Loyalty, Smoyalty

*Steps on soapbox* *taps mic* 

I've been accused many times of being a June Cleaver in a Kim Kardashian world.  And it seems that is only becoming more and more true.

Today, the lesson is about loyalty and commitment. 

We have become a throw away society in so many ways. It isn't just about the convenience of items in our life. It is also about the convenience of people. It doesn't matter how close or distant they are. It doesn't matter if they are a hard worker and loyal to a fault. It becomes about convenience.

This week, I've received an eye opening revelation of what loyalty means to people in my life. It became a point where I actually began to question myself and my values. 

I realize I was raised differently than most people. I was raised to be loyal to your job, your friends, and to your mate. However, I've learned that people who claim to be your friend aren't always telling the truth. Spouses cheat and lie. And your job? Well, your job is never a sure thing. 

I got a very tough lesson and it is one that I will not soon forget. I've been told so many times how valuable I am, but it turns out that I'm not as valued as I was told. Someone whose opinion I valued revealed their true colors and their opinion of me is not as they once claimed. 

Why? Turns out that because I've slightly inconvenienced this person in order to take care of myself and mine, their opinion became one filled with malice and hate. This person turned on me in a way that I never dreamed they could or would.

For a moment (or more like the last day), I've questioned myself and doubted myself. However, what I have discovered is that what I did had nothing to do with how this person feels. But I'm a means to an end for this person. People like me. People within this forum sincerely like me. And I've sheltered this person from the anger for such a long time that they believe that I'm disposable. 

Again, I was raised to believe that people are never disposable. And once you make me feel like I am, then you are on your way out of my circle. Making me doubt myself and my values pushes you even further out. 

One thing I have learned many times of my years on this planet is that money makes people do stupid things. One of these things is often to believe that people are simply throw away. 

I may not be as smart as someone else. Maybe I could work harder or be more dedicated. When it comes to my passion, I am. However, when I have to work to create and build someone else's dream only to find myself being degraded and devalued, then I find myself question where my loyalty should actually lie.

And here is the answer...myself. That is where my loyalty should and will lie. I have a very tight circle of friends and family who love me unconditionally. They, too, have my loyalty. But that's where it ends. No longer will I put my loyalty in people who can't see my value or who make me feel like I'm less than because I am doing what I need to survive. 

Because survive I will. And I will soar higher than I ever dreamed...all on my own wings. 

It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise. 

A Woman of a Certain Age...

This posting was going to be funny and silly, but I've had something on my mind lately. It has to do with age and I'm tired of holding back.

I'm celebrating a birthday this week and it's a milestone. I've fussed over it. I've cried over it, but no matter what, it is going to happen. Honestly, I'd rather have that than the other option! However, someone said something to me the other day and it pissed me off. They hurt my feelings! They said, "Remember how old you are. You aren't 20 anymore!"

You know what? I know that! I look in the mirror every single day and I know I'm not 20! I feel the aches and pains in my joints. I know I'm not 20! I don't need your reminder that I'm older than I want to be!

I was talking to my darling sister the other day and actually said the words, "I thought I'd have more time!" When I was younger, I wasted time. I gave time to people who didn't deserve it. I allowed people to take from me without giving back. I let people take my spirit, steal my thunder, and break me until I was less than I wanted or deserved to be! I made mistakes that cost me more than I should've allowed! And, trust me, I'm paying the price now.

I'm not a woman who regrets the decisions she's made. There's no point because I can't change the past. Every decision has led me to the spot I am now. I was beat down and degraded. I lost my voice. I still have a few issues to work on, but I'm trying. And I love the woman I've found under years of breakage and hurt. People buried my fire until it was almost out. Unfortunately for them, the ember still smoldered. I've been digging through the wreckage of my soul for a while and the fire is back to roaring.

I know I'm not 20! I wouldn't want to be. Being 20 would put me back in a place I wouldn't want to be with people I don't like all that much. I don't have to "act my age" or be reminded that I'm not a teenager. I color my hair whatever fucking color I feel like. I wear whatever fucking clothes I want. I wear as much or as little make-up as I want. Most days, I'm mistaken for 28-35. I'm okay with that! Hell, I'm ecstatic over that! When someone asks me how old I am, I love watching their mouths fall open because they think I'm so much younger. And that's on a college campus! After a lifetime of being the geek who has her nose in a book, I've had some students actually tell me I'm the "coolest chick" they know. I've been told I inspire them.

