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| Photo by Gemma K. Murray |
I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love…
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I was at the lowest point of my life. My depression made it
hard to breathe. Merely going through the motions, I tried to find myself. My
anxiety whispered hateful things. I made myself get out of bed every day, even
if it was only for the dog’s sake. I hated myself. I despised my life. I was
barely alive.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I was determined that if only… If only, I had an education.
If only, I could open the car door. If only, I could climb the steps to that
classroom. If only, I could make it
through this class. If only, I could find a reason. If only, I remembered to
breathe.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I was sitting in the dark classroom that September day. I
had made the drive. I had opened the car door. I had made the walk to the
building. I had climbed the steps to get inside. I sat down in a hard wooden
chair. My anxiety was rising higher. I put in my earbuds and turned on some
music. I closed my eyes.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I felt another presence. I slowly opened my eyes. There you
were. You were larger than life. Your smile lit up the darkened room. Your eyes
danced. I laughed. I really truly laughed from my soul. I hadn’t laughed like
that in a long time. You spoke.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I had a focus. If only, I could make it to the next class
period. And the next. And the next. You touched me. Repeatedly. I remembered to
breathe. My anxiety fell. My depression buried itself. I didn’t hate myself as
much. I laughed with you. I smiled sincerely.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
But there you were. Time and again. We were drawn to each
other. We spoke. Memories, family, childhoods, we shared them with each other.
I opened my heart to let love peek out. You flung the door wide. I looked into
your whiskey-colored eyes.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
You promised to hold my hand. “If I say ‘Jump,’ then we
jump. Okay?” you said. I still don’t know why, but I agreed. I trusted you. I
don’t trust easy. I’ve been hurt too often. One moment with you and trust
flowed through me.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
You told me you missed my “beautiful smile.” I’d never been
told that before. You focused on one of my biggest flaws. You saw beauty in the
brokenness. You hugged me. You held on tighter. You held on longer. You didn’t
notice the fat beneath your long fingers. You didn’t notice the bulges beneath
your strong hands.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
I made small changes. You noticed. You flirted. I flirted
back. You gave me a nickname. You shared things you read. We spoke of politics.
We shared ideas. You walked with me. You put your hand in the small of my back.
You waited for me. When you couldn’t, you watched for me. You made sure I was
okay. You understood my need.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
You smashed the records in my head. “You’re too stupid!”
“You’re too old!” “You can’t do this!” “You don’t belong here!” You broke them
to bits with your soft words. “You’re not stupid,” you told me. “You are like
me. You don’t understand.” You took the tears from my eyes. You brought me
laughter to replace them.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
My spirits were lifted. I began to enjoy my life. Things
changed for me. I wasn’t hearing the anxiety- fueled messages anymore. I didn’t
flinch when you touched me. In fact, I began to crave your hands. You would
share my coffee. You were outrageous. You softened my hardened edges.
I didn’t mean to fall in love…
But here I am. Head over heels. Ass over teakettle. Madly.
Deeply. Passionately. Crazy about you. Balls deep. Heart wide open. Freely
given. Freely accepting. Believing. Dreaming. Tears falling. Breathing.
Thriving. In love with you.
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