The Last Two Weeks

While I know there are people out there who have had worse weeks than I have, the last two weeks have been very hard at my house.
We have had a sick puppy for about a month, but there was really nothing that could be done. She was simply getting old. 

Klondike ended up having to be carried outside to go potty in her last 3 days. And she really loved it because she has always believed she was a princess (which she was). Her last day on this earth, she and I laid in the sun out in the soft green grass. I told her all of the things I probably had told her over the years, but needed repeating. That night, she fell asleep and passed on to the Rainbow Bridge. Our hearts ache at losing our baby, but we know she's able to run and be with her brother and sisters.

Because she had to be carried out, the hubby would carry her out at night while I was sleeping. One of those nights, he re-injured his back. I mean, bad enough that he's lucky to get out of bed long enough to go potty and hobble back to bed. Everything falls on to me at this point. Because of the erratic schedule of his sleeping (because of the pain), I am cooking 3 different meals for the 2 of us, plus running and fetching for him, not to mention all of the other million things that need to be done during the day.

I'm worn out, run down, and on the verge of breaking. A friend told me that was the good part of being a human being: we fall apart and mend.

I've also been looking for a job which means my spare time is spent filling out applications online with very little writing getting done. That's the hard part of living in the U.P....not a lot of job prospects out there.

So, you know where I've been the last two weeks...on the verge of a breakdown. 

A Giveaway with Wickd Potions

I have some of the most amazingly creative friends in the world. If you have been following my blog, then you may remember my November 2012 blog where I interviewed my "fiend" Jfay, maker of Wickd Potions. (Here's the link to refresh your memory: http://gemmakmurray.blogspot.com/2012/11/getting-wicked-with-wickd-jfay-from.html)

My scents are exclusively from her brilliant mind. I have had several lovely (and sexy) comments about my scents and I often blush because I'm lucky enough to call this lady my friend.

She approached me about doing a giveaway a few weeks ago and I told her "YES!" without a second thought.

Click on the photo above to be taken to Studio 3B's website. You can see the awesome gifts Wickd Jfay is giving away. Here is the list of goodies from JFay and fiends ;) Be sure to stop by and enter to win!

Wick'd Giveaway Prize #1 -- From Paranormal Romance Author Gemma K. Murray, An E-Book Copy of the second book in her Cedar River Series, NATURAL BORN ENEMIES + A Bottle of Bitten By Chocolate from Studio 3B.  Bitten by Chocolate is a Super Sexy Unisex Fragrance with Rich Dark Chocolate, Alluring Amber, and Sultry Vanilla.  And is actually featured in Gemma's story!  So a Fun Set for You to Enjoy! 

Please be sure to visit Gemma K. Murray on Facebook. 

You Can Find NATURAL BORN ENEMIES on Amazon.com. And Visit Her Website!

Wick'd Giveaway Prize #2 -- From Artist Nicole Beziat, a LOVE YOUR WORLD Mousepad, which features her Original Artwork + A Potion Necklace filled with Silent Beauty Perfume from Studio 3B.  Silent Beauty Perfume is a very lovely Fragrance of Black Raspberries, Violet, Vanilla, Apple and Black Currant.  The Necklace is hand adorned with Blue and Clear Jewelry Beads and Features a Silver Star Charm.  The Necklace Length is 20".

Please be sure to Visit Nicole's Zazzle Store to See All of Her Beautiful Fantasy Artwork Items.

Wick'd Giveaway Prize #3 -- From Sexy Vampire Author Cinsearae S., an E-Book Copy of DIARY OF A VAMPIRE STRIPPER + A Bottle of her Signature Fragrance Designed for the Book, Strawberry Strip Tease, from Studio 3B.  Strawberry Strip Tease is a Fun and Flirty Aroma of Sensual Strawberry blended with the Playful Innocence of Bubblegum.....  

Please be sure to Visit Cinsearae's Website and You Can Find her on Facebook as well!

Happy Father's Day

I wanted to take a moment to wish all of the fathers out there a Happy Father's Day. 
Today is the 2nd Father's Day I've had without my dad and I will admit to feeling a little sad today. But I got to thinking about my dad and all the wonderful things I got from him. So, instead of crying and being sad, I'm going tell you why he was such an amazing dad.

