Caring for Myself

Let's face it, 2018 was a bitch! If it could go wrong, it did. And I think December was the culmination of a perfect storm. It all came to a head and it wasn't pretty. Health issues arose. Family stuff blew out of proportion. My dog got sick and scared the crap out of me. My job was taking over my life. I was ready to throw in the towel. 

Before the beginning of 2019, I was giving some in-depth thoughts to my life, my goals, and my dreams. I began to focus on the important things and noticed that I was not one of them. I wasn't practicing self-care in any way, shape, or form. So, I knew it was time to make a few changes.

I began to look at my life as if it were a bulletin board. One of those corky things, overstuffed with papers. For the last few years, I've just been thumbtacking things to the board and ignoring them. Book ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, ambitions...they all were piled on top of each other. 

When I decided it was time to make a change, I began to clean off the "bulletin board". Like saved yellowed receipts and newspaper clippings, photographs, souvenirs from trips, recipes, phone numbers, etc., each piece was removed one by one and examined. I began to throw away things that were no longer of use. I put the photos in a box. The recipes got tucked into my recipe book. I cleaned up my social media. I deleted apps that I no longer use. I got rid of contacts that I  no longer have contact with. I organized all of my book notes.

Once the bulletin board was cleaned off, I took a look at the blank space. I made the decision to only put the things of great importance on that board. I put a pin in the friendships that I knew would understand I needed some time to get my life together. 

I realized that I had been neglecting myself for so long. It was time to get my goals put back on track. I found a way to accomplish some things that I have had on my to-do list for a long time. I had ignored them and pushed them aside for others. 

I have started to take time for myself, too. Long hot showers with relaxing soaps, mani/pedi days, coloring my hair when it is needed, napping, relaxing, and turning off social media. I also began to appreciate the blessings that I had been given. My job isn't the center of my universe these days. When I'm home, I'm fully committed to being in the moment. Whether I am writing, cleaning, or simply hanging out, I'm present for everyone and everything. I am beginning to love my life again. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is almost nil. I'm in such an amazing place.

Some days it means I simply sit down and enjoy the quiet while drinking a cup of coffee, but damn! It feels good to put myself first for a change. After all...

"Begin as You Mean to Go On"

I remember hearing those words a lot as I grew up. "Begin as you mean to go on." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of these words, but I've carried them with me for a lifetime. However, I don't always put them to use. This week, I did.

I started this new year, making myself promises. Promises to cut out the bad. Promises to love myself more. Promises to allow the good to flood my life. Promises to move with love, confidence, and respect in my daily life. Promises to allow myself to be free of the toxic behaviors of others. Promises to let love move me.

See, I've been working for the last two and a half years doing a job that I actually had liked. It wasn't going to be my career, but I didn't abhor it. It had become an abusive relationship and I finally had enough. After leaving work early due to some abusive behaviors and crying after I got home, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to begin as I mean to go on and that meant cutting the toxicity from my life. So, I quit. I walked out. I quit the job that guaranteed my independence and allowed me to rely on no one. With spring semester starting soon, I took a deep breath and leaped with faith.

A very charismatic man once told me "You and me are in this together. I'll hold your hand and we'll make it through." I asked him "What happens if we get to the edge of the cliff? Then what?" He just smiled and said "Then, we jump, but we jump together." It's all about taking a leap of faith!

Two years ago, I took a leap of faith when I quit the job I had in order to take this job. This job promised to be more, pay more, and would easily work around my schedule. Then, it stopped working. So, I took that leap the other day. I'm believing that something better is waiting for me. I'm praying that the universe and all that it holds will provide for me the things I need in order to live the life that I have.

I'm trying to actually follow the advice given to me as a kid. I'm beginning this year as I mean to go on...with peace, love, self-respect, self-confidence, and by cutting out the toxic people who drain me of any of those things.

So, I have made myself some comfort food, made new covers for the re-release of the books, and I've actually been writing. I'm practicing a bit of self-care and focusing on what matters. My intention is to live this life by my rules and doing things my way. After all, my mom told me that the day I was born, she was pretty sure that I had intended to live this life by no one else's rules. I began as I meant to go on...