Missing You...

Some days, dancing in the rain is not an option. Some days, I'm lucky to get out of bed. My depression is so bad lately that I feel as if I'm drowning.

See, I'm coming up on a big anniversary...the day my hero left this world. It happens to fall right after my birthday. I'm so focused on this anniversary and how my daddy is not here to call me that I can barely keep moving. 

It hurts so badly this year. You see, my dad used to call me constantly, but on my birthday when I'd answer the phone with my usual, "Hi." I'd get "Happy Birthday" sang to me in his "I think I'm Elvis" voice. I'd roll my eyes and laugh. Then, he'd tell me how much he loved me and about the night I came into this world. The last time I spoke to him was my birthday. We spoke for two hours that day. This was one of our longest conversations. It is forever ingrained in my memory. His final words to me were "In case, I haven't told you...it is an honor to be your dad." We told each other "I love you" and hung up. Three days later, this great man took his leave. 

Now I know I was lucky! Not every girl has a daddy like mine. And that's okay, too! I was a daddy's girl and proud of that. Hell, we were both proud of that!

I am reminded every day of how much I'm loved. I do know that. The people in my life never let a day go by without telling me they love me. 

Everyone tells me that the reason I'm having a hard time this year is because I'm truly happy for the first time. That might be. I'm taking some big steps in my life and I wish I could seek his advice. Am I making the right decisions? Am I doing the right things? Could I be doing something better? Am I headed in the right direction or should I have taken that right at Albuquerque (Bugs Bunny reference)?

Depression will NOT beat me! I won't allow it!! But for today...I might just let the darkness stay for a little while longer. (Damn flying monkeys are determined to kill my happy!) 

Never mind...Toto is up and needing a walk. The Wizard and a couple of Munchkins are wanting breakfast. No wallowing allowed today!

What is Love?

The other day I was asked the question: What is love? I was speechless for quite a while as I contemplated the answer.

Truly, do any of us know the definition of love? I wrote myself a note a long time ago about how love looked to me, but to define love in a simple and easy way? Impossible!

Love is a puppy's excited tail wag when you come home. Whether you've been gone 5 minutes or 5 days, their enthusiasm is the same.

Love is a fistful of dandelions held in chubby fists.

Love is a plate of warm cookies and a glass of ice cold milk when you've had a rough day.

Love is making his favorite meal when you know he's had a rough day. Love is also ordering out from her favorite restaurant when you know she's had a bad day.

Love is listening to little ones as they ask the same question fifty times.

Love is laughter on a Sunday morning over chocolate chip pancakes and coffee in bed, dressed in your pajamas with your hair messy and your feet bare.

Love is lying in bed during the quiet hours of the morning, sharing soft kisses and touching conversation.

Love is having a day where you feel your worst, yet you look at yourself and say, "I survived today. Tomorrow, I'll try again."

Love is everywhere!

Love Actually is one of my favorite movies when I'm feeling blue. Here's a quote: "Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  

As a person who writes romance, you'd think the definition came a bit easier than it did. This is the definition I gave: Love is an emotion, a feeling, everything. It is messy and imperfect. It is has the power to lift you up to your highest high and bring you to your lowest low. It is inside of all of us. Love is never perfect, but when it is all said and done, it is definitely worth it!

So, So tell me: What is your definition of love?

Losing My Way

          

Have you ever stopped to notice that life has a funny way of going so far off course, yet it seems to always work out the way it is supposed to? Yeah, I'm still stuck in the Land of Oz, but I'm having a ball. It all seems surreal some days. Others? Well, reality has a way of punching me in the face and showing me how real it all is.

When my marriage began to fall apart, I blamed myself. Hell, he blamed me, too. I was devastated, and yet, I had faith that I'd be alright. And as I was reminded, my faith wavered more than I care to admit. I was ready to walk away from my faith, my spirituality, and my gods. All of this was because I felt betrayed and let down. I hurt and I was hurt, however, I never realized that there was something better out there. My best friend moved out of our rental house and completely wrecked my world. I sank into a deeper depression than I had ever seen before. Deep enough that I never dreamed I'd see daylight again. Betrayal was the tip of the iceberg to what I felt. What faith I had regained, I attempted to walk away from. My gods gave me something rare and beautiful, then it went away. I didn't want to see that it was a gift very few got to hold. And how blessed I was to have had him for the short time I did. I merely went through the motions of living after he left. I was sure I would live out the rest of my life alone. I even had a plan...yeah, I was depressed to the point of wanting to end it all. I kept pushing forward though. I'm not sure why. It was probably the fact that my sister kept on my ass. She listened when everyone else forgot I existed. Because I didn't ask for help, everyone thought I was doing just fine. Hell, most still think I am. They have no idea what I have been through or the memories that haunt me every day. I don't post all of my business on social media for the world to see. I will share things that I may be feeling and I get the general, "Everything will be okay" comment from people. My dog kept me moving. I had to get up and go to work everyday so that he had food to eat. He's the only reason I kept living. He gets me through the rough stuff and is the love of my life. Then, something better (or so I thought) came along. After being hurt consistently and ending up on the floor of his kitchen, my head thrown against the cupboard and being knocked unconscious, I walked away. Even this was a blessed lesson in what I can and will tolerate. As much as I was wanting to end it all, I really didn't want to die. Then, one day, I walked into a class. I was an hour early. Having no internet at home, this was my time to get online. I was actually reading a book when the most amazing thing happened. In walked a man with a smile that was absolutely incredible. Then, he spoke and I felt my heart fall. We would sit and talk. And we discovered we weren't alone. In that moment, we found our kindred spirits.

