See, I'm a planner. I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was in my senior year of high school when I was asked to write out a timeline of what my life would look like. I had it planned out so very well. From marriage to births of children to anniversary vacations and retirement, I had it all figured out. Care to guess what happened? That's right...it all went south early on!
I got married. We did it all exactly like we were supposed to. We began to plan for kids, bought a home...then after months of testing and temperature taking, the doctor called to say that for some reason I couldn't have kids...2 weeks after buying our house. It was at that point that the marriage began to fall apart, too.
Divorce wasn't part of my life plan. Neither was losing my dad or starting over at an age I don't admit to many. Life took turns that I couldn't see coming.
Most people in my life would tell you that I am a worrier. I like to think of myself as a planner. I like to know where I'm heading and I hate surprises. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I tend to overthink things to death. In some cases, that is not a bad thing. In most other cases, well...
At this age, I had intended on being close to having my house paid off...not renting. I was going to be sending my kids off to college. I was going to have my degree and be working my dream job, not working retail, hoping to make enough to pay my bills every month.
I was talking to one of my co-workers the other day. She's around my age and in a similar dilemma. She didn't expect to be the place she's in at this age either. Neither of us dreamed we'd be starting over at this age. We had similar dreams. Being married, celebrating years of happiness like our parents did. Owning our own homes with big family holidays and everybody gathered around our tables. Not starting over, hoping to find those special someones to love our broken, scarred, and battered hearts. Not renting our homes and dealing with landlords. And we both certainly expected to be in better economic situations than we are in.
It made me feel good to know I wasn't alone in this situation. And this is how the idea for this blogpost came to be. If you're having the same thoughts or feelings, please know that you are not alone. Whether you're in the middle of starting a new life, dealing with empty nest syndrome, or simply attempting to figure out the next step, you are definitely not alone in this. An author friend once told me, "When you find yourself sitting in a dark room and you're feeling all alone, reach out your hand. I'll be right there to hold on with you until the light returns."
Where I am is not where I intended to be, however, everyone keeps telling me that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I have no clue. Maybe I'm here to be a blessing or a lesson to someone else or maybe I'm the one who will be blessed or taught a lesson. I don't know, but...
I had a plan...dammit!
No comments:
Post a Comment