Holding Space

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend. Things have been going fairly well, but there are things that are weighing on my heart. This world and the situation we find ourselves in isn't helping.

My friend told me to "Just sit in this situation for now. Get your balance. Build that foundation." And that was just the advice I needed.

My life isn't in a bad place. I'm financially doing just fine. I've got a few things on my plate, but nothing I can't handle. However, I need to deal with what's there before adding anything more. This means I need to hold space for myself for a little bit.

I'm working on letting go of things and people who no longer allow me to live my best life. I'm trying to release the past and live where I am. I'm finding the things I'm passionate about and letting them be what I focus on when my anxieties are riding high. Most of all, I'm learning to dream again. 

I wish I could explain to you how good that feels. I had given up on so many things lately. Instead of thriving where I was planted, I was surviving and only just. However, lately, I've been doing things I would never dream of doing before. I've signed up for a project that will take me so far out of my comfort zone that I can't see how I will return from it unchanged. I'm beginning to see the direction I want to steer this ship of mine. 

But for now, I'm allowing the waves to lap at my hull as I sit in the safe harbor where I'm anchored. And I'm holding space...for myself for a change. 

I'm so used to holding space for other people. So often, I just let my problems and my shit be pushed down so I can help those I love most. But if I have learned anything from this journey, I've learned that I cannot give from an empty cup. I cannot nourish you while starving myself. 

So, for now, I'm working on things that make me happy. (Including a new blog called "What Makes You Beautiful-Going Beyond the Looking Glass" It's a blog about finding your beauty at any age.) I'm allowing the dreams to come and who knows where I'll end up. I just hope you all stick around for the crazy journey!

Coronavirus 2020

How is everybody? I want to take a few moments to check in and let you know that if you need to open up, I'm here. It may take me a day or two to respond, but I read every comment/email and will get back to you.

I'm still working my day job though our office is closed to the public. As a seasonal worker, my concern is finding another day job with this #SaferAtHome thing going on. I still have bills and need to find a way to keep paying them.

I have family members and friends who are like family who have suppressed immune systems or health issues that have them living in fear for their very lives. 

I tell you all of this so you know that anxiety and depression is running at an all-time high in several areas of my world. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This mess keeps us isolated from each other, but reach out!

I have a best friend who I am missing dearly. We still message every day. Isn't the same as sitting down and having a conversation, but it works for now. 

This time is a big struggle for many. Essential workers are struggling being away from their family members and dealing with people who just don't understand how dire this situation is. Non-essential workers are struggling with being isolated from the world at large.

If you can, get out in the sunshine and embrace nature, allowing Mother Earth to hold you tightly against her. If that isn't an option, don't spend all of your downtime in front of the television or on social media. Read a book. Write in a journal. Meditate. Love on your pets. Clean your space. 

If you go out into the world for whatever reason, you have, please remember to be kind. Nobody is happy with the state of the world at the moment. We are all dealing with internal struggles and we are simply humans. Showing patience and kindness harms no one.

You are loved. You are needed. You are doing just fine. And you are not alone in your feelings.

Let's Have a Conversation...

I've been away for longer than I intended. I thought I'd step back for a hot minute and it turned out to be much longer. But I also haven't had a lot to say. I've been writing. I've been working. I've been handling the shit Life has tossed at me. Something happened last week and I wanted to have a conversation.

There isn't a lot I share about my personal life on social media. Am I single? Am I married? Do I have kids? Do I not? If I passed you on the street, would you know me? Do you think you really know me simply because I post my thoughts or share memes that touch my heart? Please don't make assumptions like that! Unless we have had real conversations about the things in our lives that really matter, please don't ever think you truly know me.

So, I follow a page on Facebook. I love this page for the way it uplifts me and other women. It helps with my self-esteem issues. 

I made a comment. I make a lot of comments on the various posts. I even got bold enough to share a photo of myself on that page. And the one comment that got a reaction was one I made about my divorce. 

I had three guys message me. One asked if I could talk to him about how I got up the nerve to leave. The other two wanted things I just wouldn't provide them. I accepted the one message request and said "Hi!" 

I'm always up for helping people if I can. My story is simply my story. However, it what I've been through can help someone, I'm willing to share my survival. Then, this person sent me a picture. Of his dick! Uhm...I was on my lunch break at work. That wasn't what I wanted or needed to see. I mean, I understand he's proud of it, but from a female who has seen more impressive, I can't understand why. I thought about my response for a few minutes before I actually messaged him back. 

My first reaction was to immediately block his ass. My second response was to make a snarky, biting comment. The last response was the one I went with. I told him that I really didn't appreciate the picture. I, then, explained very nicely how I don't measure a man's worth on the size of what is in his pants. I think there are better qualities to measure a man's worth by. I went on to explain that as much I try not to judge people, I was judging him very harshly on the fact that instead of asking about me or asking about my story, he thought sending me that picture was acceptable social behavior. 

