After the Fall...

Yesterday was the day where I didn't feel like getting out of bed or going to class. I forced myself...okay, I'll be honest here, Diesel forced me to get up. My depression was at an all time low. I felt unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and unneeded.

Well, Diesel fixed one of those for me. He definitely needed me...to run him outside for his potty, to feed him, to change his water, and to get out of "his" bed. 

I figured since I was up and had to go to classes. I was doubting so much about myself: not sure if I even belong in the academic world anymore. Questioning myself, my decisions, and my abilities to actually do this. I sat in Journalism and texted my best friend all during class, tears streaming down my cheeks because I hurt so badly. 

Something I should explain...I told him that I didn't think he truly had my back (a promise we had made to each other...we'd always have each other's back). I hurt him. I pissed him off. And you know why? Because for the last two years, he's ALWAYS been the one to have my back...ALWAYS!!!!! I hurt him and I hurt because of it. I love this man so much and I promised I would never hurt him. 

I made it to my Women's Studies class and I have NO idea what we discussed. My mind and heart were on the text messages exchanged previously. But I reached some clarity...I was the one who didn't have HIS back. In the midst of all the drama, I let him down. I was acting like a spoiled brat who wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and how she wanted it. I never once gave thought to how he must feel, what he must be struggling with, what I could do to help him. Instead, I felt sorry for ME!

He came for dinner last night before his late class. He gave me more of his time than I deserved, to be honest. We laughed. I cried. We straightened out the mess that was created when people text message. (Trust me, if you need to say something important, DON'T TEXT IT!!! Instead call the person so they can hear the emotion in your voice. How you might mean something to sound isn't revealed through text and your meaning can be taken all wrong.) I apologized for acting like a spoiled ass brat. He gave me this look that only he can give me and said "Never once have I thought you were spoiled." (Did I ever mention how perfectly imperfect he is?) For the record, he also said he's never thought I was an ass or a bitch. LOL When he left, I felt more loved, wanted, and worthy than I'd felt in a while. I am hoping he can say the same thing.

This little bump in the road made me realize just how much I take for granted, including him. See, I love him dearly. He's been there for the roughest two years and he's stuck around. Why? I have no idea, but he's here. He has been my rock, my soul, my friend, my partner, my shoulder, my safe place, my laughter, and my heartbeat. When I say that he is the reason my world turns, I am not lying. He's kept me moving forward with only occasional glances backward. He's taught me so much more than he can ever realize...one lesson I'm learning now is that I'm strong. I need to be...he deserves a much better person to walk beside him on this journey than I've been lately.

So, I've written a bit today. I've applied for jobs. I've looked at places for Diesel and I to live. And I'm making a plan...summer classes which will ease me right into the fall semester which will lead me up to a spring graduation with a bachelor's degree, if I plan it all right. It's going to take some time and hard work, but I can do this. But most of all, I am making a commitment to be the friend my best friend deserves. One who doesn't see him as her be all end all, but as the one who is willing to walk through fire for him, to crawl across molten glass to ease his pain, to die for him, if he needs her to...you know? The kind of friend he has been to me.

After the fall...I've found that I'm the exact person I was trying so hard to not become, but I can fix me. I'm the only one who can.

Surviving...

The last two days have been way more emotional than necessary. See, my beautiful, amazing, and brilliant roommate moved out yesterday. We had discussed the possibility of this happening, but that doesn't mean it didn't rock me to the very core of my foundation.

One of the things I admire, respect, and love about him is his devotion to his family. And let me tell you, what I know of his family...well, I can see why. They are the best of the best. And that is why he moved out...his family needed him.

I cried. I raged. I bitched at the gods that I hold holy. I simmered. I fell apart. I vented. I moved my stuff into his old room. I figured things out...sort of.

But the most important thing of all had been avoided...talking to him. You'd have to understand my esteem issues to know my thought process. Fortunately for me, he does. He gets me like no one else. As I simmered and was prepared for him to say "Goodbye", I finally worked up the nerve to confront him and his words to me? "This is not goodbye!" And he repeated it as often as I needed him to until I finally started to believe it. See, in the two years that we've been friends, we NEVER say "Goodbye". It is always "See you later." But my mind jumps to the worst...like always. We hugged. I cried. He held on when I was ready to let go and he promised me that this would all work out. We'd be okay. Not "You'll be okay." Not "I'll be okay," but "We'll be okay."

© Sitha Suppalertpis

Diesel and I spent our first night on our own last night. He spent his night crying and not knowing how to deal with moving into a different room. However, I got to spend my morning, snuggling up to him and thinking about the next step from here. We've got time. We've got breathing room. We've got this. No matter what, I know we've got this.

I'm discovering that I am a survivor. I know it might not seem like much to you, but it is everything to me...it means I am stronger than I ever thought.

And loving someone means letting them go so they can deal with what they need to deal with. It's being the rock for the one who has been a rock for you all this time. It's trusting that he will walk through his fire and come through it stronger than ever. 

We will survive this. We will thrive because of this. This will only make us stronger people and better friends. When I tell you that he is the best part of my life, I'm not exaggerating by any means.

Why Do You Write Romance?