So here's a piece of advice: The next time you get the urge to remind a woman of their age or say "Well, a woman of a certain age would...", shut your damn mouth and blow your opinion out your ass! Why? Because women of ANY age can do whatever the hell they want and they don't need  your permission to do so!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today, class, we're going to talk about respect. There are people who just don't understand what respect means.

Respect is defined as: "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

If you've read my blog posts before, you know I am a big believer in respect. I don't care if you are a doctor or the cashier at my gas station, you deserve my respect. Why? Because you are a human being, who is doing their job, which is in some way or other in service to me.

I've been talked down to, made to feel like I was stupid, and treated like a second (in some cases, third) class citizen. For too many years, I was a housewife. I kept our home. I was called "a gold digger", "lazy", "drain on society", etc. I divorced and work in a not so different field these days...I'm a caregiver. I go into people's homes and cook their meals, clean their homes, do their laundry, etc. No matter their difficulties, I always treat my clients with respect. I don't know all of their back stories and how they came to need someone like me, but if they are calling on me for help, their lives took a much different turn than they imagined it would. However...the first time, you talk down to me as if you are more knowledgeable of things or are smarter than me, I will shut you down. I may not have a college degree, but I'm working on it. I may not have a nice house, but I'm working on it. What makes you so much better than me? I'm curious. Because you made all the right decisions and lived life the way you were "supposed to"?

My grandma always told me "People in glass houses shouldn't walk around nude or throw stones." I find that to be true. I have clients who have opened up to me after being very haughty with me. What have I discovered? You, too, hath fucked up! You may not have made the same mistakes I've made, but you have made mistakes that led you to places you never wanted to be.

Do you think I WANTED to be divorced and a college student at my age? Hardly, but I can tell you that I'm happy with my choices. Being in college at my age isn't easy, by any means, but I love it! The introvert in me loves watching the people interact with each other on campus. The student in me feels starved for the education. And the woman in me, well, she loves it when she catches a certain man's eye and he tells her that he thinks she's 10-15 years younger than she is. (What? I'm a bit vain, I'll admit it!) And standing on my own? It's an incredible feeling! I feel empowered for the first time in my life! I don't mind my job, but I don't want to stay in it forever. There's so much more to explore and do!

While respect is something that can be earned, it is also something that should be given. That cashier at the gas station? He may be working on his degree at night while being a single dad. That doctor? She may have worked her butt off to get a 2.0 in her pre-med which barely eked her into the medical program at her college. You don't know the whole story behind why someone is doing the job they're doing. That janitor you made fun of in high school may have owned his own company, but lost it when times got tough. He/She took the only job they could get to put food on their family's table. Let that sink in for a moment. We are all simply one decision away from being at the low end of the totem pole.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: An easy concept to understand; a difficult one to incorporate.

And because this seems to be the appropriate song for this post:

Making the Grade

The other day, I was surfing the net and found a blog post from a mom who was frustrated with her son. There's not much news there, right? What mother doesn't get frustrated with their children? However, this post took me back to a place that I would rather not go...my past. See, this mother and father are upset because they think their teenage son, a senior in high school, is not taking his future seriously. Instead of studying for an upcoming exam, he was more focused on playing video games. They believed their son lacked ambition. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't...the point is that this kid was getting good grades...without studying.

I was that son...okay, I was a daughter, but still...you get my point. I was constantly being reminded that I needed to apply myself and how my grades were more important than having fun with my friends. Now, like the son in the blog post, I made decent grades. I wasn't a straight-A student, but I probably could've been. I worked part-time all through high school and school came easy. I made B's without making an effort. Blowing off homework to have fun with my friends on the weekend was part of my life. My homework always made it in the teachers' hands (and no, I didn't copy off someone else). I can still hear my mom and grandma saying, "If you'd just apply yourself..."

