The "C" Word

Oh, Lord! Not that "c" word! No, this is about the word "confidence". You know that one thing I'm not? LOL 

I was having a conversation with someone the other day who couldn't believe that my self-esteem was actually as low as I claim it is. She told me that, because of the way I dressed and carried myself, she truly believed my confidence was very healthy. I laughed...HARD!

From the earliest I can remember, I've struggled with confidence. I have never thought of myself as beautiful or strong or, well, confident. For this person to tell me that she didn't believe I had an issue with my size, my shape, or my style stuns me. The funny thing is? She's not the first one to say it. The man with the charming smile told me that, too. "I watch you walk across campus with your head up, your shoulders back, and I see a woman with so much confidence." (I usually had my earbuds in and didn't pay much attention to anyone unless they were in my path.)

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a woman who has confidence. I see someone who is looking tired and showing more of her age everyday. I am not happy with my looks which is why I change them up. I add color to my hair to hide the grays. I add false eyelashes to make my eyes look bigger. I wear make-up to cover the blemishes. I dress younger than I am because I hate the clothes that are marketed toward women my age. I'm still a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers kind of girl. 

I feel like I've been faking 'til I make it. Maybe I've managed to fool myself into actually having confidence. Who knows? If others perceive the illusion of confidence in the way I speak, act, or dress, then maybe, just maybe, I have gained some over the years.

I had a blog that I had done for a college project a while ago about why I'm beautiful. I asked women of every age to tell me why they were beautiful. I had some amazing answers from some incredible women. It was empowering and enlightening. 

So, tell me...what makes you beautiful? Apparently, my answer needs to be...my confidence *G*

Name-Calling- a Confidence Booster

I'm not a fan of name-calling. I despise it with a passion. Who are you to think you know my story? However, this past week I was called two different names all in the matter of an hour. And it was all by one individual...a woman I respect greatly. It gave me such an enormous boost and my confidence went through the roof.

I was sitting in my English class about 10 minutes early this past Thursday. I was reading, as is my habit. My professor walked in and made a joke about seeing who the eager students were. I laughed and she said "You're laughing. Have you not been called an overachiever yet today?" (This is a 9:20 am class.) Overachiever? Oh wow! Then, she proceeds to say, "You worry so much about your performance, but you shouldn't!" *jaw hits floor* She took my breath away. 

I've worked hard for my right to sit in this classroom. I've busted my butt to be in the seat. Am I an overachiever? Quite possibly. I do worry about my performance in a space where performance counts. After all this time, when this semester ends, I will have accomplished something I never thought possible...I will end this semester with a 4.0 GPA. After all the struggles I've had with the various classes on this campus, I've found my way!

Then, class began. We were to write a take-home quiz on the topic she had given us on Tuesday. My topic was to prove that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is a sexist book. I almost cried when she gave me the topic. This is one of my favorite stories! I had decided that I didn't need the grade (which I didn't) so I wasn't going to turn it in. Of course, who does the good doctor call on first? That's right...me! So, I explained how it was hard for me and how I worked hard to find the flaws that I prayed wouldn't be there. She told me that I really had some good points and she was enjoying my struggle because that means that I'm growing. When I told her that I had this epiphany, she laughed and said "Congratulations! You are now a true English major!" Again, I almost cried! It's true! I'm an English major and I've been baptized by a woman I consider to be one of the best. 

Two names were used by one person whom I admire. In the time it took for her to teach us, she blessed me in a way that she may never fully understand. 

I love it when readers read my blogs, books, etc., and tell me the parts they fell in love with. It means I'm doing something right. I love it, too, when the readers get frustrated and upset because, again, I'm doing something right. Then, to have this woman, a professor who I aspire to emulate someday, tell me I have what it takes to succeed...I'm doing something right!