Oh, Lord! Not that "c" word! No, this is about the word "confidence". You know that one thing I'm not? LOL
I was having a conversation with someone the other day who couldn't believe that my self-esteem was actually as low as I claim it is. She told me that, because of the way I dressed and carried myself, she truly believed my confidence was very healthy. I laughed...HARD!
From the earliest I can remember, I've struggled with confidence. I have never thought of myself as beautiful or strong or, well, confident. For this person to tell me that she didn't believe I had an issue with my size, my shape, or my style stuns me. The funny thing is? She's not the first one to say it. The man with the charming smile told me that, too. "I watch you walk across campus with your head up, your shoulders back, and I see a woman with so much confidence." (I usually had my earbuds in and didn't pay much attention to anyone unless they were in my path.)
I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a woman who has confidence. I see someone who is looking tired and showing more of her age everyday. I am not happy with my looks which is why I change them up. I add color to my hair to hide the grays. I add false eyelashes to make my eyes look bigger. I wear make-up to cover the blemishes. I dress younger than I am because I hate the clothes that are marketed toward women my age. I'm still a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers kind of girl.
I feel like I've been faking 'til I make it. Maybe I've managed to fool myself into actually having confidence. Who knows? If others perceive the illusion of confidence in the way I speak, act, or dress, then maybe, just maybe, I have gained some over the years. I had a blog that I had done for a college project a while ago about why I'm beautiful. I asked women of every age to tell me why they were beautiful. I had some amazing answers from some incredible women. It was empowering and enlightening. So, tell me...what makes you beautiful? Apparently, my answer needs to be...my confidence *G*
Have you ever felt as if you were born in the wrong era? As if you fell into a time where you didn't belong? *raises hand* Yep, that's me. I'm a throwback to a time when life was simpler.
You've read my previous posts. You know I am a woman who is more than a little old-fashioned. I cook and bake from scratch. I garden and freeze my own veggies. I make my own jams. Hell, I make my own soaps and lotions, too. Technology is great, but I miss the simpler times.
Mr. Charismatic Smile shared this the other day and it brought this post to the forefront of my mind.
Now, don't get me wrong! I'm all for people wearing what they want to wear, but I'm such a sucker for a man who can pull off a suit and tie. Yeah, I know...I like the jeans and hoodie/t-shirt look, too. However, there is such a classic look when a man puts on a three piece suit and dress shoes.
I'm not a fashion-minded person. I don't know designers. Hell, I had to ask my former roommate who the hell Kate Spade was and what made her special. Did the same thing with Coach. (He laughed at me and said, "You're a girl. Shouldn't you know these things?) I buy what I like because I like it. I don't care about a name. I'm not a fan of skinny jeans on men or the hipster look, in general. I prefer it if my guy wears jeans more often than a suit, but putting on a suit for an evening out or church on Sunday...mmmm...that works.
I'm so much of a throwback that I just ordered this dress:
I wear a garter belt and seamed stockings under all of my skirts. I wear heels as often as is possible. I love the femininity of it all. (Yeah, I'm the same woman who lives in jeans and t-shirts/hoodies and hiking boots.) I love the 40s feel to it. While it all is making a comeback in certain areas, I'm finding it easier to embrace my curves with some of the retro looks.
There is so much changing in my life that I can hear my grandmother's voice playing in my head about how she's finally got her girly-girl granddaughter! I hated wearing dresses when I was younger. The first skirt I bought as an adult was one that hung to my ankles. (I have a gypsy skirt on my Amazon wish list, too.) I could get away with it, my bathing suit would include swim pants that go to my ankles. But I'm learning to embrace my feminine side the more I grow to accept my body. My curves aren't necessarily meant to be hidden. I'm trying to embrace them.
In my hometown, there was a classic car event every July. My best friend and I loved that particular weekend. The old cars would roll into town and 50s music would play. We were two girls who loved the cars as much as the events that took place. The cruise was the best part. Especially at night when everyone brought the cars out to cruise Main Street. So many classic beauties would arrive and show off. It was almost as if we stepped back in time.
I'm very much a June Cleaver in a Kim Kardashian world. I love technology and all if affords me, but simplicity has a lot going for it as well. And classical! Being a classic never goes out of style! Think of the sexiest men and women out there...Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe. They had classical looks and a style that truly hasn't gone out of style.
So, tell me...in what era do you think you belong?
The other day I found a video on Facebook. They took Polaroids of women and asked the women what they saw. There were 63 women used on this project. I watched the video with tears in my eyes. So much beauty and strength was there, yet they sometimes missed it.
I'm on a college campus most days. While I realize that I'm not 18, I compare myself to the girls on campus. I'm not as skinny as that one. I'm not as pretty as another. My skin is flawed and not as fresh as a younger woman's. I'm heavier than most. I dress for comfort instead of style.
But I'm working on my self-image. I'm trying to be more positive about my appearance. For example: I love my hair! I work hard to make sure the color in my hair looks good. And my eyes...I love the color and shape of my eyes. Even in glasses, my eyes are my best feature.
So...I decided that maybe it was time I took a selfie and posted it for the world to see. I'm going to tell you what I see when I look at these pictures. I'm going to try to remain positive, but no promises there.
