Retrograde of Mercury

I don't know if you are a believer in Mercury Retrograde and the chaos that ensues and it really doesn't matter. I hold a half-hearted belief in it. I believe the universe and all it holds can conspire against us, but I also believe that beliefs can fuck up your world more than any other cosmic entity.
This all being said, let me say, I read that my past would come back to haunt me. A past that too often needs to stay buried.

In a matter of days, I had gotten a friend request from someone I never dreamed I'd hear from again. Not sure if this connection is a good thing or a bad thing. I was, then, messaged by my ex-husband who, as always, is up to no good and is hell-bent on attempting to ruin any relationships he can. He is not and will not be successful. After all, misery loves company and I refuse to wallow in the misery he stirs up. Shortly thereafter, an old friend showed up in my DM's. He wondered if he could stop in and say "hi." It was nice to see him...a friendly face from a time when I was a different person. Not sure he found the woman he was expecting, but it was nice to see him. Before the week was out, this friend's wife popped up in my DM's and our sisterhood was reignited. 

Our friendship has always been there, but life...it gets in the way. We've both been led to believe things we should have honestly checked out with the other. Now, our friendship has caught fire and I cannot begin to express the happiness she's brought back to my days. Conversations that lead to giggling like we are teenagers again. 

And I've been considering making a trip back to my hometown. I'm not sure why (okay, I want my damn cottage cheese and nut rolls!), but I'm feeling the need to return to my roots for a visit. I have no plans at the moment and I'm not sure if it will be a few days or a few hours. I'm just mulling things over in my mind. I do know that at some point I am going to get my toes back in the sand and water of Lake Michigan. 

Maybe I need to say a final goodbye to a chapter of my life that is truly closed. I know I've had to close (and lock) the door on a few people from my past. Other doors needed to be reopened and my past allowed to come back in to be part of my present and my future. 

I know I've been making a lot of changes in my life and becoming more of the woman I used to be. The one who could be a little reckless and free. The wild woman who danced barefoot in the wildflowers. The one who opened her heart with reckless abandon and loved with her whole heart. There are a few people in my life who are owed that. Including myself. I need to remember the girl I used to be because I really did like who she was. She was fun and usually up for anything. It's time to find her buried in the rubble of a failed marriage, the rabble of collapsed self-confidence, and let her back out to shine. 

Life isn't always easy and sure as hell is never fair, but I like to think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from the people to whom I've said "Farewell." And I can say with all sincerity I will never paint my future with the stiffened bristles of the brush used to paint my past...at least, I promise to try not to. 

"Begin as You Mean to Go On"

I remember hearing those words a lot as I grew up. "Begin as you mean to go on." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of these words, but I've carried them with me for a lifetime. However, I don't always put them to use. This week, I did.

I started this new year, making myself promises. Promises to cut out the bad. Promises to love myself more. Promises to allow the good to flood my life. Promises to move with love, confidence, and respect in my daily life. Promises to allow myself to be free of the toxic behaviors of others. Promises to let love move me.

See, I've been working for the last two and a half years doing a job that I actually had liked. It wasn't going to be my career, but I didn't abhor it. It had become an abusive relationship and I finally had enough. After leaving work early due to some abusive behaviors and crying after I got home, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to begin as I mean to go on and that meant cutting the toxicity from my life. So, I quit. I walked out. I quit the job that guaranteed my independence and allowed me to rely on no one. With spring semester starting soon, I took a deep breath and leaped with faith.

A very charismatic man once told me "You and me are in this together. I'll hold your hand and we'll make it through." I asked him "What happens if we get to the edge of the cliff? Then what?" He just smiled and said "Then, we jump, but we jump together." It's all about taking a leap of faith!

Two years ago, I took a leap of faith when I quit the job I had in order to take this job. This job promised to be more, pay more, and would easily work around my schedule. Then, it stopped working. So, I took that leap the other day. I'm believing that something better is waiting for me. I'm praying that the universe and all that it holds will provide for me the things I need in order to live the life that I have.

I'm trying to actually follow the advice given to me as a kid. I'm beginning this year as I mean to go on...with peace, love, self-respect, self-confidence, and by cutting out the toxic people who drain me of any of those things.

So, I have made myself some comfort food, made new covers for the re-release of the books, and I've actually been writing. I'm practicing a bit of self-care and focusing on what matters. My intention is to live this life by my rules and doing things my way. After all, my mom told me that the day I was born, she was pretty sure that I had intended to live this life by no one else's rules. I began as I meant to go on...