can make!
Yesterday, I spent my first holiday...alone. I cooked a small dinner for my Diesel and me. I spent the day in my pajamas, working on homework, playing on the internet, and watching movies. My baby sister called and we talked. Okay, I cried a lot, she coughed a lot (she's sick), and she listened to me bitch. Then, I realized that I never wrote out what I'm most grateful for.

So today I will share what I am most grateful for (in the order of which they came to me):

My baby sister who listens to me. She makes me laugh, cry, think, and roll my eyes. Her humor is twisted and dark. Her brain is weirdly wired like mine and her weirdness can catch mine toe to toe. She lets me vent when things aren't working and doesn't laugh (too hard) when I realize the situation isn't nearly as bad as I thought.

My roommate, my best friend, my partner who gets me. He gets all of me...most of the time. He came into my life when I felt more alone than I had ever been. He walked through that classroom door and flipped my world upside down. He gave me hope. He cared when I felt no one else did. He helped when I didn't think I had a friend in the world. He organized and strategized. He gave light to my darkness and showed me the weird freak that lives inside of him. His weirdness dances with mine and  my demons quiet at the sound of his name.

My furkid who has been there through all the insanity of the last year. His paw was always there for me to hold when I needed that physical contact with someone or something. He's made me laugh more than anyone else could. He accepted the changes in our life like a trooper and fell in love with the people who have come into our lives. He doesn't begrudge me the times when I leave him alone for a few hours to go out and explore my darkness. He's been my constant through it all.

My friends who helped me through the worst summer ever. I don't know what I would have done without you. You gave Diesel and I a place to live while asking for very little in return. You listened as I cried and bitched about the move we were going to make. You kept me from making the worst decision of my life. You helped us move into our new home and helped out with the little things we needed...like a shower curtain and a bed. You came to visit and told me I always had a home to come home to. You are my friends who became my family and I love you more than you will ever realize.

The friends who have often sent a text message or FB'd me just to check in and let me know they are there if I need a shoulder.

My fans, new and old, who stand by patiently (or not so patiently in some cases) while I get my shit together. You've been faithful and loyal. For that alone, I am truly grateful. Book 3 is almost finished, I promise.

To live in the country I live in where I can get an education and become anything I wish to be

To have had the childhood I did

To have been raised by the most incredible man in the world...my daddy.

To have known the love of a mother, even though she wasn't MY mother

To have had the courage to make the changes I made

For my talent as a writer

For my family who still stands beside me

For the new friends who have come into my life, accepted me and showed me that I'm not alone in my darkness. You've helped me grow and you've shown me that I'm not nearly as weird as I thought I was. I've learned so much from all of you in the short time we've been acquainted. More often than not, you keep the light burning bright inside of my cold, dark heart.

There are many things that I'm sure I'm forgetting, but these are a few things (and people) I am most grateful for. Without the people in my life, I would be more lost than I ever thought.

One more thing, I'm grateful for...snow. I have discovered just how much I love the stuff. It is beckoning to me now and I need to get out and shovel. It's actually more invigorating than I ever imagined. One of these days, I'll post some pics for you.

For now, be good to each other, love one another, and hug those you love most!