Making the Grade

The other day, I was surfing the net and found a blog post from a mom who was frustrated with her son. There's not much news there, right? What mother doesn't get frustrated with their children? However, this post took me back to a place that I would rather not go...my past. See, this mother and father are upset because they think their teenage son, a senior in high school, is not taking his future seriously. Instead of studying for an upcoming exam, he was more focused on playing video games. They believed their son lacked ambition. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't...the point is that this kid was getting good grades...without studying.

I was that son...okay, I was a daughter, but still...you get my point. I was constantly being reminded that I needed to apply myself and how my grades were more important than having fun with my friends. Now, like the son in the blog post, I made decent grades. I wasn't a straight-A student, but I probably could've been. I worked part-time all through high school and school came easy. I made B's without making an effort. Blowing off homework to have fun with my friends on the weekend was part of my life. My homework always made it in the teachers' hands (and no, I didn't copy off someone else). I can still hear my mom and grandma saying, "If you'd just apply yourself..."

Apply myself to what? The one dream I had was dashed on the rocks before I ever made it to high school. I had no idea what the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. Some days, I still wonder if I'll ever get it all figured out. Anyway, how do you apply yourself to something when you have no clue where you're headed? And what is funny is that no one asked me what I wanted to be. But I wasn't being pushed to go to college. I wasn't being steered in any direction. I don't think anyone ever thought I'd be more than someone's wife and mother.

I've made it to college and I'm working on my degree. I work hard for my grades, but let me share something with you. I've applied myself to the science and math classes because I was working toward my BS. I've failed miserably. I've studied until I cannot see anything except fx(g) or metamorphic vs. sedimentary rocks. What do those things have to do with an English degree? Nothing. Where will I use these things? I won't. However, they are part of the "core requirements" for a BS, so I'm forced to take them. Two semesters I took and retook math and geology in the hopes of getting better grades than the previous semester. Because of my BS, I needed those classes. I grew frustrated and I kept hearing the words, "If only you'd apply yourself...you're just being lazy." My depression was at an all-time high. I've finally remedied the situation and am working on a BA instead. Still need the math, but I've got the science requirement covered.

I sat in my math class that second semester with Mr. Charismatic Smile from the previous semester and almost lost it when he walked in. He had this huge smile on his face and he sat down with me. Tears filled my eyes when I told him that I felt stupid. (I hate it when people tell me I'm stupid/not smart/unintelligent/lazy/etc.) He squeezed my hand and said, "No, you're not. You're in the same boat as me. This just doesn't make sense to us. But you are NOT stupid. I'm not stupid. We're just not able to comprehend this stuff." In fact not too long ago, he shared this and I cried:

So, here's a little bit of advice: Don't tell your kids that their grades define them, they don't. It doesn't matter if  your kid gets an A or a C on a test. Hell, it doesn't matter if they fail it. You need to ask your kid where they see their life going, who they want to be, where they want to go. Maybe your kid doesn't want to go to college right now. Yes, it would be easier, but in all seriousness, your kid getting a job at a gas station or factory isn't the end of the world. They may just find out who they are. And going to college? It may not be in the cards for your child, at least, not now. But the decision needs to be THEIRS. They're not stupid or lazy because they don't follow the goals YOU laid out for THEM. And teaching your children to stress over getting a B instead of an A, well, that just turns them into people who think they have to please you. Teach them to set goals for themselves and live up to THEIR expectations. And just a little FYI: relaxing in front of a video game or a computer screen or even with a book isn't going to kill your kid. You might be surprised at how much they actually learn...about how to manage stress. Take it from someone is just now learning how to deal with stress...like biology, algebra, and English, teaching a child to deal with stress is just as important.

 I've changed my major three times since I started college. I'm finally content on my choice, but that college debt is all mine. I've made mistakes and I own each of them, but you know what? At the end of the day, I took my own path, not the one carved out for me, and I'm so much happier now.

Sure you want Junior to be successful, but what is success really? My definition is this: Success is being happy with your life. It's not about a big house, a fancy car, or a big paycheck. It's about paying your bills, having a roof over your head and food on your table. Success is being able to look at yourself in the mirror and liking the person you see there. Happiness=success and no one can convince me otherwise.

How Can I Say Thanks?

This isn't one of those mushy posts where I tell everyone how much I love them and thank them for making me, well, me.

You don't have to know me personally to know my struggles. Financially, emotionally, mentally...we all have them. Mine aren't any different from anyone else's. I'm not special or pretending to be. But today, I took a step in the right direction. I put a payment down to insure my future will be better than my today. That my dreams will come true. That I will be able to have it all!

