An Exercise in Forgiveness

Last night, I watched a movie that hit me at the very deepest, darkest depths of my soul. It triggered emotions that I thought I'd buried deep enough that they'd never surface again. I sobbed and cried like I haven't sobbed and cried in a very long time.

I went to bed, tears still in my eyes. This morning when I woke up, it hit me hard. For the majority of my life, I've been expecting people to love me the way I needed to be loved. I didn't accept that they may be loving me the only ways they knew how.

I have always felt at a deficit because of this. Then, the man with the charismatic smile showed up and saw me. He really saw me and all that went with me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a disappointment.  I didn't feel inadequate. I didn't feel like an embarrassment. I didn't feel like I was too much. I felt, for the first time in my entire life, like I was enough. 

I prayed for him for years. I prayed for that feeling for years. And when it arrived, I couldn't believe it was happening or that it would stay. I didn't recognize the contentedness. 

So, today, I'm releasing forgiveness into the universe. For being angry at people who loved me in the only ways they knew, for blaming others for my feelings, for the apologies that have/will never come, and for myself, for allowing these things to keep me from seeing love when it arrived. 

I write this to encourage you to forgive those who have done wrong by you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is not an excuse for keeping toxic people in your life. It is an agent to help with the healing of your heart and moving forward in a positive manner.

Love and light to you all!

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I have pondering a lot of things lately. Like why things have happened the way they have, why I took a left at Albuquerque instead of that right, why I work this horrific retail job, why I met the man with the charismatic smile, just the fun stuff in life, ya know?

I didn't encourage my ex-husband to take the job in Groton, Connecticut because I needed to make sure we couldn't fix what was broken. If we had moved there, well, things would definitely have been different. *G* And the man who lived in Groton had to live his life first.

I went back to school and moved to WI with my former friend because I had to learn to stand on my own two feet without help from anyone. I had to learn to believe in myself.
By going to the college that I chose, I met the man with the charismatic smile, who changed my life more than he will ever understand. He saw beauty where I could only see the ugliness, brilliance where I only saw stupidity, and hope where I only saw despair. And love beyond all compare.

My dearest and bestest friend told me that the reason I work the horrific retail job was to meet her, and I don't think she's wrong. Because I met her and my life changed for the better. We have this bond that is unreal some days. We feed off each other's emotions (good and bad) and share a wicked sense of humor. She's one of those people I would have forever missed had I never met her.

The horrific retail job also led me to the office job that I adore. One night, a customer walked in and changed my life. She took me from receptionist to office manager, giving me opportunities that I would never have anticipated. She allows me to shine and pushes me to be better.

Things have been happening lately that have me wondering if things will ever work out. I have been questioning if God/the universe/the fates will ever untangle this mess. I wonder why the things happening are happening and none of it makes sense to me. However, if this blog shows anything, it seems that the Powers that Be really do know what they're doing. I may have found the man with the charismatic smile in Groton, but we had to wait until we were both in Wisconsin first. Because I had to be here to find a horrific job that led me to my dearest friend and the job I adore. 

The people who arrive in your life are meant to be there. Whether it is a lesson, a reason, or a season, they are there to help you on this journey. After all, (and I heard this quote for the first time the other day) "We're all just walking each other home." (Quote by Ram Dass)

Strength

I have a few friends who are going through some tough stuff at the moment. Because I am their friend, my shoulder is always available for them to lean on. I'm not going to discuss their issues here because it isn't my business to discuss, but I will say that in most of the cases...been there, done that.

The funny thing is that these friends don't know each other, yet their responses are the same, "I wish I had your strength." And I laugh. However, I thought maybe you all needed to hear this, too, so a blogpost was born.

I wasn't born strong. Strong-willed, yes, but strong, no. This is strength that was born of fire. I had to walk through it to be this strong. This is born of years of struggling. I didn't come from much. I was never given much. Everything was earned by sweat, blood, and tears. I watched my parents struggle. Fighting to survive. Life was never easy and I would certainly not be the person I was if it had been. I've spent years walking through the fire of Life. Determining that I wanted to survive. Battling the elements and the demons that fought to keep me down. I spent 20 years battling my own dragons with no knight in battered armor to defend me. I learned to wield a sword and battle them myself.

Someone has told me that my backbone of steel could only be forged by the fire of battle. I chuckle because I've always thought I was simply made this way. I've never thought I was forged in the fire. However, I have always pictured myself as a phoenix, rising from the ashes. Beautiful, flame-colored plumage that glistens in the sun and catches droplets of water in the rain.

Life is seldom fair and we spend more time in the storms of Life than walking on sunshine. Strength comes from the storms more than the sun. It's there, deep within you. Show the world that you aren't their bitch! Live life on your terms!

And when the storms of Life rage around you, take off your shoes and dance in the rain!

Retrograde of Mercury

I don't know if you are a believer in Mercury Retrograde and the chaos that ensues and it really doesn't matter. I hold a half-hearted belief in it. I believe the universe and all it holds can conspire against us, but I also believe that beliefs can fuck up your world more than any other cosmic entity.
This all being said, let me say, I read that my past would come back to haunt me. A past that too often needs to stay buried.

