Life is Good

How is everyone? I'm praying you and yours are all doing well. I'm still standing and counting the blessings that grace my world.

I started a new blog. I celebrated a birthday. I sat in my sadness over the anniversary of my father's death. I've got on with life and taken a deep breath over the opening up of my world again.

I haven't been into an actual store since March and I'm finding that I don't really miss it. I have a local store that I miss, but, in general, I'm just don't care. I order my groceries online and pick them up on my designated day at my designated time. Anything else I need can either wait or I will order it and have it delivered to the house. The dogs love it! They know when their food is delivered and they get so excited to see the boxes. 

Did I tell you I adopted 2 dogs? I don't think I did. My boss and friend knew my heart hurt over losing Diesel. She knew of 2 dogs who needed love, attention, and training. I hesitated simply because neither of them had ever been in the city, let alone a house. I was worried that this would be more than I could handle. I'd managed to train the other dogs because I'd been home full-time. Working full-time would make this dynamic an interesting one. So, just before Halloween 2019, I drove the 30 minutes to pick up these boys. Jaxson is a Jack Russell terrier who hated to be picked up and really didn't want a lot to do with me. Opie, on the other hand, is a blue heeler/border collie mix. (Yeah, energy enough to fuel a small city.) He has been a tryer of my patience. However, he's a good boy who is finally settling into a much more comfy life. Wanna see a picture?

As you can see, they're having an AWFUL time adjusting. LOL The little one is finally learning to snuggle and it just warms my heart. He has been giving kisses and will let me hug him when the mood strikes him. And the big oaf? Well, he's never had an issue with being loved and adored. Walking on a leash? That's a whole different ball game. *eye roll*

Back to the topic of conversation. I have been working through all of this mess, so I'm blessed more than others. With unemployment being a mess and people being out of work, I am so glad to be still working and getting a steady paycheck. I know of small business owners who are being hit so hard right now and it breaks my heart. 

And I've opened up a couple of my Word docs to work on my writing. Don't know how far I'll get, but it feels good to stretch my fingers across the keyboard and let the characters come back to life.

So, tell me, how are you faring? You have all been covered in my prayers and will continue to be covered in them as we test the waters of reopening the country, our states, our cities...our lives. Be safe. Be healthy. Be kind.

Retrograde of Mercury

I don't know if you are a believer in Mercury Retrograde and the chaos that ensues and it really doesn't matter. I hold a half-hearted belief in it. I believe the universe and all it holds can conspire against us, but I also believe that beliefs can fuck up your world more than any other cosmic entity.
This all being said, let me say, I read that my past would come back to haunt me. A past that too often needs to stay buried.

In a matter of days, I had gotten a friend request from someone I never dreamed I'd hear from again. Not sure if this connection is a good thing or a bad thing. I was, then, messaged by my ex-husband who, as always, is up to no good and is hell-bent on attempting to ruin any relationships he can. He is not and will not be successful. After all, misery loves company and I refuse to wallow in the misery he stirs up. Shortly thereafter, an old friend showed up in my DM's. He wondered if he could stop in and say "hi." It was nice to see him...a friendly face from a time when I was a different person. Not sure he found the woman he was expecting, but it was nice to see him. Before the week was out, this friend's wife popped up in my DM's and our sisterhood was reignited. 

Our friendship has always been there, but life...it gets in the way. We've both been led to believe things we should have honestly checked out with the other. Now, our friendship has caught fire and I cannot begin to express the happiness she's brought back to my days. Conversations that lead to giggling like we are teenagers again. 

And I've been considering making a trip back to my hometown. I'm not sure why (okay, I want my damn cottage cheese and nut rolls!), but I'm feeling the need to return to my roots for a visit. I have no plans at the moment and I'm not sure if it will be a few days or a few hours. I'm just mulling things over in my mind. I do know that at some point I am going to get my toes back in the sand and water of Lake Michigan. 

Maybe I need to say a final goodbye to a chapter of my life that is truly closed. I know I've had to close (and lock) the door on a few people from my past. Other doors needed to be reopened and my past allowed to come back in to be part of my present and my future. 

I know I've been making a lot of changes in my life and becoming more of the woman I used to be. The one who could be a little reckless and free. The wild woman who danced barefoot in the wildflowers. The one who opened her heart with reckless abandon and loved with her whole heart. There are a few people in my life who are owed that. Including myself. I need to remember the girl I used to be because I really did like who she was. She was fun and usually up for anything. It's time to find her buried in the rubble of a failed marriage, the rabble of collapsed self-confidence, and let her back out to shine. 