I've fought this war within myself for the better part of a year. An independent woman who asks no one for anything. Who will go without simply out of pride. I've cried and rallied at the universe for the issues I've faced. For the people I've lost. Today, I learned a very valuable lesson. I'm strong. I'm determined. I can stand on my own (despite being told I would never be able to do it). I learned that sometimes I amaze myself and in the best ways.

I'm not a confident woman. If you've read some of my blog posts, you know that. But today, I'm standing a little bit taller. I've done something that makes me proud of who I am and where I am.

I didn't get to this point by taking the easy way. My mom has told me on occasion that I don't have to try and climb over the mountain. I could have just walked around it instead. She's right! The problem is that I don't always see two paths, so I take the one I see instead of blazing my own. People have left me when I thought they'd always stay. Friends have stabbed me in the back. It is to these people that I say my thank yous! Because they left or hurt me, I found my own strength. Their words were often hurtful and unfair, but you know what? They taught me the lessons I needed to learn. For that I'm eternally grateful. Had they not left my life and not looked back, I may not be sitting here today, writing about how I found my truth and strength.

I cannot depend on someone else to make my dreams come true. That is all on me! Today, I took one step closer to seeing this dream through. It may not seem like much to you, but it is a big deal in my world. I kicked off the covers, took a deep breath, and flipped off all the people who said I'd never make it without them. I've cried and fought against the changing tides, but it has gotten me nowhere. So, I went out to sea with the tides and let the waters swallow me, change me, wash me of all my doubts.

I'm taking control of my dreams and I'll be damned if anyone takes the control away from me. This is MY life and I will live it MY way. I deserve happiness. I am worthy. I'm on my way!

A Throwback Girl

Have you ever felt as if you were born in the wrong era? As if you fell into a time where you didn't belong? *raises hand* Yep, that's me. I'm a throwback to a time when life was simpler.

You've read my previous posts. You know I am a woman who is more than a little old-fashioned. I cook and bake from scratch. I garden and freeze my own veggies. I make my own jams. Hell, I make my own soaps and lotions, too. Technology is great, but I miss the simpler times.

Mr. Charismatic Smile shared this the other day and it brought this post to the forefront of my mind.

Now, don't get me wrong! I'm all for people wearing what they want to wear, but I'm such a sucker for a man who can pull off a suit and tie. Yeah, I know...I like the jeans and hoodie/t-shirt look, too. However, there is such a classic look when a man puts on a three piece suit and dress shoes.

I'm not a fashion-minded person. I don't know designers. Hell, I had to ask my former roommate who the hell Kate Spade was and what made her special. Did the same thing with Coach. (He laughed at me and said, "You're a girl. Shouldn't you know these things?) I buy what I like because I like it. I don't care about a name. I'm not a fan of skinny jeans on men or the hipster look, in general. I prefer it if my guy wears jeans more often than a suit, but putting on a suit for an evening out or church on Sunday...mmmm...that works.

I'm so much of a throwback that I just ordered this dress:

I wear a garter belt and seamed stockings under all of my skirts. I wear heels as often as is possible. I love the femininity of it all. (Yeah, I'm the same woman who lives in jeans and t-shirts/hoodies and hiking boots.) I love the 40s feel to it. While it all is making a comeback in certain areas, I'm finding it easier to embrace my curves with some of the retro looks. 

There is so much changing in my life that I can hear my grandmother's voice playing in my head about how she's finally got her girly-girl granddaughter! I hated wearing dresses when I was younger. The first skirt I bought as an adult was one that hung to my ankles. (I have a gypsy skirt on my Amazon wish list, too.) I could get away with it, my bathing suit would include swim pants that go to my ankles. But I'm learning to embrace my feminine side the more I grow to accept my body. My curves aren't necessarily meant to be hidden. I'm trying to embrace them. 

In my hometown, there was a classic car event every July. My best friend and I loved that particular weekend. The old cars would roll into town and 50s music would play. We were two girls who loved the cars as much as the events that took place. The cruise was the best part. Especially at night when everyone brought the cars out to cruise Main Street. So many classic beauties would arrive and show off. It was almost as if we stepped back in time.

I'm very much a June Cleaver in a Kim Kardashian world. I love technology and all if affords me, but simplicity has a lot going for it as well. And classical! Being a classic never goes out of style! Think of the sexiest men and women out there...Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe. They had classical looks and a style that truly hasn't gone out of style.

So, tell me...in what era do you think you belong?