I write this because I want you to know you're not alone. I write this because I want you to know there is a human being behind this keyboard.

https://architecturalafterlife.com/2015/09/26/the-eerie-and-abandoned-land-of-oz/ Photo credit to Johnny Joo

I am still wandering the Yellow Brick Road and some days, it is very golden. Then, I turn a corner and feel like I've lost my way. Under the muck, the overgrowth, and the darkness, the gold is still there. I just have to dig a little harder for it. I've learned that some how, some way, I will end up back on the Yellow Brick road, even if I walk off into the beautiful fields and forests that surround it. 

Then, there are those pesky flying monkeys. Every so often, they will come around and take my happy with them. Those are the days, I struggle. I try. I really do. I get up, put on my big girl pants, and go about my day. Some days, I am simply going through the motions, but I'm still trying.

I am in the best place I've been in a long time though. I am in a place I never dreamed I'd be. I have this life that I thought had passed me by, but yet, here it is. Just because I am living part of my dream doesn't mean I have it all. Not even close. I'm trying every day to get closer to what I truly desire.

And on...

It seems as if I've been on this Wizard of Oz kick for a while, but if you've seen the movie, you understand. Dorothy's journey through the Land of Oz lasted for about 2 hours, however, there is no way she did all the things she did in a mere 2 hours.

My journey is one that is filled with riddles and mysteries. I often wonder what it is I'm learning here. Today I feel as if I've made it to the gates of the Emerald City and I can't get in until I can answer the riddles laid before me. And math seems to be the biggest riddle of all ((f(g)x)) and the whys and wherefore so that go with this). I can't get into the city until I can answer all of these riddles. Im frustrated beyond all belief and wonder why I want into the damned city anyway.

Then, I stop, take a breath, and remember that I need to get into the city in order to meet the great and powerful Oz. We know from the movie that he's just a normal man who hides behind a curtain. I'm hoping to find something more. I'm hoping that there really is a Great and Powerful Oz who can help make all of my dreams come true. Maybe the Tin Man will become real and get his heart. The Cowardly Lion may find his courage. The Scarecrow might get a brain...but it all hinges on me and this damn math riddle.

The Yellow Brick Road Goes On...

It has been awhile since I've written a blog post, but let me tell you...that field of poppies where I took a nap? Whew! It was needed but took a lot of time. So, I'm back on the yellow brick road and trusting it will lead me to my Emerald City.

I've had to let go of a few hopes and dreams along this path. The poppies helped me release a few people who meant so much. The poppies eased the pain of letting go.

Now, I'm back and feeling stronger than ever. I'm working toward my career goals...you know...the goals that will mean a steady paycheck? The writing is on the back burner while I deal with school, my job, and my personal life. Finding my balance is the hard part. So many changes and additions have definitely added a new layer to my complicated life and enriched it in so many ways.

I'm meeting so many new people on my yellow brick journey. Some are cowardly lions. Others are tin men and scarecrows. There are a couple of munchkins and my version of Toto who keep me company as I walk along. The wicked witch and her flying monkeys are off terrorizing others for now, but we are always looking skyward. Just in case.

So now that I have you updated, I probably should get ready for Psych class. Exploring the mind and its inner workings fascinates this modern day Dorothy.

Here's hoping that the wicked witch and her minions keep you off their radars!

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Do you ever feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? Picked up and set down in a strange place? Having to deal with things and people who are unfamiliar? Yeah? Well, welcome to my world!

I've been thinking a lot about my life's path lately. From day one, I was destined for the weird and unusual. My life's path has led me down many darkened lanes, into a few Forbidden forests, and I've met some people I never dreamed I'd meet. I wouldn't change it for the world because it has led me to this place and this moment.

