When I started this blog, it was all about my books and I kept my personal life pretty separate. However, I quickly found that my personal life influenced my books, my writing, and oftentimes, my lack thereof. I get inquiries of a more forceful persuasion from some people who want to know why I'm not writing more and pumping out books. My answer is "Life." Life has this way of just getting in the way and ripping away the muses that fuel the writing that I want to do. I'm not living my best life, I'm surviving, at best. However, I'm still here and I'm working hard. Please be patient with me. I wanted to thank you for standing by and reading my blogposts. I write these to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head, but I'm hoping they help others feel that they aren't alone in this world. My goal in this lifetime is to touch people and to make a difference in their lives. I'm not sure if I'm doing it or if I'm just floating along, but if you're still here and reading my posts, then maybe I'm touching you in some way.
So, on the American day for giving thanks and showing our gratefulness, I want to say "Thank you" for sticking with me on this journey of growth and self-discovery. You support me and lift me up during my darkest hours. I cannot thank you enough for reading these rantings and ramblings. Bright blessings to you and yours!
I think I've established over the years of writing this blog that I am a country girl. A farmer's daughter who just wants to return to the life of serenity. I've been reflecting on this last year and the journey that has led me to the place I find myself. I feel like I'm so far off the main road in this journey that I may never return to it. However, someone said something that smacked me over the head. Bear with me for a minute here, okay? What if I'm supposed to be off the main road? What if I am supposed to be cruising the backroads of life with the windows down and the music up? Isn't that where most of the fun happens? I have a lot of memories of getting in the car and simply driving with the windows down and the music up. My parents were always ones to do this when I was younger. As I reached my teen years, my best friend/sister of my heart and I spent many hours and more tanks of gas than I can count, driving on the backroads. Those were always times of laughter, singing with the radio, and the best conversations! Even as I've begun my life over again (more times than I can count), this is still one of my favorite things to do...drive the backroads. It is the backroads where you find the neatest places. Fruit and veggie stands run by old men with a million and one stories to share, little Mom and Pop shops with unique items, diners with regulars who give directions by telling you to "turn left at the Hopkin's farm, go past the gnarled maple that was struck by lightning, then head east past the old apple orchard." The backroads are where all the interesting characters enter your life. And sometimes these characters are merely a butterfly wing's brush over your life. However, on occasion, one of these characters may set up shop and become a big part of your life.
So, I'm beginning to think that is what I'm doing on this life's journey at the moment. I've got the windows down and the music up, driving as slow as I can, savoring the smells, the peace, and the characters who show up to enhance my life. Learning to live, laugh, and love as I go. Maybe, just maybe, that backroad will lead me back to the girl I used to be.
Lately, people have been teasing me. It all comes from a place of love, but still... I've been upset with the way my life is going. I had a plan for my life. This is definitely NOT what I had in mind. See, I'm a planner. I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was in my senior year of high school when I was asked to write out a timeline of what my life would look like. I had it planned out so very well. From marriage to births of children to anniversary vacations and retirement, I had it all figured out. Care to guess what happened? That's right...it all went south early on!
I got married. We did it all exactly like we were supposed to. We began to plan for kids, bought a home...then after months of testing and temperature taking, the doctor called to say that for some reason I couldn't have kids...2 weeks after buying our house. It was at that point that the marriage began to fall apart, too. Divorce wasn't part of my life plan. Neither was losing my dad or starting over at an age I don't admit to many. Life took turns that I couldn't see coming. Most people in my life would tell you that I am a worrier. I like to think of myself as a planner. I like to know where I'm heading and I hate surprises. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I tend to overthink things to death. In some cases, that is not a bad thing. In most other cases, well...
At this age, I had intended on being close to having my house paid off...not renting. I was going to be sending my kids off to college. I was going to have my degree and be working my dream job, not working retail, hoping to make enough to pay my bills every month.
I was talking to one of my co-workers the other day. She's around my age and in a similar dilemma. She didn't expect to be the place she's in at this age either. Neither of us dreamed we'd be starting over at this age. We had similar dreams. Being married, celebrating years of happiness like our parents did. Owning our own homes with big family holidays and everybody gathered around our tables. Not starting over, hoping to find those special someones to love our broken, scarred, and battered hearts. Not renting our homes and dealing with landlords. And we both certainly expected to be in better economic situations than we are in. It made me feel good to know I wasn't alone in this situation. And this is how the idea for this blogpost came to be. If you're having the same thoughts or feelings, please know that you are not alone. Whether you're in the middle of starting a new life, dealing with empty nest syndrome, or simply attempting to figure out the next step, you are definitely not alone in this. An author friend once told me, "When you find yourself sitting in a dark room and you're feeling all alone, reach out your hand. I'll be right there to hold on with you until the light returns."
Where I am is not where I intended to be, however, everyone keeps telling me that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I have no clue. Maybe I'm here to be a blessing or a lesson to someone else or maybe I'm the one who will be blessed or taught a lesson. I don't know, but... I had a plan...dammit!
