Changing Your Stars

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately. Mainly about who I am, where I've come from, what it took to get me to this point, that sort of thing.

It was never expected that I would go to college. Financially, it just wasn't possible. My grades were never good enough and, to be honest, I don't think anyone ever expected me to dream bigger. My cousin went to a tech college to get a degree, but he never did anything with it because he made better money at a job that didn't require a degree. 

I remember being in high school and my guidance counselor asked what I wanted to do after high school. I remember saying I wanted to be a nanny. I wasn't thinking too far ahead. I knew I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I never dreamed too far beyond that. I didn't have the traditional 5-year plan, let alone 10-year plan.

When I stepped onto the campus of the 4-year college I currently attend, this is exactly how I felt.

I didn't fit! I felt as if I were being judged by all these people who didn't have a clue about me. And I certainly thought they could tell how old I was by merely looking at me. I felt like I was too old to be in these classes. I felt too stupid! After all, why shouldn't I be able to work 40 hours a week, go to classes full-time, study, AND pass with amazing grades? I set myself up for complete and utter failure! And I felt completely alone in this world, which certainly didn't help me.

The worse I did in my classes, the more depressed I became. And the cycle was vicious! I had to work to pay my bills, but I needed to study to pass my classes. I didn't know how to balance it all! I lost my way and wandered along my Life's path, disoriented, depressed, and failing at everything.

I knew I was meant for more. My heart told me I was meant for more. And my mind needed more stimulation than I was getting at my job. That meant I HAD to stay in school. But I HAD to follow my heart, my passion, and tune out those who had no stake in my future.

"A Knight's Tale" is one of my favorite movies (if you can't tell) and this line has been my mantra for a long time. I just didn't realize it's significance until recently.

If you know anything about sailors, they always used the stars to direct them on their journeys. Stars showed them directions and the constellations, depending on the seasons. Stars showed them where they were and if they were headed in the right direction.

I was set on the road to being a wife and mother, but I was unhappy! I longed for more. I craved more. I needed to change my stars. I had stopped looking up to find my spot on my journey. When I finally stopped for a moment and took a glance at the sky, I realized I had lost my guiding star. So, I had to take a step back and study the stars and their alignments. It took me some time, but I trust my ship is moving in the right direction, following the northern-most star, and heading to the most fabulous destination I can imagine.

Returning to the Yellow Brick Road

I've been so busy the last few months. Working as much as possible, planning for my inevitable return to college, re-examining my life. I'd lost sight of a few things.

See, when my former roommate moved out, I kept everything in boxes, scared of making this place a home. I'd been residing here, but not living. I've been searching for a new place where Diesel and I can start over. However, I hadn't truly been "in" this space in a long time. I hadn't made it mine again. Instead, I was trying to find greener pastures. Sometimes finding greener pastures starts by watering and tending to your own.

Not my actual boxes!!

My mom is coming for a visit. Ashamed of how bare my house looked, I unpacked a few boxes. Then, a few more. I spruced up this space in which I reside. I opened curtains and let the sunshine in. I stepped out of my comfort zone and reclaimed this space as mine. I am finished with mourning that which was never meant to be. I've let go of so much baggage (and I don't mean physical shit).

By doing all of these things, I've found myself back on the yellow brick road. With the start of college around the corner, I'm feeling optimistic. This is the first time back on that campus since I started listening to my own heart. It is a whole new chapter! I've felt like I was going around and around in circles on this journey, looking for a lesson or sign. I've been wandering around lost and confused.

These are a bit more to my liking!!

Home isn't a place! It's the people who reside inside the four walls. My house is a home because I make it so. All who enter here should feel welcome and loved. But it all has to start with me! If I don't walk through the door to my own house and feel welcomed and loved, why should anyone else? And I can't find a new place to call home until I learned to define what home truly is! I've written so many posts about my childhood home and how the people who I called family made my home...well, home. The problem is that I forgot I was part of that equation, too. I've been trying so hard to recreate that feeling and I've lost sight of the fact that I helped make that house a home, too.

I've been told so long that my gut is wrong. Guess what? It isn't! I listened to others for far too long and let doubt cloud my reasoning!

Look! Just over the hill! Do you see it? That green glow from below? It's the Emerald City! I'm finally back on the right path!

My journey is far from over. I'm still my own worst enemy. I'm bound to take a bad turn every now and again. The Wicked Witch is still certain to send her flying monkeys after me. Glinda is still being the evasive bitch she has always been. I've still got the Tin Man, Toto, the Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow beside me as my companions. Unfortunately, they have their own lessons to learn as we journey on and won't always be beside me. However, together? Together, we can conquer anything!

My Christmas Wish...

This is the last and final post I will make for the holiday. I want to thank you for coming along on this journey of memories, hopes, dreams, and wishes. I've regained some of my holiday spirit and that is in a big way due to you, my readers.

