Making Memories

I'm not a person for taking photos. I will take them of the dogs, but everything else falls by the wayside. A friend mentioned the other day that I'm too busy being part of the memories to worry about photographing them. This got me thinking. I have a lot of photographs from various family gatherings. However, my favorite memories live in my heart. 

Tis the season... And these days, I get lost in memories. I let the reminiscing carry me where it will since I believe that I'm supposed to learn from them. When this popped up in my feed the other day, my very favorite memory came to mind.

I was a little girl, probably around 8 or 9. Most of you know that I was a farmer's daughter. And it was a life that I loved more than anything. Of course, growing up on a dairy farm, life and death were always lurking about. Life was my favorite part. Better yet was the babies. Dreams of being a vet filled my days. My dad saw me. He really saw me and knew me better than most. 

It was a cold night. I was fresh from the bath and in my warm flannel nightgown. Dad was in the barn, waiting for a cow to give birth. Mom was getting my brother into his nightclothes when Dad called up from the barn. The cow was in labor and he thought I'd like to be there to see the calf come into the world. I remember Mom saying, "But she just got out of the bathtub." Whatever Dad said to her, I heard Mom say, "I'll send her down." I put on my winter barn boots and my winter coat before making the trek down to the barn. 

I close my eyes and I can still smell the warmth of the barn. The scent of warm milk mixing with the smell of the cows. To most people, the odors alone would make them roll their eyes. To me, it is home.

Anyway...Dad was leaning against the barn wall, waiting and watching. He had a thermos of coffee in case it was a longer night than he hoped. I remember the silence as I stepped in front of him and he hugged me tight as we waited. Eventually, he turned an old bucket upside down and had a seat, pulling me into his lap. We sat in complete silence as we watched the cow tremble and push. Slowly, the feet began to emerge and I held my breath. Dad smiled and rubbed my back, reminding me to breathe. Eventually, the calf, a huge bull, was born. Dad got up and cleaned the newborn, made sure he could stand, and let the new baby eat. Once mother and baby were bedded down for the night, we turned off the lights, then walked hand in hand back to the house.

No words were spoken between father and daughter that night, but volumes were said. And the most amazing memory was made. In that moment, I was seen as the person I was becoming.

It took over 30 years before I felt that way again...seen for who I was and who I was becoming. That memory began with a funny comment and the beautiful laugh that belonged to the man with the charismatic smile and that memory is for another day. And while this memory belongs solely to him and me, this song means so much to me because of the truth it holds.

In Not Of...

My mother once told me, "Be in the world, not of it." I've pondered on this a lot lately. I've noticed more of my old-fashioned values and style bleeding through. I just cannot change that. I was raised in a very different manner than some and I cannot become less than I was raised to be.

This meme has been in my feed a lot lately. It may be the universe is sending me a message that I need to pay attention to. So, I'm going to share it with you:

I've been questioning my purpose here in this Life a lot lately. My mom sent me a message saying "I wish your mirror showed you just how incredible a woman you are!!  The day will come when you see that you have made this world a better place just by being in it...I can hardly wait." Maybe that is all my purpose is...being a part of this world.

It may be that I paid a compliment to someone who was having a bad day. It may be the smile I give to someone walking down the street. Maybe it is taking an extra moment to look at their son's wedding pictures though you've never met him. Maybe it is touching the arm of that cute boy in math class to assure him that he's not alone on this journey. Maybe it's turning off your technology and connecting with the man with that charismatic smile. Maybe it's holding the baby of the mother who is trying to shop but can't because the baby is too fussy. Maybe, just maybe, it's changing people's lives in little ways. And even more important, maybe it isn't the fact that you are changing theirs, maybe it is that these people are changing you!

So, for today, maybe we could all practice being in the world, but not of it.

Bright blessings to you and yours!

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

We are two days out from the new year and I'm sitting at my laptop in sheer disbelief. This year has flown by. I've been doing a bit of looking back over the last year and counting my blessings. 

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned that I've got ambition and courage. I've stood up for myself and found the drive for success that I wondered if it ever existed. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and made friends. I made myself a priority in my own life. And you know what? It made a huge difference. I focused on healthier eating, taking my vitamins on a regular basis, drinking more water, studied my ass off, and took the time to make a difference in my own life. I tried some different recipes and am pretty proud of myself. I eat a lot more veggies. (Pinterest has decided that I'm Asian because of the Asian recipes I have pinned.) I have made an effort to purchase clothing that flatters me and my body.