Life isn't always easy and sure as hell is never fair, but I like to think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from the people to whom I've said "Farewell." And I can say with all sincerity I will never paint my future with the stiffened bristles of the brush used to paint my past...at least, I promise to try not to. 

It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise. 

Enough

What is enough? That is the question that is on my mind today. I've been cleaning and pondering, Netflixing and pondering, baking and pondering. What I have discovered is that I don't know.

A few years ago, someone sent me this:

And I still wonder what is enough. 

This word has been a big part of my world lately. "When will you be happy enough?" "What amount of money in the bank will be enough?" "How much love is enough to sustain you during the darkest hours?"

In the last phone conversation I had with my dad almost 7 years ago, he asked me, "Girl, have you been you loved enough?" I remember laughing and saying, "What is enough?"His reply was, "I don't know." I asked him if he had been loved enough. He thought for a moment or two before saying, "I think so."

Then, today, one of my Facebook memories was this one: 

As someone who has always been not smart enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not young/old enough, not demure enough, etc., I struggle. Every. Single. Day. The years of degradation run through my mind daily like songs on repeat. Some days, I can quiet the voices, but most days, I can't. I mean, how can I be enough when I don't know what the measurement of enough is? 

I guess "enough" is the amount I need to be content in this life. The anxiety-ridden overachiever that I am is pretty secure in saying that there will never be enough.

How about you? What is your definition of "enough"? I'm a curious person who has a mind that is way too active on her off days. I really would love to hear what your thoughts are.

Whatever your definition, I want to leave you with this: 

The End of An Era

It has been almost a week that I've had to survive without my best friend by my side.
On March 25th at 3:19am, I held my best friend's paw and felt his heart take its last beat. With the final beat, an era came to an end.

Diesel was the end of a long line of love. It began with Kodiak and when Diesel drew his last breath, the line of love ended. 

For the first time in almost 20 years, my house doesn't have a dog residing within its walls. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

There is no more "thump, thump" of his tail as I walk through the door. My bed stays completely made each day because there is no dog pulling my pillows to the center of the bed so he can lie on them. There is no one to eat half of my meals each day. There are no toenails sounding on the wooden floors. There is no jingle of his chain as he gets up to move around. There is no body interrupting my sleep so he can get as close as possible to me. There is no ungodly snoring to warm my heart. There is no massive paws demanding a scratch when I'm in the middle of another task. And I miss him with every beat of my heart.

He came into my life when he was 4 months old. After my Rottie passed away, I had sworn there wouldn't be any more additions to our pack. Then, 9 months later, Diesel came along. He was a spoiled Mama's boy from the start. I would hold him, rock him, sing to him, and treat him better than some children. Everything I did was for him. I got a job so I could afford to give him the life he deserved. I went to school every day because I needed a better job. He was the reason I got out of my bed every single day. He was what kept the depression and anxiety at bay. His goofy antics and his big wrinkly face could brighten up every single day.

My dear boy was the love of my life! I was so blessed to be his mom for his lifetime.  Rest easy, big guy! I loved you more than you could ever know and you blessed me the day you chose me to be your mom. There was NEVER a day that I regretted anything I did for you. You were the best thing in my life and I cannot tell you that enough!

I used to sing this song to Diesel all the time. The morning he passed away, I was blessed enough to sing this to him one final time.

With all the love in my heart, I miss you, my darling boy! Fly high. Run free. Tell Daddy I miss him, too. I'll see when I reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Diesel: 2008-2019

Taking a Backroad

photo by Bill Wakely

I think I've established over the years of writing this blog that I am a country girl. A farmer's daughter who just wants to return to the life of serenity.

I've been reflecting on this last year and the journey that has led me to the place I find myself. I feel like I'm so far off the main road in this journey that I may never return to it. However, someone said something that smacked me over the head. Bear with me for a minute here, okay? 

What if I'm supposed to be off the main road? What if I am supposed to be cruising the backroads of life with the windows down and the music up? Isn't that where most of the fun happens?

I have a lot of memories of getting in the car and simply driving with the windows down and the music up. My parents were always ones to do this when I was younger. As I reached my teen years, my best friend/sister of my heart and I spent many hours and more tanks of gas than I can count, driving on the backroads. Those were always times of laughter, singing with the radio, and the best conversations! Even as I've begun my life over again (more times than I can count), this is still one of my favorite things to do...drive the backroads.