In a matter of days, I had gotten a friend request from someone I never dreamed I'd hear from again. Not sure if this connection is a good thing or a bad thing. I was, then, messaged by my ex-husband who, as always, is up to no good and is hell-bent on attempting to ruin any relationships he can. He is not and will not be successful. After all, misery loves company and I refuse to wallow in the misery he stirs up. Shortly thereafter, an old friend showed up in my DM's. He wondered if he could stop in and say "hi." It was nice to see him...a friendly face from a time when I was a different person. Not sure he found the woman he was expecting, but it was nice to see him. Before the week was out, this friend's wife popped up in my DM's and our sisterhood was reignited. 

Our friendship has always been there, but life...it gets in the way. We've both been led to believe things we should have honestly checked out with the other. Now, our friendship has caught fire and I cannot begin to express the happiness she's brought back to my days. Conversations that lead to giggling like we are teenagers again. 

And I've been considering making a trip back to my hometown. I'm not sure why (okay, I want my damn cottage cheese and nut rolls!), but I'm feeling the need to return to my roots for a visit. I have no plans at the moment and I'm not sure if it will be a few days or a few hours. I'm just mulling things over in my mind. I do know that at some point I am going to get my toes back in the sand and water of Lake Michigan. 

Maybe I need to say a final goodbye to a chapter of my life that is truly closed. I know I've had to close (and lock) the door on a few people from my past. Other doors needed to be reopened and my past allowed to come back in to be part of my present and my future. 

I know I've been making a lot of changes in my life and becoming more of the woman I used to be. The one who could be a little reckless and free. The wild woman who danced barefoot in the wildflowers. The one who opened her heart with reckless abandon and loved with her whole heart. There are a few people in my life who are owed that. Including myself. I need to remember the girl I used to be because I really did like who she was. She was fun and usually up for anything. It's time to find her buried in the rubble of a failed marriage, the rabble of collapsed self-confidence, and let her back out to shine. 

Life isn't always easy and sure as hell is never fair, but I like to think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from the people to whom I've said "Farewell." And I can say with all sincerity I will never paint my future with the stiffened bristles of the brush used to paint my past...at least, I promise to try not to. 

It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise. 

The "C" Word

Oh, Lord! Not that "c" word! No, this is about the word "confidence". You know that one thing I'm not? LOL 

I was having a conversation with someone the other day who couldn't believe that my self-esteem was actually as low as I claim it is. She told me that, because of the way I dressed and carried myself, she truly believed my confidence was very healthy. I laughed...HARD!

From the earliest I can remember, I've struggled with confidence. I have never thought of myself as beautiful or strong or, well, confident. For this person to tell me that she didn't believe I had an issue with my size, my shape, or my style stuns me. The funny thing is? She's not the first one to say it. The man with the charming smile told me that, too. "I watch you walk across campus with your head up, your shoulders back, and I see a woman with so much confidence." (I usually had my earbuds in and didn't pay much attention to anyone unless they were in my path.)

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a woman who has confidence. I see someone who is looking tired and showing more of her age everyday. I am not happy with my looks which is why I change them up. I add color to my hair to hide the grays. I add false eyelashes to make my eyes look bigger. I wear make-up to cover the blemishes. I dress younger than I am because I hate the clothes that are marketed toward women my age. I'm still a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers kind of girl. 

I feel like I've been faking 'til I make it. Maybe I've managed to fool myself into actually having confidence. Who knows? If others perceive the illusion of confidence in the way I speak, act, or dress, then maybe, just maybe, I have gained some over the years.

I had a blog that I had done for a college project a while ago about why I'm beautiful. I asked women of every age to tell me why they were beautiful. I had some amazing answers from some incredible women. It was empowering and enlightening. 

So, tell me...what makes you beautiful? Apparently, my answer needs to be...my confidence *G*

Enough

What is enough? That is the question that is on my mind today. I've been cleaning and pondering, Netflixing and pondering, baking and pondering. What I have discovered is that I don't know.

A few years ago, someone sent me this:

And I still wonder what is enough. 

This word has been a big part of my world lately. "When will you be happy enough?" "What amount of money in the bank will be enough?" "How much love is enough to sustain you during the darkest hours?"

In the last phone conversation I had with my dad almost 7 years ago, he asked me, "Girl, have you been you loved enough?" I remember laughing and saying, "What is enough?"His reply was, "I don't know." I asked him if he had been loved enough. He thought for a moment or two before saying, "I think so."

Then, today, one of my Facebook memories was this one: 

As someone who has always been not smart enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not young/old enough, not demure enough, etc., I struggle. Every. Single. Day. The years of degradation run through my mind daily like songs on repeat. Some days, I can quiet the voices, but most days, I can't. I mean, how can I be enough when I don't know what the measurement of enough is? 

I guess "enough" is the amount I need to be content in this life. The anxiety-ridden overachiever that I am is pretty secure in saying that there will never be enough.

How about you? What is your definition of "enough"? I'm a curious person who has a mind that is way too active on her off days. I really would love to hear what your thoughts are.

Whatever your definition, I want to leave you with this: