I Am Where I Am Meant to Be...

For years, I have carried this quote with me. It has been my mantra whenever I've found myself questioning my life.

Looking at my life, I had plans. By this age, I had intended to have children who I would be seeing off to college, attending weddings, big family holidays. I was going to be married and planning our retirement. I would be half owner of a house, driving a better vehicle than I am, and life would have come together.

Instead, I am renting my home. I'm the one in college working on my bachelor's, not my children. No weddings are being planned. Holidays are a bit more subdued than I imagined they would be.

It is as if I have just beginning to find myself at this age. I'm learning new ways to cook and enjoying new foods. I'm elevating my heat levels in my cooking and loving every bit of it. I'm dipping my toes back into the waters of literature that I have always loved. I am falling back in love with Chaucer and Hemingway. I walk across campus and sit in classes with kids. I'm learning from them and forming friendships with them. I won't go bar hopping or partying with them, but to sit and share ideas, I am all for that.

At this age, I expected I would be settled and content with my life. Instead, I am loving my life! Hell, I'm living my life!

I had these big plans for where I was going and how I would get there and who would be on this journey with me. However, as I have been told by my mother recently, God has other plans.

A Little Something I Wrote...

School is back in session and I'm excited to see where this semester goes. Lots of homework and I'm trying to get all of the nonsense into a sensible order. However, I have been doing some writing here and there. Just little snippets to keep the muse satisfied. So, I thought I'd share this piece with you:

Photo by Gemma K. Murray

I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love…

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I was at the lowest point of my life. My depression made it hard to breathe. Merely going through the motions, I tried to find myself. My anxiety whispered hateful things. I made myself get out of bed every day, even if it was only for the dog’s sake. I hated myself. I despised my life. I was barely alive.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I was determined that if only… If only, I had an education. If only, I could open the car door. If only, I could climb the steps to that classroom.  If only, I could make it through this class. If only, I could find a reason. If only, I remembered to breathe.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I was sitting in the dark classroom that September day. I had made the drive. I had opened the car door. I had made the walk to the building. I had climbed the steps to get inside. I sat down in a hard wooden chair. My anxiety was rising higher. I put in my earbuds and turned on some music. I closed my eyes.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I felt another presence. I slowly opened my eyes. There you were. You were larger than life. Your smile lit up the darkened room. Your eyes danced. I laughed. I really truly laughed from my soul. I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time. You spoke.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I had a focus. If only, I could make it to the next class period. And the next. And the next. You touched me. Repeatedly. I remembered to breathe. My anxiety fell. My depression buried itself. I didn’t hate myself as much. I laughed with you. I smiled sincerely.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

But there you were. Time and again. We were drawn to each other. We spoke. Memories, family, childhoods, we shared them with each other. I opened my heart to let love peek out. You flung the door wide. I looked into your whiskey-colored eyes.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

You promised to hold my hand. “If I say ‘Jump,’ then we jump. Okay?” you said. I still don’t know why, but I agreed. I trusted you. I don’t trust easy. I’ve been hurt too often. One moment with you and trust flowed through me.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

You told me you missed my “beautiful smile.” I’d never been told that before. You focused on one of my biggest flaws. You saw beauty in the brokenness. You hugged me. You held on tighter. You held on longer. You didn’t notice the fat beneath your long fingers. You didn’t notice the bulges beneath your strong hands.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

I made small changes. You noticed. You flirted. I flirted back. You gave me a nickname. You shared things you read. We spoke of politics. We shared ideas. You walked with me. You put your hand in the small of my back. You waited for me. When you couldn’t, you watched for me. You made sure I was okay. You understood my need.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

You smashed the records in my head. “You’re too stupid!” “You’re too old!” “You can’t do this!” “You don’t belong here!” You broke them to bits with your soft words. “You’re not stupid,” you told me. “You are like me. You don’t understand.” You took the tears from my eyes. You brought me laughter to replace them.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

My spirits were lifted. I began to enjoy my life. Things changed for me. I wasn’t hearing the anxiety- fueled messages anymore. I didn’t flinch when you touched me. In fact, I began to crave your hands. You would share my coffee. You were outrageous. You softened my hardened edges.

I didn’t mean to fall in love…

But here I am. Head over heels. Ass over teakettle. Madly. Deeply. Passionately. Crazy about you. Balls deep. Heart wide open. Freely given. Freely accepting. Believing. Dreaming. Tears falling. Breathing. Thriving. In love with you.  

The Reason We're Really Here

It has been a long time since I made a post about the actual books themselves and, let's face it, that's why we're really here. I haven't been doing much promotion for a few reasons: A) I was not happy with my publisher. B) I didn't believe anyone wanted to read my stories. C) My depression made me believe I'd never write another story. Here's the good news: I have the rights back for Keeper and Enemies will follow in June. I know people want to read my stories. I've opened the fourth and fifth books up and remembered why I love this series...the characters are incredible! I've read some of the dialogue I wrote so long ago and laughed out loud.

