Monday, May 2, 2016

Losing My Way

Have you ever stopped to notice that life has a funny way of going so far off course, yet it seems to always work out the way it is supposed to? Yeah, I'm still stuck in the Land of Oz, but I'm having a ball. It all seems surreal some days. Others? Well, reality has a way of punching me in the face and showing me how real it all is.

When my marriage began to fall apart, I blamed myself. Hell, he blamed me, too. I was devastated, and yet, I had faith that I'd be alright. And as I was reminded, my faith wavered more than I care to admit. I was ready to walk away from my faith, my spirituality, and my gods. All of this was because I felt betrayed and let down. I hurt and I was hurt, however, I never realized that there was something better out there. My best friend moved out of our rental house and completely wrecked my world. I sank into a deeper depression than I had ever seen before. Deep enough that I never dreamed I'd see daylight again. Betrayal was the tip of the iceberg to what I felt. What faith I had regained, I attempted to walk away from. My gods gave me something rare and beautiful, then it went away. I didn't want to see that it was a gift very few got to hold. And how blessed I was to have had him for the short time I did. I merely went through the motions of living after he left. I was sure I would live out the rest of my life alone. I even had a plan...yeah, I was depressed to the point of wanting to end it all. I kept pushing forward though. I'm not sure why. It was probably the fact that my sister kept on my ass. She listened when everyone else forgot I existed. Because I didn't ask for help, everyone thought I was doing just fine. Hell, most still think I am. They have no idea what I have been through or the memories that haunt me every day. I don't post all of my business on social media for the world to see. I will share things that I may be feeling and I get the general, "Everything will be okay" comment from people. My dog kept me moving. I had to get up and go to work everyday so that he had food to eat. He's the only reason I kept living. He gets me through the rough stuff and is the love of my life. Then, something better (or so I thought) came along. After being hurt consistently and ending up on the floor of his kitchen, my head thrown against the cupboard and being knocked unconscious, I walked away. Even this was a blessed lesson in what I can and will tolerate. As much as I was wanting to end it all, I really didn't want to die. Then, one day, I walked into a class. I was an hour early. Having no internet at home, this was my time to get online. I was actually reading a book when the most amazing thing happened. In walked a man with a smile that was absolutely incredible. Then, he spoke and I felt my heart fall. We would sit and talk. And we discovered we weren't alone. In that moment, we found our kindred spirits.

I write this because I want you to know you're not alone. I write this because I want you to know there is a human being behind this keyboard.

I am still wandering the Yellow Brick Road and some days, it is very golden. Then, I turn a corner and feel like I've lost my way. Under the muck, the overgrowth, and the darkness, the gold is still there. I just have to dig a little harder for it. I've learned that some how, some way, I will end up back on the Yellow Brick road, even if I walk off into the beautiful fields and forests that surround it. 

Then, there are those pesky flying monkeys. Every so often, they will come around and take my happy with them. Those are the days, I struggle. I try. I really do. I get up, put on my big girl pants, and go about my day. Some days, I am simply going through the motions, but I'm still trying.

I am in the best place I've been in a long time though. I am in a place I never dreamed I'd be. I have this life that I thought had passed me by, but yet, here it is. Just because I am living part of my dream doesn't mean I have it all. Not even close. I'm trying every day to get closer to what I truly desire.

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