I Am Where I Am Meant to Be...

For years, I have carried this quote with me. It has been my mantra whenever I've found myself questioning my life.

Looking at my life, I had plans. By this age, I had intended to have children who I would be seeing off to college, attending weddings, big family holidays. I was going to be married and planning our retirement. I would be half owner of a house, driving a better vehicle than I am, and life would have come together.

Instead, I am renting my home. I'm the one in college working on my bachelor's, not my children. No weddings are being planned. Holidays are a bit more subdued than I imagined they would be.

It is as if I have just beginning to find myself at this age. I'm learning new ways to cook and enjoying new foods. I'm elevating my heat levels in my cooking and loving every bit of it. I'm dipping my toes back into the waters of literature that I have always loved. I am falling back in love with Chaucer and Hemingway. I walk across campus and sit in classes with kids. I'm learning from them and forming friendships with them. I won't go bar hopping or partying with them, but to sit and share ideas, I am all for that.

At this age, I expected I would be settled and content with my life. Instead, I am loving my life! Hell, I'm living my life!

I had these big plans for where I was going and how I would get there and who would be on this journey with me. However, as I have been told by my mother recently, God has other plans.

Hello!

I'm taking a break from studying to say "Hello!" I'm in the middle of studying for my mid-terms and it's hurting my brain. I've gotten out for fresh air (and to put gas in my truck). I've made food and ate. I've...wait, I swear I'm not stalling! :) 

My study buddy

This guy has been by my side all day. He's such a snuggler on days when he can get some snuggle time in. He's not much help when I'm trying to figure out algebra or history, but he's my heart. Having a bigger bed to snuggle in has absolutely NOTHING to do with his love! *snort* Life is good and I'm so grateful for all that I have!

I hope you have a blessed week ahead of you. I've gotta get back to this studying thing. I've got 7 layer dip Combos and Pepsi to sustain me. 

Bright blessings to you and yours!

A Woman of a Certain Age...

This posting was going to be funny and silly, but I've had something on my mind lately. It has to do with age and I'm tired of holding back.

I'm celebrating a birthday this week and it's a milestone. I've fussed over it. I've cried over it, but no matter what, it is going to happen. Honestly, I'd rather have that than the other option! However, someone said something to me the other day and it pissed me off. They hurt my feelings! They said, "Remember how old you are. You aren't 20 anymore!"

You know what? I know that! I look in the mirror every single day and I know I'm not 20! I feel the aches and pains in my joints. I know I'm not 20! I don't need your reminder that I'm older than I want to be!

I was talking to my darling sister the other day and actually said the words, "I thought I'd have more time!" When I was younger, I wasted time. I gave time to people who didn't deserve it. I allowed people to take from me without giving back. I let people take my spirit, steal my thunder, and break me until I was less than I wanted or deserved to be! I made mistakes that cost me more than I should've allowed! And, trust me, I'm paying the price now.

I'm not a woman who regrets the decisions she's made. There's no point because I can't change the past. Every decision has led me to the spot I am now. I was beat down and degraded. I lost my voice. I still have a few issues to work on, but I'm trying. And I love the woman I've found under years of breakage and hurt. People buried my fire until it was almost out. Unfortunately for them, the ember still smoldered. I've been digging through the wreckage of my soul for a while and the fire is back to roaring.

I know I'm not 20! I wouldn't want to be. Being 20 would put me back in a place I wouldn't want to be with people I don't like all that much. I don't have to "act my age" or be reminded that I'm not a teenager. I color my hair whatever fucking color I feel like. I wear whatever fucking clothes I want. I wear as much or as little make-up as I want. Most days, I'm mistaken for 28-35. I'm okay with that! Hell, I'm ecstatic over that! When someone asks me how old I am, I love watching their mouths fall open because they think I'm so much younger. And that's on a college campus! After a lifetime of being the geek who has her nose in a book, I've had some students actually tell me I'm the "coolest chick" they know. I've been told I inspire them.

So here's a piece of advice: The next time you get the urge to remind a woman of their age or say "Well, a woman of a certain age would...", shut your damn mouth and blow your opinion out your ass! Why? Because women of ANY age can do whatever the hell they want and they don't need  your permission to do so!

I've Been Thinking...

I know that thought scares most of you who know me. Thinking means this Gemini is either bored and looking for trouble or she's stalling. Actually, I'm neither. 

A friend of mine posted a thought on Facebook today and she got me thinking. Her question went along the lines of; "How does your idea of happiness in your twenties differ from your idea of happiness now?" (Thank you, Liane!) This really started my mind working overtime.

My idea of happiness when I was twenty involved a home, husband, and children. My idea of happiness now? Well, not those things. I had a husband, I no longer do. My children have all been four-legged and furry. And I've made a home out of the most I've had. Now, my happiness is slightly different. Happiness now involves sharing a single bed with a 170 lb. dog who steals as much of my bed as he can throughout the night. Spending my days studying and my nights writing. "Playing" with my best friend and enjoying this lifestyle we are exploring. Hanging out, watching movies, and eating deep-dish pizza. Laughing with my little sisters or best friend and his brothers. Cooking breakfast for my best friend and hearing him say, "This is the best one yet!" Knowing I am appreciated and loved every single day. Knowing that my studies are leading me to the career where I can make a difference in this world. Realizing that my stories are being read by people and people are loving them. 

Puppy kisses and sharing the bed with this guy...priceless!

My idea of happiness and success are so vastly different that they used to be! In many ways, this has to do with the changes I've made over the last year. In so many others, well, they have to do with my best friend and the way he has showed me how to use different lenses to look at things. He is slowly changing my pessimistic ways...the glass isn't always half-empty anymore. Sometimes it is half-full. Other times, there is simply water in the glass and I need to be grateful. Whether it is half-filled or only a swallow, I need to be happy with the fact that at least I have water in said glass.

So tell me...has your idea of happiness changed over the years? I want to hear your thoughts!