Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

We are two days out from the new year and I'm sitting at my laptop in sheer disbelief. This year has flown by. I've been doing a bit of looking back over the last year and counting my blessings. 

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned that I've got ambition and courage. I've stood up for myself and found the drive for success that I wondered if it ever existed. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and made friends. I made myself a priority in my own life. And you know what? It made a huge difference. I focused on healthier eating, taking my vitamins on a regular basis, drinking more water, studied my ass off, and took the time to make a difference in my own life. I tried some different recipes and am pretty proud of myself. I eat a lot more veggies. (Pinterest has decided that I'm Asian because of the Asian recipes I have pinned.) I have made an effort to purchase clothing that flatters me and my body.

I've always been one to put others first. As a lifetime caregiver, I'm so used to putting others health and wellbeing above my own. But I found myself worn out and run down. I was mentally destroyed, emotionally broken, and physically torn apart at the seams. I had been so focused on everyone else in my life...their needs, their wants, their desires...that I neglected myself for far too long. 

2018 is my year! It will be the year I continue my journey toward self-care and making myself a priority. It means focusing on my education and my health. It means making changes that some people may not like, but they will have to get over it. I've spent too long listening to people who didn't have my best interests at heart. If you're going to be part of my life, you've got to understand my need to make my decisions for my own life and happiness. I'm trying to be the best possible me I can be...more me!

To those who have cheated on me, to those who have left me, to those who have hurt me, to those who didn't believe in me, to those who broke my heart, I say "Thank you!" Because of you, I've learned who I am, found my independence, took back my voice, and discovered my self-worth.

I wish you all a safe and happy New Year's Eve! May 2018 bring you more blessings than your life can hold!

Silent Night

In the still of a very silent night, the only sound is coming from the great beast at my feet whose rumbles of snoring quake my bed. My holiday candles are lit and the flames are flickering softly, making shadows on my walls. I have music playing quietly. Not the holiday music most would think, but music to soothe my soul. It is Christmas Eve eve.

It won't be long now before sounds of "Santa can't come if you're still awake" will be heard as children are tucked in. Followed by the sounds of laughter as the gifts under the tree are unwrapped in the earliest of morning hours. Food will be cooking away and families will descend upon loved ones to enjoy some time together.

But I ask you for a favor: As you sit with your family and friends, eating meals that have been lovingly prepared in your homes, please remember those who are unable to be around their family's tables this holiday season.

I wanted to share this story with you, in case you have never heard it. It's one I heard a long time ago, but it touched my heart in such a big way. It's the tale of how the Christmas song "Silent Night" stopped a war. "On a crisp, clear morning 100 years ago, thousands of British, Belgian and French soldiers put down their rifles, stepped out of their trenches and spent Christmas mingling with their German enemies along the Western front. In the hundred years since, the event has been seen as a kind of miracle, a rare moment of peace just a few months into a war that would eventually claim over 15 million lives. But what actually happened on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day of 1914 — and did they really play soccer on the battlefield?
Pope Benedict XV, who took office that September, had originally called for a Christmas truce, an idea that was officially rejected. Yet it seems the sheer misery of daily life in the cold, wet, dull trenches was enough to motivate troops to initiate the truce on their own — which means that it’s hard to pin down exactly what happened. A huge range of differing oral accounts, diary entries and letters home from those who took part make it virtually impossible to speak of a “typical” Christmas truce as it took place across the Western front. To this day historians continue to disagree over the specifics: no one knows where it began or how it spread, or if, by some curious festive magic, it broke out simultaneously across the trenches. Nevertheless, some two-thirds of troops — about 100,000 people — are believed to have participated in the legendary truce." (You can read the full story here.)

How amazing to think that, even in the midst of war, people on the opposing sides can find the magic of the holiday! So, while we should remember them all year through, can I ask you to pause a moment in your family celebrations and whisper a prayer, blessing, or thought for our military men and women? We often take them for granted. They have the tough jobs, the thankless jobs, and are putting their lives on the line every single day!

I want to take a moment to wish you a happy holiday season! From my home to yours, "Merry Christmas" and may 2018 find you happy, healthy, and grateful!

My Grown-Up Letter...

