The Hardest Words to Say

Somebody shared a meme similar to this the other day and I laughed. Out of these 3 things, Worcestershire sauce is the easiest for me to say. "I was wrong" is even easier to say than #2.

I am an "I love you" whore! I tell everyone who matters in my life that I love them, but "I need you"? Those words seldom cross my lips.

Things have been a bit difficult in my life lately. While I have friends to turn to, saying, "I need you" is extremely hard for me to say. I don't want others to hold space for me. Everyone has so much going on in their lives and I feel like my shit is just that...shit.

Now, I know there is at least one person reading this who is thinking that she and I are going to tussle because I will hold space for her no matter what. When everything goes pear-shaped in her life, I will drop whatever I'm doing to be there. When she says, "I need some Boo time," I rearrange whatever I can for her. 

Let's be clear: I have people who will drop everything...IF I would just ask. I just don't ask. My Boo and my Peanut? They'd move heaven and earth for me if I only said, "I need you." 

I like to be needed. It helps me push my drama aside for awhile to focus on someone else. I just hate to need others. For so long, I have lived my life without needing someone to lean on. And needing someone has the connotation (in my mind) of being too weak to handle my shit myself. 

I do know that there is strength in saying the words, "I need you." And when others say those words to me, my first thought is "How can I help you carry the weight that is on your heart?" But my flawed thinking has me believing that if I ask for time or help, then I am being judged for being weak.

Tell me: What words are hardest for you to say? How are you learning to say them anyway?

But I Had a Plan...

Lately, people have been teasing me. It all comes from a place of love, but still... I've been upset with the way my life is going. I had a plan for my life. This is definitely NOT what I had in mind. 

See, I'm a planner. I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was in my senior year of high school when I was asked to write out a timeline of what my life would look like. I had it planned out so very well. From marriage to births of children to anniversary vacations and retirement, I had it all figured out. Care to guess what happened? That's right...it all went south early on! 

I got married. We did it all exactly like we were supposed to. We began to plan for kids, bought a home...then after months of testing and temperature taking, the doctor called to say that for some reason I couldn't have kids...2 weeks after buying our house. It was at that point that the marriage began to fall apart, too. 

Divorce wasn't part of my life plan. Neither was losing my dad or starting over at an age I don't admit to many. Life took turns that I couldn't see coming. 

Most people in my life would tell you that I am a worrier. I like to think of myself as a planner. I like to know where I'm heading and I hate surprises. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I tend to overthink things to death. In some cases, that is not a bad thing. In most other cases, well...


At this age, I had intended on being close to having my house paid off...not renting. I was going to be sending my kids off to college. I was going to have my degree and be working my dream job, not working retail, hoping to make enough to pay my bills every month.

I was talking to one of my co-workers the other day. She's around my age and in a similar dilemma. She didn't expect to be the place she's in at this age either. Neither of us dreamed we'd be starting over at this age. We had similar dreams. Being married, celebrating years of happiness like our parents did. Owning our own homes with big family holidays and everybody gathered around our tables. Not starting over, hoping to find those special someones to love our broken, scarred, and battered hearts. Not renting our homes and dealing with landlords. And we both certainly expected to be in better economic situations than we are in.

It made me feel good to know I wasn't alone in this situation. And this is how the idea for this blogpost came to be. If you're having the same thoughts or feelings, please know that you are not alone. Whether you're in the middle of starting a new life, dealing with empty nest syndrome, or simply attempting to figure out the next step, you are definitely not alone in this. An author friend once told me, "When you find yourself sitting in a dark room and you're feeling all alone, reach out your hand. I'll be right there to hold on with you until the light returns."

Where I am is not where I intended to be, however, everyone keeps telling me that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I have no clue. Maybe I'm here to be a blessing or a lesson to someone else or maybe I'm the one who will be blessed or taught a lesson. I don't know, but...

I had a plan...dammit!

Who You Are...

Do you know the exact moment it happened? The very moment that you became the person you are? Do you know when it occurred? 

I believe we are always evolving and changing, but I also knew the moment where I became the woman I am...the very core of who I am.

It was a difficult day and I knew there would be no return to who I had been. The day when I had the rose-colored glasses yanked off my eyes and I saw the world as it was. It was the day when I realized that come what may in my life, I'd never face a moment like this one again. Nothing as difficult as this moment.