First of all, he was a hero. Not just a hero like every little girl thinks of her daddy, but mine was an honest to goodness hero. He served in Vietnam, came home and became a firefighter, lived with PTSD for 20 years, and loved me unconditionally.

He gave me a love of music. Not just the twangy country music he loved, but the oldies as well. I can remember singing along with him in the car wherever we went. It's a habit I just can't shake. I still sing along with the songs on the radio when I'm driving.

He gave me my heart. He showed by example what it meant to be a good human being. He never judged a person by the clothes they wore, or their handicaps. He was kind to everyone and that matters.

He gave me my weird sense of humor. Dad was silly, goofy, and funny. It didn't matter where or with whom. He was constantly trying to crack people up and he was never ashamed of making a fool of himself. Whether it was teasing me mercilessly until I laughed or dressing up in my Christmas clothes and chilling on the couch (yes, I have pictures :)), he brought joy.

He gave me a sense of self. He allowed me to claim my oddness, my faith, and my beliefs with no judgment. He let his little girl find out who she was through trial and error. He never interfered. He simply let me be.

He showed me how to push through the pain. With his PTSD, he was constantly in pain (mentally), but he still laughed. 

He believed I deserved to dance amongst the stars. If he could have brought the heavens down for me, I think he would have.

Sometimes, we are in the presence of angels and don't even realize it. Trust me when I say I knew all along. 
So, I ask  you to hug your dad a little tighter today and hold on a little longer than you need to. He gave you some of the wonderful components that make you you. 

Happy Father's Day!!

Music Calms My Soul

If you have been following my blog postings for any period of time, you know music is a HUGE part of my life. It really doesn't matter what type of music it is. I've been doing an interactive type thing on my Facebook page talking about the music of my life.  

I grew up with a music loving dad. There was always music playing and often Dad would be singing to it. Some days, he's pull out his guitar and strum a few chords. He was no Randy Rhoads or George Strait, but I will never forget his face as he played. It was one of the only times when I could see his soul was at peace.
I learned to sing simply by listening to Dad. He'd put Tanya Tucker in the 8-track (yes, 8-track) and I'd sing along. At my grandma's house, I would listen to Anne Murray and Nat King Cole. I learned to love all types of music very early on.

I'm not saying I'm  Grammy material, but I don't sound like a cat in heat either :) I've sang in choirs. I've sang duets with my best friend. I'd get sick about 20 minutes before we'd perform, but I'd still sing. Now, I sing as I wash dishes or drive back and forth to school. Yes, I'm the crazy woman who is tapping her hands on the steering wheel and singing along with the radio :)

My music collection is filled with all sorts of unexpected twists. I have Celtic Thunder, Celtic Woman, Alice Cooper, and Rob Zombie all on the same playlist. I could blame my characters who dictate what I am listening to most of the time, but I had this music long before I began writing. Pink mingles with Reba. Toby Keith dances with Frank Sinatra. I'm a woman of many tastes.

Each book has it's own soundtrack. Right now, I'm working on 4 different stories. Book 4 in the Cedar River series is my Southern rock obsession. Witch Lake: Book 1 is Sinatra, Botti, and Buble. The erotic romances needing my attention are Nickelback on Pandora radio. My mermaid series doesn't have a playlist yet, but I think she is going to take a weird alternative turn. Either that or folk.

So, tell me: Does music play a huge role in your life? Or is it simply there?

Be Still

For the last few days, I've felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. My characters quit talking to me!!! I was certain that I'm finished as an author. Sure that I would never write another word again. 
Last night, I actually put my fears to words. Tears filled my eyes because I LOVE what I do! My heart beats for the worlds I have created. I put my earbuds in and simply listened...okay, I may have danced a little bit, too, but I allowed myself to be free.
This morning, I walked the dogs and took a look around at the world around me. The vivid colors seemed to beckon for their pictures to be taken. I put the dogs back inside, carried a bottle of water, my camera, and my homemade bug repellent outside, then parked my butt on the picnic table. I took the time to be still.