Apply myself to what? The one dream I had was dashed on the rocks before I ever made it to high school. I had no idea what the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. Some days, I still wonder if I'll ever get it all figured out. Anyway, how do you apply yourself to something when you have no clue where you're headed? And what is funny is that no one asked me what I wanted to be. But I wasn't being pushed to go to college. I wasn't being steered in any direction. I don't think anyone ever thought I'd be more than someone's wife and mother.

I've made it to college and I'm working on my degree. I work hard for my grades, but let me share something with you. I've applied myself to the science and math classes because I was working toward my BS. I've failed miserably. I've studied until I cannot see anything except fx(g) or metamorphic vs. sedimentary rocks. What do those things have to do with an English degree? Nothing. Where will I use these things? I won't. However, they are part of the "core requirements" for a BS, so I'm forced to take them. Two semesters I took and retook math and geology in the hopes of getting better grades than the previous semester. Because of my BS, I needed those classes. I grew frustrated and I kept hearing the words, "If only you'd apply yourself...you're just being lazy." My depression was at an all-time high. I've finally remedied the situation and am working on a BA instead. Still need the math, but I've got the science requirement covered.

I sat in my math class that second semester with Mr. Charismatic Smile from the previous semester and almost lost it when he walked in. He had this huge smile on his face and he sat down with me. Tears filled my eyes when I told him that I felt stupid. (I hate it when people tell me I'm stupid/not smart/unintelligent/lazy/etc.) He squeezed my hand and said, "No, you're not. You're in the same boat as me. This just doesn't make sense to us. But you are NOT stupid. I'm not stupid. We're just not able to comprehend this stuff." In fact not too long ago, he shared this and I cried:

So, here's a little bit of advice: Don't tell your kids that their grades define them, they don't. It doesn't matter if  your kid gets an A or a C on a test. Hell, it doesn't matter if they fail it. You need to ask your kid where they see their life going, who they want to be, where they want to go. Maybe your kid doesn't want to go to college right now. Yes, it would be easier, but in all seriousness, your kid getting a job at a gas station or factory isn't the end of the world. They may just find out who they are. And going to college? It may not be in the cards for your child, at least, not now. But the decision needs to be THEIRS. They're not stupid or lazy because they don't follow the goals YOU laid out for THEM. And teaching your children to stress over getting a B instead of an A, well, that just turns them into people who think they have to please you. Teach them to set goals for themselves and live up to THEIR expectations. And just a little FYI: relaxing in front of a video game or a computer screen or even with a book isn't going to kill your kid. You might be surprised at how much they actually learn...about how to manage stress. Take it from someone is just now learning how to deal with stress...like biology, algebra, and English, teaching a child to deal with stress is just as important.

 I've changed my major three times since I started college. I'm finally content on my choice, but that college debt is all mine. I've made mistakes and I own each of them, but you know what? At the end of the day, I took my own path, not the one carved out for me, and I'm so much happier now.

Sure you want Junior to be successful, but what is success really? My definition is this: Success is being happy with your life. It's not about a big house, a fancy car, or a big paycheck. It's about paying your bills, having a roof over your head and food on your table. Success is being able to look at yourself in the mirror and liking the person you see there. Happiness=success and no one can convince me otherwise.

Oh, Grow Up!

RANT ALERT:

Something happened the other day that sort of got this author wound up. Someone very near and dear to me made a post, a very mild mannered post, about how this political crap people are posting on social media had her unfollowing certain friends until after this election is over. She used two, count them two, expletives. A "friend" thought is was suitable to tattle to my near and dear's mother. Seriously? Are we in grade school?

As adults, we are supposed to be setting examples for our children, right? If we get all butthurt over the fact that someone doesn't use language we approve of or doesn't believe the same way we do, how do we expect our kids to grow up to be healthy adults? Yeah, I'm that woman. I don't believe in "participation" ribbons/trophies for sporting events. I believe that teachers SHOULD use red pens to correct papers. I believe that children should be allowed to stand up for themselves.