The Reason We're Really Here

It has been a long time since I made a post about the actual books themselves and, let's face it, that's why we're really here. I haven't been doing much promotion for a few reasons: A) I was not happy with my publisher. B) I didn't believe anyone wanted to read my stories. C) My depression made me believe I'd never write another story. Here's the good news: I have the rights back for Keeper and Enemies will follow in June. I know people want to read my stories. I've opened the fourth and fifth books up and remembered why I love this series...the characters are incredible! I've read some of the dialogue I wrote so long ago and laughed out loud.

So...I thought I'd tell you a little bit about books that you may not have known.

Did I ever tell you that Adam and Luna weren't even on my radar? I mean, c'mon, Adam had maybe 3 lines in Keeper. The second book was actually supposed to be Fire and Ice. It was going to be about Lance and Pearl. Then, Adam pushed his way through to the forefront and let his demands be known. Then, the rest of the cast followed his example. Fire and Ice is...well...on ice at the moment while I work on those damn Black boys and Gideon...sigh...Gideon.

Mr. Fischer was a character who appeared from out of nowhere. As a writer, I know that every character has a purpose, but my original thought was "What on earth could Mr. Fischer be here for?" After all, he was ornery and just an unpleasant person...unless you were Luna. He actually reminds me of an old family friend (who has passed away). He acted like he was ornery when it actuality, he had a heart of pure gold and was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. Mr. Fischer taught me a lot.

Samson...oh, sweet Samson! Do you know I put the book aside for three days after I wrote his scene? Three days and I wasn't sure I wanted to write again. Samson is the one character I love as much as the main characters. He's the bear shifter version of my dad. And my father passed away before Enemies was released. I had the contract which he knew about and was proud of, but the book hadn't been released yet. He never knew about the third book. I had been able to keep him alive with my dear Samson.

There is actually a thought in the back of my mind to make a cookbook based on Lorelai's recipes. It's just a dream at this point because I'm not sure it's a feasible idea at the moment. A) I'm not sure if people would be interested. B) I'm not sure people actually do a lot of cooking anymore. C) I'd have to do a lot of cooking and making things look pretty for pictures. LOL

Here's a funny little fact: Adam was loosely based on someone who used to walk through the theater where I used to write. How funny is it that the real-life version (looks, personality, attitude, everything) of Adam entered my life over a year and a half ago? 5 years AFTER the books were released? I will admit that my heart skipped a few beats when he walked in the door. I mean, after all this time, Adam is still the main character who has my heart. Gideon makes me sigh and I love the Black boys, but Adam is...damn near perfect!

As you can see, if you have crossed my path at some point, you will end up in my stories. If you know me personally, I wonder if  you've found yourself in the stories yet. If you have, let me know! It would be funny if you could figure it all out.

Some more book news for you: The covers for Keeper and Enemies are finished! Keeper is going to go back to the original title that I had: The Sheriff and the Hellraiser. Enemies will remain Natural Born Enemies. The first round of edits for the former Keeper are almost finished. I don't foresee any drastic changes being made. I love the story, but there are just some horrible errors that were overlooked when they were originally published. The website will be ready when the first book is re-released.

Fighting the Urge to Rage

I was outside with Diesel tonight and I saw a woman drive past, wiping her eyes. I thought, "I wonder what she's upset about. A family member's illness or death? Did she get some bad news of her own?" It caused me to take pause and think about my own life.

See, I've been thinking about hellos and goodbyes a lot recently. This led me to think about the nights I would be driving to and from work on the highway. Some nights, the traffic was light. Others not so much. As a writer, my mind drifts to the people I'm sharing the road with. The couple who are arguing while driving somewhere with their kids. The gorgeous man who races past me on his motorcycle. The single woman with insane colors in her hair, dancing and singing in her truck. (Okay, that one is me, but I'm sure people think I'm nuts.)What are these people's stories?

We've all raged at the drivers who fly past us as if they're the only ones on the road. However, have you ever thought about why they're in a hurry? Maybe they are on the way to the hospital because a loved one was in an accident. Maybe there's been a death. Maybe they're on their way to the airport to greet a loved one who has been away. Even the slow drivers have a story. I'm not saying these are excuses for reckless driving, but how would you feel if your spouse or child was returning after being at war? Would you drive calmly with no hint of excitement? Or would you unconsciously lower the gas pedal to the floor in your haste to get them in your arms again? I know my answer.

I find myself doing the same thing in the store. Doesn't mean I don't get frustrated, just means I wonder about people's stories. What is in the text message that made that woman smile so brightly? What did that woman whisper to her man that has him walking off with a smirk on his face? What is so wrong with their relationship that a man is calling his wife names? I'm an odd duck that way.

My grandma used to take a drive into town (when she still drove) and she would park on Main Street to watch the people. I used to think she was nosy, but that wasn't it at all. She simply wondered about their stories.

