Happy Memorial Day!

As most of you know, I am the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. The image above holds a special place in my photo album simply because of that. I've never been to the wall, but I intend to go at some point.
When I was growing up, Memorial Day was always about the parade in our small town, visiting my relatives' graves, and cooking out at home. My dad was never big on celebrating the true reason for Memorial Day...and I now know why. 
However, we are coming up on the anniversary of my loss and I sit here looking at this picture thinking, "But for the grace of the gods..." 
See, if my dad's name would have been on that wall, I wouldn't have been born. He often would talk about his time in Vietnam and how he wished he had stayed, fought, and died for his country, then the PTSD wouldn't have destroyed his life the way that it did. It used to make me cry because if he had done those things, I wouldn't be here and I sure as hell wouldn't be the woman I am today for walking on his journey with him.
He was an amazing man and he was my hero (though I can hear him telling me, "Girl, I ain't nobody's hero"). He sacrificed his mind, body, and soul for this country. He may have come home physically whole, but mentally, he would never be the man he was if he hadn't seen and done the things he did. 

So, today please remember that All Gave Some and Some Gave All. We are free because of the men and women who have put their lives on the line. We are able to BBQ and spend time with our families because these people have given up time with theirs.

Learning to Live

Most of you who have been with me for a while know that I'm coming up on a pretty big anniversary. It's been a year since I lost one of the most important people in my life...my dad. That one event threw my world off its axis and I've spent the better part of a year trying to get it back on track.

So here I sit, almost an entire year older and I hope a little wiser. I've been through a lot in the last year, but what I have discovered is that I need to learn how to live. For the most part, I've been simply going through the motions, but I haven't really been living life.
I had a professor this year who told me I need to loosen up, let my hair down, and just have some fun. I sat across from this man who I consider a brilliant man and was dumbfounded. 

He told me I wasn't having fun with my writing. I thought I was having a ball with my writing. I mean, writing is a serious business, right? The good doctor looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Writing is a very serious business, but if you aren't having any fun, then why the hell are you doing it?" This from the Absent-minded professor? (The brilliant man could never remember where we were when it came to writing assignments.) I walked away from this meeting in a different frame of mind...one that really had me thinking.

I put aside what I was working on and put all of my efforts into something new and different. I focused on my blog for school (http://iambeautifulat.blogspot.com) and my algebra homework. I picked up a book I've been wanting to read and delved beneath the pages. I found myself smiling more and laughing with friends. I simply stopped trying to live and actually lived.

School came to an end. I finished my exams and I'm not worried about my grades. Why? Because once I stopped worrying about things, it all began to work. I'm simply letting go.

Yesterday, I got up, popped Nickelback on my MP3 player, tied on my tennis shoes, and went for a walk. I have been having some issues lately and I needed to work them out in my head. A lot of my issues deal with the negative voices in my head. Somebody told me it's a record that I need to stop listening to. So, on my walk, I took the record and smashed the hell out of it. There is no way that record can be put back together.

Somewhere along the way this year, I lost sight of me. I stopped believing in myself and thus, lost my passion. I deserve passion! I owe it to myself and I will damn well have it!

So this is me...I'm letting my hair down, giving a huge rebel yell, and I'm barefooting it for awhile. I'm almost 41. I'm not dead. I'm alive and kicking. This is my year of learning to live!

A Few Things I'm Learning As I Go

So, I'm a college student. Most of you are aware of that. What you don't know is that I started this journey with one goal in mind: get a degree. That was all I wanted. I wasn't going to school to make friends. I wasn't going to engage if I didn't have to. I wanted to earn a degree and walk back into the world smarter. That's it. I'd mind my own business and live my life and everyone else could just leave me alone.
Last semester, I got kicked off that track of thinking. I met a young man who refused to allow me to live in my shell. He asked me questions and stopped to chat with me on campus. He engaged me and made it his mission to make sure I engaged other people. He changed my life though he will never understand that.
I walked onto campus as one of the older students. I figured the kids are going to look at me as the "old woman" on campus. I never expected for them to like me. I didn't care whether they did or not, but they did. I had a couple of people last year tell me, "You know, you're pretty cool, right?" Me? The bookworm? Seriously? You all need to read up on what being cool is! *G*

