Caring for Myself

Let's face it, 2018 was a bitch! If it could go wrong, it did. And I think December was the culmination of a perfect storm. It all came to a head and it wasn't pretty. Health issues arose. Family stuff blew out of proportion. My dog got sick and scared the crap out of me. My job was taking over my life. I was ready to throw in the towel. 

Before the beginning of 2019, I was giving some in-depth thoughts to my life, my goals, and my dreams. I began to focus on the important things and noticed that I was not one of them. I wasn't practicing self-care in any way, shape, or form. So, I knew it was time to make a few changes.

I began to look at my life as if it were a bulletin board. One of those corky things, overstuffed with papers. For the last few years, I've just been thumbtacking things to the board and ignoring them. Book ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, ambitions...they all were piled on top of each other. 

When I decided it was time to make a change, I began to clean off the "bulletin board". Like saved yellowed receipts and newspaper clippings, photographs, souvenirs from trips, recipes, phone numbers, etc., each piece was removed one by one and examined. I began to throw away things that were no longer of use. I put the photos in a box. The recipes got tucked into my recipe book. I cleaned up my social media. I deleted apps that I no longer use. I got rid of contacts that I  no longer have contact with. I organized all of my book notes.

Once the bulletin board was cleaned off, I took a look at the blank space. I made the decision to only put the things of great importance on that board. I put a pin in the friendships that I knew would understand I needed some time to get my life together. 

I realized that I had been neglecting myself for so long. It was time to get my goals put back on track. I found a way to accomplish some things that I have had on my to-do list for a long time. I had ignored them and pushed them aside for others. 

I have started to take time for myself, too. Long hot showers with relaxing soaps, mani/pedi days, coloring my hair when it is needed, napping, relaxing, and turning off social media. I also began to appreciate the blessings that I had been given. My job isn't the center of my universe these days. When I'm home, I'm fully committed to being in the moment. Whether I am writing, cleaning, or simply hanging out, I'm present for everyone and everything. I am beginning to love my life again. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is almost nil. I'm in such an amazing place.

Some days it means I simply sit down and enjoy the quiet while drinking a cup of coffee, but damn! It feels good to put myself first for a change. After all...

You Gotta Have Faith...

Let's have a conversation about faith. It is a subject that has been on my mind a lot in the last few years. I was raised in faith and taught that faith would get me through the troubles Life would throw at me. My problem over the last few years has been that I wasn't sure what faith was. What did it look like? I've had a lot of people who have told me, "Have faith." But if I'm not sure what it looks like, how can I have it? So, I thought I'd share some things that I have discovered.

Faith isn't always about HUGE miracles. It isn't about, "Oh my god! I have a hundred people coming over for dinner. I have 2 chicken breasts and a bag of rice to feed them. God will provide." Some days faith is simply getting out of bed. For me, faith can look like me getting up and getting ready for work because I know I'll still be part of this earthly plane when the bills come due. My faith can also look like me coming home from work, taking a shower, getting into my pajamas, and crawling beneath the warm covers with a prayer on my lips, believing that there is a higher power who is listening to the things on my heart.

Lately, it has looked like me applying for a second job. I don't believe that some higher power is going to set bags of money on my doorstep and make big deposits in my bank account. However, by applying for this job, I had faith that I would get it. After months of praying and working hard, there was an open door in front of me. The job is only for a couple of months, but I would gain experience that is needed to upgrade myself to a job outside of retail in the future. It will also provide me with the means to have a bit extra to put aside for a rainy day and to pay on student loans.

I'm not a believer in big miracles. They seldom happen to people like me. However, I do believe in subtle miracles. Like praying, with tears streaming down my face, that my dog would get better. Or praying that my heart be open to accepting the love I deserve. Or believing that I would find the strength to walk away from toxic relationships that drain me. 

Faith looks so different to everybody. I've stumbled in my faith. I've pushed it aside. I've lost the majority of it. I've given up on it for the most part. Did I get the job I wanted? Hell no, but I got the job that would pay my bills each month plus give me a bit extra. It also led to this 2nd job opportunity which will definitely give me a cushion. Did I get the relationship I thought I wanted? Nope, I got something so much better! Has my faith healed my depression and anxiety? No, but it has given me the necessary tools to deal with it. Some days it simply means doing the dishes, taking a shower, and making sure the dog eats which means I eat. 

I'm not sure what your faith looks like to you. Just know that I'm not judging you. You do you and I'll do me. Together we'll make our corners of the world a little brighter, a little better, and a little kinder. However, you first have to start the kindness by being kind to yourself. 

Be humble and kind! Tell me what your faith looks like to you. I love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Have a blessed week!