Who You Are...

Do you know the exact moment it happened? The very moment that you became the person you are? Do you know when it occurred? 

I believe we are always evolving and changing, but I also knew the moment where I became the woman I am...the very core of who I am.

It was a difficult day and I knew there would be no return to who I had been. The day when I had the rose-colored glasses yanked off my eyes and I saw the world as it was. It was the day when I realized that come what may in my life, I'd never face a moment like this one again. Nothing as difficult as this moment.

I remember the smell of the office, the feel of the table under my fingers, the way my breath caught and my heart broke, and the rage I felt at the very kind man who was doing his best to help a broken-hearted woman. I can't imagine doing his job on a daily basis!

It wasn't the day I found messages from my now ex-husband to another woman. It wasn't the night I got the phone call telling me my dad had passed away. It happened while I was sitting in a conference room in lower Michigan, attempting to find a way to honor the man I loved more than life itself. The day I had to plan my dad's cremation.

I looked at the man sitting beside me, who knew the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I knew this is where our journey together ended. No matter what happened from this moment on, I was walking this path without him. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my father, but the death of my marriage as well. The other man sitting with me wanted to help in every way, shape, and form to make this as easy as possible. He took notes and wrote down the things that came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, he didn't do my father justice. I had intended to write my dad's obituary myself, but I just couldn't.

That day I knew I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I didn't need the man who was holding my hand, trying to console me. I was on my own! The one person I had relied on from the beginning was gone and, from here on out, I was never going to be the same person. 

And I'm not. I'm strong. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not sure I'd recognize the woman I was before. I'm pretty certain she and I wouldn't have been friends. This new and improved version is walking barefoot along this stone path, relishing the calluses that have formed. The softness and naivete are gone. The uncertainty has disappeared. There is a sureness in each stride. Confidence is a more consistent friend. 

Maybe I needed this day to happen. I miss my dad dearly every day! However, if I hadn't had to plan his cremation, I wouldn't be where I am. I would still be stuck in a place I didn't want to be in. And I really love where I am at this moment! 

Some News to Share...

Hello! I hope your New Year is going well so far. I have a few pieces of news:

1) My contract with Leap of Faith Publishing is coming to an end. What does this mean? Well, it means that I am getting the rights back to my books. Keeper of the Golden Dragon's Heart and Natural Born Enemies will be pulled from the sites they are currently on. I am going to re-edit them and fix the mistakes that were previously overlooked as well as create new covers for them. I'm not sure when they'll be available again, but I will be working hard to make them available to you as soon as possible!

2) To go with the new self-published versions of these books, I am also creating a new website. I want to be able to use pictures I've taken of the areas that inspired the Cedar River series and this affords me the option to bring that piece of the world to you in a more stream-lined fashion. What does this mean for this particular blog? I'm not sure at this point. I adore Blogger and may just keep the blog here.

3) As for the Gemma K. Murray name...I did consider a change to my author name, however, I chose this name for a reason. I have so many things that would have to change to accommodate a different name and I just don't think it is a reasonable thing to do. So, whenever the books are re-released, you will find them under the same author name. 

If I am not willing to do the work to make my dream come true, how can I trust someone else to do so? I can't. This is why I'm doing everything I can to put books out that I am proud of. From the covers to the words inside, they will be my creations. This means that I am stepping into different territories to make the products I give you the best they can be. I'm learning to edit photos and create covers. I'm building a website. I'm working very hard and I want you to be happy with the changes that are being made.

I'll still be blogging here and keeping you apprised of the situation as well as how I'm progressing on things. I only ask that you be patient with me.

Fighting the Fear

   

                                                       


I hate to admit it, but I am scared. I am fearful of so many things and I allow them to hold me back. Being insecure is part of my comfort zone. Being insecure is all I've ever known. I meet people with confidence and think, "Wow! How awesome are they?" But to be confident, I'd have to believe I am good at something, that I have something to offer the world, that I matter. And I'm aware that for my life to begin means that I have to step outside of my comfort zone.

I'm scared of failure which I allow to keep me from writing. If I don't write, then I can't fail, right? WRONG!! I'm failing myself by not trying. I'm aware of all of this. However, with my depression weighing on me like a Mack truck, I just wanna throw in the towel. Instead, I write my blog posts. I put all of my feelings out into the universe and release them. I am hoping that my scattered and random thoughts will make sense to the people who need to know they're not alone.

