The End of An Era

It has been almost a week that I've had to survive without my best friend by my side.
On March 25th at 3:19am, I held my best friend's paw and felt his heart take its last beat. With the final beat, an era came to an end.

Diesel was the end of a long line of love. It began with Kodiak and when Diesel drew his last breath, the line of love ended. 

For the first time in almost 20 years, my house doesn't have a dog residing within its walls. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

There is no more "thump, thump" of his tail as I walk through the door. My bed stays completely made each day because there is no dog pulling my pillows to the center of the bed so he can lie on them. There is no one to eat half of my meals each day. There are no toenails sounding on the wooden floors. There is no jingle of his chain as he gets up to move around. There is no body interrupting my sleep so he can get as close as possible to me. There is no ungodly snoring to warm my heart. There is no massive paws demanding a scratch when I'm in the middle of another task. And I miss him with every beat of my heart.

He came into my life when he was 4 months old. After my Rottie passed away, I had sworn there wouldn't be any more additions to our pack. Then, 9 months later, Diesel came along. He was a spoiled Mama's boy from the start. I would hold him, rock him, sing to him, and treat him better than some children. Everything I did was for him. I got a job so I could afford to give him the life he deserved. I went to school every day because I needed a better job. He was the reason I got out of my bed every single day. He was what kept the depression and anxiety at bay. His goofy antics and his big wrinkly face could brighten up every single day.

My dear boy was the love of my life! I was so blessed to be his mom for his lifetime.  Rest easy, big guy! I loved you more than you could ever know and you blessed me the day you chose me to be your mom. There was NEVER a day that I regretted anything I did for you. You were the best thing in my life and I cannot tell you that enough!

I used to sing this song to Diesel all the time. The morning he passed away, I was blessed enough to sing this to him one final time.

With all the love in my heart, I miss you, my darling boy! Fly high. Run free. Tell Daddy I miss him, too. I'll see when I reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Diesel: 2008-2019

Suicide Awareness Month

September is Suicide Awareness Month, in case you didn't know. Not a lot of attention is brought to it because, let's face it, this is still a very hard subject to discuss. It isn't a commonly talked about topic and, in truthfulness and my opinion, we need to destroy the stigma around it. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone so today I'm opening up my world to allow you to peek inside.

If you know anything about me, then you know our veterans are very dear to me. I have loved many in this lifetime and I'm honored to call many of them my friends. According to the VA, there is an average of 20.6 suicides amongst this group. DAILY! And while these numbers include active service members, it still is 20.6 too many. I'm the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. This used to be a very real part of my daily life...keeping my dad here for as long as I could. Some days were easy, others not so much. My dad saw war and did things of which he was not proud. These things weighed on his soul. Watching it wear away at him was not something I'd wish on anyone. With the other veterans I love, I can see the hauntings in their eyes some days. It is terrifying to think of losing any of them. Fortunately, my dad didn't die by suicide, at least not in the conventional sense, he drank himself to death while those around him watched it happen. 

My grandpa, however, did. My grandpa was one of the strongest people I knew. One day, something just snapped and he took his own life. Devastated doesn't even begin to express how we all felt.  Shocked. Surprised. Puzzled. Looking back at the events that led to that horrific day, I understand how that was the route that he took. He'd watched the two women he had loved in this life die. He'd had some health issues that led to him having dietary restrictions. Friends had died. He was taking sleeping pills in order to sleep at night. Grandkids had grown up and had lives of their own. I think he felt alone and I truly understand why he chose to leave on his terms.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this on more than one occasion. Life has been difficult and some days I just get tired of it all. My depression rides me hard and I struggle to breathe when that happens. On those days, I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Then, I think of those I love and fight through it. I really do want to see where this life takes me. So far the journey has had a lot of twists and turns. But in the midst of it all, it is a battle that I wonder if I can win. A friend once told me "When it is the darkest, reach out your hand and you'll find someone reaching back for you." So, that's what I do. And I hold on for dear life!

Suicide should not be viewed as a weakness or a sin. It merely is. In this world, it is an inevitable thing with which most of us will have dealings. We need to have conversations with our children, our friends, our family members, and even acquaintances. Removing the stigma around mental illness would help. Teaching our children that bullying is NOT okay would help. Recognizing the signs of depression would help. There is help out there. It needs to be more accessible to people.

And in case you need to hear it today, you are a beloved and cherished part of this universe. You are uniquely you and nobody can be a better you than you! Hold on, it will get better! If you feel like you've lost all hope, reach into the darkness and find that hand reaching back for you. 

Giving Thanks...

As we approach the week of Thanksgiving, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how things have changed since last year at this same time. And I've been giving thanks for all the changes, the good and the bad.

Last year, I was working and thinking I'd be stuck in this job forever since I didn't see a way to go back to school. Yet, here I am. I'm back in college and not doing half bad. I've made some decisions that have helped and I'm moving forward with so much hope.

People have come and gone in this last year. It hasn't been easy to let them go. However, I've had no choice, but to let them go. Maybe some day I'll understand, but for today, I'm thankful that they walked with me while they could. I've learned and grown from having them with me.

I had been panicking about getting my books back from the publisher and I did. I'm grateful for all that I learned with the publisher I had, but I'm also thankful that I can move forward on my own terms. 

I've made personal choices and decisions, made efforts that hurt, but stretched me into growing, and it's an ever evolving thing. I've experienced hurt and happiness, joy and deep sorrow, yet, I'm thankful for everything I've gone through and those who have stuck by me through it all! 

So, this week, while I'm counting my blessings and enjoying the break from school, please know that each and every one of you are among the blessings I am thankful for. 

Life is organic and fluid. Changes are occurring all the time, however, big or small. And they're not always easy changes, but they are necessary. But choosing to be thankful...well, it helps, trust me, it helps.