Dear Santa,
     There are people in the world who would say that I'm too old to be writing a letter to you, however, Grandma always told me I was never too old to believe. (My grandma was a smart woman :)) And I just don't give a shit about the world's opinion.
     I'm usually pretty snarky about these "Dear Santa" things. But here I am, being sincere and all. I have quite a list for you and all it comes from the deepest depths of my heart.
       I have a few things I want for myself, but first, I want to get the big stuff out of the way.
     Santa, I know most of this is big stuff and for most people it would be impossible, but I believe that if anyone can do it, you can.
     1) I want all of our soldiers to come home, safe and sound. So, I guess what I'm asking for is Peace on Earth. Our men and women in the military deserve so much more than we, as a nation, give them.
     2) I want every child of the world to know what it is to feel safe, secure, and loved. No child asks to be brought into this world and so often, we forget that.
     3) I also would like every animal to know they are loved and cherished members of the family. We tend to forget that their care, too, was given to us by their Creator.
     4) I would love to have every homeless veteran to have a home, the medical attention they deserve, and the financial help owed to them from an often ungrateful nation.
     I could be selfish and ask for so many things that only money can buy for myself, but, in all truthfulness, Santa, I've gotten older and maybe a bit wiser. I've learned Christmas isn't about stuff or things. Christmas is about love, laughter, friends and family, and joy. So for myself I ask for the following things:
     1) May my friends and family know how dearly loved they are and may the new year bring them all the happiness their hearts will allow. May they be blessed this holiday and all year through!
     2) I've worked hard this year. I've studied until I can study no more. I've typed, added, edited, divided, read, learned, and tested until my eyes and brain hurt. Please, Santa, let me get passing grades in all of my classes!
     3) The next two I will not give words to, however, I was always told that you know what's in my heart. I don't ask for perfection, Santa, but you know my sincerest desires and what lies in the cold black depths of my heart.
     I know this is short notice and some of these things are next to impossible, but it weighed on my heart and mind tonight. 
     I still believe in you, Santa, and I hope you still believe in me, too!
     With love,
     Gemma
P.S. Diesel would like to add Nudges and squeaky toys to the list.

     

The Season of Giving...

“What can I give him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd,

I would bring a lamb;

If I were a wise man,

I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give him—

Give my heart.” 

-Christina G. Rossetti

I come from a family of givers. I was taught to give to others from a very early age. It was seldom monetary since money was never in excess. Instead my parents gave in other ways. My dad would plow driveways for neighbors. Mom would bake or volunteer at church. It was them giving of themselves.

The above poem was read today and it touched my heart profoundly. 

I've been worried that I'm not giving enough of myself to others. Especially during this time of year. Money is still at a minimum, but so is my time these days. But I took some time to be thankful for the blessings I do have. That's when I noticed some things. 

I'm always baking or cooking. I have to eat just like everyone else. Making a plate to share with a neighbor or putting a plate of goodies together for someone who lives alone doesn't truly cost me anything. Of course, neither does the smile I share with someone as I pass by them in the store or on campus. Dropping a quick line to let someone far away know they are on my heart takes only a minute or two (and those I can spare on occasion). Picking up the tab on the cup of coffee for a fellow student costs me a minimal amount, but the spirit of giving it forward sometimes moves through an entire day.

It's not about how much money you give to certain charities. It's about being kind to your fellow man. We so often hear how money is misspent and only falls on the wallets of CEOs of charities, so why not skip the middle man when possible? Ask the elderly neighbor if there's something you can pick up for them at the store. Shovel someone's sidewalk. Share a smile. Buy someone a cup of coffee. Being kind doesn't cost you a thing. And you might be surprised at the gifts you get in return.

Being a Grinch

I want to apologize for not posting much lately. The final weeks of college have been horrendous. I've been focusing hard on getting through finals and not much else has gotten done.

However, let me say, I feeling a little extra "Grinchier" than normal this year. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure there really is a reason. I'm just not feeling the holiday spirit.

I saw a post the other day that spoke to my heart. I wanted to share it with you. And now I can't find it. The gist of it was this: "The Grinch didn't hate Christmas, he hated people." Now, my spin on it is that the Grinch didn't hate people, per se, he hated the greed and meanness that came out of people during the holiday.

I've seen the sweetest people in the world become so horrible and mean to their fellow man during the stress of the holidays. It breaks my heart. 

Maybe this comes from my growing up poor (though I never knew it). So many years, there were handmade gifts under the tree. My mom would sew dresses or new shirts for me. She'd make gifts because money was tight. Sure I wanted the toys that all my friends were asking for, but I knew in my heart I'd never get them and that was more than okay. In a couple of months, their toys would be cast aside because they wanted something different. But even as young as I was, I knew that handmade gifts came from the heart. I knew the love and time that went into each stitch my mom made.

I'm curious as to when Christmas stops being about stuff and becomes about loving one another. Remember how at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Whos remember what Christmas is truly about? It's about family, friends, community, and loving one another. 

I avoid the stores, if at all possible, so I don't have to deal with the worst in humanity. After all, at the end of my day, I really do want to like people. And some day maybe I'll shed my Grinchy green fur and allow my cold black heart to grow 3 sizes bigger.