It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise. 

The "C" Word

Oh, Lord! Not that "c" word! No, this is about the word "confidence". You know that one thing I'm not? LOL 

I was having a conversation with someone the other day who couldn't believe that my self-esteem was actually as low as I claim it is. She told me that, because of the way I dressed and carried myself, she truly believed my confidence was very healthy. I laughed...HARD!

From the earliest I can remember, I've struggled with confidence. I have never thought of myself as beautiful or strong or, well, confident. For this person to tell me that she didn't believe I had an issue with my size, my shape, or my style stuns me. The funny thing is? She's not the first one to say it. The man with the charming smile told me that, too. "I watch you walk across campus with your head up, your shoulders back, and I see a woman with so much confidence." (I usually had my earbuds in and didn't pay much attention to anyone unless they were in my path.)

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a woman who has confidence. I see someone who is looking tired and showing more of her age everyday. I am not happy with my looks which is why I change them up. I add color to my hair to hide the grays. I add false eyelashes to make my eyes look bigger. I wear make-up to cover the blemishes. I dress younger than I am because I hate the clothes that are marketed toward women my age. I'm still a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers kind of girl. 

I feel like I've been faking 'til I make it. Maybe I've managed to fool myself into actually having confidence. Who knows? If others perceive the illusion of confidence in the way I speak, act, or dress, then maybe, just maybe, I have gained some over the years.

I had a blog that I had done for a college project a while ago about why I'm beautiful. I asked women of every age to tell me why they were beautiful. I had some amazing answers from some incredible women. It was empowering and enlightening. 

So, tell me...what makes you beautiful? Apparently, my answer needs to be...my confidence *G*

Dedicated to My Diesel...

WARNING: I'M HAVING A SAD SORT OF DAY TODAY! TEARS MAY BE INVOLVED!!!!!

Before Diesel became a part of my life, I did the research. For me, it was extremely important to know what I was getting myself into. I mean, a mastiff is a HUGE dog and with a dog of this size comes issues, right? That and getting a dog is a massive responsibility.

I read all the breeders' websites I could find and the health issues were far outweighed by the love this breed has. One thing so many breeders spoke of was the snoring. One even went so far as to post a video of her male and female, lying on either side of her, snoring in stereo. It made me laugh. I mean, c'mon, is it really that bad?

Diesel came to be and the puppy snores were the best. There was absolutely nothing about this dog that didn't make me fall in love with him more every day. He was always the best. He was housebroken very easily and quickly (less than a week). He helped mend my broken heart. There were days when I wondered who fell in love first, me or him. (I still wonder this sometimes.) And to this day, I wonder who chose who. I mean, this is the first puppy who climbed the fence to get to me.

As I sit here typing this out before heading to class, Diesel is on his back on the sofa, snoring his little heart out as if he hadn't slept all night. He sleeps in my bed, snoring all night long, so I know better. I don't know how many times I have to nudge him with my foot because he is snoring and "running". And, yes, the snores are as bad as the breeder's video showed!!! But do you want to know something? I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. There will come a day when I don't have those precious snores to wake me up at night or the dreaming to make me nudge him awake.

So many of my mastiff friends are losing their babies and it had me thinking this morning. With the love of a big dog comes the reality that they don't live as long as we'd like. My Diesel turned 6 years old in December. My best friend tells me that he believes Diesel will live to be 12 or 13 and I pray that is the truth. The thought of losing the love of my life breaks my heart to even imagine. A life with no puppy snores, no thumping of a tail when L comes home, no doggy kisses, no drool all over my good clothes as I'm heading out for the night, and no Diesel snuggles is a life that will be very sad. 

So for today (and tonight), I will treasure all the love that this big lug holds for the me and the men I've brought into his life. He cherishes his humans as much as we treasure him. I've lost count of the times I've heard, "I love Diesel" from any one of them. It shows me that at the end of Diesel's days, he will have touched many and been loved by all who have met him. 

I've Been Thinking...

I know that thought scares most of you who know me. Thinking means this Gemini is either bored and looking for trouble or she's stalling. Actually, I'm neither. 

A friend of mine posted a thought on Facebook today and she got me thinking. Her question went along the lines of; "How does your idea of happiness in your twenties differ from your idea of happiness now?" (Thank you, Liane!) This really started my mind working overtime.

My idea of happiness when I was twenty involved a home, husband, and children. My idea of happiness now? Well, not those things. I had a husband, I no longer do. My children have all been four-legged and furry. And I've made a home out of the most I've had. Now, my happiness is slightly different. Happiness now involves sharing a single bed with a 170 lb. dog who steals as much of my bed as he can throughout the night. Spending my days studying and my nights writing. "Playing" with my best friend and enjoying this lifestyle we are exploring. Hanging out, watching movies, and eating deep-dish pizza. Laughing with my little sisters or best friend and his brothers. Cooking breakfast for my best friend and hearing him say, "This is the best one yet!" Knowing I am appreciated and loved every single day. Knowing that my studies are leading me to the career where I can make a difference in this world. Realizing that my stories are being read by people and people are loving them. 

Puppy kisses and sharing the bed with this guy...priceless!

My idea of happiness and success are so vastly different that they used to be! In many ways, this has to do with the changes I've made over the last year. In so many others, well, they have to do with my best friend and the way he has showed me how to use different lenses to look at things. He is slowly changing my pessimistic ways...the glass isn't always half-empty anymore. Sometimes it is half-full. Other times, there is simply water in the glass and I need to be grateful. Whether it is half-filled or only a swallow, I need to be happy with the fact that at least I have water in said glass.

So tell me...has your idea of happiness changed over the years? I want to hear your thoughts!

What is Beauty?

I've got a blog up for school titled "I Am Beautiful At..." I wanted to take a look at what people think beauty is.

I also want to bring about awareness that women of all shapes, sizes, ages, races, and religions are beautiful. As women, I think we spend more time judging ourselves and others instead of looking for ways to empower one another and raise each other up.

I'm not a reality television watcher. Duck Dynasty is the extent of my reality TV watching, but my husband loves reality TV, especially Survivor. That show grates on my very last nerve. It's one of those things that irritates the living hell out of me. Why should we only show cute little twenty somethings on a beach on some tropical island? Why not take the show to a cold climate where they have to wear winter coats? I'm thinking Alaska. Hey, they did Africa, didn't they? Let's see how Survivors do when they are cold and hungry. There is nothing about these women I see as attractive. Most of them are cold-hearted, nasty women who will hit on men to get their way.

I see this with all of the tabloid "princesses", too. Yet, as women, we look at these women and say, "I want to look like, dress like, act like...". Why? Why aren't we happy with who we are? Is it because media won't allow it? Or is it because as women we are trained to always want to be a size or two less than what we are?
  




It's been a long time ago, but I watched a lady on some show talking about aging. She spoke about how plastic surgery isn't an option and neither is coloring her hair. She talked about what wrinkles, laugh lines, and crow's feet meant to her. I took a long hard look in my mirror.

I am almost 41 years old. I am plus-sized and healthy. My blood pressure is normal as is everything else. I have a few wrinkles and laugh lines, but that means I've worried about people in my life and I've laughed a lot. I have gray hairs, but I have earned each and every one of them. I seldom wear make-up or curl my hair. My husband has seen me at my best and my worst and he still finds me attractive. I am bold, brassy, confident, sarcastic, and trusting. I'm sexy and beautiful at 41 because I am me!

What is beauty, in your opinion? Is it all about looks or is it about the beauty within that comes shining through? Talk to me, people!