Saying Goodbye...

I'm a sappy sort so I needed to write this out. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. Way more emotion than I am used to, but I knew this day was coming. I knew this day was coming since I met this young man 2 years ago. I've known it was a definite thing for a year now.

See, yesterday I said "goodbye" to a soldier. It was the first goodbye I've ever said. Usually, I distance myself from friends who are joining the military so I don't get my heart broke or I become friends with them once they return. I've never stayed for the long haul. Unfortunately, this one is the one that is breaking me into a million little pieces.

I met this young man right around his 16th birthday. We've only gotten to be friends in the last year and a half. He has an easy way about him and the woman with social anxiety appreciates that. His quick smile lights up a room and his laughter brightens my day. He is so easy to joke with, yet isn't so silly that serious conversations aren't a possibility. We have had some great times.

I don't let people get too close, but somehow, he burrowed into my cold black heart and settled in to stay. When he joined the Army, he stated he wanted a party. He, then, asked that I stick around to do shots with him before he left. I honored his wish yesterday. It was hard for me to pour that shot of Jack for each of us because this meant it was real. And trust me, at some point, I was hoping this was all a dream.

In a very short period of time, this young man will be leaving and heading in the direction of his dream. A dream he's held since he was small. So, I ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers as he journeys on in this direction.

You'll never see this, Matthew, but know that you are loved and missed with every breath that is taken. Dammit, Kid, you've left big old cowboy boot prints on my heart! Take care and come home! I love you as if you're one of my own! 10 weeks, you said! It's only 10 weeks! I'm crossing off the weeks on a calendar until you come back to us, Kid :)

So for today, (and those who know me understand) I will be:

Love ya, Kid!

Fighting the Urge to Rage

I was outside with Diesel tonight and I saw a woman drive past, wiping her eyes. I thought, "I wonder what she's upset about. A family member's illness or death? Did she get some bad news of her own?" It caused me to take pause and think about my own life.

See, I've been thinking about hellos and goodbyes a lot recently. This led me to think about the nights I would be driving to and from work on the highway. Some nights, the traffic was light. Others not so much. As a writer, my mind drifts to the people I'm sharing the road with. The couple who are arguing while driving somewhere with their kids. The gorgeous man who races past me on his motorcycle. The single woman with insane colors in her hair, dancing and singing in her truck. (Okay, that one is me, but I'm sure people think I'm nuts.)What are these people's stories?

We've all raged at the drivers who fly past us as if they're the only ones on the road. However, have you ever thought about why they're in a hurry? Maybe they are on the way to the hospital because a loved one was in an accident. Maybe there's been a death. Maybe they're on their way to the airport to greet a loved one who has been away. Even the slow drivers have a story. I'm not saying these are excuses for reckless driving, but how would you feel if your spouse or child was returning after being at war? Would you drive calmly with no hint of excitement? Or would you unconsciously lower the gas pedal to the floor in your haste to get them in your arms again? I know my answer.

I find myself doing the same thing in the store. Doesn't mean I don't get frustrated, just means I wonder about people's stories. What is in the text message that made that woman smile so brightly? What did that woman whisper to her man that has him walking off with a smirk on his face? What is so wrong with their relationship that a man is calling his wife names? I'm an odd duck that way.

My grandma used to take a drive into town (when she still drove) and she would park on Main Street to watch the people. I used to think she was nosy, but that wasn't it at all. She simply wondered about their stories.

So, the next time you get cut off in traffic or you see a frazzled person who is barely keeping it together, think for a moment: I wonder what is happening in their life. I'm not saying there aren't assholes everywhere, but not everyone is covered under that umbrella. That woman who is crying at the stoplight may have just kissed her husband/boyfriend/partner goodbye and she's not sure when/if she'll see them again...or she may have heard a sad song on the radio that triggered her emotions. And if you see that she has crazy colors in her hair AND you're in Wisconsin...roll your window down and say "Hi!" I'm not crazy, I promise...my mama had me tested!

Farewell, my darling daughter

Yesterday, I awoke to one of the saddest things in my life. My darling canine daughter, Kodiak, had crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

She was our first canine kid. In fact, I often told her she started this whole mess :) The backstory to Kodiak coming to live with us is this:

In 1998, I had gone through everything I could handle to try and conceive a child. We decided to buy a house for the time when the blessed event would occur. We moved into our house in November of 1998. November 15, my doctor phoned to tell me that she couldn't see the reason, but from test results, it appeared as if I would never have children. (A doctor later would tell me she believed it had to do with my father being exposed to Agent Orange while in Vietnam.) I was devastated. My whole life, I wanted to be a mom. Adoption was a pipe dream and way out our way, pay-wise.

In December, my husband came home from work with an idea. What if we got a dog? I hemmed and hawed, not sure that was the answer. Finally, I said, why not? We had a huge backyard and plenty of time. Isn't it funny that a guy the hubby worked with just happened to have brand-new chow mix puppies to give away? *grin*

New Year's Eve 1998, my husband went to work. He had to work until noon (loads of overtime), but he was bringing home a puppy when he returned. Because we were set for a HUGE snowstorm, I had him pick up a collar, leash, puppy food, etc., to get us through. He came home with this little wriggly ball of black fuzz. He handed her to me and I fell in love. He said, "Here's your daughter." I snuggled her and cried. She promptly peed on me :) 

For 14 years, we were blessed with Kodiak. Never a day went by that we regretted bringing her home. We loved her with everything we had and spoiled her rotten. (We've done that with all of our canine kids.) She's moved with us from our house to her grandma's house to three different places in Pennsylvania, out to Oklahoma, back to her grandpa's, and here to the U.P.

I miss her so much. There is a Kodiak-size hole in our family. I told my husband last night, "I don't know how to be a mom to 4. We've always had 5." 

Farewell, my darling daughter. We love you and will miss you until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge. Kiss your brother and sister when you get there. Tell Dad I love him. We'll see you again.