I remember the smell of the office, the feel of the table under my fingers, the way my breath caught and my heart broke, and the rage I felt at the very kind man who was doing his best to help a broken-hearted woman. I can't imagine doing his job on a daily basis!

It wasn't the day I found messages from my now ex-husband to another woman. It wasn't the night I got the phone call telling me my dad had passed away. It happened while I was sitting in a conference room in lower Michigan, attempting to find a way to honor the man I loved more than life itself. The day I had to plan my dad's cremation.

I looked at the man sitting beside me, who knew the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I knew this is where our journey together ended. No matter what happened from this moment on, I was walking this path without him. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my father, but the death of my marriage as well. The other man sitting with me wanted to help in every way, shape, and form to make this as easy as possible. He took notes and wrote down the things that came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, he didn't do my father justice. I had intended to write my dad's obituary myself, but I just couldn't.

That day I knew I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I didn't need the man who was holding my hand, trying to console me. I was on my own! The one person I had relied on from the beginning was gone and, from here on out, I was never going to be the same person. 

And I'm not. I'm strong. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not sure I'd recognize the woman I was before. I'm pretty certain she and I wouldn't have been friends. This new and improved version is walking barefoot along this stone path, relishing the calluses that have formed. The softness and naivete are gone. The uncertainty has disappeared. There is a sureness in each stride. Confidence is a more consistent friend. 

Maybe I needed this day to happen. I miss my dad dearly every day! However, if I hadn't had to plan his cremation, I wouldn't be where I am. I would still be stuck in a place I didn't want to be in. And I really love where I am at this moment! 

Some News to Share...

Hello! I hope your New Year is going well so far. I have a few pieces of news:

1) My contract with Leap of Faith Publishing is coming to an end. What does this mean? Well, it means that I am getting the rights back to my books. Keeper of the Golden Dragon's Heart and Natural Born Enemies will be pulled from the sites they are currently on. I am going to re-edit them and fix the mistakes that were previously overlooked as well as create new covers for them. I'm not sure when they'll be available again, but I will be working hard to make them available to you as soon as possible!

2) To go with the new self-published versions of these books, I am also creating a new website. I want to be able to use pictures I've taken of the areas that inspired the Cedar River series and this affords me the option to bring that piece of the world to you in a more stream-lined fashion. What does this mean for this particular blog? I'm not sure at this point. I adore Blogger and may just keep the blog here.

3) As for the Gemma K. Murray name...I did consider a change to my author name, however, I chose this name for a reason. I have so many things that would have to change to accommodate a different name and I just don't think it is a reasonable thing to do. So, whenever the books are re-released, you will find them under the same author name. 

If I am not willing to do the work to make my dream come true, how can I trust someone else to do so? I can't. This is why I'm doing everything I can to put books out that I am proud of. From the covers to the words inside, they will be my creations. This means that I am stepping into different territories to make the products I give you the best they can be. I'm learning to edit photos and create covers. I'm building a website. I'm working very hard and I want you to be happy with the changes that are being made.

I'll still be blogging here and keeping you apprised of the situation as well as how I'm progressing on things. I only ask that you be patient with me.

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Country...

But you can't take the country out of the girl. At least, that is what the old saying says and I have a feeling that it might be right.

See, I was a farmer's daughter and granddaughter. I was expected to work. Fun was something you did after the work was finished. I wasn't the kid who hung out at the mall with her friends. In fact, my friends seldom wanted to come over because I had chores to do. I was raised with this whole work ethic that you rarely find today. I've got to be doing something or I feel like I'm being lazy. And I HATE being lazy. 

Then, there is this whole country way of thinking. I love those quiet nights of sky watching. The stars filled the skies and shone around the beautiful moon in all the phases. Spending nights inside seems blasphemous to me. However, city living makes it impossible to simply enjoy the stars. When I take Diesel out for his evening walks, I get to observe the stars through the filter of street lights, but I'm also having to listen to the cars drive up and down the street, the buses running past the house, and deal with the neighbors who live too damn close.

I will admit there are  benefits to living in the city: my favorite is I can call for Asian food anytime and it will arrive at my door. (So far that is the only benefit I've noticed...food on demand.)