I've lost people on this path. Either their paths ended while mine continued on or they took an exit to a different path. However it went, I trust they are doing okay wherever they are.

I've learned a lot about myself on this journey. Funny enough, it's the darkest times when the road isn't nearly as golden that I have found my strength. And it seems as if I'm buried in darkness at the moment. I'm in over my head and I feel like I'm wandering around this path that keeps leading me in circles. Which means I've got to learn something before I get the see the rest of my path. But what am I supposed to learn? I'm jaded and I don't trust very easily. The people I trust the most, let me down more often than not. Is that my fault for trusting them or expecting too much of them? Or is it just human nature that people will let you down? I've found my faith waning and my faith in people is almost non existent. Maybe that is my lesson: Trust when times are toughest not merely when the road is easy.

Lately, my road is filled with dead-ends and I have to re-trace my steps in the hopes of finding my way back. When I do that, I run into the same people and I lose my heart again, only to have it handed back to me, bleeding, battered, and broken. What lesson should I be learning here? I'm guessing I need to hang onto my heart and not give it away. Either that or I need to be more careful with who I let hold my heart in his hands. I don't know anymore. My doubts overrun my mind most days and I wonder if I'm doing anything right.

I sat down to watch one of my favorite movies the other day, We Bought a Zoo. It has been in my DVD player for over a week and I play it every chance I get. Why? Because it speaks to me. It's about a man who takes a chance and risks it all. At one point, Benjamin Mees (played by Matt Damon) asks his daughter, "Rosie, am I doing anything right?" I have been tearing up at that line every time. I'm to the point where I'm asking Diesel, "Am I doing anything right?" He just sighs and rolls over to continue his nap. Benjamin also tells how "it only take 20 seconds of intense courage" to change your life. A mere 20 seconds!!!! Can you just imagine? Over two years ago, a man had 20 seconds of intense courage when he said hello to a woman he had never met. We became friends and our lives changed. For the better? If you talk to either of us separately, we'd probably say not always. We've ended up in a place where neither one of us is happy and depression is our ruler.

I think this is because we've stepped off our yellow brick road and tried to do things without the other. I maybe wrong. I wonder if my yellow brick road has just run out of yellow so I need to just make my own path. Stay tuned!!! I'm off in search of my ruby slippers and I sure as hell ain't carrying my version of Toto in a basket. I've met a couple of witches, more than one flying monkey, the Tin-Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. I think it may be time to lay down and take a nap in that lovely field of poppies I see ahead. Just long enough to get myself together and find the next step on my path.

This Crazy Thing Called "Life"

As you can tell Life has been a little nuts. I've been working as much as I can, studying and going to class, and taking time to play...well, not as often as I should.

This new job isn't my dream career by any means. It helps pay the bills which is all I need at the moment. I'm in school for my dream career. Between that and my writing, I figure my life will be all that I want it to be.

I have met some amazing people with my job though. I find myself looking forward to my 2-3 hour shift with them simply because they are the most incredible human beings. I am so touched by some of these clients. They warm my cold, black heart and touch my soul with their love for life. It is funny, but I was just thinking about a particular client and I got a phone call from my company. They got a request for ME this weekend which makes me smile. The client and I had so much fun teasing each other and watching movies. He's a prankster and had me in tears with some of his stories.

School is winding down. Only a few more weeks left and I'm out for the summer. I'm not doing bad in my classes. I know I should study harder, but the sickness from last month is hanging on by it's fingernails. I wake up with a headache. I go to bed with a headache. My chest, head, and nose are constantly stuffy. I just finished up a few assignments for a final project and a research paper that I knocked out fairly easily. AND I have my classes scheduled for next semester already.

Still looking to move closer to school, but that will come when it is supposed to. I've gotten ahold of a couple of different places and moving out of this place seems to be on the horizon. Because of my job, I can transfer to the new city which will be nice. It's the moving part that I'm not looking forward to. I've spent the last 2 months living out of boxes. LOL

Like I said, not much time for play. I get together with my favorite couple once a week or so. I do socialize, just not much. I did get out for a night of fun with one of my favorite guys and his brother. Much fun was had, but it was the talking and catching up on each other's lives that made the night one of my favorites. When you can spend time talking all night with someone, watch the sun come up, and still not want the time to end, you know it was a good one. I made it 36 hours with no sleep before I had to nap, but damn was it worth it.

Plus I started writing again...I had put it aside for a bit while I dealt with one crisis after another, however, after a night of hanging out with my best friend (thanks again by the way!), I opened the file and started to type. The story was still there. It was just patiently waiting for me to write it out.

I shared this on my personal FB page the other day and I just feel the lyrics so much at this point. I hope you enjoy it, too.