Happy Winter Solstice

Last night, I spent the evening with friends...not just any old friends, but the special type of friends who are more family than mere acquaintances. We had terrific food, filthy and fun conversation, laughs until our bellies hurt, a few tears shed, but we had the most amazing time.

I was reflecting on one conversation in particular. This beautiful friend lost her father at the end of May this year. This is her first holiday season without him. I understand her grief in so many ways. I told her recently how I pick up the phone to dial my dad's number whenever something amazing happens to me, then I lay the phone down because I know he's never going to answer the phone. She's been checking her phone for messages from her dad and realizing he will never call her again. Two women met due to, well...similar interests, yet bonded in so many ways...losing our fathers is merely one of so many.

The conversation we had on the way to the solstice bonfire came back and made me realize that these people, though I haven't known them long, are my family. I don't have to hide who I am, what I believe, or any other thing you can imagine. They accept me for simply being me. They don't judge (okay, maybe a little, but that's okay) me for my faith, my beliefs, my relationship status, or anything else. I think we hug more than most families, too. And I mean those nice long hugs that tell you that these people miss you when you're not around and care about you. That is so nice! I'm such a touchy-feely person. I love to touch and be touched.

My family may not be made up of a mother, father, and siblings. My family is one of friends who are very like-minded. We are accepting of each other's weird little quirks and love each other in spite (or because) of them.

Last night was the only "real" holiday I will spend with family. That is perfectly fine by me since I've had way too many family holidays where I feel like the odd man out. I'm usually the butt of the jokes with my biological family. With my 'self-made' family, everyone gets equal teasing and ribbing, but when we walk away, it's always with a hug and a promise to see each other again soon.

I want to take this moment to tell you this: Family is who stands with you, for you, and beside you. It doesn't have to be people who share the same DNA or bloodline. Your family is those who accept you at your best and love you at your worst. They are the ones who allow you to be zany, off the wall, serious, mournful, loving, and most of all, yourself.

I want to wish you and yours a very Happy Winter Solstice, a Blessed Yule, a Merry Christmas, and most of all, an incredibly wonderful New Year!!!

Learning to Live

Most of you who have been with me for a while know that I'm coming up on a pretty big anniversary. It's been a year since I lost one of the most important people in my life...my dad. That one event threw my world off its axis and I've spent the better part of a year trying to get it back on track.

So here I sit, almost an entire year older and I hope a little wiser. I've been through a lot in the last year, but what I have discovered is that I need to learn how to live. For the most part, I've been simply going through the motions, but I haven't really been living life.
I had a professor this year who told me I need to loosen up, let my hair down, and just have some fun. I sat across from this man who I consider a brilliant man and was dumbfounded. 

He told me I wasn't having fun with my writing. I thought I was having a ball with my writing. I mean, writing is a serious business, right? The good doctor looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Writing is a very serious business, but if you aren't having any fun, then why the hell are you doing it?" This from the Absent-minded professor? (The brilliant man could never remember where we were when it came to writing assignments.) I walked away from this meeting in a different frame of mind...one that really had me thinking.

I put aside what I was working on and put all of my efforts into something new and different. I focused on my blog for school (http://iambeautifulat.blogspot.com) and my algebra homework. I picked up a book I've been wanting to read and delved beneath the pages. I found myself smiling more and laughing with friends. I simply stopped trying to live and actually lived.

School came to an end. I finished my exams and I'm not worried about my grades. Why? Because once I stopped worrying about things, it all began to work. I'm simply letting go.

Yesterday, I got up, popped Nickelback on my MP3 player, tied on my tennis shoes, and went for a walk. I have been having some issues lately and I needed to work them out in my head. A lot of my issues deal with the negative voices in my head. Somebody told me it's a record that I need to stop listening to. So, on my walk, I took the record and smashed the hell out of it. There is no way that record can be put back together.

Somewhere along the way this year, I lost sight of me. I stopped believing in myself and thus, lost my passion. I deserve passion! I owe it to myself and I will damn well have it!

So this is me...I'm letting my hair down, giving a huge rebel yell, and I'm barefooting it for awhile. I'm almost 41. I'm not dead. I'm alive and kicking. This is my year of learning to live!