The other day, I had to take a drive. I was off to look at a different space for Diesel and me to live. I had to leave the big city. On this drive, I left the city limits and hit corn fields. CORN FIELDS and I cried...like literally cried. That is when I realized that I had lived in the city way too fucking long. This year is my second year and I am worn out, depressed, and so much less than I used to be. This new space was in the city, but a much smaller, quieter city. I drove across the bridge into this small town and took a deep breath. It felt as if I'd come home.I didn't get it, but I have decided to keep up my quest for new place in this small town. I would not be far from those back roads when I need to recharge my batteries. And I'd get to take that drive every single day when I return to the big city for work.

I'm a country girl, tried and true. I love being outside in nature. Taking walks through fields or forests is sooooo much better than the city parks. I would trade the smell of bus fumes for cow manure any day. And the country men are better, too, at least for me. They hunt, fish, play in the mud, know how to make things grow, and aren't afraid when their woman orders whiskey neat. 

Once upon a time, I had a boy tell me that he was going to add a level of sophistication to me. I tried. I tried hard. I'm not a sophisticated kind of gal. I don't drink martinis or Cosmos. I drink my whiskey straight, no ice, no water. I had a man tell me that I was his kind of woman because I come from a country background and I'm not afraid to put on some blue jeans and get dirty. He understood where I came from.

I'm a hard-working, hard-playing, hard-loving woman who loves to take a back road drive down a dirt road. And I'm not afraid to admit it! Give me a bonfire with a good bottle of whiskey over a club any night of the week!

What kind of girl are you...country or city? Tell me the benefits from your point of view!

The End...

Today is the final day of 2014. What has this year been like for you?

I saw so many changes occur this year. I lost the last of my original canine kids. I applied to a different college...and got in...twice :) I filed for divorce and ended a 20+ year marriage. I faced financial trouble and got through it. Moved out of the rental home I had shared with my ex-husband for almost 4 years. Moved in with a girlfriend and her family for about a month. Worked as hard as I could to save up money. Moved to a different state with my best friend. Embarked on a journey into a world I knew little about and fell in love with the lifestyle. Started school at a different campus. Hated it. Learned to love it. Was determined to change my major. Decided to stick with my major. Discovered the "real" me and found I REALLY like her...a lot. "Played" in this new lifestyle and learned even more about myself than I could have ever imagined. Met new friends who understand my new life. Finished classes. Finished The Golden Dragon's Treasure!!!! PUBLISHED The Golden Dragon's Treasure!!!!!!! In e-book and print!!!! Decided to change my major...again. Went to a birthday party for a friend and had an absolute blast! Did something I never thought I'd have the courage to do. Got to try something I've never tried before.

These are from the new thing I tried...it was gorgeous!

Met MORE new people! Started a new series! Yes, I am actually putting Cedar River aside for a few days to work on this new series....

As the final day of 2014 gets started in my world, I am currently working on my demons. They have been calling to me and I have begun to sketch out their world. This series will be NOTHING like Cedar River. There will be plenty of kink and loads of sex!! After all...these demons are highly sexual beings with a taste for the BDSM side of life :) Currently, I'm deciding on whether I should publish them under a different name or keep the Gemma K. Murray. In discussions with friends and family, it looks like I will probably publish under a different name. It seems only right. However, we shall see how it works.

So tell me...do you make resolutions? If so, what are yours? Me? I intend to carry on like I have been...learning about me and my kinky side, studying hard, playing just as hard, and loving the life I have!

Have a blessed New Year!

Riding this Rollercoaster

With all of the upcoming changes, including a very big move, I've made a few decisions. The most important was to discontinue the Cedar River Series fan page. I just don't have time to keep up with all of it, go to school, go to work, write, and have a semblance of a life. I'm sorry if that disappoints any of you, but you will still be able to interact with the characters and see their pictures on my author page. I'm trying to keep that going so that you can keep up with what is happening.
Another decision is to "fix" Brady and Silver's story. It's been through the editing process, but I really just don't like this story. It needs something...maybe a little magick, maybe a bit more passion, I'm just not sure yet. Because I'm self-publishing this one, I really hate to put out a book that a) I hate and b) something that isn't up to standard. I have people helping me find the missing heart to this story...people who love these characters as much as you do.
As mentioned above, I am currently in the middle of a big move. The apartment is rented. Most of my things are moved in...all except a few odds and ends, Diesel, and me :)

This boy is my life and his comfort is above and beyond all else my main focus. He's always been a country pup with room to roam and very few neighbors. For the last month, his world has changed by leaps and bounds. His dad moved away. Mom's best friend came to pick up our things and take them away. Mom and Diesel were forced to move in with friends, 3 dogs, 3 cats and 2 teenagers. Now, Mom is moving Diesel into a city apartment with a huge park down the street with her best friend. There are going to be all of these new people flooding into his life and a new way of living that I'm hoping doesn't overwhelm him. Luckily, he's a Mastiff...pretty laid back, roll with the flow.

I'm going to be able to post more once I have my schedule figured out and I can keep you up to date on life, books, characters, and maybe even start bringing my author friends by to visit again.

Thank you for being patient with me as my life evolves into this amazing thing that I simply can't get enough of! This roller coaster is slowing down slightly...just not sure if I'm ready to step off this ride yet :) I'm having a ball!!! Maybe you will bring a new friend or two along for the adventure?

And the World Keeps On Spinning

I promised that this year would be one of changes. I never dreamed that it would mean the changes that are going on. I mean, I knew I would be making changes within myself. There were some shifts that needed to be made. There were some physical changes that needed to happen, too, but I never dreamed of some of the things that are happening would happen.

I finished my classes, got accepted into the college I wanted, and made plans. Then, a friend told me to check into the same program at a different campus. I applied, got in, and made plans...again. Then, my best friend asked me to be his roommate. I get to spend the next 3 years with my best friend. How much fun is this going to be? I mean, seriously. How awesome is it to spend time with the one person who knows every little secret you have, knows how to make you smile when you're down, and brings out the goofiness that resides deep inside of you?

Then, my world went to shit..sorta. The divorce papers were filed and all was well. We were determined to part as friends and so far, so good. The divorce will be final on Monday. And that is okay. But we were on the brink of eviction from our rental and our electric was in danger of being shut off. I was able to keep the power on, but the eviction? Not gonna get any help with that. So, the ex-husband moved out and I packed up the last 20+ years of memories and things. With a more than a little help from my best friend, we got the things out of the house, ready to start a new beginning elsewhere.

For two weeks, I've been living with a friend and her family because I had nowhere to live. I'm lucky I have friends. I really am! I'm working a job that I really do love. I'm not a fan of third shift, but that all changes in about 2 weeks when Diesel and I make the move to a different town, a different state, a brand new home. 

You see? An author's life isn't all glamour, champagne, conventions, and the easy life. In fact, few authors I know have that sort of life.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive, well, and busy as hell. I'm writing when I have the time which isn't often, but I'm trying. Cedar River is alive as well. The new series are coming along at a snail's pace, but coming along. I haven't forgotten about you. Life has just gone crazy. Yet, the world keeps spinning. The world doesn't stop because your life goes to shit or your heart breaks or your world shatters. Life goes on and the world keeps spinning.

Love and blessings to all of you!

Thank You For Allowing Me My Dream

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved to read. She would dive between the pages of a book and indulge herself in the adventures of characters who would become her friends. As she aged, books were her escape. Characters got to rebel, have adventures, and fall in love. She watched one soap opera and the characters there showed her romance, mystery, and intrigue.

One day, she thought "Why can't I create worlds where people have adventures and fall in love? Why can't I be an author?"

And people like you have made that little girl's dream come true.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have read my blog, purchased my books, entered my contests/giveaways, signed up for my newsletter, liked my Facebook pages, and follow me in my pursuit of my dream. The little girl in me never gives up even when I want to throw in the towel. She pushes me back to my blog views, royalty statements, FB likes to show me people believe in me.

Because of you, I get to share my stories with the world. I still have a ton of stories to tell, just not enough hands to type with :) I was joking the other day that I could do so much more if I was an octopus. Four computers, 8 tentacles, and a ton of ideas? Where could that idea go wrong? LOL 

My world is a little crazy and chaotic at the moment, but the little girl in me tells me to focus on my goal (NYT Bestsellers List). So I am taking a deep breath, pausing to thank the gods who have blessed me, and pushing forward. I just need to get out of my own way:)

Thank you for allowing me to keep dreaming!