I've been seeing this question pop in my FB feed on a daily basis. So many authors have these sweet stories or quotes to use. This question did get me thinking though...especially on the holiest of days for the romance addicts of the world. So, I asked myself, "Gemma, why do you write romance?" The answer is not nearly as sweet and thoughtful as others I've read, but here we go: 

© Clarita | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I write romance because I need to believe it still exists. Romance is not a prevalent part of my life. It hasn't really ever been. See, I was the little girl who believed in Prince Charming and happily ever after. Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing in all of that and settled for what I could get. I guess I write romance to give that little girl, who lives inside of me, hope of finding her Prince and getting her happily ever after.

I am not a woman who believes in grand romantic gestures. Honestly, flowers die, chocolates go nasty, and I eat dinner every day. 

See? Love can simply be two friends caring about each other. It doesn't have to be all mushy and icky. I am a huge fan of practical!

My best friend showed up one day with a package of my very favorite pens in the world. I hate using any other pen except this type. That gesture made me cry. Why? Because in the middle of whatever he was doing at the moment he saw those, he thought of me. This same friend is also my current roommate. We had a mouse problem in this house we're living in. What did he do? He built me a bucket trap which he tucked in a corner so I don't have to look at it. He empties it when it needs to be emptied. This gesture warmed my heart. Why? Because he knows how much I despise the furry little Satan's spawns. 

I know you're reading this saying, "Awww...but Gemma, what do you do for him?" Let me tell you: I make sure there is ham and cheese in the fridge because I know how much he loves 'ham and cheesers'. I will spend twenty minutes shredding potatoes because I know he likes hashbrowns for breakfast. I clean the house because I know he likes it clean, but hates to clean it. And I make sure there is a bottle of wine in the house because I know there are days when he needs that more than anything else.

See? Practicality wins every time!!

I know, right? A romance author who has a hard time with the mushy love stuff? Who would've thought? Somewhere along the line my romantic side was busted. Maybe it was in high school when every girl got a flower except me. Maybe it was later on when the guys I dated just didn't care about romancing me. I don't know. I am sure of one thing: Love is about lifting each other up and holding on when the other feels like letting go (not in that weird stalkerish way). It 's loving each other through the rough spots in life and holding on to that hand when they feel like all hope is gone.

Dedicated to My Diesel...

WARNING: I'M HAVING A SAD SORT OF DAY TODAY! TEARS MAY BE INVOLVED!!!!!

Before Diesel became a part of my life, I did the research. For me, it was extremely important to know what I was getting myself into. I mean, a mastiff is a HUGE dog and with a dog of this size comes issues, right? That and getting a dog is a massive responsibility.

I read all the breeders' websites I could find and the health issues were far outweighed by the love this breed has. One thing so many breeders spoke of was the snoring. One even went so far as to post a video of her male and female, lying on either side of her, snoring in stereo. It made me laugh. I mean, c'mon, is it really that bad?

Diesel came to be and the puppy snores were the best. There was absolutely nothing about this dog that didn't make me fall in love with him more every day. He was always the best. He was housebroken very easily and quickly (less than a week). He helped mend my broken heart. There were days when I wondered who fell in love first, me or him. (I still wonder this sometimes.) And to this day, I wonder who chose who. I mean, this is the first puppy who climbed the fence to get to me.

As I sit here typing this out before heading to class, Diesel is on his back on the sofa, snoring his little heart out as if he hadn't slept all night. He sleeps in my bed, snoring all night long, so I know better. I don't know how many times I have to nudge him with my foot because he is snoring and "running". And, yes, the snores are as bad as the breeder's video showed!!! But do you want to know something? I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. There will come a day when I don't have those precious snores to wake me up at night or the dreaming to make me nudge him awake.

So many of my mastiff friends are losing their babies and it had me thinking this morning. With the love of a big dog comes the reality that they don't live as long as we'd like. My Diesel turned 6 years old in December. My best friend tells me that he believes Diesel will live to be 12 or 13 and I pray that is the truth. The thought of losing the love of my life breaks my heart to even imagine. A life with no puppy snores, no thumping of a tail when L comes home, no doggy kisses, no drool all over my good clothes as I'm heading out for the night, and no Diesel snuggles is a life that will be very sad. 

So for today (and tonight), I will treasure all the love that this big lug holds for the me and the men I've brought into his life. He cherishes his humans as much as we treasure him. I've lost count of the times I've heard, "I love Diesel" from any one of them. It shows me that at the end of Diesel's days, he will have touched many and been loved by all who have met him. 

Back To School...

I am currently sitting in class waiting for it to start. With time to spare, I thought I'd stop by and say "Hello. I've missed you all!"

Classes started on Monday for me and it looks as though this is going to be a great semester. I've got classes that are really making me think and that is a wonderful thing. I hate being in classes where I simply sit and daydream. It doesn't inspire me to do my best. The constant drone merely lets me know that this is a place I don't want to be in. The one class I couldn't wait for may actually be that sort of class. I'm giving it another day and hoping I will actually be inspired.

I've been working on building a website and I'm very happy with the way it is turning out. It is taking a lot of work, but the input I've received is saying that it is well on its way to being completed. I need to finish the book though before I launch it for you.

Class is about to start so I will sign off for now. I hope you all have a very blessed day and that you find inspiration in every moment.