Then, I blocked his ass. 

For the men out there, trust me when I tell you that any dick pics you send us, we share with our girlfriends and usually have a good laugh over. (#TrueStory) Never said it was the right thing to do. However, if you think for a moment that women don't have conversations about this shit, you'd be wrong.
Also, please stop and think for a moment before you do something stupid.

My point to this rant is this: Never presume that because you read something a person posts on social media that you know them. I made a comment about my divorce, but that doesn't mean that I'm still single. Doesn't mean I'm not. Just means that I am divorced. Never think a woman wants to see your junk. Unless she specifically says, "Hey, show me what you got!" DON'T send that picture. 

We are all human beings worthy of respect and love. Just like most people only share their happy moments on social media, please don't think that people share every piece of their life. 
You want to get to know someone? Have a conversation. Never think you know them because of a post or picture you've seen.
Have a blessed week! Stay healthy and wash your hands. Be kind to one another.

I'll Always Remember You Young

This song has been playing on the radio a lot lately. It catches my ear, but I seldom hear all of the words simply because I'm lost in my own thoughts most days. However, the other day was a rough one. 

Christmas is always tough time, but this was the first one without my partner in crime, my rock, my best friend...my beautiful boy, Diesel. My heart has been a bit heavier this year. I've been missing my grandparents, my dad, Diesel, my cousin (and now his partner) and my mind has traveled across the ethereal plane, wondering if they are all okay.

The first time I remember asking my grandma how old she was, she answered, "I'm 53." She wasn't much older then than I am now. I cannot imagine Grandma coloring her hair wild colors and wearing the clothes I wear. But in my mind, she is forever 53. Playing ball with us kids, making date candy into dog turd shapes to give to her baby brother, and playing Chinese checkers on rainy Saturdays.

My grandpa is frozen in time as a younger man. Reminding me to hold my silverware like a lady, to not wear my cap so far down on my ears cuz "ladies don't have cauliflower ears", and buying his only granddaughter plastic collectible ponies for Christmas.

My parents will be forever in their thirties. Back when they were happy. Back before Dad's PTSD took over his life. Back when we were still a family.

My cousin will always be 18 (and I can hear him laughing). I remember his smile...god, how I loved him. Driving to town with him to pick up his paycheck, Billy Idol blasting on the radio, no cares in the world. 

I know my cousin, Beth, will laugh, but to me, she'll always be 16. Rimming my waterline with black eyeliner while Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons rocked out on the television in her parents' living room. She is the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had.

And my darling Diesel will forever be the puppy who loved to be carried to bed, sung "Baby Mine", and was the best friend a girl could ask for.

 

My friends are forever frozen in time at 18. When our futures were bright, life was simple, and the world was ours for the taking.

The other day, someone asked me what I was like when I was younger. I paused a moment or two and let my mind travel back in time. I wasn't much different than I am now. Ballsy. Full of sass. Full of spirit. I was the girl who hung out with the guys with jacked-up trucks on Main Street on Friday night, her best friend by her side. Driving backroads with the windows down and the music up loud. Seeing just how much trouble we could find. My nose wasn't always in a book, but pretty damn often. I dreamed of getting out of the one horse town and being someone special. I had big dreams and lofty aspirations. 

I've often wondered how people remember me. If they remember me at all. I'm sure I'm the bad guy to some, wounded to others, beautiful with an ugly heart/ugly with a beautiful heart, unlovable, untouchable, and I'm sure the list goes on. I just hope someone somewhere remembers me fondly as someone who gave her all. And always remembers me young!

Making Memories

I'm not a person for taking photos. I will take them of the dogs, but everything else falls by the wayside. A friend mentioned the other day that I'm too busy being part of the memories to worry about photographing them. This got me thinking. I have a lot of photographs from various family gatherings. However, my favorite memories live in my heart. 

Tis the season... And these days, I get lost in memories. I let the reminiscing carry me where it will since I believe that I'm supposed to learn from them. When this popped up in my feed the other day, my very favorite memory came to mind.

I was a little girl, probably around 8 or 9. Most of you know that I was a farmer's daughter. And it was a life that I loved more than anything. Of course, growing up on a dairy farm, life and death were always lurking about. Life was my favorite part. Better yet was the babies. Dreams of being a vet filled my days. My dad saw me. He really saw me and knew me better than most. 