So, the next time you get cut off in traffic or you see a frazzled person who is barely keeping it together, think for a moment: I wonder what is happening in their life. I'm not saying there aren't assholes everywhere, but not everyone is covered under that umbrella. That woman who is crying at the stoplight may have just kissed her husband/boyfriend/partner goodbye and she's not sure when/if she'll see them again...or she may have heard a sad song on the radio that triggered her emotions. And if you see that she has crazy colors in her hair AND you're in Wisconsin...roll your window down and say "Hi!" I'm not crazy, I promise...my mama had me tested!

What Do You See?

The other day I found a video on Facebook. They took Polaroids of women and asked the women what they saw. There were 63 women used on this project. I watched the video with tears in my eyes. So much beauty and strength was there, yet they sometimes missed it.

I'm on a college campus most days. While I realize that I'm not 18, I compare myself to the girls on campus. I'm not as skinny as that one. I'm not as pretty as another. My skin is flawed and not as fresh as a younger woman's. I'm heavier than most. I dress for comfort instead of style.

But I'm working on my self-image. I'm trying to be more positive about my appearance. For example: I love my hair! I work hard to make sure the color in my hair looks good. And my eyes...I love the color and shape of my eyes. Even in glasses, my eyes are my best feature.

So...I decided that maybe it was time I took a selfie and posted it for the world to see. I'm going to tell you what I see when I look at these pictures. I'm going to try to remain positive, but no promises there.

Ready? Okay, here we go:

Oh gods, this is harder than I thought it would be! *tears*

I see my dad's bone structure in my cheeks. I see my mom's complexion and her eyes. I see my grandmother's mouth. I see pain. I see strength. I see doubt. I see a woman who needs to learn to believe in herself and her abilities. I love her hair! I see someone who knows how to love everyone except herself. I see the introvert, the bookworm, the one who wants to blend in, the one who hopes everyone overlooks her. I see someone who has lost so much and is scared to death. I see the little girl who is scared of screwing up and is petrified to take a chance. I see the woman who has known what it is to be hurt at the hands of someone she trusted...enough so that she is scared to let people touch her...someone who flinches without realizing she's doing it. I see someone who thinks she is more overweight than she really is. I see a daughter. I see a friend. I see a small-town girl. I see someone with a very big heart that has been broken more times than she cares to admit. I see a farmer's daughter with a rebel streak a half mile wide.

I've been told that I have a beautiful smile. I just don't smile in photos because I'm very self-conscious of my teeth. For years, I've been told to "hide your smile" or "smile with your mouth closed". By not smiling, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I'm just...me. Mr. Charismatic Smile walked into class one day after having missed a class and said, "There's that beautiful smile. I missed it." He just about brought me to my knees with that comment. That one comment made my day so much brighter and I still smile when I remember that first day. However, old habits die hard.

So, there you go: Gemma finally shows you who she is physically. You all know me on a different level, but now, you see what I see.

I just want us to be more aware of ourselves, our bodies, and our view of those things. We shape our own views. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are less than you are! Because you are the best version of you...no one can tell you different!

Some News to Share...

Hello! I hope your New Year is going well so far. I have a few pieces of news:

1) My contract with Leap of Faith Publishing is coming to an end. What does this mean? Well, it means that I am getting the rights back to my books. Keeper of the Golden Dragon's Heart and Natural Born Enemies will be pulled from the sites they are currently on. I am going to re-edit them and fix the mistakes that were previously overlooked as well as create new covers for them. I'm not sure when they'll be available again, but I will be working hard to make them available to you as soon as possible!

2) To go with the new self-published versions of these books, I am also creating a new website. I want to be able to use pictures I've taken of the areas that inspired the Cedar River series and this affords me the option to bring that piece of the world to you in a more stream-lined fashion. What does this mean for this particular blog? I'm not sure at this point. I adore Blogger and may just keep the blog here.

3) As for the Gemma K. Murray name...I did consider a change to my author name, however, I chose this name for a reason. I have so many things that would have to change to accommodate a different name and I just don't think it is a reasonable thing to do. So, whenever the books are re-released, you will find them under the same author name. 

If I am not willing to do the work to make my dream come true, how can I trust someone else to do so? I can't. This is why I'm doing everything I can to put books out that I am proud of. From the covers to the words inside, they will be my creations. This means that I am stepping into different territories to make the products I give you the best they can be. I'm learning to edit photos and create covers. I'm building a website. I'm working very hard and I want you to be happy with the changes that are being made.

I'll still be blogging here and keeping you apprised of the situation as well as how I'm progressing on things. I only ask that you be patient with me.