So...I thought I'd tell you a little bit about books that you may not have known.

Did I ever tell you that Adam and Luna weren't even on my radar? I mean, c'mon, Adam had maybe 3 lines in Keeper. The second book was actually supposed to be Fire and Ice. It was going to be about Lance and Pearl. Then, Adam pushed his way through to the forefront and let his demands be known. Then, the rest of the cast followed his example. Fire and Ice is...well...on ice at the moment while I work on those damn Black boys and Gideon...sigh...Gideon.

Mr. Fischer was a character who appeared from out of nowhere. As a writer, I know that every character has a purpose, but my original thought was "What on earth could Mr. Fischer be here for?" After all, he was ornery and just an unpleasant person...unless you were Luna. He actually reminds me of an old family friend (who has passed away). He acted like he was ornery when it actuality, he had a heart of pure gold and was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. Mr. Fischer taught me a lot.

Samson...oh, sweet Samson! Do you know I put the book aside for three days after I wrote his scene? Three days and I wasn't sure I wanted to write again. Samson is the one character I love as much as the main characters. He's the bear shifter version of my dad. And my father passed away before Enemies was released. I had the contract which he knew about and was proud of, but the book hadn't been released yet. He never knew about the third book. I had been able to keep him alive with my dear Samson.

There is actually a thought in the back of my mind to make a cookbook based on Lorelai's recipes. It's just a dream at this point because I'm not sure it's a feasible idea at the moment. A) I'm not sure if people would be interested. B) I'm not sure people actually do a lot of cooking anymore. C) I'd have to do a lot of cooking and making things look pretty for pictures. LOL

Here's a funny little fact: Adam was loosely based on someone who used to walk through the theater where I used to write. How funny is it that the real-life version (looks, personality, attitude, everything) of Adam entered my life over a year and a half ago? 5 years AFTER the books were released? I will admit that my heart skipped a few beats when he walked in the door. I mean, after all this time, Adam is still the main character who has my heart. Gideon makes me sigh and I love the Black boys, but Adam is...damn near perfect!

As you can see, if you have crossed my path at some point, you will end up in my stories. If you know me personally, I wonder if  you've found yourself in the stories yet. If you have, let me know! It would be funny if you could figure it all out.

Some more book news for you: The covers for Keeper and Enemies are finished! Keeper is going to go back to the original title that I had: The Sheriff and the Hellraiser. Enemies will remain Natural Born Enemies. The first round of edits for the former Keeper are almost finished. I don't foresee any drastic changes being made. I love the story, but there are just some horrible errors that were overlooked when they were originally published. The website will be ready when the first book is re-released.

Embracing My Darkness

Hemingway once said:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
Now, I know I'm no Hemingway, but I love his work. I understand the demons that are said to have tormented him. You see, I know a lot of authors who sit down, write, and walk away. Sure they get ideas at the most inconvenient times, like while they're taking a shower, driving kids to practices, or while they are attempting to go to sleep. Many of these same authors can set the mood with very little effort. They simply put their ass in a seat and write. Oh, if only it were that simple for me.

My writing process is quite different. I have playlist upon playlist of music to listen to in order to get my mind in the right space. Candles are usually lit and incense wafting through the air. And silence...total silence with no disturbances or interruptions. Then, I step into the darkness of my mind.

My mind is a scary place most days. Most of my story ideas come from my dreams. I dream in full color with my feet on the ground. Yes, vivid colors. And they stick with me for days...even years. Until I take the time to write them down. And once I step into the darkness, it can take days for me to step out of it. Especially if I dive into the realm of my nightmares...where the monsters reside. I had a nightmare for about 5 years. The same one every time. I got tired of it and sat down to write it out. I listened to very dark metal as I wrote and sank into a depression so deep that I thought I'd never emerge. And it scared me.

What scared me is that I went to a place that I never dreamed was possible! I mean, for a long time, all I wrote was light, romantic stories. No heavy back story. No darkness. Just the pretty stuff, ya know? Then, Cedar River came into being. I wrote and wrote what I saw in my dreams. I watched Ana and Bowie become "real". I watched the community come to life and with it more stories. I remember my ex read the dark scenes and merely looked at me with an astounded look, asking, "Where in hell did that come from?" He had no idea what lived in my mind. The fact of the matter is that I could've gone darker, but didn't. After all, my dream was to be a romance author. Not paranormal. Not urban fantasy. Not horror. Romance, sweet and simple.

I never thought I had what it took to write about the darkness that resides in me. Most people who know me wouldn't believe I knew of the bogeyman or demons that hide in the darkness. So, I push it all aside until it builds to a place where I either let it swallow me whole OR I write it all down for the world to see. I choose to write it down and let my demons out to play. The problem now is that I've kept them locked up for a while and they're scratching at the gates of my soul, begging to be released. If I don't let them out soon, they may just consume me. And I prefer to avoid that, if at all possible.