This semester a different woman walked onto campus. I walked in a little more confident and a whole lot friendlier. The other day, I laughed all the way home. Want to know why? I had been stopped by 4 different people to chat in the hallways. ME! Then, I walked across our tiny campus with another student, chatting about our previous class. When I realized what had happened, it made me laugh out loud. The woman who walked from class to class with her head down, not being engaged with anyone, has friends on campus and not one of them is my own age.
Here are a few things I'm learning:
1) Age is simply a number
2) You are truly only as old as you feel
3) This new generation has a lot to learn, but they also have a lot to offer.
4) Many of these young people refuse to be silent. They stand up for their convictions (and that is AWESOME!)
5) Youth is pretty blind to age.
6) I actually have something to say that they want to hear.
So, I guess an old dog can learn some new tricks, if only they open themselves up to the opportunity. And it all started with the least likely person.

My quote for this week: "Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars."

What is Beauty?

I've got a blog up for school titled "I Am Beautiful At..." I wanted to take a look at what people think beauty is.

I also want to bring about awareness that women of all shapes, sizes, ages, races, and religions are beautiful. As women, I think we spend more time judging ourselves and others instead of looking for ways to empower one another and raise each other up.

I'm not a reality television watcher. Duck Dynasty is the extent of my reality TV watching, but my husband loves reality TV, especially Survivor. That show grates on my very last nerve. It's one of those things that irritates the living hell out of me. Why should we only show cute little twenty somethings on a beach on some tropical island? Why not take the show to a cold climate where they have to wear winter coats? I'm thinking Alaska. Hey, they did Africa, didn't they? Let's see how Survivors do when they are cold and hungry. There is nothing about these women I see as attractive. Most of them are cold-hearted, nasty women who will hit on men to get their way.

I see this with all of the tabloid "princesses", too. Yet, as women, we look at these women and say, "I want to look like, dress like, act like...". Why? Why aren't we happy with who we are? Is it because media won't allow it? Or is it because as women we are trained to always want to be a size or two less than what we are?
  




It's been a long time ago, but I watched a lady on some show talking about aging. She spoke about how plastic surgery isn't an option and neither is coloring her hair. She talked about what wrinkles, laugh lines, and crow's feet meant to her. I took a long hard look in my mirror.

I am almost 41 years old. I am plus-sized and healthy. My blood pressure is normal as is everything else. I have a few wrinkles and laugh lines, but that means I've worried about people in my life and I've laughed a lot. I have gray hairs, but I have earned each and every one of them. I seldom wear make-up or curl my hair. My husband has seen me at my best and my worst and he still finds me attractive. I am bold, brassy, confident, sarcastic, and trusting. I'm sexy and beautiful at 41 because I am me!

What is beauty, in your opinion? Is it all about looks or is it about the beauty within that comes shining through? Talk to me, people!

Life in the Slow Lane

As most of you know, life in my house is seldom boring. With the dogs, two college students, and writing, I tend to live life in the slow lane, but never boring.
This last weekend, my darling hubby and I celebrated 21 years since our first date. Yes, 21 years! We determined that this was the date that never ended :) We picked up pizza and some movies with friends, then spent the entire evening together. A month later, he presented me with his dad's bloodstone ring and made his intent very clear...he was going to marry me. We celebrated the anniversary with...well, pizza and a movie. It seemed appropriate.
However, on Friday morning, we woke up to our oldest girl hardly being able to walk. I hoped and prayed for the best, but at the age of seventeen, there wasn't a lot of hope to hold out for. By Saturday night, we knew we would be making a trip to the vet's office on Monday morning to tell our precious girl goodbye. 

