Sunday, March 22, 2015

Plot Twist...or Not

We've all seen the meme that says "When something goes wrong in your life, yell "Plot Twist" and move on." But what do you do when everything goes wrong? Cry "Do over"?

So many times, I've thought I've had this life figured out. Then one thing happens to change the path. The last couple of times this has happened, my world fell apart simply because too many things changed. This is how the last month or so has been. I'm trying to rebuild some semblance of a life, but the struggle makes me question "Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?"

Last week, I applied for a job. Ten minutes after submitting my online application, I got a phone call from the company asking for an interview. (Good sign) I went for the interview and got lost. Ended up over 5 miles away from where I needed to be, still made it to interview with 1 minute to spare. (Good sign). The interview went well. They called me the next day and offered me a job. (Very good sign). They're willing to work around my class schedule. (Even better sign).

I had a horrible cough on Tuesday and wasn't feeling well. (Bad sign) I skipped two of my three classes. Ended up missing the rest of the week and staying in bed/couch/chair, hacking up a lung or two. Feeling miserable still, but on the mend. I've been told that the events of the last month have finally caught up to me. This is the universe's way of telling me to take some time to heal my body. It could be. I just wonder, you know?

Now, I'm looking for a different place to live. What am I discovering? I can't find anything that I can afford that will allow my miniature horse of a dog.(Bad sign) You know? The one male who has been there consistently for the last six years? The one who loves me no matter what?, I'm stuck in this house with the upstairs neighbors from hell. Which means I need to lawn mower and a rake so I can take care of the lawn like I'm supposed to.

I'm supposed to state my desires to the universe with intention every day so here's the biggest one: I want romance! I want to know what happiness and love feels like! I want a man who loves me as much as I love him. I want to hold hands. I want to kiss until neither of us can catch our breath. I want to know what it is like to be so thoroughly loved that I forget my own name. I want flowers for no reason except "I saw these and thought of you." I want to share a bottle of wine with someone who is going to celebrate my successes and let me cry at my failures. He will know the three spots on my body to make my toes curl. And when he shows up, I will know I want to take that walk down the aisle and know that the man at the end of it intends to love me for the rest of our lives. I never said it would be easy, but I do know that I am worth it!

Friday, March 6, 2015

A Patchwork Heart

I spent my teen years growing up in the Mennonite church. Every fall, we would go to Goshen, Indiana for this quilt festival. These women worked so hard on these amazing quilts which they put up for auction to help with the Mennonite missionary support. I remember walking through the display areas and looking in awe at this incredible pieces of art.
My favorites were the ones where no piece was the same size or the same color. The pieces didn't necessarily match, but they were no less beautiful than the ones with precise designs. In fact, I often would look at the "non-conforming" ones and think that they were so much more beautiful. For me, each piece of fabric told a tale. Someone had a baby and that material was left over from their first outfit. Another piece may have come from an old apron. Another from a suit some young man had outgrown. You see what I mean? The story is the best part for me.
The other day I came across a quote that talked about how when you love someone/something, you give them your whole heart. When they return it to you, they keep a piece of your heart. They, in turn, give you a piece of theirs. This exquisite image came into my mind of a patchwork heart. Each piece stitched together with memories, pain, love, suffering, and sorrow, but each mark is unique.
This made me begin to take a look at my own heart. In my mind, it is made up of flannel (my Poppa), some lace and buttons (my mom), an old Army uniform (my dad), a polka-dotted shirt (my Grandma), bits of fur (for my furkids), and these are pieced together with little bits of fabric from those who have brushed across my life. Whether I have loved you for a minute or a lifetime, you have taken a piece of my heart. To a few, I have given it willingly. To others, you took it when I least expected it. But I can't get it back. If I have given you my whole heart, I've gotten it back a bit torn, tattered, bruised and broken, but I'm sure your heart was returned to you the same way. But there is always a piece missing that has been replaced with a piece of yours. I'm beginning to wonder if there is any original fabric left on this heart of mine. I've had to stitch up the pieces as I've gone through life and I'm sure I'll have to repair it more as I go.

What is beautiful to me is that when I look at my heart, I know I have been loved by many in this lifetime. Each piece is unique and special, just like me. If I hadn't been loved by the souls I have been loved by, my heart would look vastly different than it does now. And the thought of that makes me sad because I think my patchwork heart is beautiful. It is made of love. It has known heartache, loss, heartbreak, hardships, love, trust, happiness, joy, and has been loved in return.