It was a cold night. I was fresh from the bath and in my warm flannel nightgown. Dad was in the barn, waiting for a cow to give birth. Mom was getting my brother into his nightclothes when Dad called up from the barn. The cow was in labor and he thought I'd like to be there to see the calf come into the world. I remember Mom saying, "But she just got out of the bathtub." Whatever Dad said to her, I heard Mom say, "I'll send her down." I put on my winter barn boots and my winter coat before making the trek down to the barn. 

I close my eyes and I can still smell the warmth of the barn. The scent of warm milk mixing with the smell of the cows. To most people, the odors alone would make them roll their eyes. To me, it is home.

Anyway...Dad was leaning against the barn wall, waiting and watching. He had a thermos of coffee in case it was a longer night than he hoped. I remember the silence as I stepped in front of him and he hugged me tight as we waited. Eventually, he turned an old bucket upside down and had a seat, pulling me into his lap. We sat in complete silence as we watched the cow tremble and push. Slowly, the feet began to emerge and I held my breath. Dad smiled and rubbed my back, reminding me to breathe. Eventually, the calf, a huge bull, was born. Dad got up and cleaned the newborn, made sure he could stand, and let the new baby eat. Once mother and baby were bedded down for the night, we turned off the lights, then walked hand in hand back to the house.

No words were spoken between father and daughter that night, but volumes were said. And the most amazing memory was made. In that moment, I was seen as the person I was becoming.

It took over 30 years before I felt that way again...seen for who I was and who I was becoming. That memory began with a funny comment and the beautiful laugh that belonged to the man with the charismatic smile and that memory is for another day. And while this memory belongs solely to him and me, this song means so much to me because of the truth it holds.

An Exercise in Forgiveness

Last night, I watched a movie that hit me at the very deepest, darkest depths of my soul. It triggered emotions that I thought I'd buried deep enough that they'd never surface again. I sobbed and cried like I haven't sobbed and cried in a very long time.

I went to bed, tears still in my eyes. This morning when I woke up, it hit me hard. For the majority of my life, I've been expecting people to love me the way I needed to be loved. I didn't accept that they may be loving me the only ways they knew how.

I have always felt at a deficit because of this. Then, the man with the charismatic smile showed up and saw me. He really saw me and all that went with me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a disappointment.  I didn't feel inadequate. I didn't feel like an embarrassment. I didn't feel like I was too much. I felt, for the first time in my entire life, like I was enough. 

I prayed for him for years. I prayed for that feeling for years. And when it arrived, I couldn't believe it was happening or that it would stay. I didn't recognize the contentedness. 

So, today, I'm releasing forgiveness into the universe. For being angry at people who loved me in the only ways they knew, for blaming others for my feelings, for the apologies that have/will never come, and for myself, for allowing these things to keep me from seeing love when it arrived. 

I write this to encourage you to forgive those who have done wrong by you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is not an excuse for keeping toxic people in your life. It is an agent to help with the healing of your heart and moving forward in a positive manner.

Love and light to you all!

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I have pondering a lot of things lately. Like why things have happened the way they have, why I took a left at Albuquerque instead of that right, why I work this horrific retail job, why I met the man with the charismatic smile, just the fun stuff in life, ya know?

I didn't encourage my ex-husband to take the job in Groton, Connecticut because I needed to make sure we couldn't fix what was broken. If we had moved there, well, things would definitely have been different. *G* And the man who lived in Groton had to live his life first.

I went back to school and moved to WI with my former friend because I had to learn to stand on my own two feet without help from anyone. I had to learn to believe in myself.
By going to the college that I chose, I met the man with the charismatic smile, who changed my life more than he will ever understand. He saw beauty where I could only see the ugliness, brilliance where I only saw stupidity, and hope where I only saw despair. And love beyond all compare.

My dearest and bestest friend told me that the reason I work the horrific retail job was to meet her, and I don't think she's wrong. Because I met her and my life changed for the better. We have this bond that is unreal some days. We feed off each other's emotions (good and bad) and share a wicked sense of humor. She's one of those people I would have forever missed had I never met her.

The horrific retail job also led me to the office job that I adore. One night, a customer walked in and changed my life. She took me from receptionist to office manager, giving me opportunities that I would never have anticipated. She allows me to shine and pushes me to be better.

Things have been happening lately that have me wondering if things will ever work out. I have been questioning if God/the universe/the fates will ever untangle this mess. I wonder why the things happening are happening and none of it makes sense to me. However, if this blog shows anything, it seems that the Powers that Be really do know what they're doing. I may have found the man with the charismatic smile in Groton, but we had to wait until we were both in Wisconsin first. Because I had to be here to find a horrific job that led me to my dearest friend and the job I adore. 

The people who arrive in your life are meant to be there. Whether it is a lesson, a reason, or a season, they are there to help you on this journey. After all, (and I heard this quote for the first time the other day) "We're all just walking each other home." (Quote by Ram Dass)