I get up every day and go through the motions of my life. Walk and feed the dog, shower, eat, get dressed, go to work, go home, walk and feed dog, eat, crawl into bed, talk to my sister, and pray sleep comes easily. Some days, I go to bed laughing. Others, I cry until I'm exhausted. And the rest? Well,I allow my brain to run wild and tell me all sorts of horrible things. 

I chuckle as I write this because I have so many people fooled. If you met me on the street, you wouldn't believe that I'm the woman I am. You'd see my smile and think "She's so confident." We'd speak and you'd say to yourself, "She's so friendly." You may overhear a conversation with someone I know and think "She sounds so funny and intelligent." But it is the fear that you are missing.

You're not seeing the fact that it took me two hours to work up the courage to leave the house. You don't notice the white knuckles as I cling to my keys. You've missed the routine of parking in front of the store so I don't have to interact with many people. You don't see the fear behind the smile and the thought process of "Please don't let anyone talk to me!" And gods forbid if someone should reach out to touch me! 

I was in a math class in college two semesters ago. I chose to sit in the back of the class, in the far corner. My nose was in my book. My earbuds securely in my ears until class started. I was getting in my zone. Then, HE walked in. You know, the one guy who has a smile on his face constantly and has such a charismatic personality that you can't help but smile back? Yeah, I got that one. He'd walk into class everyday and he'd want to chat. Being the only other person in class, we'd visit. Then, he did the one thing no one does...he put his hand on my knee and squeezed. Inside, I was losing my shit. Outside, he saw nothing wrong. This continued until I grew used to his touch, then he took my hand. He'd hold it for a brief moment. He always had his hands near mine, fiddling with my binder, twirling my pencil, just being the outgoing man he is. One day, he walk into class, borrowed my notes, returned them and he hugged me! And all the negative thoughts, the panic attack, the "oh gods, he's touching me" thoughts went silent. He just held on. Tightly. I hugged him back and attempted to let go. He did the one thing I never dreamed would happen to me...he held on when I tried to let go. I worked so hard to keep my shit together. I was close to a panic attack, but I didn't have one...until later. I went home from class that day and cried. A panic attack set in when I realized what had happened...I let someone get close enough to feel the rolls of fat on my body, to smell the essential oils I wear as perfume, to smell my shampoo, to notice my breasts aren't perky and perfect. I was petrified that this man would touch me again (and he did...a lot!!!!). He was constantly touching. This was hard for me because I am a person who CRAVES touch. That physical brush of skin against skin, body across body...I yearn for it, but to have a complete stranger (and a beautiful one at that) reach for me first was both amazing and terrifying. 

I am aware that I have lost weight over the last two years. I buy clothes that fit me now and look nice. I don't buy muumuus and large patterned items. I don't dress in all black anymore. Stretch pants and yoga pants are for home use only. I wear jeans and skirts, bright colors, things that reveal and show off my assets. I'm very proud of myself...however, I am still overweight. 

I fear standing out. I don't want people to notice me, but they do anyway. I scurry along the sides of a room like those furry spawns of Satan I hate so much (mice). When someone speaks to me, I often find myself looking around as if I'm thinking "Are you talking to me? Why are you talking to me? Why do you think I should speak? "

I'm scared to allow my voice to be heard. I don't want people to look at me and think "How stupid!" I know I have a brain and common sense. I don't consider myself intelligent though the man from math class thinks I'm smart! 

I'm on a college campus of about 4,000 students on a somewhat daily basis and I rarely speak to anyone. I sit in class with my mouth tightly shut (unless I'm called on) and take notes. Every semester, I will have 1 or 2 people I will speak to on a regular basis, but once the semester is over, I don't talk to them again. In this electronic age, I am more content to keep my earbuds in and my nose in a book for fear of people thinking that I'm too old, too fat, too stupid, too something, to be there.

However, I'm trying. Mr. Charismatic Math Man has me talking to so many different people that I have no choice but to interact. In fact, because of him, I may have made a friend (or two) who I actually text from time to time. I owe this man a debt of gratitude and maybe a plate of cookies.

Learning To Fly

Unless I'm talking about a specific event, you won't often find me posting random thoughts about my childhood. Why? It was a great childhood and I was basically a happy kid, I just prefer to look forward instead of back.