Want to know what I noticed? The breeze was blowing through the trees and the sun-warmed cedars scented the air. I heard the birds playing in the leaves. For an hour, I sat there and watched a butterfly fluttered from dandelion to dandelion. I listened to the coyote pups yip in their den behind our house. Dragonfly babies landed on the picnic table beside me. I was simply still.

Deep down inside, I'm still that farmer's daughter. I love the smell of the earth and fresh cut grass. I love going barefoot. The grass tickles my toes and I feel like a kid again. I love the sounds of the earth as it comes to life.

In between the vehicles passing my house, I could hear the water across the street. There is something about the water that manages to soothe me. My muse showed up and do you know what the lovely Sebastian told me? "Get out of your own way, babe!" I laughed because I know it's true. If I can just step aside and stop trying to control everything with such a tight rein, the voices speak to me. Maybe it's fear of spinning out of control, but I have a hard time letting go. 

Today's lesson is over. I'm learning to let go and be still. I can't control the ebb and flow of the lake anymore than I can stop time.

Happy Memorial Day!

As most of you know, I am the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. The image above holds a special place in my photo album simply because of that. I've never been to the wall, but I intend to go at some point.
When I was growing up, Memorial Day was always about the parade in our small town, visiting my relatives' graves, and cooking out at home. My dad was never big on celebrating the true reason for Memorial Day...and I now know why. 
However, we are coming up on the anniversary of my loss and I sit here looking at this picture thinking, "But for the grace of the gods..." 
See, if my dad's name would have been on that wall, I wouldn't have been born. He often would talk about his time in Vietnam and how he wished he had stayed, fought, and died for his country, then the PTSD wouldn't have destroyed his life the way that it did. It used to make me cry because if he had done those things, I wouldn't be here and I sure as hell wouldn't be the woman I am today for walking on his journey with him.
He was an amazing man and he was my hero (though I can hear him telling me, "Girl, I ain't nobody's hero"). He sacrificed his mind, body, and soul for this country. He may have come home physically whole, but mentally, he would never be the man he was if he hadn't seen and done the things he did. 

So, today please remember that All Gave Some and Some Gave All. We are free because of the men and women who have put their lives on the line. We are able to BBQ and spend time with our families because these people have given up time with theirs.

Learning to Live

Most of you who have been with me for a while know that I'm coming up on a pretty big anniversary. It's been a year since I lost one of the most important people in my life...my dad. That one event threw my world off its axis and I've spent the better part of a year trying to get it back on track.

So here I sit, almost an entire year older and I hope a little wiser. I've been through a lot in the last year, but what I have discovered is that I need to learn how to live. For the most part, I've been simply going through the motions, but I haven't really been living life.
I had a professor this year who told me I need to loosen up, let my hair down, and just have some fun. I sat across from this man who I consider a brilliant man and was dumbfounded. 

He told me I wasn't having fun with my writing. I thought I was having a ball with my writing. I mean, writing is a serious business, right? The good doctor looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Writing is a very serious business, but if you aren't having any fun, then why the hell are you doing it?" This from the Absent-minded professor? (The brilliant man could never remember where we were when it came to writing assignments.) I walked away from this meeting in a different frame of mind...one that really had me thinking.

I put aside what I was working on and put all of my efforts into something new and different. I focused on my blog for school (http://iambeautifulat.blogspot.com) and my algebra homework. I picked up a book I've been wanting to read and delved beneath the pages. I found myself smiling more and laughing with friends. I simply stopped trying to live and actually lived.

School came to an end. I finished my exams and I'm not worried about my grades. Why? Because once I stopped worrying about things, it all began to work. I'm simply letting go.

Yesterday, I got up, popped Nickelback on my MP3 player, tied on my tennis shoes, and went for a walk. I have been having some issues lately and I needed to work them out in my head. A lot of my issues deal with the negative voices in my head. Somebody told me it's a record that I need to stop listening to. So, on my walk, I took the record and smashed the hell out of it. There is no way that record can be put back together.

Somewhere along the way this year, I lost sight of me. I stopped believing in myself and thus, lost my passion. I deserve passion! I owe it to myself and I will damn well have it!

So this is me...I'm letting my hair down, giving a huge rebel yell, and I'm barefooting it for awhile. I'm almost 41. I'm not dead. I'm alive and kicking. This is my year of learning to live!