It Looks Like We Made It...

As we close out the year, my Facebook feed is filled with people making lists of their accomplishments. People have traveled the world, gotten degrees, published several books, gotten their dream jobs, started their own businesses. All things that are great things! And I am so happy for them all. Then, there's me...I survived!

Yes, that is my great accomplishment for 2018...survival! I know it may not seem like much, but trust me, it has been a feat.

Depression has tried to kick my ass and some days it felt like it would succeed, but it didn't. I'm still here. I have watched my dreams get put aside because Life got in the way. My anxiety has shot through the roof. There were days when I couldn't even think of leaving my house. However, after a day of self-care, I managed to get out in the world again. I cried more tears than I have in a long time. I've hated myself, my life, and everything in between. However, I've also managed to fall in love with certain aspects of myself and laughter managed to wipe out the tears. And my dreams? Well, we'll see what comes of them. Right now, I'm not expecting much.

2018 has not been the best year on record, let me tell you! I haven't thrived in any way, shape, or form, but I have survived! To be honest, that is more important than anything. If I don't survive, I can never thrive.

So, let me tell you something. A while ago, I wrote about highlight reels and how people are only revealing their best selves on social media. They want the accolades that come with their successes. They don't show you the struggles or the downfalls they've faced.

Life has kicked my ass this year. I'm not being anything other than honest. I've scared the people who love me most. I went darker than I have gone in a very long time. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day and the future me will find her way. People tell me that I have no faith. They're wrong!

Did you have a year where you saw dreams come true and made great strides in your life? That is great! I'm so happy for you! Did this year kick your butt? Are you still breathing and fighting for a better life? That is awesome! I'm proud of you!

I am praying that 2019 will be a better year. I hope I can find my lost path or maybe forge a new one. I hope to thrive and find a few of those long lost dreams coming to fruition. However, if I merely survive, well, that is okay, too! 

I wish you a happy and blessed New Year! Be safe! Be loved!

Yes, You Can!

The other day I posted a blog about the day you became the person you are now. I had something happen this morning that made me realize exactly where I am going! And trust me, it was a bit of a revelation *G*

How many times in your life have you been told that you can't do something? Not the kind of "NO!" that is for your own safety, but the kind where someone doesn't believe you are smart enough, strong enough, or simply enough. I've encountered this more times than I care to count.

I was sent this last night. If you know me, you'll know that my faith is a mishmash of a lot of various faiths. However, this one spoke to my heart to the point that I was beyond words. 

When I wanted to be a veterinarian, I was told I couldn't because a) there wasn't enough money for college (financial aid wasn't what it is now) and b) my heart was too soft. When I wanted to be a nanny, I was told that I'd never be able to be too far from my family. (That one was sort of true!) When I decided maybe I'd give college a try, I was told that I wasn't ready. I had too many things on my plate and I'd fail. When I actually did start college, I was told that I'd never follow through. I was told that an English degree was a waste of money and I'd never be able to find a decent job. When I wrote, I was told I'd never continue. (I will someday, but right now, it just isn't the right time.) And this morning, I was told that it was interesting that I was still pursuing an English major because I was neither a good writer nor a strong one. 

Well, guess what? I am still here. I'm on the downhill slide to a number I'm not comfortable admitting just yet, but I'm not giving up! I'm still busting my ass and I WILL succeed! I'm a good writer. I'm a strong writer. I'm intelligent and I will accomplish the things I want in this life! I can only get better with all the incredible people who are teaching me, showing me, and guiding me. And guess what? I don't need your approval!

And neither do you! If I can do this, you can, too. Get out there and make your dreams come true! I'll believe in you, if you need me to! 

"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king."

If you know me at all, then you know this is one of my favorite quotes. It comes from the Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien.

I've had a rough week. Something fell into my lap at the most opportune time, but for what ever reason the universe has, it didn't work out. It would have been a dream come true, but alas, it wasn't mine to have. I fell apart. I posted on my personal wall and got the normal "Keep positive," "When one door closes...," and "It will be alright," from people. The words help because they came from people who care about me and want me to be happy. But the ache in my chest was of sheer disappointment. Truly, I was disappointed in myself. Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I didn't look right. Maybe there is merely something wrong with me. My overthinking was destroying me. So, I paused for some reflection.

I found this quote on the internet one day and it struck me to the very bone.

Then, I remembered Tolkien's words. This fulfillment of my dream glittered like a lake on a sunny day, but it wasn't golden. It wasn't perfect. It merely was. And as lost as I felt, I'm not lost. I'm wandering on my journey. (I'm going to mix my stories here, bear with me.) The yellow brick road is still beneath my feet. Toto is still faithfully by my side. Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow are walking with me, even if it is only in spirit. After all, they have their own journeys to take. The flying monkeys are trying to get to me, but they will only succeed if I allow them.  

This dream is mine and mine alone. The fulfillment will happen when it is supposed to and not a moment before. I need to improve myself and be the best me that I can be so that when the perfect opportunity arrives, I'll be ready. I've got some plans in place and I'm working on what I need to. Unfortunately, it will mean saying my goodbyes to places and people who are a major part of my life. It is time for ME to be the major player for a change. I've let others take over the spotlight so I didn't have to worry about it. I hate being the center of attention, but in my own life? How sad! This is my life and I need to live it for me! Not for my friends and family, a job, or anyone else. I've been so focused on others that I've lost track of myself. I've let others dictate how things are going to work and while I've been so busy helping others with their journeys, I've gotten lost in the shuffle. 

I'm taking time to get things adjusted and to focus on what matters. My passion has been pushed aside to make room for other people and that just isn't right. The smoldering ember is there, I've just got to find it under all of this rubble. Bear with me, please! The phoenix isn't reborn from the ashes into the vision of glorious beauty we envision overnight. It takes time. And time...well, that is the one thing I still have.