I've always been one to put others first. As a lifetime caregiver, I'm so used to putting others health and wellbeing above my own. But I found myself worn out and run down. I was mentally destroyed, emotionally broken, and physically torn apart at the seams. I had been so focused on everyone else in my life...their needs, their wants, their desires...that I neglected myself for far too long. 

2018 is my year! It will be the year I continue my journey toward self-care and making myself a priority. It means focusing on my education and my health. It means making changes that some people may not like, but they will have to get over it. I've spent too long listening to people who didn't have my best interests at heart. If you're going to be part of my life, you've got to understand my need to make my decisions for my own life and happiness. I'm trying to be the best possible me I can be...more me!

To those who have cheated on me, to those who have left me, to those who have hurt me, to those who didn't believe in me, to those who broke my heart, I say "Thank you!" Because of you, I've learned who I am, found my independence, took back my voice, and discovered my self-worth.

I wish you all a safe and happy New Year's Eve! May 2018 bring you more blessings than your life can hold!

Giving Thanks...

As we approach the week of Thanksgiving, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how things have changed since last year at this same time. And I've been giving thanks for all the changes, the good and the bad.

Last year, I was working and thinking I'd be stuck in this job forever since I didn't see a way to go back to school. Yet, here I am. I'm back in college and not doing half bad. I've made some decisions that have helped and I'm moving forward with so much hope.

People have come and gone in this last year. It hasn't been easy to let them go. However, I've had no choice, but to let them go. Maybe some day I'll understand, but for today, I'm thankful that they walked with me while they could. I've learned and grown from having them with me.

I had been panicking about getting my books back from the publisher and I did. I'm grateful for all that I learned with the publisher I had, but I'm also thankful that I can move forward on my own terms. 

I've made personal choices and decisions, made efforts that hurt, but stretched me into growing, and it's an ever evolving thing. I've experienced hurt and happiness, joy and deep sorrow, yet, I'm thankful for everything I've gone through and those who have stuck by me through it all! 

So, this week, while I'm counting my blessings and enjoying the break from school, please know that each and every one of you are among the blessings I am thankful for. 

Life is organic and fluid. Changes are occurring all the time, however, big or small. And they're not always easy changes, but they are necessary. But choosing to be thankful...well, it helps, trust me, it helps.

Thank You...

It's that time of year again (where on earth has 2016 gone?) and everyone is posting things they are thankful for. Me? I'm happy to be here!

I'm thankful for my family and friends, for this life I have, and for the ability to do the things I love. Working in the field I do, I appreciate the little things like taking a shower by myself, going to the store (as much as I despise shopping), and even cooking meals. Sometimes it really is just the little things that we don't think about.

As much as people complain about how people have to work on the holidays, there are some of us who don't have a choice. Yes, I am one of those. Stop for a moment though. Who would take care of us in an emergency situation if the doctors, nurses, and EMTs all were home with their families? Who would be there when we have to stop for gas as we travel to see our families? What about those family members who are in nursing homes? Or what about those people who have no family to spend the holidays with? They still need care. They need showers, meals, etc. Not everyone is equipped to deal with an aging or disabled family member.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the members of our military who guard us day and night, keeping a vigilant watch over our borders and our families. While I know we are extremely thankful for their service, if they didn't work 365 days  a year, where would we be? And what about their families who are struggling through without them? It's not an easy job being a military spouse or kid! You learn to cherish the time you get, holidays or no.

So, for the people who are working the holiday, I thank you! Yes, even the retail clerks! Do you know why? Because I am me and I will have inadvertently forgotten something. I will have to rush out and pick it up at the last minute. If the store were closed, well, I'd be SOL. And having worked retail, trust me, I've been thanked plenty. From the mother who forgot to pick up formula for her baby to the old man who simply had no place to go for the holidays and decided to do his shopping, I felt lucky to be part of their day.

And while we are on the topic of retail people, can I give you a word of sound advice? If you are out shopping this holiday season, please remember that your cashier is merely doing his/her job! They did not set the prices. They do not know every single item that is on sale in their store, let alone someone else's. They are not responsible if you are shopping out of state and your bank has a spending limit and your card is declined. (Yes, I was told I was incompetent at my job over this issue.) They are not responsible for expired coupons. They are on their feet with minimal breaks dealing with customers who are...let's just say, less than pleasant, and they are barely making minimum wage. They are not there because they wanted a "fun job." They are there because they have to be. They are there working to put a roof over their children's heads, food on their families' tables, and pay their bills. You may be stressed out by all the frantic hassle and mobs of people, but these people are doing it 8 hours a day and not necessarily by choice!