Ready? Okay, here we go:
Oh gods, this is harder than I thought it would be! *tears*
I see my dad's bone structure in my cheeks. I see my mom's complexion and her eyes. I see my grandmother's mouth. I see pain. I see strength. I see doubt. I see a woman who needs to learn to believe in herself and her abilities. I love her hair! I see someone who knows how to love everyone except herself. I see the introvert, the bookworm, the one who wants to blend in, the one who hopes everyone overlooks her. I see someone who has lost so much and is scared to death. I see the little girl who is scared of screwing up and is petrified to take a chance. I see the woman who has known what it is to be hurt at the hands of someone she trusted...enough so that she is scared to let people touch her...someone who flinches without realizing she's doing it. I see someone who thinks she is more overweight than she really is. I see a daughter. I see a friend. I see a small-town girl. I see someone with a very big heart that has been broken more times than she cares to admit. I see a farmer's daughter with a rebel streak a half mile wide.
I've been told that I have a beautiful smile. I just don't smile in photos because I'm very self-conscious of my teeth. For years, I've been told to "hide your smile" or "smile with your mouth closed". By not smiling, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I'm just...me. Mr. Charismatic Smile walked into class one day after having missed a class and said, "There's that beautiful smile. I missed it." He just about brought me to my knees with that comment. That one comment made my day so much brighter and I still smile when I remember that first day. However, old habits die hard.
So, there you go: Gemma finally shows you who she is physically. You all know me on a different level, but now, you see what I see.
I just want us to be more aware of ourselves, our bodies, and our view of those things. We shape our own views. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are less than you are! Because you are the best version of you...no one can tell you different!
Last night a friend tagged me in a Facebook post about being beautiful. I needed to upload and post 5 pictures of myself where I feel at my most beautiful. I cringed. I had a small panic attack. I am not known for posting "selfies" online. I have a lot of image issues.
Let me explain:
I have very crooked teeth. I have had them my whole life. There was never enough money to afford braces so I learned to live with the smile. I was told to cover my mouth, smile with my lips closed, anything so no one could see my teeth.
I am not a small woman, never have been, never will be. I have rolls, always have. I was told how much prettier I'd be if I lost weight. I've tried, but I LOVE food.
I wear glasses. "Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses" was something I heard repeatedly as I went through high school. I got contacts and wore them constantly. Guys didn't make passes at me then either.
I wear make-up and do my hair...when I feel like it. My grandmother always had earrings in her ears and her bright pink lipstick on her mouth. "You never know who you're gonna run into."
My feet are HUGE...like a size 11 huge. Dad used to say we'd be better off buying me gunboats to wear. I've never been horribly self conscious about them, but they are substantially obvious.
My eyelashes are short and stubby. I have one pupil that is larger than the other. I have a double chin. I have thinner lips. My cheeks are chubby. My "trunk" looks like a hoarder is hording way too much junk in it. And I get easily distracted. Maintaining focus is hard for me. My life is in constant creative chaos.
HOWEVER:
I've been told my smile is beautiful and lights up a room. So what if my teeth are crooked? It's a smile uniquely mine.
I'm a bigger girl. That is one thing that will never change. However, I eat healthier foods, I don't snack very often, and I am learning to take care of this body of mine. It is a body that has been called voluptuous and sexy on a few occasions.
I wear glasses. I can't change that. I need to see! Years of contact wearing destroyed the blood vessels in my eyes enough that I've been told that even wearing a pair of contacts for 10 minutes could cause me to lose my sight. So I buy flattering frames to make me look like the sexy nerd girl that certain men like to flirt with.
I put my make-up on when I'm feeling insecure. I put it on like a light mask to hide myself from the world. If I'm not wearing make-up around you, then I feel secure enough to let you see the real me. My hair is colored (because the gray makes me look too old), but rarely is it straightened, curled, or done in any way. I like the waves that have come with age and the bounce that is there.
My feet? Well, I can't change them. So, I put them in cute shoes...when I can find them. When I do find them, I tend to buy multiples simply because I can't always find cute shoes in my size.
As for the rest of me...well, I can only change so much. Most of it I have to live with. And I'm learning...I"m learning to see the beauty in myself.
Let me share some things I've learned while I did this little challenge:
We are not made to be perfect. We are made to be unique and individuals. Our bodies are ours. They are what makes us...us. We don't need to look like whatever celebrity is popular at the moment (not a pop culture sort of woman) because even THEY don't look like themselves. Air brushing, touch-ups, professional make-up artists and hair stylists, SPANX, etc. keep them looking like their "natural" selves. The things we see as flaws in ourselves are what the people who love us see as beautiful. We are imperfectly perfect just as we are.
The friend who tagged me in the post stated how you fall in love with someone's laugh, the way their eyes shine, the way they talk with their hands, or the way they move. We can't necessarily see someone's beauty simply from a photograph.
To wrap up this post, I'm going to quote an old adage: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I'm not beautiful to everyone and that is okay. BUT I am beautiful to someone...a lot of people if the comments on my Facebook post are any indication. Beauty isn't merely in looks. It is your heart, your compassion, your intelligence, your wit, your mischievousness, your confidence, and so much more.
So go forth and shine like diamonds, you beautiful beings!
