Step into the Mind of an Overthinker...

I had a blogpost all set to go entitled "It's Not Easy Being Me...", then I put it aside and thought about it. Okay, I overthought about it and pressed the delete button.

This is my problem: I tend to overthink. Every. Single. Thing. I'm talking about things that happened back in high school. Things that happened 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks, 10 days, 10 hours, 10 minutes, 10 seconds ago. I replay every little detail and pick it apart, telling myself that I am an idiot for the things that I've done or said.

Truthfully, very few people from high school remember me and those who do only remember the quiet girl who always had her nose in a book. If I knew you 10 years ago, then I am a much different person than I was then. I behaved much differently and was more unhappy than I have ever been. I know people rarely think of the things I've said or done, but the introvert in me believes she is the most awkward person out there.

Let me give you a shining example of my awkwardness: Mr. Charismatic Smile (from my math class?) sat beside me one day and said "I'm not getting this." It was a pretty basic algebra problem so I attempted to explain it. Now, I could have said simply "What you do to one side, you have to do to the other", then showed him the way to do it. Instead, what came out of my mouth haunts me to this day. I said, "Think of the problem as a menage a trois. What you do to one, you have to do to the other." Yup, that's me! Don't ya just love it?

This is what led to this blogpost. I'm an overthinker. I tend to second guess every move I make until the moment has passed. (Now, I can tell you that the above explanation led to a very interesting conversation that went WAY off the algebra trail and probably told Mr. Charismatic Smile more about me than he needed to know, however, I keep thinking that he had to have thought I was an idiot. He didn't, for the record, but still...) 

I have received the rights back to both of the books in the Cedar River series. I've been re-designing the covers myself. (Are they good enough? You aren't talented enough! You're an idiot!) I've been re-reading the books, deciding what needs to be fixed/added/removed. (You're a hack! You'll never make it as an author! Give up the dream!) With the books being removed from the various online book sellers, the reviews have come down. (No one will ever want to review those pieces of trash again. You're lucky they reviewed them the first time! HACK!) I had some very lovely reviews written about these books. I've had one horrible one. Care to guess which one I dwell on? Bingo! The horrible one!

My ability to overthink everything has me second-guessing every move I make, every word I say, and every path I take. I'm beginning to think of this particular "gift" as a talent. I know people who overthink, but to this degree? This has to be a special talent in and of itself.

I try my usual tricks when I can't shut my brain down. I meditate. I burn candles. I light incense. I walk barefoot in the yard (which is dangerous with an English Mastiff). I attempt to write, then delete every word because it isn't good enough. I cry. I rage. I decide to never write again. I open my journal and write it all down, then I cry some more.

Commiserate with me! Are you an overthinker? How do you cope? Any secrets? Better yet...wanna share your awkward moments with me? Let me know that I'm not alone? You can even email them to me. I won't tell a soul, I promise!

Embracing My Darkness

Hemingway once said:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
Now, I know I'm no Hemingway, but I love his work. I understand the demons that are said to have tormented him. You see, I know a lot of authors who sit down, write, and walk away. Sure they get ideas at the most inconvenient times, like while they're taking a shower, driving kids to practices, or while they are attempting to go to sleep. Many of these same authors can set the mood with very little effort. They simply put their ass in a seat and write. Oh, if only it were that simple for me.

My writing process is quite different. I have playlist upon playlist of music to listen to in order to get my mind in the right space. Candles are usually lit and incense wafting through the air. And silence...total silence with no disturbances or interruptions. Then, I step into the darkness of my mind.

My mind is a scary place most days. Most of my story ideas come from my dreams. I dream in full color with my feet on the ground. Yes, vivid colors. And they stick with me for days...even years. Until I take the time to write them down. And once I step into the darkness, it can take days for me to step out of it. Especially if I dive into the realm of my nightmares...where the monsters reside. I had a nightmare for about 5 years. The same one every time. I got tired of it and sat down to write it out. I listened to very dark metal as I wrote and sank into a depression so deep that I thought I'd never emerge. And it scared me.

What scared me is that I went to a place that I never dreamed was possible! I mean, for a long time, all I wrote was light, romantic stories. No heavy back story. No darkness. Just the pretty stuff, ya know? Then, Cedar River came into being. I wrote and wrote what I saw in my dreams. I watched Ana and Bowie become "real". I watched the community come to life and with it more stories. I remember my ex read the dark scenes and merely looked at me with an astounded look, asking, "Where in hell did that come from?" He had no idea what lived in my mind. The fact of the matter is that I could've gone darker, but didn't. After all, my dream was to be a romance author. Not paranormal. Not urban fantasy. Not horror. Romance, sweet and simple.

I never thought I had what it took to write about the darkness that resides in me. Most people who know me wouldn't believe I knew of the bogeyman or demons that hide in the darkness. So, I push it all aside until it builds to a place where I either let it swallow me whole OR I write it all down for the world to see. I choose to write it down and let my demons out to play. The problem now is that I've kept them locked up for a while and they're scratching at the gates of my soul, begging to be released. If I don't let them out soon, they may just consume me. And I prefer to avoid that, if at all possible.

So, while I'm still working 7 days a week and catching up on my housecleaning, I'm also opening up the Word documents I've kept locked up, lighting the incense and candles, and turning on my music. I'm trying to embrace my darkness. Attempting to draw on it to fuel my muse, but not allowing it to consume me...that's the trick. Feed the muse, write the stories/scenes, walk back into the light and survive...seems like a good plan.

This Writer's Process

In my previous post, I told you how my writing has been sporadic at best due to some circumstances. However, I was able to sit down and type my little heart out last night. What came out amazed me and made me smile.

My process may be similar to others, I'm not sure since I've never compared notes. I dream my stories. I mean full on vivid colors, walking on solid ground, movie-type story. And this dream stays with me for days on end until I sit down and write out the scene. I'm lucky that way.

When I am able to take the time, I sit down and pop in my earbuds. Each book has a playlist of sorts, if not, then I turn on my Pandora radio and find the appropriate station. Between Frank Sinatra, Nickelback, 80s Romance, Jason Aldean, and Cher, I have songs for every mood and book. I turn the volume up and let the music carry me away. Then, the magick happens. The story pours out all over the keyboard. My fingers are just the instruments that carries the story to my computer. When I feel exhausted, I save the document, read over what I've written, and walk away. I'm usually limp as a wet dishrag when I'm finished, but I feel good. I don't try for a particular word count or chapter count. I write until I can write no more. Whether it's 100 or 2500 words, as long as I've written something, I'm good.

Now, yesterday I posted a status on my FB page. I let my readers know that I had hit the 7,000 word mark on my current story (which is not part of the Cedar River series). I also shared a picture to give people a  hint of the story.

Art by Graphic Artist Cindy Grundsten

This is the picture that inspired the story I am working on. In my mind, this is Manannan Mac Lir, Irish sea diety. I've let the idea stew and bubble long enough. It had to come out and I am in love with it so far. The two stories I'm working on are about his children with a human woman. Calypso's story is the first one and Mac's will follow when he's ready :)

Anyway, I promised people a peek at what I'm working on so here's what I have for you. Remember: It's unedited and all rights belong to Gemma K. Murray (2013).

Tell me what you think so far. It's kind of sexy to write about a sea god!

NOTE FROM GEMMA: I had this blurb up for a week and have since removed it. I'll only leave the tease up for so long :)