So tell you have a patchwork heart?

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

There is Something About a Man...

When I was going through the break-up of my marriage, my best friend looked at me one day and said, "Next time, you should try women." I laughed at him and said, "Nah, I like men. They have all the proper appendages." He rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, but you can BUY those." I remember sitting there laughing at him simply because he didn't get it. He told me, "Women are soft and squishy. They always smell good. They are smooth. Men are hairy and nasty.They get sweaty and stinky." I may have made a noise along the lines of "Mmmmmm...." to which he just shook his head.

Let me describe my best friend...He's 6 ft. 4 inches with dark brown hair and melted chocolate brown eyes. He's furry, big, and very teddy bear-like. When we first met, there was no facial hair. Then, he grew this beard that, well, let's just say, I like...A LOT!!! His family makes fun of it, but I find it about as sexy as anything. Then, there's his voice... Anyway, you get the point! This man is all sorts of sexy!

In the midst of the above conversation, he turned those heavily lashed brown eyes on me and said, "If I were a woman, I would totally be a lesbian." I snickered and tried to tell him what I love about men. There are so many things that make men the number one choice for me.

1. Their strength- Knowing he can hurt me, but won't is a huge turn on for me. So often I find myself needing someone to lean on when life gets to be too much and I always turn to my guy friends.

2. The way they feel- I'm not a woman who likes a guy with abs of steel. I want a guy with a bit of a belly. It's more comfortable to lay my head on when we are snuggling on the couch.

3. Their fur- There is just something about running my hands over a guy's fur that makes me go all weak in the knees. The contrast between my smoothness and his fur makes the womanly side of me become more defined.

4. Their smell- I don't mean their cologne, though that is nice, too. I mean their natural smell. I don't know how many times I've heard "I don't want to hug you because I've been sweating and I stink." Seriously? HUG ME!!! I love the smell of sweat on a man's skin. I don't mean the nasty, stinky sweat, but the sweat of an honest day's work is a good thing.

5. Whiskers, oh gods, the whiskers- This should be classified under fur, but I can't. Beards, mustaches, goatees...oh gods, I am a sucker for facial hair. The five o'clock shadow thing is nice, but a full on beard rubbing against your soft skin? Oh yeah, baby!

6. Their arms and hands- For the most part, men have these hands that are made to hold women, ya know? They are big and strong. They can hold a woman in her weakest moment and treat her gently. There is power in those hands. There is nothing (for me) like a man wrapping his arms around me, pulling me against him, and stroking my hair while I cry. See I used to be a "jeans and t-shirt" kind of woman, still am to a point, but there is just something about the way a man rocks a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms...sigh... Seeing a man dressed up and ready to head out makes me glad to be a woman.

7. Their brains- I know a few women are saying "Wait a minute! Do men have those?" Yes, they do and they are remarkably brilliant...for the most part. There are some men who still sit around and laugh at fart jokes or any other crude behavior, but the men I'm talking about are brilliant. They have these minds that see things that women overlook. We may think they are being lazy, but in all sincerity, they are just taking their time.

8. Their eyes- Their eyes, if you've got a good one, sees you...the real you! The you they fell in love with. They see the beautiful woman you are and the reason they fell in love with you. If you've got an incredible man, he will even tell you how beautiful you are and how sexy you are. In your eyes, you may miss those things, but to a man...mmmmm...he sees it.

9. Their voices- Oh wow, the timbre of a man's voice is enough to push me over the edge of ecstasy. And it isn't just the voice itself. It's the words they say and the way they say them. Whether it is said in a whisper or at a normal tone, the words they say aren't always pretty, but they say them from their hearts.

10. Their hearts- They pretend to be all rough and tough, but inside, most men are smooshy, squishy tubs of marshmallow fluff. They have such sensitive souls and they love so intensely that it is sometimes hard for us to see that. I find myself liking a man that I have to be a bit more tender around. Not walking on eggshells sort, but simply watching my tone and words...not being bitchy simply because I can be.

11. Their lips- I love to kiss and be kissed...that is my girly side showing through. A man knows how to kiss tenderly and he knows when to take it deeper and rougher.

Yes, I love men. They are these incredibly complex beings (though many would deny it) and I simply want to know their secrets, their thoughts, their desires, their hopes, and their dreams. I want to be the woman who stands by one man for the rest of her life, sharing his joys, sorrows, and tomorrows. Men (or at least one in particular) makes my world turn. His strength keeps me balanced. His logic keeps me grounded. His love gives me security.