So, while I'm still working 7 days a week and catching up on my housecleaning, I'm also opening up the Word documents I've kept locked up, lighting the incense and candles, and turning on my music. I'm trying to embrace my darkness. Attempting to draw on it to fuel my muse, but not allowing it to consume me...that's the trick. Feed the muse, write the stories/scenes, walk back into the light and survive...seems like a good plan.

Life's Wicked Curve Ball

I owe all of you the deepest of apologies! My life has been in an upheaval and I'm trying to straighten it all out while keeping my sanity.

My marriage of 20 years has ended. No sympathies, please, this was a mutual decision and we're both okay with it all. Our journey through this life together has come to an end and we intend to stay as friendly as we can. There are a few hard feelings, but we're dealing with them. 

This means that while I love to write and put books out for all of you, I had to get a job that pays on a steady basis. I'm working steady and still going to school full-time. I've decided that I really want to be a teacher so I'm studying elementary education along with minoring in English and Women's Studies. 

I have the edits for the third book sitting on my computer. I just need to find time to go through it with a fine-tooth comb. I had the intention of putting this book out before the year's end. I just couldn't do it, not with everything happening.

The stress also has me taking a break from writing for a little bit. I have discovered that I cannot do everything at once. So, I'm doing what I can which right now entails working, school, and working on finding a place to live.

I ask you to bear with me as my life keeps evolving and growing into something beautiful and wonderful.

I'm going to try and keep you up to date more often, I promise. 

My love to each and every one of you!!!

Livin' La Vida Loca

For some reason Livin' La Vida Loca is stuck in my head. I'm well aware I'm dating myself when I share that, but I'll even go one step further...I remember when Ricky Martin was in Menudo. 

Anyway back La Vida Loca...my life is very crazy at the moment. With the edits for The Golden Dragon's Treasure, heading back to college, thinking about what I really want to focus on education/career wise (because face it, I need a day job), plus my chaotic life in general...well, you can see why this song suits me :)

I read an article the other day how I should pick a subject and keep my blog simply about that. Like I should only blog about my books and being an author. *frowns* I'm so much more than just an author. I'm a canine mom. I'm an editor. I'm a student. I'm a friend. I'm an author. I'm a woman. I wear so many different hats in a 24 hour period so why should I choose one subject for my blog? 

Some of my favorite authors blog about their crazy lives. From their kids to their writing to their spouses, I love reading about how absolutely normal they are. I hope you feel the same way.

My journey is changing. My writing is growing into something new every day. I love seeing these changes taking place. I'm evolving into the woman I was always meant to be.

For those who have been asking, Silver and Brady's story is almost ready. I'm working with my editor to make it as perfect as possible before I put it out in the world. I've got Book 4 that I'm working on plus a few more surprises for you. I'm busy. I promise you that. I do take a little downtime for myself, but not this weekend! This weekend is all about edits :)

I hope everyone has a happy Labor Day weekend! Please be safe! I like drinking as much as anyone, but please don't drink and drive or drink and boat. I'd miss you too much if you weren't here!

The Universe Is Speaking, So Shut Up and Listen

Yeah, I'm having one of those weeks. You know the week...where nothing seems to go right? Where nothing makes sense and you feel like you're drowning? Yep, that's the week I'm having.

After a conversation with my little "sister," I realized that I needed to shut up and listen to what the universe was saying. I knew changes were coming and I knew they would change my life for the better, but at some point, I simply stopped listening.

Our conversation revolved around a lot of things, but the biggest thing was re-creating ourselves. It's a hard process and not to be taken lightly. It's scary and well, I'm not the most brave woman in the world. I need to let the old ideas of who or what I'm supposed to be fall away so I can emerge from the cocoon I've been in.

I started by pulling out some old notebooks. When my grandmother died in 2000, my world was thrown off its axis. She and I had spent a lot of time together. I considered her more of my mother than the woman who gave birth to me. I started keeping notes of my dreams and thoughts that popped into my head on any given day.

At some point, I had put the notebooks away and stopped journaling. Last year, I lost my dad. After Grandma died, my father and his PTSD became a HUGE focus. There were days where keeping him going was all I could do. Without my father to worry about or focus on, the universe decided to say, "Okay, now you're ready to listen to me, right?" My re-creating has been happening all along, but now I've got to take the next leap and it scares me to death. I can do it! I know I can. I'm just a big old scaredy cat! LOL

I'm still writing and I'm still moving forward with my writing career. The edits for The Golden Dragon's Treasure are in my inbox as I write this. I have several projects I'm working on so you'll be hearing a lot from me in the future :) Hopefully, the changes will reflect in my writing as I grow, stretch my wings, and learn to fly. Hell, Dad used to tell me to shoot for the moon. The worst that could happen is I will land among the stars.