I am so over this generation of kids who have entered the world believing they are entitled to something. They are raised thinking the world owes them something for their existence. They don't have to study or train to prove themselves, Simply drawing breath means they are entitled. They don't understand the words "menial labor." Things like daily chores are a thing of the past in most households because little Jack wants to play video games or has football practice and little Jill NEEDS to be on her social media pages with her friends. Guess what, parents! You are not here to be your child's friend. You are here to raise children into adults who understand the world will say no more often than it says yes. That hard work and perseverance will get your kid further in life than buying them everything they want will. Discipline! Holy crap! Lack of discipline is why the world is falling apart. No one understands that there are consequences for their actions anymore.

There are kids on the college campus who are delusional enough to think that because they are paying for their education that they are entitled to the grades of their choosing. They don't believe they should study hard and have to work like the rest of the students.I actually had a boy (and I do mean boy) in a math class last semester who got upset when the professor told him she couldn't read his homework assignment. And I don't mean just got upset. I mean, He slammed his chair into the table, stormed to the front of the classroom, threw the remote controls for the projector, etc. at the professor, then slammed the door shut on his way out. Half of us were so busy taking notes that we didn't realize there was a problem until the remotes spit batteries all over the front of the room. And his punishment? He wasn't allowed to return to the class. Having heard this boy's conversations with other students I can tell you that he didn't know the meaning of criticism or hard work. He didn't understand that illegible work means the person grading your papers will simply give up no matter how well you're doing. He would often walk into class worrying about studying for other classes and ask other people for their homework. Poor over privileged punk!

This boy isn't the first I've heard of or born witness to either. You have student athletes who perform well on the field for their team, but can't pull their weight in classrooms. However, they get away with it because they win for the school. This leads to professional sports players who think they can get away with things like hitting their wives, raping women, dogfighting because "Hey, I'm a winner, right?"

We have generations of these kids growing up and getting away with things simply because they have talent or a name. And as parents and a society we are tolerating it. Why? Why are we raising these kids to be this way? What ever happened to having to work your way to the top? What ever happened to struggling to get that music contract? To playing in dive bars until you make it? What ever happened to paying the dues needed in any job to get to the top? Whatever happened to "starting in the mailroom" of a company? Can anyone answer this for me?

I have to work 40 hours a week plus go to classes plus write plus work out time for a personal life. I'm not complaining, I'm stating a fact. But, I can tell you why I am in school. To get an education which will lead me to a job where I can support myself in a better lifestyle than I have now.

Do you know I have actually heard girls on campus who are there looking for a man? They will only date guys with certain majors because "mom wants me to marry well." See, this is where being an introvert isn't such bad thing. I hear things like this. Not in just one class either. This is in the hallways, at the cafes on campus, all over. We are raising our girls to worry more about finding someone to take care of them than how to take care of themselves. Which just makes them prey for the boys who don't feel like they have to earn anything...like respect. Nice combination on a college campus, huh?

I know I've strayed a bit from the opening paragraph, however, these things go hand in hand. I swear like a sailor most days. I don't care. If people don't like it, they can walk away or unfriend me. I'm not going to be someone I'm not simply because you can't handle it. I don't say things on this page or my social media pages that I won't say to your face. If you get butthurt, well, that's on you, not me. I'm entitled to my opinion. There's this little thing called the Bill of Rights that my dad and my friends have fought to defend. You want to tattle to my mommy for things I say? Go ahead, who do you think raised me? My beliefs run deep because they've been ingrained in the very heart of who I am. Remember Mr. Charming Smile from my math classes? Yeah, we talked about this a lot. Being raised in a blue collar family, we learned hard work and discipline. We weren't handed things, we had to earn them. Our families taught us the meaning of what it means to be an adult even though it frustrated the fuck out of us at the time, but...we have a great respect for our families, our community, and ourselves. And that counts for something!

Teaching your children about discipline, respect, and responsibility isn't a foreign concept. But we are so worried about giving our children their own voices that we forget that theirs aren't the only ones. Everyone is allowed their opinions...it's what makes this world so amazing. No one has the exact same beliefs and that is perfectly okay. What we forget is that if we shut up long enough and listen to the other person, maybe, just maybe we might learn something from the other humans on this planet.