It Looks Like We Made It...

As we close out the year, my Facebook feed is filled with people making lists of their accomplishments. People have traveled the world, gotten degrees, published several books, gotten their dream jobs, started their own businesses. All things that are great things! And I am so happy for them all. Then, there's me...I survived!

Yes, that is my great accomplishment for 2018...survival! I know it may not seem like much, but trust me, it has been a feat.

Depression has tried to kick my ass and some days it felt like it would succeed, but it didn't. I'm still here. I have watched my dreams get put aside because Life got in the way. My anxiety has shot through the roof. There were days when I couldn't even think of leaving my house. However, after a day of self-care, I managed to get out in the world again. I cried more tears than I have in a long time. I've hated myself, my life, and everything in between. However, I've also managed to fall in love with certain aspects of myself and laughter managed to wipe out the tears. And my dreams? Well, we'll see what comes of them. Right now, I'm not expecting much.

2018 has not been the best year on record, let me tell you! I haven't thrived in any way, shape, or form, but I have survived! To be honest, that is more important than anything. If I don't survive, I can never thrive.

So, let me tell you something. A while ago, I wrote about highlight reels and how people are only revealing their best selves on social media. They want the accolades that come with their successes. They don't show you the struggles or the downfalls they've faced.

Life has kicked my ass this year. I'm not being anything other than honest. I've scared the people who love me most. I went darker than I have gone in a very long time. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day and the future me will find her way. People tell me that I have no faith. They're wrong!

Did you have a year where you saw dreams come true and made great strides in your life? That is great! I'm so happy for you! Did this year kick your butt? Are you still breathing and fighting for a better life? That is awesome! I'm proud of you!

I am praying that 2019 will be a better year. I hope I can find my lost path or maybe forge a new one. I hope to thrive and find a few of those long lost dreams coming to fruition. However, if I merely survive, well, that is okay, too! 

I wish you a happy and blessed New Year! Be safe! Be loved!

Highlight Reels

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My insecurities and black moods have been bad. I've spent time meditating and getting away from technology. I've even turned off my phone.

I know what you're thinking...if you're depressed, is shutting out the entire world the answer? For me, it is. See, I, like a lot of people, compare my life to everyone else's. This friend has an amazing family life. This friend is having a great time with friends and family. Another friend got a wonderful job promotion. Yet another one bought a beautiful new home. Another is on a vacation with the love of their life. I'm looking at everyone's highlight reels.

Life is made up of all kinds of moments, but we tend to only share the great ones with our online friends. They don't see our struggles, our loneliness, our arguments, or our sacrifices. We don't get to see everyone's blooper reel or behind the scenes moments. 

I'm guilty of the same things. I made the Dean's List, but what you don't know is how hard I've struggled to get there. You don't know that this is the first semester that I haven't been on academic probation since transferring to this school. I got a promotion at work, but you don't see how much I despise going to this job every day or the fact that I often cry when I come home from this job. I post a bunch of things about keeping your faith strong, yet my faith falters constantly. I am not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. 

As proud of myself as I am, I compare my life to everyone else's. I'm not proud that I do that, but I do. No one has walked the same path that I have nor have I walked theirs. They don't know the struggles I've faced nor do they know mine.

I guess my words of advice are these: When I say "Be humble and kind," I don't mean you should be that to only others. Be humble and kind to yourself as well. Not everyone's life is made up of perfect moments. Don't compare your life to theirs. Your journey is your journey. Their journey is theirs. No two lives are the same. No two struggles are the same. Be proud of your life and what has led you to the place you're in. Stand proud! Stand strong! The bad times don't last forever, but neither to the good ones. Life is about learning moments. So, what will you learn from yours?