It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise. 

The "C" Word

Oh, Lord! Not that "c" word! No, this is about the word "confidence". You know that one thing I'm not? LOL 

I was having a conversation with someone the other day who couldn't believe that my self-esteem was actually as low as I claim it is. She told me that, because of the way I dressed and carried myself, she truly believed my confidence was very healthy. I laughed...HARD!

From the earliest I can remember, I've struggled with confidence. I have never thought of myself as beautiful or strong or, well, confident. For this person to tell me that she didn't believe I had an issue with my size, my shape, or my style stuns me. The funny thing is? She's not the first one to say it. The man with the charming smile told me that, too. "I watch you walk across campus with your head up, your shoulders back, and I see a woman with so much confidence." (I usually had my earbuds in and didn't pay much attention to anyone unless they were in my path.)

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a woman who has confidence. I see someone who is looking tired and showing more of her age everyday. I am not happy with my looks which is why I change them up. I add color to my hair to hide the grays. I add false eyelashes to make my eyes look bigger. I wear make-up to cover the blemishes. I dress younger than I am because I hate the clothes that are marketed toward women my age. I'm still a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers kind of girl. 

I feel like I've been faking 'til I make it. Maybe I've managed to fool myself into actually having confidence. Who knows? If others perceive the illusion of confidence in the way I speak, act, or dress, then maybe, just maybe, I have gained some over the years.

I had a blog that I had done for a college project a while ago about why I'm beautiful. I asked women of every age to tell me why they were beautiful. I had some amazing answers from some incredible women. It was empowering and enlightening. 

So, tell me...what makes you beautiful? Apparently, my answer needs to be...my confidence *G*

Enough

What is enough? That is the question that is on my mind today. I've been cleaning and pondering, Netflixing and pondering, baking and pondering. What I have discovered is that I don't know.

A few years ago, someone sent me this:

And I still wonder what is enough. 

This word has been a big part of my world lately. "When will you be happy enough?" "What amount of money in the bank will be enough?" "How much love is enough to sustain you during the darkest hours?"

In the last phone conversation I had with my dad almost 7 years ago, he asked me, "Girl, have you been you loved enough?" I remember laughing and saying, "What is enough?"His reply was, "I don't know." I asked him if he had been loved enough. He thought for a moment or two before saying, "I think so."

Then, today, one of my Facebook memories was this one: 

As someone who has always been not smart enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not young/old enough, not demure enough, etc., I struggle. Every. Single. Day. The years of degradation run through my mind daily like songs on repeat. Some days, I can quiet the voices, but most days, I can't. I mean, how can I be enough when I don't know what the measurement of enough is? 

I guess "enough" is the amount I need to be content in this life. The anxiety-ridden overachiever that I am is pretty secure in saying that there will never be enough.

How about you? What is your definition of "enough"? I'm a curious person who has a mind that is way too active on her off days. I really would love to hear what your thoughts are.

Whatever your definition, I want to leave you with this: 

The End of An Era

It has been almost a week that I've had to survive without my best friend by my side.
On March 25th at 3:19am, I held my best friend's paw and felt his heart take its last beat. With the final beat, an era came to an end.

Diesel was the end of a long line of love. It began with Kodiak and when Diesel drew his last breath, the line of love ended. 

For the first time in almost 20 years, my house doesn't have a dog residing within its walls. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

There is no more "thump, thump" of his tail as I walk through the door. My bed stays completely made each day because there is no dog pulling my pillows to the center of the bed so he can lie on them. There is no one to eat half of my meals each day. There are no toenails sounding on the wooden floors. There is no jingle of his chain as he gets up to move around. There is no body interrupting my sleep so he can get as close as possible to me. There is no ungodly snoring to warm my heart. There is no massive paws demanding a scratch when I'm in the middle of another task. And I miss him with every beat of my heart.

He came into my life when he was 4 months old. After my Rottie passed away, I had sworn there wouldn't be any more additions to our pack. Then, 9 months later, Diesel came along. He was a spoiled Mama's boy from the start. I would hold him, rock him, sing to him, and treat him better than some children. Everything I did was for him. I got a job so I could afford to give him the life he deserved. I went to school every day because I needed a better job. He was the reason I got out of my bed every single day. He was what kept the depression and anxiety at bay. His goofy antics and his big wrinkly face could brighten up every single day.

My dear boy was the love of my life! I was so blessed to be his mom for his lifetime.  Rest easy, big guy! I loved you more than you could ever know and you blessed me the day you chose me to be your mom. There was NEVER a day that I regretted anything I did for you. You were the best thing in my life and I cannot tell you that enough!

I used to sing this song to Diesel all the time. The morning he passed away, I was blessed enough to sing this to him one final time.

With all the love in my heart, I miss you, my darling boy! Fly high. Run free. Tell Daddy I miss him, too. I'll see when I reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Diesel: 2008-2019

It's Only a Bad Day...

Today I walked into chaos when I walked through the doors to my second job (formerly known as my primary job). I'm usually only there a couple of days a week. I have found that while I miss the people I work with, I don't miss the job itself.

Let me tell you what happened. First of all, before I could even punch in, the one sales associate who was supposed to be my support for 4 hours called in. Then, I punched in only to find one of our registers was down. On a Saturday. When the sun was finally shining. And no one had bothered to share this information with me. We also had a new computer upgrade that is wreaking havoc with the only working computer! I texted my manager who told me to see if the other two people working later in the day could come in early. Neither were available. Which is definitely NOT their fault...people have other lives :) I had one person left to call in and she strode through the doors like Wonder Woman. She got to be my superhero today. Our day was crazy busy and, fortunately, breathing is an automatic response. When my other friend walked through the door, I had hit my limit. I was close to tears from the stress of it all and I managed to keep my shit together. Barely. Wonder Woman spent her unexpected shift dealing with the nonsense like the amazing person she is. And she handled my mood like a pro. The ray of sunshine who walked in at 2pm reminded me that I am loved and let me vent about the bullshit of the day.

