The Hardest Words to Say

Somebody shared a meme similar to this the other day and I laughed. Out of these 3 things, Worcestershire sauce is the easiest for me to say. "I was wrong" is even easier to say than #2.

I am an "I love you" whore! I tell everyone who matters in my life that I love them, but "I need you"? Those words seldom cross my lips.

Things have been a bit difficult in my life lately. While I have friends to turn to, saying, "I need you" is extremely hard for me to say. I don't want others to hold space for me. Everyone has so much going on in their lives and I feel like my shit is just that...shit.

Now, I know there is at least one person reading this who is thinking that she and I are going to tussle because I will hold space for her no matter what. When everything goes pear-shaped in her life, I will drop whatever I'm doing to be there. When she says, "I need some Boo time," I rearrange whatever I can for her. 

Let's be clear: I have people who will drop everything...IF I would just ask. I just don't ask. My Boo and my Peanut? They'd move heaven and earth for me if I only said, "I need you." 

I like to be needed. It helps me push my drama aside for awhile to focus on someone else. I just hate to need others. For so long, I have lived my life without needing someone to lean on. And needing someone has the connotation (in my mind) of being too weak to handle my shit myself. 

I do know that there is strength in saying the words, "I need you." And when others say those words to me, my first thought is "How can I help you carry the weight that is on your heart?" But my flawed thinking has me believing that if I ask for time or help, then I am being judged for being weak.

Tell me: What words are hardest for you to say? How are you learning to say them anyway?

Life is Good

How is everyone? I'm praying you and yours are all doing well. I'm still standing and counting the blessings that grace my world.

I started a new blog. I celebrated a birthday. I sat in my sadness over the anniversary of my father's death. I've got on with life and taken a deep breath over the opening up of my world again.

I haven't been into an actual store since March and I'm finding that I don't really miss it. I have a local store that I miss, but, in general, I'm just don't care. I order my groceries online and pick them up on my designated day at my designated time. Anything else I need can either wait or I will order it and have it delivered to the house. The dogs love it! They know when their food is delivered and they get so excited to see the boxes. 

Did I tell you I adopted 2 dogs? I don't think I did. My boss and friend knew my heart hurt over losing Diesel. She knew of 2 dogs who needed love, attention, and training. I hesitated simply because neither of them had ever been in the city, let alone a house. I was worried that this would be more than I could handle. I'd managed to train the other dogs because I'd been home full-time. Working full-time would make this dynamic an interesting one. So, just before Halloween 2019, I drove the 30 minutes to pick up these boys. Jaxson is a Jack Russell terrier who hated to be picked up and really didn't want a lot to do with me. Opie, on the other hand, is a blue heeler/border collie mix. (Yeah, energy enough to fuel a small city.) He has been a tryer of my patience. However, he's a good boy who is finally settling into a much more comfy life. Wanna see a picture?

As you can see, they're having an AWFUL time adjusting. LOL The little one is finally learning to snuggle and it just warms my heart. He has been giving kisses and will let me hug him when the mood strikes him. And the big oaf? Well, he's never had an issue with being loved and adored. Walking on a leash? That's a whole different ball game. *eye roll*

Back to the topic of conversation. I have been working through all of this mess, so I'm blessed more than others. With unemployment being a mess and people being out of work, I am so glad to be still working and getting a steady paycheck. I know of small business owners who are being hit so hard right now and it breaks my heart. 

And I've opened up a couple of my Word docs to work on my writing. Don't know how far I'll get, but it feels good to stretch my fingers across the keyboard and let the characters come back to life.

So, tell me, how are you faring? You have all been covered in my prayers and will continue to be covered in them as we test the waters of reopening the country, our states, our cities...our lives. Be safe. Be healthy. Be kind.

Saying "Thank You."

When I started this blog, it was all about my books and I kept my personal life pretty separate. However, I quickly found that my personal life influenced my books, my writing, and oftentimes, my lack thereof.

I get inquiries of a more forceful persuasion from some people who want to know why I'm not writing more and pumping out books. My answer is "Life." Life has this way of just getting in the way and ripping away the muses that fuel the writing that I want to do. I'm not living my best life, I'm surviving, at best. However, I'm still here and I'm working hard. Please be patient with me.

I wanted to thank you for standing by and reading my blogposts. I write these to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head, but I'm hoping they help others feel that they aren't alone in this world. 

My goal in this lifetime is to touch people and to make a difference in their lives. I'm not sure if I'm doing it or if I'm just floating along, but if you're still here and reading my posts, then maybe I'm touching you in some way.

So, on the American day for giving thanks and showing our gratefulness, I want to say "Thank you" for sticking with me on this journey of growth and self-discovery. You support me and lift me up during my darkest hours. I cannot thank you enough for reading these rantings and ramblings.

Bright blessings to you and yours! 

Judge Ye Not...

I had a blog post all written. I was on my soapbox complaining about people who feel entitled to things they cannot afford. It was a good blog post. Except for one thing...I was not being humble OR kind. I was being sort of bitchy...okay, more than sort of.

 

I'm financially frustrated and it was showing. Someone I love and respect read the blog post, told me that it was really good, then said "However, you tell everyone to be humble and kind to one another, but how is this humble or kind? It's neither of those things. You're judging people based on YOUR measuring stick of ethics, morals, and values. Not everyone can be held to your standards. It's not realistic and, quite frankly, it's not right."

I went back and re-read what I'd written. This person was right! (And I HATE to admit that :) ) I was being mean because they're doing things that I don't agree with. They're not harming anyone. They're not doing anything other than what they believe is right. Do I agree with it? No, but it isn't my place to judge.

See, dear readers, I have a purpose for writing this. I could have simply deleted the blog post that I'd written and called it a day. However, I also vowed from Day One of this blog that I would always show you that I am human, that I hurt, that I make mistakes, and I have flaws. I wasn't going to merely show you the highlight reel. I wanted to show you the bloopers and the really bad shit that hits me from time to time. And sometimes I need a kick in the ass to bring me back to the reality of it all.

So, here I am, telling you how human I really am! My morals, values, and ethics aren't without their flaws, but they belong to me and no one else. They are also not the basis on which I should judge the world. If I did that with everyone in my life, I would be more alone than I ever could imagine.

Because I need to be reminded today, always be humble and kind! You don't know someone else's journey or reasoning behind their actions. Love each other! Show compassion and empathy!  And be good to one another!