Jasmine

Jasmine and her constant companion, Rupert the Rat

Let me tell you a little bit about Jazzy. She may not look like it, but she was ferocious...if you were trying to hurt her dad OR if you were fuzzy. I can't tell you how many rabbits this lovable face killed. She would hunt them down with her sisters, then she'd kill the rabbit, bring it to me and drop it at my feet. Yeah, like that is the gift I want :) Even her inside toys were stuffed and fuzzy. 
Jazzy also had a penchant for counter surfing when she was younger. She ate an entire pound of butter and a loaf of bread. She ate an entire bag of 3 Musketeer minis (wrappers and all) that we had bought for trick or treaters. We had shiny poo in the yard for a week. One Yuletide, I had bought my husband a one pound bag of macadamia nuts (his absolute favorite). I left the bag on the floor, thinking it was trash. Jazzy, during the night, ate the entire bag. Never got sick. I swear her stomach had to be made of steel.
As much as we miss her, 17 is a good age for my special little mutt. She led a good life and was spoiled each and every day.
Now, life is a little off kilter here, but we are moving forward. We are even considering the possibility of adding to our crazy family in the future. 
But for now, things are settled down and I'm back to life in the slow lane. The sun is shining. The snow is gone. Temperatures are beginning to climb. Life in the slow lane isn't all that bad.

I Am So Bad...

I have been so bad about blogging lately. I'm sorry! I could give a million excuses, but they'd be lies. I haven't been blogging because I wasn't sure what to blog about. I mean, my life isn't exactly exciting! So, I thought I'd tell you what has been happening.

I've been working on the edits for The Golden Dragon's Treasure. I've got such awesome people working on it and I'm really focusing on what they'd like to see added/dropped/changed. 

I've also been working on Cedar River series-Book 4. I was trying to finish up one project before beginning another, but Avery wouldn't let me be. He really wanted me to see who Mona is and create her. I had to ask him more than once if he was certain because I was over the moon with his choice. Avery's beautiful Mona is a woman with curves... voluptuous curves. Mona is a size 24 and she is gorgeous. I LOVE that he chose a plus-sized woman! As much as I love Bowie, Adam, and Brady, the Black boys (Avery, Oliver, and Beckett) are my favorites. They all love women with curves! *happy dance*

I've also been bogged down in my algebra. It has my mind spinning and clouding over. When I can concentrate, it seems as if nothing makes sense. I mean, seriously, what will I ever need with point-slope intersect? I think there needs to be a math teacher in one of my books, THEN I may have a use for it :)

I've kind of taken a break from life, in general. I felt like I was running on empty, so I watched stupid television shows, played A LOT of Angry Birds, and let my mind vegetate. I've also been doing a little research and posting to Pinterest. That's where most of my ideas are...my Pinterest boards. Stop by and see my vision for Cedar River. If you're like a few of my friends, you can also ogle the inspiration I use for my characters :)

I promise I will try to blog more and maybe come up with some theme days. Make this spot a little bit more fun! 

My Fascination with Dragons

I'm not sure when it began, but I have a certain fascination with dragons. As a little girl, Sleeping Beauty was my favorite fairytale. In it, Maleficent turned into a dragon. When Prince Philip slayed her (in the Disney version) her blood ran purple. Maybe that was where it began.

I was never encouraged to believe in dragons, gargoyles, fairies, or gnomes. They weren't "realistic" enough. So, it took me growing up to believe in the world of fantasy. Odd, right?

I remember buying my first dragon statue. It came with the name Jamie. I didn't like that name so I changed it. My baby dragon is named Draco. He's a cutie who sits on a shelf beside my bed. I trust him to keep me safe.

I have a series of holiday ornaments that are dragons. I tend to hang them on my holiday tree simply because they fit in with the color scheme.

Then, there are my stories. The Golden boys seem to hold everyone's attention. When I get messages saying, "When does ____ Golden get his story?" I smile. You must also remember Lance and Cameron Smythe, my beautiful blue water dragons.

I never intended to be an urban fantasy/paranormal author. I think it has to do with the "realistic" side of my brain. I didn't think my imagination would expand enough to see what makes the world of fantasy real. And yes, my world is real... at least to me. I get to play in the land of shifters daily. I've been working so hard on putting a couple of contemporary romances in the world that I feel like I'm dying inside. I think I may have to delve back into the UF/PNR waters to keep from falling apart.  

I am so grateful to each of you who has picked up my books and given them a read. My fascination with dragons fueled the series, but my belief in the impossible keeps me writing. Your belief in me feeds my soul as I write.

If you've read either of my books, please be sure to leave a review on Barnes and Noble, Amazon, or Goodreads. You can even drop me a line at gemmakmurray@gmail.com and I'll post your review on my website. I want to hear what I'm doing right. I also am willing to hear what I'm doing wrong.

If you haven't read my books, step into my world and give them a whirl. You never know who you will meet on the streets of Cedar River.