Moved to Question...

This whole "not having an out of the house" job thing has freed up a lot of my time. I've baked bread, cookies, brownies, and cooked bourbon chicken with rice, meatloaf with potatoes, the most succulent venison roast with veggies (which became hash the next morning), and Dak Kang Jeung with Japchae. (I think I've put on 20 lbs.) I've cleaned my house, actually disposed of boxes (and if you know me, this is a HUGE step), and smudged my house. I've sat and written. Not on the series which I'm not ready to delve back into, but I've used writing prompts and written about 2000 words on something that just cried to be written.

I'm not one to turn movies on while I write because I think they are distracting. However, the other day, I needed something...I can't explain it, but I needed. I began the Netflix surf. I went through my list and found nothing that cried out to me. So, I began to simply browse. That is when I found this movie. It's called "Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding." It called out to me, so I thought "What the hell?" I turned it on and I got lost in this movie. Enough so that I started it over when it ended. I cried so hard. Not sure why, but it spoke to my gypsy soul. Of course, this made me begin to question the universe. It's a movie about a conservative daughter who was raised by a hippie mother, moves away, then returns home to find herself.

See, if you've read my posts or know me personally, you know my father was a Vietnam veteran. He despised Jane Fonda and, even more so, the hippie movement. How on earth did he end up with a daughter who, while I may not necessarily agree with Jane's politics, thinks Jane is an amazing actress? Nevermind, the gypsy soul that resides in my body. He and I had several interesting conversations throughout my life. We didn't always agree politically, but he listened. I mean, really listened to my beliefs and feelings. I like to think I made him a little more liberal, but let's be honest, that was never going to happen. He did learn to love incense but hated the patchouli oil I would wear. He laughed at my "rocks" (crystals) and my use of herbs and oils to heal. But he never put me down for them. "I fought a war so you could believe however you need to believe," he'd say.

Loving a hard-headed veteran is my destiny. It just is the way the universe leads me. And being on a liberal arts campus...well, I find I'm not as liberal as some. I'm one of those people who are enlightened but needs to have two feet on the ground. I trust the universe to send me what I need, but I need to take care of me, too. I can't depend on the universe to do all the work, ya know? My gypsy soul gets so misunderstood and confused sometimes. However, I'm too much my father's daughter. I need that balance of conservative and liberal. But if we're not moved to question things, then why are we here? 

"Begin as You Mean to Go On"

I remember hearing those words a lot as I grew up. "Begin as you mean to go on." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of these words, but I've carried them with me for a lifetime. However, I don't always put them to use. This week, I did.

I started this new year, making myself promises. Promises to cut out the bad. Promises to love myself more. Promises to allow the good to flood my life. Promises to move with love, confidence, and respect in my daily life. Promises to allow myself to be free of the toxic behaviors of others. Promises to let love move me.

See, I've been working for the last two and a half years doing a job that I actually had liked. It wasn't going to be my career, but I didn't abhor it. It had become an abusive relationship and I finally had enough. After leaving work early due to some abusive behaviors and crying after I got home, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to begin as I mean to go on and that meant cutting the toxicity from my life. So, I quit. I walked out. I quit the job that guaranteed my independence and allowed me to rely on no one. With spring semester starting soon, I took a deep breath and leaped with faith.

A very charismatic man once told me "You and me are in this together. I'll hold your hand and we'll make it through." I asked him "What happens if we get to the edge of the cliff? Then what?" He just smiled and said "Then, we jump, but we jump together." It's all about taking a leap of faith!

Two years ago, I took a leap of faith when I quit the job I had in order to take this job. This job promised to be more, pay more, and would easily work around my schedule. Then, it stopped working. So, I took that leap the other day. I'm believing that something better is waiting for me. I'm praying that the universe and all that it holds will provide for me the things I need in order to live the life that I have.

I'm trying to actually follow the advice given to me as a kid. I'm beginning this year as I mean to go on...with peace, love, self-respect, self-confidence, and by cutting out the toxic people who drain me of any of those things.

So, I have made myself some comfort food, made new covers for the re-release of the books, and I've actually been writing. I'm practicing a bit of self-care and focusing on what matters. My intention is to live this life by my rules and doing things my way. After all, my mom told me that the day I was born, she was pretty sure that I had intended to live this life by no one else's rules. I began as I meant to go on...