A Little Something I Wrote

The other day this piece popped into my head. I could literally see the story playing out. This hasn't happened in a while which told me that this was an important piece to write. 

I shared it with a friend who called in "heartbreaking" and that's exactly the thing. My heart was breaking and I needed to write the pain out. 

I thought I'd share it with you.

The Slow Death

Plain as she can be, she never dreamed she’d be here. In this place. In this time. Staring down the barrel of several loaded guns. Caught in the crosshairs. Waiting for the one willing to pull the trigger.

Her deer eyes blink slowly, but she is frozen. Too scared to move. Too scared to stay where she is. Her body trembles as she feels the weight of the scopes, scanning the best place to plant the bullet that could lead to her demise.

Her only path is dark and overgrown with underbrush. She could hide well, but there are even scarier things waiting for her there. Creatures with sharpened teeth and razor-like claws who wish to rip her tender flesh from her body are concealed from the light of the day.

Her body shudders slightly, visible only to those closest to her. She slowly turns, allowing her body to block others who stand as terrified as she.  She bares her neck to the ones holding the guns. The ones who would kill her with one shot. She is willing to lie bleeding out on the forest floor to protect those who aren’t as willing to die as is she.

She hears the soft sighs of the hunters as she waits for the bullet to pierce her flesh. She turns slowly to look at the hunters…one at a time. She nickers softly, encouraging the others to flee and not return for her. She is willing to meet her fate. After all, no one will miss her. She is nothing to them. Just another trophy for their wall and meals for their families.

She hears a man call something. With a deep breath, her long lashed eyes close. She hears men’s laughter as she opens her eyes to find the darkest haired of the men making his way toward her, his hand outstretched, reaching to run his fingers over her trembling body. He speaks in such a low and calming manner as he strokes his hands over her. She feels her body leaning into him, begging him for more. The one wild creature in the forest that aches for the touch of man. The touch of THIS man.

His friends are teasing him as he slowly runs his long fingers of her. He smiles and her heart melts. Today she will not die in the way she anticipated. Instead she will die because this man will merely carry her heart with him as he walks away. And he will walk away. They all walk away. She is a wild creature not meant to be loved in any capacity. She is merely for men’s entertainment and amusement. She is not meant to have forever. She is only meant for the here and now.

The man coaxes her to follow him and the wild in her heart aches to be free. He does not understand that wild things aren’t made to be domesticated simply because they’re terrified of having their spirits broken.

Again, he whispers murmurs of love. Her heart races because there is nothing she wants more than to be loved by this man. However, he like the others will hurt her. He’s a man. He doesn’t know any other way to be. But, god, this man. This man she wants to love more than the others before him. He teases her to follow him towards the edge of the clearing.

His friends continue to tease and laugh. In her heart, she knows they’re laughing at her stupidity and willingness to give herself over to him for one more stroke of his hands over her. She tried to tune them out and just enjoy the moment. The man then laughs and shoos at her. “Stupid woman! Did you really think I’d love you?”

She feels her heart shatter into a millions pieces and tears fall from her big doe-like eyes. The droplets cling to her lashes as she looks at him, her wounded heart glistening in her eyes. She slowly turns to walk into the dense underbrush, praying to be devoured by the dark creatures with fangs and claws. It would be so much easier than the slow death of falling in love.

-GKM-6192020

Holding Space

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend. Things have been going fairly well, but there are things that are weighing on my heart. This world and the situation we find ourselves in isn't helping.

My friend told me to "Just sit in this situation for now. Get your balance. Build that foundation." And that was just the advice I needed.

My life isn't in a bad place. I'm financially doing just fine. I've got a few things on my plate, but nothing I can't handle. However, I need to deal with what's there before adding anything more. This means I need to hold space for myself for a little bit.

I'm working on letting go of things and people who no longer allow me to live my best life. I'm trying to release the past and live where I am. I'm finding the things I'm passionate about and letting them be what I focus on when my anxieties are riding high. Most of all, I'm learning to dream again. 

I wish I could explain to you how good that feels. I had given up on so many things lately. Instead of thriving where I was planted, I was surviving and only just. However, lately, I've been doing things I would never dream of doing before. I've signed up for a project that will take me so far out of my comfort zone that I can't see how I will return from it unchanged. I'm beginning to see the direction I want to steer this ship of mine. 