It is the backroads where you find the neatest places. Fruit and veggie stands run by old men with a million and one stories to share, little Mom and Pop shops with unique items, diners with regulars who give directions by telling you to "turn left at the Hopkin's farm, go past the gnarled maple that was struck by lightning, then head east past the old apple orchard." The backroads are where all the interesting characters enter your life. And sometimes these characters are merely a butterfly wing's brush over your life. However, on occasion, one of these characters may set up shop and become a big part of your life.

So, I'm beginning to think that is what I'm doing on this life's journey at the moment. I've got the windows down and the music up, driving as slow as I can, savoring the smells, the peace, and the characters who show up to enhance my life. Learning to live, laugh, and love as I go. Maybe, just maybe, that backroad will lead me back to the girl I used to be.

Highlight Reels

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My insecurities and black moods have been bad. I've spent time meditating and getting away from technology. I've even turned off my phone.

I know what you're thinking...if you're depressed, is shutting out the entire world the answer? For me, it is. See, I, like a lot of people, compare my life to everyone else's. This friend has an amazing family life. This friend is having a great time with friends and family. Another friend got a wonderful job promotion. Yet another one bought a beautiful new home. Another is on a vacation with the love of their life. I'm looking at everyone's highlight reels.

Life is made up of all kinds of moments, but we tend to only share the great ones with our online friends. They don't see our struggles, our loneliness, our arguments, or our sacrifices. We don't get to see everyone's blooper reel or behind the scenes moments. 

I'm guilty of the same things. I made the Dean's List, but what you don't know is how hard I've struggled to get there. You don't know that this is the first semester that I haven't been on academic probation since transferring to this school. I got a promotion at work, but you don't see how much I despise going to this job every day or the fact that I often cry when I come home from this job. I post a bunch of things about keeping your faith strong, yet my faith falters constantly. I am not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. 

As proud of myself as I am, I compare my life to everyone else's. I'm not proud that I do that, but I do. No one has walked the same path that I have nor have I walked theirs. They don't know the struggles I've faced nor do they know mine.

I guess my words of advice are these: When I say "Be humble and kind," I don't mean you should be that to only others. Be humble and kind to yourself as well. Not everyone's life is made up of perfect moments. Don't compare your life to theirs. Your journey is your journey. Their journey is theirs. No two lives are the same. No two struggles are the same. Be proud of your life and what has led you to the place you're in. Stand proud! Stand strong! The bad times don't last forever, but neither to the good ones. Life is about learning moments. So, what will you learn from yours?

Changing Your Stars

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately. Mainly about who I am, where I've come from, what it took to get me to this point, that sort of thing.

It was never expected that I would go to college. Financially, it just wasn't possible. My grades were never good enough and, to be honest, I don't think anyone ever expected me to dream bigger. My cousin went to a tech college to get a degree, but he never did anything with it because he made better money at a job that didn't require a degree. 

I remember being in high school and my guidance counselor asked what I wanted to do after high school. I remember saying I wanted to be a nanny. I wasn't thinking too far ahead. I knew I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I never dreamed too far beyond that. I didn't have the traditional 5-year plan, let alone 10-year plan.

When I stepped onto the campus of the 4-year college I currently attend, this is exactly how I felt.

I didn't fit! I felt as if I were being judged by all these people who didn't have a clue about me. And I certainly thought they could tell how old I was by merely looking at me. I felt like I was too old to be in these classes. I felt too stupid! After all, why shouldn't I be able to work 40 hours a week, go to classes full-time, study, AND pass with amazing grades? I set myself up for complete and utter failure! And I felt completely alone in this world, which certainly didn't help me.

The worse I did in my classes, the more depressed I became. And the cycle was vicious! I had to work to pay my bills, but I needed to study to pass my classes. I didn't know how to balance it all! I lost my way and wandered along my Life's path, disoriented, depressed, and failing at everything.

I knew I was meant for more. My heart told me I was meant for more. And my mind needed more stimulation than I was getting at my job. That meant I HAD to stay in school. But I HAD to follow my heart, my passion, and tune out those who had no stake in my future.

"A Knight's Tale" is one of my favorite movies (if you can't tell) and this line has been my mantra for a long time. I just didn't realize it's significance until recently.

If you know anything about sailors, they always used the stars to direct them on their journeys. Stars showed them directions and the constellations, depending on the seasons. Stars showed them where they were and if they were headed in the right direction.

I was set on the road to being a wife and mother, but I was unhappy! I longed for more. I craved more. I needed to change my stars. I had stopped looking up to find my spot on my journey. When I finally stopped for a moment and took a glance at the sky, I realized I had lost my guiding star. So, I had to take a step back and study the stars and their alignments. It took me some time, but I trust my ship is moving in the right direction, following the northern-most star, and heading to the most fabulous destination I can imagine.

