Sunday, June 12, 2016

My Own Worst Enemy

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.
The chances, the changes are all yours to make.
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.
J. R. R. TOLKIEN, The Hobbit

If you know me and have read any of my previous blog posts, then you know I've been on a journey of self-discovery over the last few years. It seems as if I've been on this journey for my entire life, but I was content to settle down in one place every now and again as I've traveled this road.

The last few weeks...hell, the last few years, I've been making decisions on what I want. I've ignored the call of the universe. I've stopped listening to the gods and nature. I even stopped listening to my own heart. I am a very practical person who tends to use her head first and hope her heart follows. And that, readers, is how I've ended up here. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be. I hate to think I've been wasting time. That would be horrible for a frugal person to do...waste things. But I was told to look at it as I was taking my time... taking the long way around to get to the exact spot I needed to be.

My mom sent me an email over my birthday and this is what she said: "Life started out rough for you and you've always been a fighter ever since. I was never sure if you weren't ready for this world (coming breech and being born caesarean) or you decided that  you weren't going to do things like every one else." A fighter determined to do things her own way...hmmm, not bad, right? Until you get used to fighting to get over the mountain in front of you that you miss the path beside the mountain that will take you around it instead of over it. 

I laugh as I write this blog post because I'm feeling like the Nine who chose to go into the mines of Baradur and to the "safety" of the dwarves when Saruman attacked them on the snowy mountain in Lord of the Rings. I'm not sure which character I am at the moment. The frozen little Hobbits (Frodo, Sam, Merry, or Pippin), the lovely elf, impenetrable by the cold (Legolas), the sturdy dwarf (Gimli), the wise wizard (Gandalf), or the strong men (Boromir or Aragorn). (Can you tell I'm a Tolkien nerd?) Or maybe I'm the lowly Gollum/Smeagol who is determined to be his own worst enemy. The one whose eyes are so set on the one ring to rule them all that he loses sight of himself. Yeah, that might be.

So often we start off on a journey and we are so focused on the destination that we forget that the journey is where all the fun lies. With that being said, I'm making life-altering decisions, paying attention to my compass (my heart) and letting it lead me where i need to go. It is time for the romantic side to be in charge for a while, let the mind catch up.

I hope you'll all follow me on my journey, stop and visit as I pass by, maybe even walk with me for a while if you'd like. I'd love the company.

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