If you had stopped reading these posts, I would probably have stopped writing them. I lost followers on Facebook over these posts, but you know what? I don't really care. I usually make one blog post a week...if I remember. This is the first time I have posted on a daily basis and I've really loved it. I've got to stroll down memory lane with you and let you see into my world. I've noticed my posts involved a lot of delicious food, lots of family, loads of laughter, and so much more love than a heart can hold. I've stopped to count my blessings along this journey and I've realized that there wasn't one of these posts that was really about the material things the holidays brings us. It was all about the magick that makes the holiday special.

So, I am going to leave you with this wish: May you and yours be healthy and happy! May you find the courage you need to live out loud. May you always believe...in yourself, others, the world, and magick. May you know how to get back up when life knocks you down. And may you find happiness in even the darkest moments! Merry Christmas from my house to yours!

Blessings and Love

I was raised in a home where, no matter how much or how little we had, blessing others was a given. The belief was if you blessed others, then you'd be caught up in a storm of blessings. I can see the point to that, honestly. After all, I was taught that you never knew when you'd be entertaining unawares.

This is the problem though: so many people are preaching to others about how their religion is the right one, yet so many have forgotten about the blessing without conditions. And when it comes to entertaining angels, have they stopped to think that the homeless man or woman may be that angel, but what about the fact that your child could also be that angel? I know people who become so wrapped up in "serving" the church and community that they forget that they can serve their gods by being dedicated parents, too. The homeless man deserves your respect just as the elderly couple in your church do, but...so do your parents, grandparents, children.

I know people who profess their religion, but don't live it. They gossip ferociously about the woman who shows up to Sunday services in a disheveled state, but they don't see that she has worked the night shift at a job she hates, but still shows up to thank her God for his blessings. These same people will give their time to the community events, but skip their kids' football games because they "don't have the time." They will offer to mow the yards or shovel the driveways of the elderly people in their church, but can't be bothered to do the same for their parents who live a block or two away.

As humans, we need to practice the faith of being good to everyone. After all, who is to say that the angel in your life isn't your mother, your son, your spouse, or your grandparent? Blessing others isn't a hard thing to do. But we are so determined that it is about blessing the people outside our family/friend units. We forget that they need to be blessed, too.

See that is the cool thing about love and blessings: they multiply when you give them away. But it multiplies tenfold when you bless those you love. They don't ask for too much too often. Sometimes it is simply a phone call to see how they are. Or maybe it is a couple of hours cheering them on. Or maybe even taking a plate of baked goods to them and visiting for an hour or so.

Why do we find it so hard to bless the world, but we forget the people in our families who need the blessings as well? What if when you get to the gates of wherever you're going after you die and you discover that the only religion needed to enter that space was one of blessings and love?

My Own Worst Enemy

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.

Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.

The chances, the changes are all yours to make.

The mold of your life is in your hands to break.

J. R. R. TOLKIEN, The Hobbit

If you know me and have read any of my previous blog posts, then you know I've been on a journey of self-discovery over the last few years. It seems as if I've been on this journey for my entire life, but I was content to settle down in one place every now and again as I've traveled this road.

The last few weeks...hell, the last few years, I've been making decisions on what I want. I've ignored the call of the universe. I've stopped listening to the gods and nature. I even stopped listening to my own heart. I am a very practical person who tends to use her head first and hope her heart follows. And that, readers, is how I've ended up here. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be. I hate to think I've been wasting time. That would be horrible for a frugal person to do...waste things. But I was told to look at it as I was taking my time... taking the long way around to get to the exact spot I needed to be.

My mom sent me an email over my birthday and this is what she said: "Life started out rough for you and you've always been a fighter ever since. I was never sure if you weren't ready for this world (coming breech and being born caesarean) or you decided that  you weren't going to do things like every one else." A fighter determined to do things her own way...hmmm, not bad, right? Until you get used to fighting to get over the mountain in front of you that you miss the path beside the mountain that will take you around it instead of over it. 

I laugh as I write this blog post because I'm feeling like the Nine who chose to go into the mines of Baradur and to the "safety" of the dwarves when Saruman attacked them on the snowy mountain in Lord of the Rings. I'm not sure which character I am at the moment. The frozen little Hobbits (Frodo, Sam, Merry, or Pippin), the lovely elf, impenetrable by the cold (Legolas), the sturdy dwarf (Gimli), the wise wizard (Gandalf), or the strong men (Boromir or Aragorn). (Can you tell I'm a Tolkien nerd?) Or maybe I'm the lowly Gollum/Smeagol who is determined to be his own worst enemy. The one whose eyes are so set on the one ring to rule them all that he loses sight of himself. Yeah, that might be.

So often we start off on a journey and we are so focused on the destination that we forget that the journey is where all the fun lies. With that being said, I'm making life-altering decisions, paying attention to my compass (my heart) and letting it lead me where i need to go. It is time for the romantic side to be in charge for a while, let the mind catch up.

I hope you'll all follow me on my journey, stop and visit as I pass by, maybe even walk with me for a while if you'd like. I'd love the company.