I want to send out a big "Thank You" to all of you who are working this holiday! It's not easy and you'd rather be home with your families, but I appreciate you! I'm thankful you sacrifice time away from your family to be on call for mine. And, in case, I haven't said it enough, I'm blessed to have all of you in my life. Thank you for being here, for reading my blogs, and for supporting me on this mixed up, messed up journey I call my life!

With a Little Help From my Friends

So, a huge thank you is in order. I have been slacking while my life is going through the turmoil that it is. I have had friends who have stood beside me and others who have walked away. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for all of them.

To my baby sister, Dani: I cannot say thank you enough for the phone calls, FB chats, and text messages that have kept me from pulling the plug on all of this. My life is better because you're in it. My writing is better because you know my characters almost as well as I know them. You keep me smiling when I want to cry. And you let me cry when I need to absolutely fall apart. When I feel alone in this world, I only have to reach out via my heart and know you're there.


To Logan: Gods, I'm not sure how I would have made it through this last year without you! You have never stopped telling me how intelligent, beautiful, or special I am. You keep me believing that I can move mountains and achieve my every waking dream. You have brought my life so much laughter, happiness, and moonlight. You are this amazing, brilliant man who walked into my life when I needed a friend.

Tonya, my dear Tonya: I never dreamed when I walked into your math class that I would walk out with a life-long friend. You have pushed me when I needed that extra shove. You pulled me along when I tried to dig my feet in. You helped me through one of the most difficult years of my life. You've supported me and held my hand when I just needed to cry. You know where I am on this path in my life and I am blessed to call you my friend.

To Tori: You awakened a power that I had forgotten about. You brought me back to myself and my roots. You don't let me forget who I am. I belong to the Universe. I am blessed by the gods of old and I need to believe in myself. I cannot thank you enough for all the things you have brought back into my life.

To my fans: You haven't given up on me even when I was ready to toss aside my computer and say "I'm done!" You keep asking for your favorite characters. You keep telling me how much you love this world I've created. You keep pushing me forward when I'm ready to call it done. You don't allow me to give up on myself or my dream.

There are so many people who have crossed my path as I've walked along. They have all taught me lessons and made me a better person. Whether they merely brushed across my life or stopped to stay awhile, I have been truly blessed by so many and I felt it was time that I say thank you for all that you've done.

May the blessings of the gods rain down on each and every one of you!

With love,
Gemma

Happy Father's Day

I wanted to take a moment to wish all of the fathers out there a Happy Father's Day. 
Today is the 2nd Father's Day I've had without my dad and I will admit to feeling a little sad today. But I got to thinking about my dad and all the wonderful things I got from him. So, instead of crying and being sad, I'm going tell you why he was such an amazing dad.

First of all, he was a hero. Not just a hero like every little girl thinks of her daddy, but mine was an honest to goodness hero. He served in Vietnam, came home and became a firefighter, lived with PTSD for 20 years, and loved me unconditionally.

He gave me a love of music. Not just the twangy country music he loved, but the oldies as well. I can remember singing along with him in the car wherever we went. It's a habit I just can't shake. I still sing along with the songs on the radio when I'm driving.

He gave me my heart. He showed by example what it meant to be a good human being. He never judged a person by the clothes they wore, or their handicaps. He was kind to everyone and that matters.

He gave me my weird sense of humor. Dad was silly, goofy, and funny. It didn't matter where or with whom. He was constantly trying to crack people up and he was never ashamed of making a fool of himself. Whether it was teasing me mercilessly until I laughed or dressing up in my Christmas clothes and chilling on the couch (yes, I have pictures :)), he brought joy.

He gave me a sense of self. He allowed me to claim my oddness, my faith, and my beliefs with no judgment. He let his little girl find out who she was through trial and error. He never interfered. He simply let me be.

He showed me how to push through the pain. With his PTSD, he was constantly in pain (mentally), but he still laughed. 

He believed I deserved to dance amongst the stars. If he could have brought the heavens down for me, I think he would have.

Sometimes, we are in the presence of angels and don't even realize it. Trust me when I say I knew all along. 
So, I ask  you to hug your dad a little tighter today and hold on a little longer than you need to. He gave you some of the wonderful components that make you you. 

Happy Father's Day!!