I Am Where I Am Meant to Be...

For years, I have carried this quote with me. It has been my mantra whenever I've found myself questioning my life.

Looking at my life, I had plans. By this age, I had intended to have children who I would be seeing off to college, attending weddings, big family holidays. I was going to be married and planning our retirement. I would be half owner of a house, driving a better vehicle than I am, and life would have come together.

Instead, I am renting my home. I'm the one in college working on my bachelor's, not my children. No weddings are being planned. Holidays are a bit more subdued than I imagined they would be.

It is as if I have just beginning to find myself at this age. I'm learning new ways to cook and enjoying new foods. I'm elevating my heat levels in my cooking and loving every bit of it. I'm dipping my toes back into the waters of literature that I have always loved. I am falling back in love with Chaucer and Hemingway. I walk across campus and sit in classes with kids. I'm learning from them and forming friendships with them. I won't go bar hopping or partying with them, but to sit and share ideas, I am all for that.

At this age, I expected I would be settled and content with my life. Instead, I am loving my life! Hell, I'm living my life!

I had these big plans for where I was going and how I would get there and who would be on this journey with me. However, as I have been told by my mother recently, God has other plans.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

We are two days out from the new year and I'm sitting at my laptop in sheer disbelief. This year has flown by. I've been doing a bit of looking back over the last year and counting my blessings. 

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned that I've got ambition and courage. I've stood up for myself and found the drive for success that I wondered if it ever existed. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and made friends. I made myself a priority in my own life. And you know what? It made a huge difference. I focused on healthier eating, taking my vitamins on a regular basis, drinking more water, studied my ass off, and took the time to make a difference in my own life. I tried some different recipes and am pretty proud of myself. I eat a lot more veggies. (Pinterest has decided that I'm Asian because of the Asian recipes I have pinned.) I have made an effort to purchase clothing that flatters me and my body.

I've always been one to put others first. As a lifetime caregiver, I'm so used to putting others health and wellbeing above my own. But I found myself worn out and run down. I was mentally destroyed, emotionally broken, and physically torn apart at the seams. I had been so focused on everyone else in my life...their needs, their wants, their desires...that I neglected myself for far too long. 

2018 is my year! It will be the year I continue my journey toward self-care and making myself a priority. It means focusing on my education and my health. It means making changes that some people may not like, but they will have to get over it. I've spent too long listening to people who didn't have my best interests at heart. If you're going to be part of my life, you've got to understand my need to make my decisions for my own life and happiness. I'm trying to be the best possible me I can be...more me!

To those who have cheated on me, to those who have left me, to those who have hurt me, to those who didn't believe in me, to those who broke my heart, I say "Thank you!" Because of you, I've learned who I am, found my independence, took back my voice, and discovered my self-worth.

I wish you all a safe and happy New Year's Eve! May 2018 bring you more blessings than your life can hold!

The Season of Giving...

“What can I give him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd,

I would bring a lamb;

If I were a wise man,

I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give him—

Give my heart.” 

-Christina G. Rossetti

I come from a family of givers. I was taught to give to others from a very early age. It was seldom monetary since money was never in excess. Instead my parents gave in other ways. My dad would plow driveways for neighbors. Mom would bake or volunteer at church. It was them giving of themselves.

The above poem was read today and it touched my heart profoundly. 

I've been worried that I'm not giving enough of myself to others. Especially during this time of year. Money is still at a minimum, but so is my time these days. But I took some time to be thankful for the blessings I do have. That's when I noticed some things. 

I'm always baking or cooking. I have to eat just like everyone else. Making a plate to share with a neighbor or putting a plate of goodies together for someone who lives alone doesn't truly cost me anything. Of course, neither does the smile I share with someone as I pass by them in the store or on campus. Dropping a quick line to let someone far away know they are on my heart takes only a minute or two (and those I can spare on occasion). Picking up the tab on the cup of coffee for a fellow student costs me a minimal amount, but the spirit of giving it forward sometimes moves through an entire day.

It's not about how much money you give to certain charities. It's about being kind to your fellow man. We so often hear how money is misspent and only falls on the wallets of CEOs of charities, so why not skip the middle man when possible? Ask the elderly neighbor if there's something you can pick up for them at the store. Shovel someone's sidewalk. Share a smile. Buy someone a cup of coffee. Being kind doesn't cost you a thing. And you might be surprised at the gifts you get in return.