Today, however, I'm going to tell you a bit about me. I grew up on the family dairy farm in southern Michigan. My dad helped my grandparents run it until Dad and Mom took it over in 1977-78. We lived in the farmhouse. Up the hill from me lived my aunt and uncle plus two cousins. My grandparents were literally a hill and a cornfield away. I was the only girl and everyone was certain I would be a girly-girl...growing up with two older boy cousins? Really? Okay, I love dresses and lace much better than I used to, my hair is colored and my nails are always painted, and pink may be more of a favorite color now than ever before. But you will still find me in jeans and t-shirts most day, my Carhartt jacket is a must have, and there is a camouflage baseball hat hanging on the coat hooks just inside my front door.

Okay, enough reminiscing. I am telling you this to show you how I was never what anyone expected me to be. I have never met anyone's expectations of who I am which made me very sad. It was this last year when I was able to step out of the shadow of everyone's expectations and simply realize who I am. It has taken a lot of help on other people's parts to pull me out, but I feel more alive at 42 than I ever did at 22. I am certainly happier now than ever before.

I wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to share it with you all here:

The Girl Who Dared

Once upon a time, there was a girl who dared.

She dared to dream in bright, vivid colors.

She dared to believe that she could climb mountains and touch the sky.

She dared to try anything and showed no fear.

She dared to soar on the wings of eagles.

She dared to march to her own music.

She dared to dance like no one was watching.

She dared to sing like no one was listening.

She dared to pour her soul into her stories.

She dared to believe in the impossible.

She dared to imagine.

She dared to care so deeply about others that she forgot to care just as deeply about herself.

She dared to live with no regrets.

She dared to fall in love every chance she got.

She dared to dream of possibilities.

She dared to be different.

She dared to believe in a love that would be passionate, romantic, and all consuming.

She dared to be a woman who would LIVE.

Then, one day, something happened…she stopped daring. Instead, she grew up and stopped believing she could do any of the things she wanted to do. She stopped living the life she wanted…she didn’t thrive…she merely survived in a world that was cold and uncaring. The world didn’t believe in her and didn’t care if she dared to live her life. The little girl inside the woman curled into a ball and went into a sleep that was quite like death.

One day, the woman realized that the little girl who lived inside of her had the right idea. The woman attempted with all of her might to wake the little girl up…she tried everything she could. The woman had an idea…she whispered in the little girl’s ear “I dare you to live.” The little girl opened her sleepy green eyes with a wicked grin and said, “I dare you right back.” The woman’s grin matched the sleepy child’s as she said, “Welcome back, baby.” Together, the woman and little girl dared to live.

©GemmaKMurray2014

Tomorrow I will be promoting The Golden Dragon's Treasure all day on my friend's, Virginia Nelson, website. Stop over and say hello! I can't wait to see you there!

The Universe Is Speaking, So Shut Up and Listen

Yeah, I'm having one of those weeks. You know the week...where nothing seems to go right? Where nothing makes sense and you feel like you're drowning? Yep, that's the week I'm having.

After a conversation with my little "sister," I realized that I needed to shut up and listen to what the universe was saying. I knew changes were coming and I knew they would change my life for the better, but at some point, I simply stopped listening.

Our conversation revolved around a lot of things, but the biggest thing was re-creating ourselves. It's a hard process and not to be taken lightly. It's scary and well, I'm not the most brave woman in the world. I need to let the old ideas of who or what I'm supposed to be fall away so I can emerge from the cocoon I've been in.

I started by pulling out some old notebooks. When my grandmother died in 2000, my world was thrown off its axis. She and I had spent a lot of time together. I considered her more of my mother than the woman who gave birth to me. I started keeping notes of my dreams and thoughts that popped into my head on any given day.

At some point, I had put the notebooks away and stopped journaling. Last year, I lost my dad. After Grandma died, my father and his PTSD became a HUGE focus. There were days where keeping him going was all I could do. Without my father to worry about or focus on, the universe decided to say, "Okay, now you're ready to listen to me, right?" My re-creating has been happening all along, but now I've got to take the next leap and it scares me to death. I can do it! I know I can. I'm just a big old scaredy cat! LOL

I'm still writing and I'm still moving forward with my writing career. The edits for The Golden Dragon's Treasure are in my inbox as I write this. I have several projects I'm working on so you'll be hearing a lot from me in the future :) Hopefully, the changes will reflect in my writing as I grow, stretch my wings, and learn to fly. Hell, Dad used to tell me to shoot for the moon. The worst that could happen is I will land among the stars.