I went home, took a long hot shower, ate a HUGE dinner (and am stuffed to the gills), and sat down to relax with a warm blanket. It was as I took a deep breath that I realized that I hadn't internalized the bad day I had had. I was able to process the events and put them away. It was only a bad day, not a bad life. This day will pass and will end on an up note. At the end of this day, all that will matter is that the people I call "friends" still want to be my friend. They understand the crabbiness isn't pointed in their direction, it is just the job that I despise.

This is only a bad day. The bullshit of the day will pass and when tomorrow dawns, the bullshit won't matter, but the friends will.

Caring for Myself

Let's face it, 2018 was a bitch! If it could go wrong, it did. And I think December was the culmination of a perfect storm. It all came to a head and it wasn't pretty. Health issues arose. Family stuff blew out of proportion. My dog got sick and scared the crap out of me. My job was taking over my life. I was ready to throw in the towel. 

Before the beginning of 2019, I was giving some in-depth thoughts to my life, my goals, and my dreams. I began to focus on the important things and noticed that I was not one of them. I wasn't practicing self-care in any way, shape, or form. So, I knew it was time to make a few changes.

I began to look at my life as if it were a bulletin board. One of those corky things, overstuffed with papers. For the last few years, I've just been thumbtacking things to the board and ignoring them. Book ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, ambitions...they all were piled on top of each other. 

When I decided it was time to make a change, I began to clean off the "bulletin board". Like saved yellowed receipts and newspaper clippings, photographs, souvenirs from trips, recipes, phone numbers, etc., each piece was removed one by one and examined. I began to throw away things that were no longer of use. I put the photos in a box. The recipes got tucked into my recipe book. I cleaned up my social media. I deleted apps that I no longer use. I got rid of contacts that I  no longer have contact with. I organized all of my book notes.

Once the bulletin board was cleaned off, I took a look at the blank space. I made the decision to only put the things of great importance on that board. I put a pin in the friendships that I knew would understand I needed some time to get my life together. 

I realized that I had been neglecting myself for so long. It was time to get my goals put back on track. I found a way to accomplish some things that I have had on my to-do list for a long time. I had ignored them and pushed them aside for others. 

I have started to take time for myself, too. Long hot showers with relaxing soaps, mani/pedi days, coloring my hair when it is needed, napping, relaxing, and turning off social media. I also began to appreciate the blessings that I had been given. My job isn't the center of my universe these days. When I'm home, I'm fully committed to being in the moment. Whether I am writing, cleaning, or simply hanging out, I'm present for everyone and everything. I am beginning to love my life again. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is almost nil. I'm in such an amazing place.

Some days it means I simply sit down and enjoy the quiet while drinking a cup of coffee, but damn! It feels good to put myself first for a change. After all...

You Gotta Have Faith...

Let's have a conversation about faith. It is a subject that has been on my mind a lot in the last few years. I was raised in faith and taught that faith would get me through the troubles Life would throw at me. My problem over the last few years has been that I wasn't sure what faith was. What did it look like? I've had a lot of people who have told me, "Have faith." But if I'm not sure what it looks like, how can I have it? So, I thought I'd share some things that I have discovered.

Faith isn't always about HUGE miracles. It isn't about, "Oh my god! I have a hundred people coming over for dinner. I have 2 chicken breasts and a bag of rice to feed them. God will provide." Some days faith is simply getting out of bed. For me, faith can look like me getting up and getting ready for work because I know I'll still be part of this earthly plane when the bills come due. My faith can also look like me coming home from work, taking a shower, getting into my pajamas, and crawling beneath the warm covers with a prayer on my lips, believing that there is a higher power who is listening to the things on my heart.

Lately, it has looked like me applying for a second job. I don't believe that some higher power is going to set bags of money on my doorstep and make big deposits in my bank account. However, by applying for this job, I had faith that I would get it. After months of praying and working hard, there was an open door in front of me. The job is only for a couple of months, but I would gain experience that is needed to upgrade myself to a job outside of retail in the future. It will also provide me with the means to have a bit extra to put aside for a rainy day and to pay on student loans.

I'm not a believer in big miracles. They seldom happen to people like me. However, I do believe in subtle miracles. Like praying, with tears streaming down my face, that my dog would get better. Or praying that my heart be open to accepting the love I deserve. Or believing that I would find the strength to walk away from toxic relationships that drain me. 

Faith looks so different to everybody. I've stumbled in my faith. I've pushed it aside. I've lost the majority of it. I've given up on it for the most part. Did I get the job I wanted? Hell no, but I got the job that would pay my bills each month plus give me a bit extra. It also led to this 2nd job opportunity which will definitely give me a cushion. Did I get the relationship I thought I wanted? Nope, I got something so much better! Has my faith healed my depression and anxiety? No, but it has given me the necessary tools to deal with it. Some days it simply means doing the dishes, taking a shower, and making sure the dog eats which means I eat. 

I'm not sure what your faith looks like to you. Just know that I'm not judging you. You do you and I'll do me. Together we'll make our corners of the world a little brighter, a little better, and a little kinder. However, you first have to start the kindness by being kind to yourself. 

Be humble and kind! Tell me what your faith looks like to you. I love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Have a blessed week!