But for now, I'm allowing the waves to lap at my hull as I sit in the safe harbor where I'm anchored. And I'm holding space...for myself for a change. 

I'm so used to holding space for other people. So often, I just let my problems and my shit be pushed down so I can help those I love most. But if I have learned anything from this journey, I've learned that I cannot give from an empty cup. I cannot nourish you while starving myself. 

So, for now, I'm working on things that make me happy. (Including a new blog called "What Makes You Beautiful-Going Beyond the Looking Glass" It's a blog about finding your beauty at any age.) I'm allowing the dreams to come and who knows where I'll end up. I just hope you all stick around for the crazy journey!

Retrograde of Mercury

I don't know if you are a believer in Mercury Retrograde and the chaos that ensues and it really doesn't matter. I hold a half-hearted belief in it. I believe the universe and all it holds can conspire against us, but I also believe that beliefs can fuck up your world more than any other cosmic entity.
This all being said, let me say, I read that my past would come back to haunt me. A past that too often needs to stay buried.

In a matter of days, I had gotten a friend request from someone I never dreamed I'd hear from again. Not sure if this connection is a good thing or a bad thing. I was, then, messaged by my ex-husband who, as always, is up to no good and is hell-bent on attempting to ruin any relationships he can. He is not and will not be successful. After all, misery loves company and I refuse to wallow in the misery he stirs up. Shortly thereafter, an old friend showed up in my DM's. He wondered if he could stop in and say "hi." It was nice to see him...a friendly face from a time when I was a different person. Not sure he found the woman he was expecting, but it was nice to see him. Before the week was out, this friend's wife popped up in my DM's and our sisterhood was reignited. 

Our friendship has always been there, but life...it gets in the way. We've both been led to believe things we should have honestly checked out with the other. Now, our friendship has caught fire and I cannot begin to express the happiness she's brought back to my days. Conversations that lead to giggling like we are teenagers again. 

And I've been considering making a trip back to my hometown. I'm not sure why (okay, I want my damn cottage cheese and nut rolls!), but I'm feeling the need to return to my roots for a visit. I have no plans at the moment and I'm not sure if it will be a few days or a few hours. I'm just mulling things over in my mind. I do know that at some point I am going to get my toes back in the sand and water of Lake Michigan. 

Maybe I need to say a final goodbye to a chapter of my life that is truly closed. I know I've had to close (and lock) the door on a few people from my past. Other doors needed to be reopened and my past allowed to come back in to be part of my present and my future. 

I know I've been making a lot of changes in my life and becoming more of the woman I used to be. The one who could be a little reckless and free. The wild woman who danced barefoot in the wildflowers. The one who opened her heart with reckless abandon and loved with her whole heart. There are a few people in my life who are owed that. Including myself. I need to remember the girl I used to be because I really did like who she was. She was fun and usually up for anything. It's time to find her buried in the rubble of a failed marriage, the rabble of collapsed self-confidence, and let her back out to shine. 

Life isn't always easy and sure as hell is never fair, but I like to think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from the people to whom I've said "Farewell." And I can say with all sincerity I will never paint my future with the stiffened bristles of the brush used to paint my past...at least, I promise to try not to. 

Caring for Myself

Let's face it, 2018 was a bitch! If it could go wrong, it did. And I think December was the culmination of a perfect storm. It all came to a head and it wasn't pretty. Health issues arose. Family stuff blew out of proportion. My dog got sick and scared the crap out of me. My job was taking over my life. I was ready to throw in the towel. 

Before the beginning of 2019, I was giving some in-depth thoughts to my life, my goals, and my dreams. I began to focus on the important things and noticed that I was not one of them. I wasn't practicing self-care in any way, shape, or form. So, I knew it was time to make a few changes.

I began to look at my life as if it were a bulletin board. One of those corky things, overstuffed with papers. For the last few years, I've just been thumbtacking things to the board and ignoring them. Book ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, ambitions...they all were piled on top of each other. 

