I believe we are always evolving and changing, but I also knew the moment where I became the woman I am...the very core of who I am.
It was a difficult day and I knew there would be no return to who I had been. The day when I had the rose-colored glasses yanked off my eyes and I saw the world as it was. It was the day when I realized that come what may in my life, I'd never face a moment like this one again. Nothing as difficult as this moment.
I remember the smell of the office, the feel of the table under my fingers, the way my breath caught and my heart broke, and the rage I felt at the very kind man who was doing his best to help a broken-hearted woman. I can't imagine doing his job on a daily basis!
It wasn't the day I found messages from my now ex-husband to another woman. It wasn't the night I got the phone call telling me my dad had passed away. It happened while I was sitting in a conference room in lower Michigan, attempting to find a way to honor the man I loved more than life itself. The day I had to plan my dad's cremation.
I looked at the man sitting beside me, who knew the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I knew this is where our journey together ended. No matter what happened from this moment on, I was walking this path without him. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my father, but the death of my marriage as well. The other man sitting with me wanted to help in every way, shape, and form to make this as easy as possible. He took notes and wrote down the things that came out of my mouth. Unfortunately, he didn't do my father justice. I had intended to write my dad's obituary myself, but I just couldn't.
That day I knew I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I didn't need the man who was holding my hand, trying to console me. I was on my own! The one person I had relied on from the beginning was gone and, from here on out, I was never going to be the same person.
And I'm not. I'm strong. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not sure I'd recognize the woman I was before. I'm pretty certain she and I wouldn't have been friends. This new and improved version is walking barefoot along this stone path, relishing the calluses that have formed. The softness and naivete are gone. The uncertainty has disappeared. There is a sureness in each stride. Confidence is a more consistent friend.
Maybe I needed this day to happen. I miss my dad dearly every day! However, if I hadn't had to plan his cremation, I wouldn't be where I am. I would still be stuck in a place I didn't want to be in. And I really love where I am at this moment!
No comments:
Post a Comment