Changing Your Stars

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately. Mainly about who I am, where I've come from, what it took to get me to this point, that sort of thing.

It was never expected that I would go to college. Financially, it just wasn't possible. My grades were never good enough and, to be honest, I don't think anyone ever expected me to dream bigger. My cousin went to a tech college to get a degree, but he never did anything with it because he made better money at a job that didn't require a degree. 

I remember being in high school and my guidance counselor asked what I wanted to do after high school. I remember saying I wanted to be a nanny. I wasn't thinking too far ahead. I knew I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I never dreamed too far beyond that. I didn't have the traditional 5-year plan, let alone 10-year plan.

When I stepped onto the campus of the 4-year college I currently attend, this is exactly how I felt.

I didn't fit! I felt as if I were being judged by all these people who didn't have a clue about me. And I certainly thought they could tell how old I was by merely looking at me. I felt like I was too old to be in these classes. I felt too stupid! After all, why shouldn't I be able to work 40 hours a week, go to classes full-time, study, AND pass with amazing grades? I set myself up for complete and utter failure! And I felt completely alone in this world, which certainly didn't help me.

The worse I did in my classes, the more depressed I became. And the cycle was vicious! I had to work to pay my bills, but I needed to study to pass my classes. I didn't know how to balance it all! I lost my way and wandered along my Life's path, disoriented, depressed, and failing at everything.

I knew I was meant for more. My heart told me I was meant for more. And my mind needed more stimulation than I was getting at my job. That meant I HAD to stay in school. But I HAD to follow my heart, my passion, and tune out those who had no stake in my future.

"A Knight's Tale" is one of my favorite movies (if you can't tell) and this line has been my mantra for a long time. I just didn't realize it's significance until recently.

If you know anything about sailors, they always used the stars to direct them on their journeys. Stars showed them directions and the constellations, depending on the seasons. Stars showed them where they were and if they were headed in the right direction.

I was set on the road to being a wife and mother, but I was unhappy! I longed for more. I craved more. I needed to change my stars. I had stopped looking up to find my spot on my journey. When I finally stopped for a moment and took a glance at the sky, I realized I had lost my guiding star. So, I had to take a step back and study the stars and their alignments. It took me some time, but I trust my ship is moving in the right direction, following the northern-most star, and heading to the most fabulous destination I can imagine.

A Box Full of Darkness

As most of you know, I've been on this journey. Lately, I've been looking at the things that have gone wrong in my life, either due to my bad judgement or because I allowed the wrong people to take the helm (so bad judgement on my part). I've been counting my blessings and learning to bless others as I walk along the yellow brick road.

Here's a thought: What if the darkest parts of the road where actually the times I was most blessed? Those times when I felt the lowest, I walked the path with hesitancy and trepidation, but I still kept putting one foot in front of the other. It was in those times that I found my strength. It was during those times when I found my determination. It was in the moments when I stumbled and fell, but rolled over for a moment or two to look up at the sky to watch the stars, that I saw the light.

I've always loved the dark. Someone once asked me why I loved the darkness as much as I do. I told them "Because in the daylight, we all put on masks and hide our true selves from others. But in the night, the masks come off and we get to be ourselves. The darkest part of the nightfall is where the freaks play." (Freaks is very much an endearment as I am one of those people.)

I don't know why I think the light of day will guide me and show me what I need to see. Bad things hide in the shadows of the daylight, but in the darkness, well, the true light shines. I look at some of the events of my life and think "Wow, what the hell were you thinking? If only you had taken that right turn at Albuquerque. If only you would have stuck to your guns and not listened to friends. If only you would have followed your heart." Do you know what? If I had taken that right at Albuquerque, not listened to others and followed my own heart, I wouldn't be here, in this place, in this moment, in this time. My path may have been easier, but we don't learn anything when things are easy. The struggle is where we learn who we are and what we are made of. I could have avoided a lot of pain and sorrow, but I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn. I've learned that I do value myself more than I believed, that I'm stronger than I thought I was, that I'm more intelligent than I originally believed, that I am beautiful (maybe not to everyone, but to more than I could have imagined), that I have the right to have crazy colored hair no matter what my age, that tattoos are works of art, but most of all, that I can allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love. 

It is in the darkest times when we truly find ourselves. I don't need people to tell me what I should be studying or where. I don't need to hear that I'm beautiful, intelligent, or incredible. In the darkest times of my life, if I would have listened to my heart, the answers were right there. The stars were the true light, guiding me to my destiny and showing me the path that has been right in front of me all along. 

With this realization in mind, I am putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where this road leads. This time, I'm allowing the stars to light my way and I'm following my heart.