When I decided it was time to make a change, I began to clean off the "bulletin board". Like saved yellowed receipts and newspaper clippings, photographs, souvenirs from trips, recipes, phone numbers, etc., each piece was removed one by one and examined. I began to throw away things that were no longer of use. I put the photos in a box. The recipes got tucked into my recipe book. I cleaned up my social media. I deleted apps that I no longer use. I got rid of contacts that I  no longer have contact with. I organized all of my book notes.

Once the bulletin board was cleaned off, I took a look at the blank space. I made the decision to only put the things of great importance on that board. I put a pin in the friendships that I knew would understand I needed some time to get my life together. 

I realized that I had been neglecting myself for so long. It was time to get my goals put back on track. I found a way to accomplish some things that I have had on my to-do list for a long time. I had ignored them and pushed them aside for others. 

I have started to take time for myself, too. Long hot showers with relaxing soaps, mani/pedi days, coloring my hair when it is needed, napping, relaxing, and turning off social media. I also began to appreciate the blessings that I had been given. My job isn't the center of my universe these days. When I'm home, I'm fully committed to being in the moment. Whether I am writing, cleaning, or simply hanging out, I'm present for everyone and everything. I am beginning to love my life again. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is almost nil. I'm in such an amazing place.

Some days it means I simply sit down and enjoy the quiet while drinking a cup of coffee, but damn! It feels good to put myself first for a change. After all...

Today, We Play

I realized this week that I haven't taken much time to play. And by play, I mean, not focus on homework. I've been working my butt off to make sure I'm on top of it all, but I feel like I'm falling further behind. So, I did the obvious thing today...I put the homework aside and I played.

I didn't "play" like you'd think. Instead, I took some time for me! I gave myself permission to not focus on homework, school, or anything to do with that. I allowed myself to be me!

Which means I ate whatever made me happy. It wasn't about convenience or what could be made in a hurry. I just ate what I was hungry for. Then, I turned on Netflix and got lost in seasons of Parenthood. I made chili, homemade bread, and pumpkin muffins. I cleaned up things that I haven't paid much attention to lately. I painted my nails. I listened to some new music that I've discovered. I allowed myself to not sweat it!

When I gave myself permission to open my American history book, I had clearer eyes. I took my quiz and aced it! I'm not sure whether I want to tackle my arch nemesis, College Algebra, or let it lie for tonight. I'm thinking I may let it lie. A hot shower, a bowl of chili and fresh bread, a glass of apple pie wine, and a snuggle with Diesel may be how I spend the rest of my night. 

So, while I decompress from the world and all the pressure I put on myself, tell me...how to do put it all away and take care of you?

Be Still

For the last few days, I've felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. My characters quit talking to me!!! I was certain that I'm finished as an author. Sure that I would never write another word again. 
Last night, I actually put my fears to words. Tears filled my eyes because I LOVE what I do! My heart beats for the worlds I have created. I put my earbuds in and simply listened...okay, I may have danced a little bit, too, but I allowed myself to be free.
This morning, I walked the dogs and took a look around at the world around me. The vivid colors seemed to beckon for their pictures to be taken. I put the dogs back inside, carried a bottle of water, my camera, and my homemade bug repellent outside, then parked my butt on the picnic table. I took the time to be still.

Want to know what I noticed? The breeze was blowing through the trees and the sun-warmed cedars scented the air. I heard the birds playing in the leaves. For an hour, I sat there and watched a butterfly fluttered from dandelion to dandelion. I listened to the coyote pups yip in their den behind our house. Dragonfly babies landed on the picnic table beside me. I was simply still.

Deep down inside, I'm still that farmer's daughter. I love the smell of the earth and fresh cut grass. I love going barefoot. The grass tickles my toes and I feel like a kid again. I love the sounds of the earth as it comes to life.

In between the vehicles passing my house, I could hear the water across the street. There is something about the water that manages to soothe me. My muse showed up and do you know what the lovely Sebastian told me? "Get out of your own way, babe!" I laughed because I know it's true. If I can just step aside and stop trying to control everything with such a tight rein, the voices speak to me. Maybe it's fear of spinning out of control, but I have a hard time letting go. 

Today's lesson is over. I'm learning to let go and be still. I can't control the ebb and flow of the lake anymore than I can stop time.