Suicide Awareness Month

September is Suicide Awareness Month, in case you didn't know. Not a lot of attention is brought to it because, let's face it, this is still a very hard subject to discuss. It isn't a commonly talked about topic and, in truthfulness and my opinion, we need to destroy the stigma around it. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone so today I'm opening up my world to allow you to peek inside.

If you know anything about me, then you know our veterans are very dear to me. I have loved many in this lifetime and I'm honored to call many of them my friends. According to the VA, there is an average of 20.6 suicides amongst this group. DAILY! And while these numbers include active service members, it still is 20.6 too many. I'm the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. This used to be a very real part of my daily life...keeping my dad here for as long as I could. Some days were easy, others not so much. My dad saw war and did things of which he was not proud. These things weighed on his soul. Watching it wear away at him was not something I'd wish on anyone. With the other veterans I love, I can see the hauntings in their eyes some days. It is terrifying to think of losing any of them. Fortunately, my dad didn't die by suicide, at least not in the conventional sense, he drank himself to death while those around him watched it happen. 

My grandpa, however, did. My grandpa was one of the strongest people I knew. One day, something just snapped and he took his own life. Devastated doesn't even begin to express how we all felt.  Shocked. Surprised. Puzzled. Looking back at the events that led to that horrific day, I understand how that was the route that he took. He'd watched the two women he had loved in this life die. He'd had some health issues that led to him having dietary restrictions. Friends had died. He was taking sleeping pills in order to sleep at night. Grandkids had grown up and had lives of their own. I think he felt alone and I truly understand why he chose to leave on his terms.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this on more than one occasion. Life has been difficult and some days I just get tired of it all. My depression rides me hard and I struggle to breathe when that happens. On those days, I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Then, I think of those I love and fight through it. I really do want to see where this life takes me. So far the journey has had a lot of twists and turns. But in the midst of it all, it is a battle that I wonder if I can win. A friend once told me "When it is the darkest, reach out your hand and you'll find someone reaching back for you." So, that's what I do. And I hold on for dear life!

Suicide should not be viewed as a weakness or a sin. It merely is. In this world, it is an inevitable thing with which most of us will have dealings. We need to have conversations with our children, our friends, our family members, and even acquaintances. Removing the stigma around mental illness would help. Teaching our children that bullying is NOT okay would help. Recognizing the signs of depression would help. There is help out there. It needs to be more accessible to people.

And in case you need to hear it today, you are a beloved and cherished part of this universe. You are uniquely you and nobody can be a better you than you! Hold on, it will get better! If you feel like you've lost all hope, reach into the darkness and find that hand reaching back for you. 

"Where Were You?"

This is the question of the day, am I right? We have children who have no recollection of the events of 9-11 and the question is being asked almost everywhere.

This is the same question I remember asking my parents when I was in high school, studying the assassination of President Kennedy. Both of them told me exactly where they were, what they were wearing, how they felt, and the reactions of those people around them. I never dreamed I'd have a day like that in my lifetime.

I lived on Long Island for a little bit in 1990. I made friends there. I met firemen and police officers there. So, my reaction was a bit different from other people who lived in my small Michigan town. 

I was actually still in bed when the radio kicked on to tell us that a plane had hit the Twin Towers. I thought "What a sick fucking joke! This is cruel and ridiculous!" However, I got up and turned on the Today show...after all, Katie Couric wasn't going to lie to me. As I tuned in, the second plane hit and my heart broke. Did I have people I knew and cared about in those towers? I didn't know, but these were my fellow men and women. These people were someone's children, parents, siblings, significant others, and the world became so much smaller to me. I woke up my ex-husband who reluctantly got up and came into the living room to watch the world fall apart. We stayed glued to the television all day long except for when we had to walk the dogs. The disbelief of this tragedy flooded my mind.

We lived on a pretty busy highway, but everything went silent. There was no traffic. The night sky, usually alight with planes, was completely dark except for the stars. It was eerie how silent everything became. We pulled our mattress into the living room and slept on the floor in front of the television that was on 24 hours a day. Life as we knew it was changing and changing fast. 

As I look back on the events of 9-11 and the weeks that followed, hearing the stories of survivors and family members reminded me that love still exists in this world. My favorite line from Love Actually makes reference to this: 

So, I guess that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I may have been living in a small town in Michigan, watching the news and praying for the people I knew and cared about and even those I'd never met. But it was the way the humans on this planet came together in love and compassion that will remain ingrained in my memory. In this day and age, those are two things that are in extremely short supply.