Not all those who
wander are lost;
The old that is
strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not
reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire
shall be woken,
A light from the
shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be
blade that was broken,
The crownless again
shall be king."
If you know me at all, then you know this is one of my
favorite quotes. It comes from the Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien.
I've had a rough week. Something fell into my lap at the
most opportune time, but for what ever reason the universe has, it didn't work
out. It would have been a dream come true, but alas, it wasn't mine to have. I
fell apart. I posted on my personal wall and got the normal "Keep
positive," "When one door closes...," and "It will be
alright," from people. The words help because they came from people who
care about me and want me to be happy. But the ache in my chest was of sheer
disappointment. Truly, I was disappointed in myself. Maybe I said the wrong
thing. Maybe I didn't look right. Maybe there is merely something wrong with
me. My overthinking was destroying me. So, I paused for some reflection.
I found this quote on the internet one day and it struck me
to the very bone.
Then, I remembered Tolkien's words. This fulfillment of my
dream glittered like a lake on a sunny day, but it wasn't golden. It wasn't
perfect. It merely was. And as lost as I felt, I'm not lost. I'm wandering on
my journey. (I'm going to mix my stories here, bear with me.) The yellow brick
road is still beneath my feet. Toto is still faithfully by my side. Tin Man,
Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow are walking with me, even if it is only in spirit.
After all, they have their own journeys to take. The flying monkeys are trying
to get to me, but they will only succeed if I allow them.
This dream is mine and mine alone. The fulfillment will
happen when it is supposed to and not a moment before. I need to improve myself
and be the best me that I can be so that when the perfect opportunity arrives,
I'll be ready. I've got some plans in place and I'm working on what I need to.
Unfortunately, it will mean saying my goodbyes to places and people who are a
major part of my life. It is time for ME to be the major player for a change.
I've let others take over the spotlight so I didn't have to worry about it. I
hate being the center of attention, but in my own life? How sad! This is my
life and I need to live it for me! Not for my friends and family, a job, or
anyone else. I've been so focused on others that I've lost track of myself.
I've let others dictate how things are going to work and while I've been so
busy helping others with their journeys, I've gotten lost in the shuffle.
I'm taking time to get things adjusted and to focus on what
matters. My passion has been pushed aside to make room for other people and
that just isn't right. The smoldering ember is there, I've just got to find it
under all of this rubble. Bear with me, please! The phoenix isn't reborn from
the ashes into the vision of glorious beauty we envision overnight. It takes
time. And time...well, that is the one thing I still have.
